Should I be worried

Lucy Lambourne

I'm quite jealous of my bf's ex. It seemed that they had a very sepcial relationship and when it ended about 3 years ago, he was devestated. We've been together 1 and a half years and apart from my insecurity about her, are very happy together, he's been hinting that a proposal is on the cards next year.

About 3 weeks ago, I fell and knocked over a shelf in his room. Out of it fell a bunch of photos (3,4) and a letter that had been in a book. They were of her and him. I told him this and said I'd put them back where I found them. He brushed it off and said "meh, didn't even know they were there". Then about 2 weeks ago he told me he had completely taken his room apart and threw out everything he didn't want/need anymore. He said he had found stuff from their relationship and gotten rid of all those things too.

So yesterday, there is a box that has been on his floor since he did his cleaning. When he was downstairs, I looked into it (its a huge open box, I didn't have to open anything) and there was a piece of paper lying on top. I took it out, started to open it up and realised it was the letter from her, so folded it back without reading it.

He came into the room and I handed it to him. He said "whats this?", I said " the letter from her". He said "oh where was that?", I said "in the box". He scrunched up, said "didn't even know that was there" and he threw it in the bin. I told him not to throw it out on my account, he said he wasn't. I asked him did he keep that particular one on purpose (cos it meant somethng to him etc) and he said he didn't, that he just didn't know it was there and he didn't know how it got into the box.

I just find this hard to believe, if he went through everything and threw out all "their" stuff, why was this placed in a new box? When I asked him about it agian he got quite annoyed saying that if I trust him I should believe him and that he wouldn't lie to me, that he really just doesn't know how it ended up in the new box.

I already fear that he never really got over her and I'm afraid he's lying to me about this so as to protect my feelings and that he kept the letter on purpose, but he keeps maintaining he didn't.

I will admit that I was previously engaged to someone who was an habitual liar and cheated. However, I don't want to be automatically assumed to be paranoid as it might obscure the fact that maybe I'm right.

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated x

Pippy1976

Gee, let it go. He's done nothing wrong. Alot of people like to hang onto mementos of past relationships ... it doesn't mean we want to run off with our exes!

Leave him be and forget about it.

Lucy Lambourne wrote: »

I'm quite jealous of my bf's ex. It seemed that they had a very sepcial relationship and when it ended about 3 years ago, he was devestated. We've been together 1 and a half years and apart from my insecurity about her, are very happy together, he's been hinting that a proposal is on the cards next year.

About 3 weeks ago, I fell and knocked over a shelf in his room. Out of it fell a bunch of photos (3,4) and a letter that had been in a book. They were of her and him. I told him this and said I'd put them back where I found them. He brushed it off and said "meh, didn't even know they were there". Then about 2 weeks ago he told me he had completely taken his room apart and threw out everything he didn't want/need anymore. He said he had found stuff from their relationship and gotten rid of all those things too.

So yesterday, there is a box that has been on his floor since he did his cleaning. When he was downstairs, I looked into it (its a huge open box, I didn't have to open anything) and there was a piece of paper lying on top. I took it out, started to open it up and realised it was the letter from her, so folded it back without reading it.

He came into the room and I handed it to him. He said "whats this?", I said " the letter from her". He said "oh where was that?", I said "in the box". He scrunched up, said "didn't even know that was there" and he threw it in the bin. I told him not to throw it out on my account, he said he wasn't. I asked him did he keep that particular one on purpose (cos it meant somethng to him etc) and he said he didn't, that he just didn't know it was there and he didn't know how it got into the box.

I just find this hard to believe, if he went through everything and threw out all "their" stuff, why was this placed in a new box? When I asked him about it agian he got quite annoyed saying that if I trust him I should believe him and that he wouldn't lie to me, that he really just doesn't know how it ended up in the new box.

I already fear that he never really got over her and I'm afraid he's lying to me about this so as to protect my feelings and that he kept the letter on purpose, but he keeps maintaining he didn't.

I will admit that I was previously engaged to someone who was an habitual liar and cheated. However, I don't want to be automatically assumed to be paranoid as it might obscure the fact that maybe I'm right.

