Friend let rip at my ex boyfriend

LegacyUser

I was going out with a guy for a few months but things kinda began to get distant between us and so long story short we finished it. We have cut contact since to hopefully allow us to move on because we were going out a few years ago and so were friends as well.

We were out at the weekend and my ex was out (I haven't seen him since we broke up) and the pub is very big and so we didn't cross paths all night. Towards the end I was talking to some friends and I saw him at the bar, one of my friends (who I told I didn't want drama if he was out because she's quite confrontational) went up to him and ripped him to shreds about how he treated me, called him every name under the sun and actually reduced him to tears. I was in so much shock I couldn't move to stop it and he eventually ran out the door.

I don't know how I feel because she had NO right to do that, its my problem and I think that it could have done more damage to the whole thing. Making a scene in the middle of a pub on a situation she knows very little about "on behalf" of me but it didn't help anything, she just vented her very angry feelings with no purpose.

Next time I see him will probs be around Christmas if we're out, should I apologise for her behaviour if we do speak or what should I do about the whole thing? I know what's done is done but jeez I was very p'eed off with her

Neyite

I'd make her apologise to him to be honest- if she was my friend we would be seriously on the rocks until she apologised to both of us. You have nothing to apologise for, but she does. She did the exact opposite of what you requested, so she is way out of order.

P. Breathnach

Calfu wrote: »

... should I apologise for her behaviour ...

Not exactly. Most of us have enough to do in apologising for the things we do wrong.

But I think it would be good to tell him that you did nothing to instigate her actions, that you were upset by them, and that you are very sorry that it happened to him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your suggestions.

Its a delicate thing because we haven't been in contact but I really can't stop worrying that she could have said something in that conversation that may have really have cut him (and he'd think it was me who said it) cos she was really slating him. I've sent him a message just making it clear I was oblivious to the whole thing and wanted to let him know that it was not provoked by me, she had no right to do it.

I'm so upset with her, I just hope this doesn't bring down all the progress I've made this far just because I had to contact him as a result of her actions

Big Bag of Chips

Well be sure to let her know that you are upset over it. She had no right. She has upset you, and him. However awkward it is, you have to let her know she crossed a line.

curlzy

WOW! She is so out of line it's not even funny! How dare her?!?!? Were you talking an awful lot of sh*t about him to make her so angry she felt she had any right to do that? TBH he should have told her to f*ck off and you too when you contacted him. The cheek of her is beyond me. TBH if I was him I'd assume you and her are complete nutjobs and wouldn't want anything more to do with either of you. If I were you I'd have a very very very serious conversation with her. She sounds like she was getting off on drama and didn't give a fiddle how it affected you. I'd seriously rethink a friendship with someone who reduces someone to tears in public about something she knows nothing about.

LegacyUser

I haven't spoken to her since the weekend but I think I will bring it up later this evening and just tell her I'm not happy and she had no right to do it. She is very opinionated and so I can almost predict how she will defend the whole thing but she's the one who stepped out of line after I told her not to.

I know the situation between me and my ex was neither here nor there when we finished through no contact but I'm afraid that this will throw it all up in the air and things could turn horrible. At least he knows now that it wasn't my doing, he's seen the message but no reply as of yet. I'm not overly worried though because all the message was intended for was to make it clear that she's the nutjob and not me! I hope his friends don't push me away though as well ... I don't think she realises the potential damage she could have caused

CaraMay

I would lift her out of it. How dare she! !

chickenbutt

How can she defend her actions? All you have to tell her is that it was your relationship with the guy, not hers, and what she did was out of line.

Taltos

Calfu wrote: »

I don't think she realises the potential damage she could have caused

Could have?
OP - she did cause. He broke down in tears in the bar and had to leave.

Right now I would be less worried about upsetting her and more concerned at why you are allowing someone who proposes to be a friend make a holy show of you.

It is one thing to do this in the playground but this type of carrying on and to be blunt bullying / harassment / abuse is not acceptable. Please do have a number of words with her - but the least she should do if she has any remorse is a public apology - though if I were he I would never want to see her again, nor you I am afraid.

LegacyUser

You're right Taltos and the killing thing is I don't know how he feels towards me now because we were not in contact prior to this and he did not reply to the message I sent... I'm unsure is it because he does not know what to say/he doesn't want to speak to me because of it (which to be honest I'd hate that especially after explaining to him that it was not my action).

If it were me who flipped out of course I'd understand if he never wanted to see or talk to me again but all things considered we did not have a messy break up - break ups are never nice but there was no screaming or bad blood between us. I was progressing so well since we finished because I found it very hard and now I'm back at the "thinking" stage all over again!

tinkerbell

OP, to say she got a grown man to cry like that means she really upset him - she must have said some REALLY bad stuff to him to make him cry. You need to call her out on it, what she did was totally unacceptable and is disgraceful behaviour - she should be ashamed of herself. You need to confront her about it and after that, I'd certainly be reviewing the friendship as friends don't do things like that.

CaraMay

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, to say she got a grown man to cry like that means she really upset him - she must have said some REALLY bad stuff to him to make him cry. You need to call her out on it, what she did was totally unacceptable and is disgraceful behaviour - she should be ashamed of herself. You need to confront her about it and after that, I'd certainly be reviewing the friendship as friends don't do things like that.

Very true and by the way she isnt a friend. A friend would not compromise you like that.

