Always the friend/fling never the girlfriend....

LegacyUser

I know this has been done before but I swear I'm at the end of my tether. I'm starting to be convinced that I really am going to end up alone.

I'm nearly 30, nice enough looking so I'm told, outgoing, friendly, good job, plenty friends. All seems fine. Unfortunately I seem to have some sort of problem attracting people that are interested in me. I get the impression that I'm fine for the 'end of the night drunken score' or to be the one people have flings with, just not as a girlfriend. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong really. The only people that seem to ever be attracted to me are the perpetual single lads or fellas in relationships - obviously I give off the wrong sort of impression altogether. Sometimes I gravitate toward my boy friends that are in relationships on a night out. I do admit that, it's easier because I don't feel like there's any pressure to 'perform' because they're off limits. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to translate. I would like to say though I do NOT go off with taken people, just seem to attract them. I think I've literally freaked myself out so much at this stage that I've no confidence talking to a guy where there's any possibility something will happen, I'm so awkward, I can't relax. One friend has told me I can be very closed off and I know I probably go the opposite way when I like someone in that I'll actively avoid interacting for fear that people might notice that I like that other person and I'll fall flat on my face. Since I heard that I'm making a conscious effort to stop giving off that impression and try to put myself in situations I would have shied away from in the past e.g. taking the initiative and striking up conversation or not being so ridiculously subtle.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I've been on 3 dates in my entire life. I just seem to be hopeless at keeping a guys attention long enough. Most of my friends moved on from the drunken scoring thing when we left college or even before and learned how to do the relationship thing, I never seemed to manage it. I'm still stuck back there. I don't think I even know what type of a guy is my type because I've never been with someone long enough. I have literally no experience of the relationship game and while it used to niggle away at me before, now all of a sudden I'm really bothered by it and sort of scared actually.

I can't see internet dating working for me to be honest. I need to know someone before I feel attracted to them so I can't imagine meeting strangers and feeling a connection. Any one in the same boat? I really don't want to be on my own much longer, it'd be different if I was having a ball being single but I'm really not. I feel worn out by it all and I'm sick of constantly having to fill my weekends with going out and nightclubs. I really would love to be able to chill out at home with a DVD with someone for once. Any advice?

paulap

maybe internet dating might help create situations to help you relax when you meet someone you really like, if you dont view every date/meet as a potential relationship it may well be fun. confidence is something we all have issues with we just show it differently, your only young dont be putting pressure on yourself to have found the one. enjoy your time for you another person is never going to fulfill your life they can only enjoy your life with you:)
the best of luck and remember think positive!!!

Reesy

Hi OP, sorry for your troubles.

Do you have any men friends whose opinion you could ask? I reckon if a single female friend asked me this question I'd have a stab at an answer. Of course, some people may be too polite, and opinions will differ (and some will be way off, of course).

Would you like to tell us more about what happpens when you meet men & it's not the end of a night? Do things start well & go downhill after a date, or just not get going? Maybe give us a real example? (I guess it'd be painful, sorry).

cantdecide

Have you tried socialising outside of the pub and club scene?

Stealthirl

Im kinda the same,expect i know its the fact im overweight the turns girls off.
of my 8 close friends im the only one single and im the oldist at 32

All i can say is keep a positive attitude and be confident. Don't wait for guys to make the move, if you like them why not make a move [if there single] worst they can say is no.
As said above clubs aren't the best place if you ask me,quite pubs can work.

Nearly every happy couple i know were ether friends first or they were introduced via friends

ash23

OP I was/am very like you. I was always myself with guys who were in relationships because there was no pressure but it was happening a bit where I was being hit on by guys with girlfriends. I was also able to be myself with lads where I knew there was no hope. Basically, if you showed me a dead end, I was in like Flynn.


People who were emigrating, people who were going through messy separations, commitment phobes.......those made up the majority of my dating life for a number of years. Eventually you come to realise that the problem is with yourself. You are the common denominator.

I had been badly hurt after the end of a previous relationship. So if there was any potential for a serious relationship, I was petrified of it amounting to anything. So I'd back off, be cool and bitchy and basically quash any chance there was of anything happening.

In time though, I began to want something more and I had to start changing. I was tired of the no-hopers and I just stopped bothering. As soon as I heard the words "my girlfriend/I'm going to Oz/I'm not looking for anything serious/my ex" I was gone. Moving onto chatting with someone else rather than wasting my time.

I was on my own for about a year and in that time I met a friend of a friend a number of times. Nothing happened between us, just a bit of banter. Being honest, I didn't think he was my type, so there was no pressure there for me to be the person I thought a man wanted if you know what I mean? I was just myself.
When he asked me out I was sceptical as we are so different but thought "feck it, nothing to lose". We're together 8 months now and it's going great. We are chalk and cheese and a couple of years ago I would've been too busy wasting time on the dead-ends to even see his potential.

Anyway, my advice is, stop wasting your time chatting to men when you know there is no hope. Yes, it's easier. There is no chance of rejection or hurt. But you're missing all the guys who are available and also looking for relationships. I wouldn't say give up pubs (but clubs are a waste of time imo). But give it til midnight and then avoid "scoring" after that time because that's about the time of night when the drink takes hold. If you don't want to be the drunken snog at the end of the night, then don't be. It's really that simple. You don't need to kiss a guy to get his interest. Flirt, swap numbers and wait for him to follow up. If he doesn't, wipe him from memory and move onto the next one. Keep going until you meet the one who will call and who will arrange a date.

Those are the genuine ones.