Need advice to get on with life

sunlolz

Hi All,

I follow threads on here and have been close to posting a few times, but never have. This problem is pretty minute compared to a lot of what is posted on here, so please bare with me.

Basically, I have really low self-esteem and little confidence. I went out with a guy for 2 years on and off when I was 18 - 20/21. He cheated on me every few months, and it was a continuous cycle of him winning me back and then he would cheat again and so forth. At the time, I was overweight, doing really badly in college and felt like he was the best I could get - he also made me feel like I would never do better than him. I just got to the point where my head was wrecked and everything else in my life was suffering, so I put an end to it. This didnt stop me pinning for him, and it took all my college years to get over him (sad I know, first love and all that). Also, because I was so insecure in the relationship, I could never let myself go to sleep with him, so I never did, and now I am a 25 year old virgin.

Over the years, I have tried my hardest to build my confidence back up. On the outside, I look pretty together. I did some travelling following college and am currently overseas, and the unfamiliarity has helped me come out of my shell a lot. I have a great family, great friends, and a good job. The only problem I seem to still have, is forming relationships with the opposite sex.

I know after the break up, I was in a very dark place. I dropped out of college for a year, closed myself off and kept it all to myself. I come from a closed book family, so I was never one to open up about how I was feeling. I would tell everyone I was 'grand' when they knew I wasnt. I think this has played on my mind subconsciously over the years. I still feel like I will never be pretty enough, funny enough, experienced enough..or just enough for any one person to be in a monogomous relationship with. I feel insecure 99% of the time. I am constantly paranoid about what people think or how I am perceived.

I know I need to change my way of thinking in order to help make a positive change to this aspect of my life. I feel challenged by the fact that I am a virgin at this age. I am no prude, but I feel the experimentation and fun times of my mid 20s are flashing by...and I feel like I am missing out. I had gotten close to a guy a couple of months ago. We went on 5 dates, and following this on a night out, we came very close to sleeping together, but I just couldnt do it, not because I didnt want to I really did, but I just have this mental block that there is no point, because I wont be good enough. I think I left the guy baffled by the admission I was a virgin (the first person I have ever told since my ex, not even my mates know), he was really good about it, saying 'he really liked me'...but after another 2 weeks of dating and a trip by me overseas for 2 weeks after that, it just fizzled out and I havent really heard from him since. May be he was just after one thing, who knows, but to be fair, I didnt put in much effort. I knew when it got to the point of sleeping together, it would just fizzle out, like previous encounters have.

I just hate having this mental block, I hate being paranoid and self conscious and continuously needing reassurance. I never let myself go with any guys I am dating, the last guy mentioned, was the only person I have opened up to a wee bit - so its not as if I send alarm bells ringing by being clingy or whatever. I am very independant, I just feel like this state of mind is holding me back in some parts of my life and I really want to move on from it and dont know how. I can be pretty shy too, so sometimes this may come across as being arrogant, I am not sure. Even when a guy chats me up, in the back of my mind all I am thinking is what is the point. Same as, if any of my friends bring up sex, I get into a tizzy and try change the subject for fear they will find out I am a virgin. I am stuck in this rut....being in a new country is all about new beginnings, so I want to start a fresh.

Has anyone any advice, or been through something similar?

joydivision

Woah relax . Women dont usually do much in bed to be bad or good . Its not like tv . Most men will cum if you pull their penis back and foreward for a while . Then they will go asleep happy . Just relax and enjoy it . Thats what turns a man on . If they think they are good at thrusting .
You dont have to do cartwheels or anything .

We may now get a que of women describing how they do this or that. They dont usually . They just say they do on the internet and in sex and the city .

Dont put pressure on yourself .