LegacyUser

Calfu wrote: »

I was going out with a guy for a few months but things kinda began to get distant between us and so long story short we finished it. We have cut contact since to hopefully allow us to move on because we were going out a few years ago and so were friends as well.

We were out at the weekend and my ex was out (I haven't seen him since we broke up) and the pub is very big and so we didn't cross paths all night. Towards the end I was talking to some friends and I saw him at the bar, one of my friends (who I told I didn't want drama if he was out because she's quite confrontational) went up to him and ripped him to shreds about how he treated me, called him every name under the sun and actually reduced him to tears. I was in so much shock I couldn't move to stop it and he eventually ran out the door.

I don't know how I feel because she had NO right to do that, its my problem and I think that it could have done more damage to the whole thing. Making a scene in the middle of a pub on a situation she knows very little about "on behalf" of me but it didn't help anything, she just vented her very angry feelings with no purpose.

Next time I see him will probs be around Christmas if we're out, should I apologise for her behaviour if we do speak or what should I do about the whole thing? I know what's done is done but jeez I was very p'eed off with her

With so called friends liek that you dont need enemies for sure.

You need to speak with your friends and tell her to keep out of your personal life.

It had nothing to do with her, she needs to mind her own business, she is lucky she was not arrested for a breach of the peace.

Surprised your ex took the abuse of her.

Move on as he is your ex after all, why live in the past.

Whats doen is done.

Maybe your friends needs anger management classes :-)

kravmaga

Your friend is not a friend, friends dont do that especially when it is your personal life that she is messing up, be it ex or no ex.

To make a scene like that in a public house also, jesus has she no shame.

She is lucky she was not arrested for a breach of the peace, sounds like a right scum bag.

Give your so called friend a break and ask her does she need anger management course to help with her temper outbursts. Sound like a loose canon to me.

Move on with your life, ex is ex, i.e. the past.

Best of luck.

IrishEyes19

Just wanted to throw my own two cents in before you never speak to your friend again. Was she drinking when this happened. And is/was she a close friend. If yes. Sit her down, explain very clearly that her behaviour was shocking and totally out of line. Dont end the friendship over this if you had a good relationship with her.

Clearly she has a habit of being too aggressive and confrontational, a lot of people who are like this dont realise just how off putting and terrible their behaviour is when it gets past a certain stage. you need to tell her this. But no one here knows your friend and although what she did was awful. People make terrible mistakes, this being one. But to condemn her as being a bad friend and no friend is unfair. In her mind I bet she was defending her friend who she felt was treatly badly. It was wrong, of course it was. But at least talk to her first. And explain this behaviour has got to stop. Before it gets her into trouble and could potentially lead to a dangerous situation, where someone will fight back.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19:

That's been exactly my thinking all along too, she is a very close friend and yes she was drinking and also her intentions were indeed to defend me. It is no excuse because it was not her position to do what she did and potentially ruin relations with my ex which otherwise may have been ok (well as ok as relations with an ex with whom you were friends with before go) but I have called her up on it and explained how I felt and yes it was very out of line but I will not be ending my friendship with her over it.

I appreciate your input because it has shed a different light on the matter, one that I originally saw myself but thought I was being kinda too nice about it towards her.

I have explained to her how I feel and explained to him that the incident was not instigated by me ... there is not much more I can do towards either of them. I've said my piece and if he chooses to never speak to me again over this well he can't say it was because he suspected it was partly my doing as I made that clear in my message.

IrishEyes19

No, I wouldnt worry about what he thinks to be honest. It happened on a night out number 1. So he knows alcohol was involved. Second your friend did it and you contacted him and explained. He can either accept it or not. Dont fret over it.

Good Im glad you spoke to her. Now its up to her to mend her behaviour and get the message that you will not tolerate this anymore. I hope it works out for you and your friend. Some people need a little wake up call to break nasty habits. Best of luck

hatrickpatrick

OP that sounds like a bit of a toxic friendship to me. I know girls who have 'friends' which think they know better than them and speak "for" them like this and they almost always end up eventually making the wrong mess. Like, today it's your ex, tomorrow it'll be a guy you actually like but she doesn't think you should be with... Seem this many times and it gets ugly. If I were you I'd tell her to either butt out of your relationships or else get out of your life.

That probably sounds extremely harsh, but... Like I say, I've seen what such busybodies can do to people

WumBuster

Your friend sounds like a piece of work, tbh. What an awful thing to do. The fact that your ex got so upset about it shows that he must be hurting quite a bit about the break up, I mean otherwise why would he break down in tears cos someone shouted at him in a pub. Anyway, there isnt much you can do about it now. But your friend needs to cop on big time, let her know that kind of aggressive behaviour is not acceptable anywhere, anytime.

Roisy7

To be honest maybe it was drink maybe it wasn't. As the OP says the friend is quite a dominant personality, while she seems like an easy-going type.

I'm glad to hear that you have explained how you feel to her. She should not be allowed away with this type of thing. She doesn't expect you to make a fuss because most of the time it's easier not to?! No way to conduct a friendship and she has no right to interfere like this.

For future reference she needs to know not to behave like this. Maybe she should look at addressing her drinking if this is a frequent issue.

lisasimpson

drop that friend. i wouldnt be surprised if she doesnt talk to old friends anymore coz they got pissed off with her, i use to have a friend like that, constantly opening her mouth in the wrong place and landing others in trouble she could never see through it, when i eventually said it to her she didnt like it when she realised that why i never told her or introduced her to any guy i dated,