ARTICLE: Mums, listen up: I'm a working dad and I've got parenting sussed

Klingon Hamlet

Found here:

Women always complain about men and parenting. But Hugo Rifkind reckons that he and his baby vomit-streaked mates are doing their fair share

'I hope you realise," I said to my wife, as we discussed this article, "that it's not a complaint about you." "Of course I do," she said. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Good," I said. "Because it isn't.

It's a complaint about all women."

And then we both had to go to work. But I sensed she had more to say.

Look, let's not get off on the wrong foot. I am not anti-women. I am pro-women, and fiercely. Good old women. I have endless respect, particularly, for women who combine a career with parenthood, skillfully juggling both. Not for a moment would I suggest that it is always easy. I know it is not. Because I do it too. I just don't moan about it.

Take this morning. I was up at 5.30am, with a hangover. First somebody needed a dummy, then somebody needed a pee, then somebody had done a poo. Then somebody was sick on the living room carpet. And none of these people, I should point out, were me.

Some mornings, this sort of thing is my problem; sometimes, it's the wife's. No complaints about the wife. I have a good wife. I hope this is coming across. But I am becoming increasingly aware that society is not treating us equally.

Or, to put it another way, when she gets up many hours before going to work to deal with our children's poos and pees and frankly unreasonable moonlit demands for Cheerios, she is a brave and selfless warrior for feminism. Whereas when I do, I'm just somebody who, if he didn't, would be an a***hole.

Which is fine. Look, it's not like I want a badge. I'm just saying. Over in the United States right now, there's a debate raging about men and their changing role in the home.

First, Anne-Marie Slaughter (a lawyer and political scientist who used to work for the State Department) wrote an article in The Atlantic entitled 'Why Women Still Can't Have It All', in which she pointed out that it's very difficult for women to balance their careers and home lives.

Second, Ken Gordon (a journalist) wrote an article in The New York Times pointing out that dads do a bit around the house, too, and also find it somewhat tricky. And third, just the other day, Slaughter wrote another article in which she basically said, "Gosh! Yes! I suppose that's true! How very fascinating!"

Christ. What's wrong with these people? Aren't they getting enough sleep? Well, I mean, no, probably not, because none of us are. But, seriously, can we not just . . . not? Obviously, if you have a job, then raising children at the same time makes you quite tired.

This is not a profundity, nor a surprising state of affairs. For decades, society has been insidiously encouraging women to think it is both. Now, we have a generation of men – of whom I am one – who are co-parenting, or as near as. And you know what? It isn't that big a deal. It just isn't. Not unless you want it to be.

Yes, I'm usually exhausted. But this whole culture of self-flagellating women, wondering if they can have careers and be parents at the same time? I don't get it. I've never got it. When Allison Pearson declared, years ago, 'I Don't Know How She Does It', I was irritated by the gender-specific pronoun, even though I didn't even yet have kids. "She probably", I thought to myself, "does it by compromising a bit. Like I probably will." I mean, it's not rocket science, is it? And nobody ever bothers to ask how men do it. Even men don't ask how men do it. Men just do it.

Are there differences? Sure, maybe. I'm prepared to concede that. Very possibly women do feel a distinct and terrible yearning pain about time spent away from their kids that men, as a result of being men, can't possibly hope to comprehend. It offends me slightly, that notion (don't I also miss my kids when I'm not with them? Who am I supposed to be, here, Homer Simpson?), but never having been a woman I'm not really qualified to shoot it down. But honestly, the fuss.

There's that bit in Pearson's book that everybody talks about, where the mum hacks up a shop-bought cake, to pretend she cooked it for a school fête. Women are supposed to howl with recognition at that. Men? Men think you're all nuts. Haven't we all been up since 5.30am? And we're supposed to have the energy to care who baked a f***ing cake? There are variations, sure, but most of the men I know who have kids co-parent pretty equally. Or, at least, they think they do.

In my household, I'm not sure I necessarily pull my weight in matters organisational, such as doctors' appointments and the steady supply of clean socks. In terms of actual face-to-face parenting time, though, I'm up there at a safe 45pc of the whole.

And even that is an estimate based on a whole host of prejudices, anyway, because for some reason society draws this fierce distinction between time spent doing things like sticking glittery stars on bits of paper (proper parenting) and time spent doing things like climbing up and down from the attic to look for half a car seat (weird stuff that dads do).

And I do, by the way, mean society. My wife knows I pull my weight. (High five, wife.) Most of my male friends' other halves are much the same. In the home, I don't think we vomit-streaked dads are at all under-appreciated.

