Dealing with a difficult housemate

DEmeant0r

Hello,

I'm having serious difficulty with a housemate of mine who, bear in mind, is 28 and I'm 25.

1) He often whines about another housemate to me, without really doing anything about it.
2) He's the most judgmental person I've ever encountered.
3) He's the only non-smoker in the house and we've had to move our smoking outside, but sometimes we'd smoke inside too however we've made an effort to not disturb him with the smoke, but still continuously preaches his anti-smoking sentiments to us to make us quit (as if we didn't know already that smoking is bad).
4) He sent me an article today explaining yet another bad effect of smoking to which I've basically told him to f*ck off. I was watching the Vincent Browne debate tonight and he came into the living with his iPhone and started playing his music loudly (which he had been using his earphones previously and I feel this was a deliberate attempt to annoy me). I ignored him the entire debate and then went back to my room when the debate was finished.
5) Did I mention the whineyness?

Now I'm by no means an angel but he's wrecking my head and it's getting to the stage where he's also wrecking the head of another housemate.

What should I do?

P. Breathnach

Call a house meeting to discuss how you all deal with one another.

You say that you are no angel, so be prepared to deal with demands that you also modify your behaviour. It should not be a matter of ganging-up on the housemate that you find annoying.

On smoking: that should be governed by the landlord's rules.

danslevent

I think that ye should always smoke outside if there is a non smoker. It's not just them being whiney, why should they have to inhale your smoke. And I smoke myself

LegacyUser

Did you all move into the house together or is it a case of people moving in at different times replacing those moving out? What does the lease say regarding smoking? Is the Landlord ok with people smoking inside the house? I ask cus it's not common for Landlords to allow smoking indoors as the smoke just seeps into everything and it's pretty much impossible to ever get the smell of stale smoke out and that makes it harder to rent out a place when the smokers have moved out.

If you all moved into the house together and it was made really clear when you all moved in that people would be smoking in the house then tell the housemate they can either put up or move out. If the housemate moved in after you and it was made really clear to them when moving in that it was a smoking house then again tell them they can move out if they aren't happy. If however it wasn't clear regarding the smoking or the house was non-smoking before you moved in then you need to have a sit down with everyone in the house to discuss the issue. You need to check your lease to make sure smoking is allowed as it can effect your deposit.

Personally I don't think it's cool smoking indoors in a shared accommodation, it really is impossible to get the smell out but if everyone was aware of the smoking before moving in and the Landlord was ok with it then it's your own business if you do or not.

Regarding that he whines alot well just tell him your not listening and walk away. You just need to get on with housemates you don't need to be best of mates.

username123

What are the house rules on smoking?

Its pretty disgusting to inflict your smoke on a non smoker. Smoking inside should be a complete no no in this day and age anyway. It causes everything to stink of smoke, clothes, soft furnishing, surfaces. Its also affecting the non smokers health (fair enough if you want to disregard your own health). I would imagine that he continues to lecture and send you articles about smoking because you continue to ignore basic manners and continue to smoke indoors. I am a former smoker but I did not smoke indoors for years because I lived with a non smoker, its just not fair.

On the whining - bizarrely you are coming across as whiny!! So maybe look at your own behaviour before challenging him on his.

You are also coming off as judgemental, so see my point above.

Really, get the smoking sorted, and all try to behave like adults with each other, if someone is whining to you tell them you are not interested and walk away, if someone is being judgemental tell them you are not interested and walk away or that you feel uncomfortable about them discussing another housemate with you and please stop.

@rti-shm@rti

I'm a smoker and have to say I think it's fairly minging to smoke indoors. Everything stinks of cigarrettes, clothes drying in the house, jackets hanging in the hallway, couches, carpets the whole lot. It really is the first thing that hits you when you walk into a place. Why should he endure you puffing away while he's sitting in front of the TV? It's probably just as annoying as you enduring him playing music while you are trying to watch a programme. Non-smokers shouldn't be inflicted with the choices of smokers. It's not fair.

This could be the root of all your issues to be honest - from listening to friends of mine pissed over people smoking the odd one on a weekend etc it definitely does create animosity. It could be the reason why he's coming across badly because in reality he's well pissed off with you all.

Talk to him about it - maybe try smoking outside all the time and see if it improves the situation.

IrishEyes19

well firstly, you should all smoke outside, just because he has to live in the same rooms, and shouldnt have to deal with it.

secondly, I think you should all man up and resolve what ever is going on, rather than ignoring each other and winding each other up. Must be pretty unpleasant to live in. talk it out.

woodchuck

He's pissed off about you smoking indoors. He should just say it to your face of course, but I bet that's the underlying issue.

DEmeant0r wrote: »

3) He's the only non-smoker in the house and we've had to move our smoking outside, but sometimes we'd smoke inside too however we've made an effort to not disturb him with the smoke, but still continuously preaches his anti-smoking sentiments to us to make us quit (as if we didn't know already that smoking is bad).

How have you made an effort not to disturb him when you're smoking inside? You might not realise it, but even if you're not smoking in the same room as him the stench still gets everywhere. Stop smoking inside altogether and I bet he'll stop with the anti-smoking stuff (but if he doesn't you'll well within your right to tell him to F-off :P)

curlzy

Mad isn't it? How once something is made into law it's suddenly "common sense". You'd swear everyone always held that view, mad how up until very recently the opposite was the accepted norm.

Ex-smoker here, I allow smokers to smoke in my house, once you open a window it's grand and the smell goes in no time. So yeah it certainly sounds like your housemate is a wreck the head. Obnoxious doesn't begin to cover someone lecturing you on the evils of smoking, change the bloody record FFS. Also playing music while you've obviously watching something when he previously used to use headphones, that would make me think he's purposefully trying to annoy you.

