why do I keep thinking I am evil?

clarbar

hello sorry about the very depressive tittle of this thread. Its been 4 months since my ex-fiance died, he committed suicide and prior to that he had been cheating on me constantly with girls I had fallen out with ,random girls and local prostitutes and always had a habit of ending up in mental hospitals. Now the thing is I feel guilty still to this day for living without him even though it was a very toxic relationship he was always my best friend. I even feel worse then ever lately as I have fallen in love with a close friend who had always been there for me when I was with my boyfriend and then after his death, I just feel like a traitor evil for moving on so fast after his death but I never meant for any of this to happen.

after my ex's death I went on a binge session and became addicted to alcohol and cigarettes, I also feel into a spiral of always going to nightclubs just to pick up someone just to feel a substitute for him and I always looked for bad guys who I knew would treat me like dirt since I felt that all I deserved.

This guy that I am with now knows all of this, he says it was a way of grieving, my family and friends have said the same I am now a month off drink and plan on staying off it. I still see my ex's face everywhere I go but I just can't help but feel evil for falling in love again and for living my life I just don't know I just want people options on this thanks

RossFixxxed

That guilt is a natural reaction and it happens many people. You are not being selfish or evil. It only shows the effect this person had on your life, and that they meant something to you, toxic relationship or not. It's not really about logic, it's one of those 'matters of the heart' that you can't control.

You are the one still living, and life has to go on. You are doing NOTHING wrong with regards to falling in love, meeting someone else. I've been there, I've felt that way. But if you passed away, and someone you were with was left there, wouldnt' you want them to be happy and move on with their life.

These feelings will fade over time, you are still very raw from a HORRIBLE situation. Be kind to yourself, you are not doing anything wrong at all and how you are feeling is all part of the bereavement proccess.

Best of luck staying off the booze, that's definitely going to help a lot. Keep looking after yourself, stay healthy and active. I wish you the best OP and it can help to post on a thread like this to get things out in the open and off your mind.

Merkin

I think you really would benefit from counselling. Have you looked into this as an option?

movingsucks

Sweetie, it's only been four months,give yourself a break. It's gonna take you a while to get over this, it's different for everyone. I think sometimes when someone has a particularly sad death (obviously all deaths are sad) such as suicide or overdose it can be harder to find closure, there's a kind of guilt left behind, a feeling that we could've "saved" the person, but that's just my thoughts, a bereavement counsellor might be able to help you.