But it's a new dynamic, this, and it hasn't yet quite crossed into the public sphere. In fact, dads are wholly miscast in the public sphere, and it has taken this American debate for me to realise why. It's because of women. It's because of how they talk about parenting, and the expectation that this is how we ought to talk about parenting, too.

It doesn't fit. Not at all. Yes, like anybody, I'm concerned about my work-life balance. But that's a practical concern. It's not about my identity. Am I a father or a professional first? Who gives a damn? I feel no urge to identify as one or the other. The notion of whether or not I can "have it all" makes almost no sense to me at all.

Have what all? Why is it supposed to be all about me? The very idea is completely at odds with the spirit of cheerfully bewildered self-sacrifice with which every father I know approaches parenthood.

It's early days, yet. My kids are small, and maybe all this gets more complicated once they're older. And yes, I know it's easier for men anyway, because our careers don't take that maternity-leave nosedive. But still. I'm tired enough already.

Increasingly, I resent the way that our whole culture of speaking about parenthood – shaped by women, long before the likes of me got interested – seems to want to throw deep existential problems at me, when the only problems I think I have are banal and practical ones.

I don't want to be like you. Frankly, I think you might benefit from being more like me. We dads, we've got this sussed. And actually, I've changed my mind. Yes. I do want a badge.

I have a good wife. I hope this comes across. But I'm becoming aware that society is not treating us equally.

- Hugo Rifkind

I think it's a funny and positive outlook on parenting---and a commentary on how most parents treat each other equally, but society in general is finding it difficult (what I would call "pop society").

With the recession pushing dads back home and mums working more and more outside the home---along with many working parents of both sexes---maybe it's time we appreciate everyone equally, finally.

quietsailor

I'm thankfully single and child free still but I'm bookmarking this thread with great interest OP.

Your either going to get;
a) post after post of abuse from the self-righteous feminazi's, with a few neutral ones from the men brave enough to put their heads above the parapet and another few from the women with partners like the one in the article
or
b) be ignored,

it'll probably be option b) sadly as from watching my male friends with children if they are willing to help out in the home all they get is a condescending "aren't they wonderful" accompanied usually by a roll of the eyes, where-as, in one specific case where the mom has taken redundancy at work (3 children at creche alone almost out weighs her take home pay) it's "how wonderful she is to give up her career for her children". It's not equal unfortunately, especially from the view of an outsider looking in through the looking glass to your world.

Edit = seeing as it's been over 5 hours since the opening post and then my post it's looking like option b).

pwurple

Sheesh. 5 whole hours with no response, OMG!

Anyway.... Both of us work in our house, and he has done more of the childcare than me the last few months when my work hours have gone loopy.
I hope he doesn't feel under-appreciated. I don't think he does at home, but maybe out in the media-obsessed world. And the godawful pandering mammy-does-it-all ads on television actually upset me. You know the ones...

There is one for a camera where this woman has her head cut out of the picture in every single photo of her for what is implyed to be the rest of her life. I was 2 weeks after giving birth when I first saw that, hormones gone bonkers, and I think I actually cried.

The one where the women smothered with colds meet at the school gates to discuss their busy days and mention their husbands are at home in bed with a cold.

The ones for christmas supermarkets where this shattered women are flying around putting up trees, cooking, loading the dishwasher, sitting on a cushion on the floor.

So condescending, the lot of them.

Orion

quietsailor wrote: »

Edit = seeing as it's been over 5 hours since the opening post and then my post it's looking like option b).

We were all busy looking after our kids

Hannibal Smith

Id love to know what part of society the guy is talking to. my dad didn't do half as much of the hands on stuff with us as my mum did. she stayed at home with us all day and would scoff at hands on dads because her attitude would be....big deal...you did why I've done for years.

Me on the other hand...everything in our house is shared...nappies....late night wakings ...we both appreciate the the other has a pretty full on day so we help each other out. no one gets bouquets or congratulations...we both wanted kids and both knew we'd have to pull our weight.

movingsucks

Both my parents worked fulltime and my mum still had to do everything around the house and for us. Sometimes my dad had a second job or had to go away on business but not always.
Different era I suppose!
As for me well I'm on maternity leave still so I do most of the "parenting" but if/when I go back I assume we'll share out the duties.

Sleepy

The ads are talking to our parents generation, not ours. Society just hasn't caught up to Generation X's views yet, never mind the Millennials, it'll happen around the time most of us become grandparents I think...

In our house, my fiancée's a stay-at-home mammy so she clearly does the majority of the parenting as she's there while I'm at work. Once I'm home though, it'd be 50/50 or possibly closer to 60/40 in my favour as I'd be trying to make up for the fact I've not been there and, frankly, she's often knackered from running around after them until then.