What would I do? Avoid, avoid, avoid and when the lease is up just move somewhere else with the housemate you do like and don't accept any other non-smoker/ex-smokers as housemates. Just keep out of his way and if he starts any whiney or judgemental crap, just say "oh crap forgot to . . . " as you walk away to your room.

looksee

once you open a window its grand

No its not. Maybe you don't have a great sense of smell, opening a window does not get rid of the smell, as the others have said, the smell of cigarette smoke penetrates everything.

As for everything else:

He often whines about another housemate to me, without really doing anything about it.

'pot - kettle'

And I agree with the others about the solution.

LegacyUser

So what if smoking use to be accepted and considered the norm, it's certainly not anymore.

curlzy wrote: »

Ex-smoker here, I allow smokers to smoke in my house, once you open a window it's grand and the smell goes in no time.

The key word there is your house. Your free to allow people to do what ever you like in your house and if your happy for it to stink of smoke thats your choice. Opening a window certainly doesn't get rid of the smoke smell. It sticks to everything and is impossible to get rid of. Most smokers can't smell it but trust me it's there and it's awful to have to walk into a space smelling like that. Very few landlords allow smoking because of that, it has nothing to do with common sense, it's business for them. Smoke sticks to things and people aren't going to want to rent a house that stinks of stale smoke.

The OP is in rented accommodation and needs to check their lease to see if smoking is actually allowed before they do anything else.

amtc

I was out in my cousin's place Sat and she smokes, the stink in my own house from my clothes is unreal. My blonde hair is yellow. Yuck!

Roisy7

On the smoking thing. I social smoked for a year and lived with smokers and developed asthma. A friend developed bronchitis after living with smokers for a year.

Now do you see why it's fair to smoke outside?

Defiler Of The Coffin

curlzy wrote: »

Ex-smoker here, I allow smokers to smoke in my house, once you open a window it's grand and the smell goes in no time

The smell might go away but harmful chemicals can hang around in the air for days on end. It's not unreasonable to ask someone not to smoke inside.

The OP needs to tell the housemate straight out that it's none of his business if he smokes. No way around it, time to get assertive. I don't think he should smoke inside though, not just for the housemate's sake.

Brussels Sprout

Don't think this thread turned out how the OP intended. Anyway just to jump on the anti-smoking indoors bandwagon, I have two sets of friends who live together in two houses where everyone smokes. When I'm in the houses at the time I'm not too bothered by the smoke but I'm always shocked when I smell my clothing the next day. I'm looking for a place to move into at the moment but there's not way I'd live in either of those places for the sake of my health.

Actually now that I recall there was one guy living in one of those places who was a non smoker so they decided to make it a non smoking house for his sake. But then if it was raining, or if it was cold or if there was a party on people would just smoke everywhere and in the end it was just the norm again and the guy eventually moved out.

LegacyUser

OP I can completely see why you are annoyed. I don't understand the uproar about smoking indoors. As long as the landlord is cool with it, these people can smoke indoors if they want. It is their home whilst they are renting it, so if the landlord is fine with it, then of course they should be able to smoke in peace if they want.
And yes I know it's the other guy's home too, but there are countless non smoking houseshares online, so why would a non smoker knowingly move into a house where he/she knew smoking was allowed? If they were that feckin concerned about it, surely it is something they would ask a landlord about before ever agreeing to rent the property. You don't move into a house where smoking is allowed and then bitch and whinge about the fact that people smoke in it! Reminds me of the people who complain about smokers smoking in designated outdoor smoking areas because they want to eat their food outside in the area which also happens to be the designated smoking area.
Because of the above I think you should suggest to him, that if it bothers him that much, that maybe he should look into getting a non smoking houseshare, because ye are certainly not going to stop just to please him. I would just ask him outright to turn down his music if you were trying to watch something BEFORE he came in. Would be different if he was sitting there listening to music first.
This is all assuming of course that the landlord does allow smoking indoors. If he/she doesn't, then you should stop at once and apologise profusely to the guy.

cafecolour

Don't have much sympathy on the smoking outside thing. I smoked for 8 years, and always outside. It helps if you have a balcony though. Unless you're sitting in your room with your head out the window, it really does seep into the rest of the house.

That's only one of your complaints though. Whining about the other roommate is really annoying. I'd just say something like 'So and so is my friend, I don't really want to hear negative things about him.' or 'Why are you telling me this? Tell him.'

Sending you anti-smoking articles is obnoxious. Does he whine about about everything, or just the smoking?

If you can't tolerate him, you really have two options - either move (maybe get a two bedroom with your mate so ye can smoke there), or just minimize interaction with the guy (a smile and "that's nice" whenever he says something, etc.)

Stavro Mueller

There's no happy ending to this because both sides are in the wrong. Smoking is one of those things that impinges on other people and they've no choice in the matter. All the things the others have said on this thread about the passive smoking, the smell, the way it seeps into the soft furnishings etc. are absolutely true. Some people are ok with having people smoke around them. Others are not and they're just as entitled to that opinion as those who are cool about it.

I'm surprised your housemate has stuck it out this long if he has such a problem with you smoking. I reckon either he is this obnoxious normally or he has reached the end of his tether. I get the impression that you and your housemates don't fully understand how unpleasant it is to share a house with a smoker. Perhaps he is not the best at getting his point across to ye. Or you're just crap at taking on board his concerns.

The only way to solve this is to have a house meeting to clear the air (if you pardon the pun). Either you and your housemates agree to smoke outside, and he stops the anti-smoking shtick. Or someone agrees to move out.