A Teetotaller’s Guide To Hedonism

hubba

A Teetotaller’s Guide To Hedonism by Will Storr
Will, journalist, spent his school years getting into hedonism-related trouble with almost everyone, and left with no qualifications in 1993. He saw his first therapist in 1994. He became teetotal in 2003. His first book, Will Storr Versus The Supernatural, was published in 2006.

The first time I got drunk I was alone. 12 years old, sat upstairs with a stolen cup of cider – just one sip made me want to spin with my arms out and giggle. What I remember most about that moment is how much it frightened me. One mouthful and I was transformed. Electrified. Up in the air. The gabble of anxious voices in my head suddenly coalesced into a single one – a brand new version of me that was confident, joyful and fierce. As the happy danger spread warmly up my body, I knew. This was too nice to be anything good, too powerful to be holy. I poured the rest of the fizzing potion into the bathroom sink and watched it disappear down the plughole like a hissing serpent. That night, I had a revelation from the most primitive depths of my brain. It gave me a terrible feeling, like that split-second when you realise you’re about to fall out of the tree but haven’t yet started the tumble. I knew that hedonism was going to possess me. It would piss its brilliant evil all over me and I’d have to drag myself, shivering, out of its reach. It was inevitable that one day I’d become teetotal. The truth is, some people simply aren’t built for excess.

And so, inevitably, we give it all up. But, for all the pre-teetotallers out there, I have good news. That doesn’t have to be the end of pleasure. The teetotal way has many quiet delights, all of which are deliberately kept hidden from those people still caught up in that noxious parade of spunk and shouting they call a social life. If you’re planning on joining me and cleansing mind and blood for good, I have made a list of things you need to do.

1/ Abandon the nightclub forever – it’s nothing but a sticky box full of noise and c*nts.

2/ Truly, there’s no fun like cheese and biscuits fun.

3/ After 10.30pm drinkers start repeating themselves. During these hours, pretend to listen whilst working on things in your head – sitcom ideas, bad poetry, murder fantasies, whatever…

4/ If you’re sober, idiots at parties will fear you. Use this to your advantage.

5/ The ‘social lubrication’ effect of stimulants is still enjoyable if you’re sober. Simply wait until everyone’s trashed and then, like an old person, start asking rude questions.

6/ Bring a book to a restaurant and dine alone.

7/ An electric blanket, a menopause-size bar of Fruit n’ Nut and a Prime Suspect DVD, used together, produces a blissful, back-to-the womb buzz similar to heroin.

8/ The unspeakable truth: alcohol tastes disgusting, and history’s most celebrated brewers, distillers and wine-makers are merely the men who’ve best mastered the trick of disguising it. Drink tea. You’ll be the last to bed.

9/ At chucking-out time, walk through the staggering clouds of booze-wounded idiots listening to mournful classical music on your iPod. It’ll make you feel like Jesus (I recommend Festina Lente by Arvo Part or the Schindler’s List soundtrack).

10/ Never be afraid to bugger off. “This is ****. I’m going home,” are usually the wisest words spoken at any party. And they’re most often muttered by that prematurely aged, miserably enlightened person, hiding from everyone in the corner.

Content copyright of Will Storr / Hg2.com

anhedonia

Thanks for that!

Lol @ no. 7, "a menopause-size bar of Fruit n’ Nut"
That is some funny writing.

Have you read his book? is it any good ?

hubba

Haven't read it - YET, but I must get my hands on it. He seems fairly sharp.

My favourite is #9. I must try it some time. I would image it's fairly horrific.

anhedonia

hubba wrote: »

Haven't read it - YET, but I must get my hands on it. He seems fairly sharp.

My favourite is #9. I must try it some time. I would image it's fairly horrific.

Ha, not too sure about the Schindler’s List soundtrack. I once watched Shindlers List on a Sunday following 48 hours of drinking and raving. Caution, Genocide and hangovers do not mix !!

libnation

What other books is there to read apart from Alan Carr's and this?

These books make you feel less alone after a week of questioning about your decision to not drink

hubba

'Wasted' by Brian O'Connell. It's not funny mind you, but makes you feel like you are definitely doing the right thing!

gilmour

Ha i do 9 all the time! Well not exactly classical, but the last time i stuck the ipod in my ears while walking to the chipper after a night out i listened to the raging bull theme and it fit the picture i was seeing beautifully.