It does seem to be very much a man thing to "just get on with it" without the need for the endless positive feedback. I've certainly never seen any of the attention-seeking "woe is me, being a mother is so hard" posts from the men on my Facebook news-feed but there are certainly a few women I can think of who post such "please tell me how wonderful I am for raising the children I decided to have" in it. Though, to be fair, they tend to be the same vapid morons who post about X-factor, rows with their partners and use words like "hun" and "pet" excessively...

I much prefer the posts from the other parents I'm connected with on it that show their parenting fails (destroyed couches from backs being turned for two minutes too long etc.)

eviltwin

Sounds a very new parent thing to talk about. I have seen a few of those Facebook posts Sleepy describes but mainly from people with very small kids. I think as they get older and its less of a novelty you don't feel the need to talk about it as much.

lounakin

There is definitely a shift, men ARE pulling their weight more when it comes to raising children and most do so while working.
I have a 6.5 months old and I don't know how I could have done without my partner. I'm still at home but even then I'd say he does an equal amount of work in most aspects. I breastfeed the baby exclusively so he doesn't have to wake up in the night but he minds the baby most early mornings so I get some sleep. If there's a night-time problem that can't be solved with the boob he always gets up to do it, he's been cooking food everyday and when the baby's tucked in and one of us has a chance to get out he always lets me go. That said, no matter how you put it for the first few months (more or less 9 months let's say) the mother is usually physically 'broken' and way more deeply exhausted than her counterpart. This physical state is what enables me to think that I still do 'more', not that I'm counting or even keen on pointing it out. Depending on how the pregnancy or delivery went (don't forget the last few months of pregnancy are extremely tiring already), a woman could have sever backpain and joint pain which makes caring for the baby excruciating. There's the stomach pains, the stitches, the feeding which in my case (baby was tongue-tied) was the most painful thing I experienced, and the general state of shock... and don't forget post-partum depression... and the fact that our bodies are so different from before and I have yet to meet a woman who's not a little upset about that!

mfceiling

Oh....

I do my bit and if when i have a fight with herself i get the "you do nothing around here"

Empty the bins, do the bath (every night), make the lunches (every night), tidy up, dishwasher emptied, car cleaned out, washing and sorting laundry etc etc.

I don't want credit (you sign up for this when you marry and have kids) but it's a kick in the nuts when you're looked upon by other mothers who think you are have the life of riley because you go to the odd rugby match now and again!!

IvyTheTerrible

mfceiling wrote: »

Oh....

I do my bit and if when i have a fight with herself i get the "you do nothing around here"

Empty the bins, do the bath (every night), make the lunches (every night), tidy up, dishwasher emptied, car cleaned out, washing and sorting laundry etc etc.

I don't want credit (you sign up for this when you marry and have kids) but it's a kick in the nuts when you're looked upon by other mothers who think you are have the life of riley because you go to the odd rugby match now and again!!

That's kinda lousy of your missus I have to say. If I have a row with the OH, I certainly wouldn't throw the "You do nothing around here" at him, it'd get blown out of the water straight away!

I'm looking for a job so I'm at home full time looking after my 9 month old. My OH works outside the home full time, so obviously I do the majority of the childcare stuff and housework and that. But really he does so much in the mornings, evenings and on weekends (without me actually asking him), I can't complain at all.

eviltwin

mfceiling wrote: »

Oh....

I do my bit and if when i have a fight with herself i get the "you do nothing around here"

Empty the bins, do the bath (every night), make the lunches (every night), tidy up, dishwasher emptied, car cleaned out, washing and sorting laundry etc etc.

I don't want credit (you sign up for this when you marry and have kids) but it's a kick in the nuts when you're looked upon by other mothers who think you are have the life of riley because you go to the odd rugby match now and again!!

If she is getting her "me time" then she has nothing to complain about but there do seem to be a lot of women who don't go out after baby, not that their partners would mind or anything but they just don't think of it or feel right about it.

nicowa

Hi, I haven't read the above, cos I've a hubby wanting tea (for two) and for me to join him watching telly. We've had a hard day. 4 kids in the house (3 permanent - of which 2 are my step kids - 1 temp). The temp is making as much trouble as possible. What do we do? Well whatever we do, we do it together. We share the getting up at night, the nappy chages, the feeding. Everything. Even the giving out. And I'm the stay at home mom. I count the time he's at work as my work day, and the rest as shared time. He does too.

I got a shock when one of his friends made a joke about him (my hubby) avoiding all the work. He quickly took it back when he saw my face. I'm not a fan of people making those kind of remarks about men (things that might once have been true of our fathers but are now used as jokes with our men as the butt of them).


This might not all be very readable cos I am quite tired. Now I'm going to go make tea, for two (we share that too).