LegacyUser

OP this will probably be controversial advice but it worked for me so i'll throw it out there for what it's worth:

I was an overweight teenager and combined with bad acne meant that I felt like the ugliest girl on the planet for a long time and so missed out on the sexual experiences that most people go through in their teens. As I got older thankfully that changed I lost weight, skin cleared up but I reached the age of 22 still being a virgin. Now by that time I had built up a huge mental block that no one would ever want me due to my inexperience, and that I just wouldn't have a clue what to do in bed and would be awful, not to mention that i still felt like that ugly girl on the inside. It just built up and built up until sex was this big huge deal.

Now I know most people will advise that "you haven't met the right guy" or that you should "wait till you find someone you're comfortable with" but for me the answer was to have a one night stand. The only way I felt I could get over it was to just bite the bullet and do it with someone I didn't know and who I'd never see again. Best thing I ever did.For me it was like anything else in this life, the fear comes more from the unknown than the task itself. Once I knew what it felt like, what it entailed, the mechanics, what to expect I just felt so much more in control. It gave me so much more confidence with men because I knew that awkward first time was over, and completely changed my ability to form relationships.

Woah relax . Women dont usually do much in bed to be bad or good . Its not like tv . Most men will cum if you pull their penis back and foreward for a while . Then they will go asleep happy . Just relax and enjoy it . Thats what turns a man on . If they think they are good at thrusting .
You dont have to do cartwheels or anything .

We may now get a que of women describing how they do this or that. They dont usually . They just say they do on the internet and in sex and the city .

Dont put pressure on yourself .

I disagree with this actually tbh. In my opinion it's a complete stereotype that men cum at the drop of the hat. It takes a while for 2 people to figure out what gets the other off, that's part of the fun of getting close and intimate with another person. What works for one guy (or woman) doesn't always work for another. And a woman who doesn't bother making any effort and thinks all she has to do is pull a guys penis back and forth is probably bad in bed in my opinion. It's those partners who are enthusiastic, and (again goes for both guys & girls) who make an effort to explore and find out what their partner likes in bed which are the best lovers (regardless of their actual technique). Lying there like a bag of spuds and expecting the man to do all the work is hardly a turn on tbh, in the same way as some guy thinking all he has to do is go at you like the duracell bunny isn't exactly a turn on for women.

That's not to say that you're going to be bad in bed OP just because you have no experience. Some of the most experienced guys i've been with have been the worst as they have that "it worked on previous gf's so it will work on all women mentality" and they don't make any effort to explore with their new partner. As long as you're open and communicate and relaxed and make an effort in bed and aren't afraid to laugh at yourself then you'll be fine. First time sex with any new partner is a little awkward and very rarely any good, it takes time to get to know the other persons preferences and what turns them on. It's the learning that's the fun bit!

All the best OP

joydivision

Way to heap on the pressure mmmbop .

LegacyUser

joydivision wrote: »

Way to heap on the pressure mmmbop .

how am I heaping on pressure exactly? I've been in the same situation and am telling the op how I overcame it, my own experience. As for the sex bit, she's not a teenager why lie and say all any women has to do is lie there and moan and it automatically equals great sex. it doesn't. we don't all automatically fit together, everything in the right place like the movies. it's awkward sometimes and guys /girls don't cum, things slip out etc. I'd rather be aware of that than have sex for the first time and not make the guy cum/not cum myself or be really awkward and end up putting it down to me being crap in bed and feel even worse about myself when the reality is that's part and parcel of sleeping with someone new and is totally normal the first few times!

RossFixxxed

I don't think mmmmmbop (bop a dooo ahhhh) is trying to pile pressure on. It's more about a mindset. Don't just lie there like a sack of spuds, but don't expect to put on some blistering, unrealistic, movie-like performance either.

First times with people are often fumbly, awkward and have the 'you're on my hair' type issues! Going in knowing that, and having an ability to smile and brush it off is half the battle IMHO.

There's a lot of fun to be had talking about, and exploring what you are both into. I doubt many guys would mind being asked what they like and being able to have a frank and filthy chat about it! Getting to DO some of the things... well who could possibly complain about that!?