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated x

LegacyUser

Honestly OP I think over thinking this and over reacting. If he wanted to keep the letter and didn't want you to know he would have. I've just spent all day packing up a room to move and I keep finding stuff in the wrong boxes and misplaced. It happens when you start cleaning. He may very well have forgot the photos and letter were in that book. If he'd wanted to hide things he would have blown up at you for going through his stuff [accident or not] He just doesn't seem bothered by this at all. Other then having a few photos and a letter you don't mention anything else about this ex GF, it was 3 years ago and sounds like he may have been devastated at the time but has moved on so maybe you should to?

Lucy Lambourne

But did he lie to me about keeping it? That's what's bugging me.

sffc

Even some survivors of Nazi concentration camps kept souveniers OP! You have to realise this was a big part of his life and there must have been many happy times in those three years. It's unrealistic of you to simply expect him to scrub it all out like it never happened. If you were writing that he was always comparing you to his ex I would have sympathy - but he's not and it doesn't sound like his style. His style is from what I read that he likes his mementoes nothing more.

sffc

Lucy Lambourne wrote: »

But did he lie to me about keeping it? That's what's bugging me.

Because you are by your own admission jealous and he didn't want to make you angry and upset .

Pippy1976

Lucy Lambourne wrote: »

But did he lie to me about keeping it? That's what's bugging me.

Does it matter? He's not seeing her on the sly. And no, he probably didn't lie to you about keeping it. Boys don't think the same as girls do - he more than likely, as he said himself, didn't even know it was there.

Don't get hung up on an issue that isn't even there to begin with. Non-event. Move on and enjoy being with him instead of creating scenarios in your head. You'll drive both yourself and your boyfriend insane if you keep going on about this.

Lucy Lambourne

It matters a huge amount to me if I was lied to. I was in a relationship where I was lied to constantly and I always stress complete honesty, even if I don't like the answer. He knows about my past relationship and how important honesty is. So that's why it's buggin me.

sffc

Lucy Lambourne wrote: »

It matters a huge amount to me if I was lied to. I was in a relationship where I was lied to constantly and I always stress complete honesty, even if I don't like the answer. He knows about my past relationship and how important honesty is. So that's why it's buggin me.

Are you saying that if he said he purposely kept the letter ( which you believe is the truth) that you wouldn't be equally or more upset? ?? You wouldn't believe he was admitting he still had feeling for her?

Stavro Mueller

You need to chill out here or you'll destroy this relationship with your insecurity and jealousy. I can understand where you're coming from but you are over-reacting.

Lucy Lambourne

sffc wrote: »

Are you saying that if he said he purposely kept the letter ( which you believe is the truth) that you wouldn't be equally or more upset? ?? You wouldn't believe he was admitting he still had feeling for her?

If I knew he'd kept it purposely I'd ask him why and hopefully we'd talk about it. There'd be no tears or tantrums believe me, our relationship isn't full of drama. This whole situation doesn't really make sense to me which is why its bugging me. If he went through everything and cleared out all "their" stuff, why was it in the new box?

I was in an abusive relationship where I was "gaslighted" for years. Lying to me, about even the tiniest thing, is pretty much the worst thing someone could do to me and he knows this. Even if it seems like a "white lie". But he's saying he's not lying at all and I can't help thinking he's just concealing the fact he kept it because he doesn't want to upset me.

candystick

Perhaps he wanted to keep the letter for sentimental value. I have a few letters etc from previous relationships. I laugh about them now and my husband has seen them all. Maybe your bf felt that you would read into the fact that he wanted to keep the letter and didn't want to upset you. But he was right! The fact that he would want to keep this ex's letter bugs you. The problem is trust, not a letter or your bf trying to hide the fact that he wanted to keep it. You must learn to trust your bf. If there's no trust there is no relationship. The letter is no big deal. If you felt secure in your relationship this letter wouldn't even be an issue.

Lucy Lambourne

candystick wrote: »

Perhaps he wanted to keep the letter for sentimental value. I have a few letters etc from previous relationships. I laugh about them now and my husband has seen them all. Maybe your bf felt that you would read into the fact that he wanted to keep the letter and didn't want to upset you. But he was right! The fact that he would want to keep this ex's letter bugs you. The problem is trust, not a letter or your bf trying to hide the fact that he wanted to keep it. You must learn to trust your bf. If there's no trust there is no relationship. The letter is no big deal. If you felt secure in your relationship this letter wouldn't even be an issue.

How can I trust/feel secure if he's going to lie to me over such a small thing? If it really was no big deal, why lie? That's assuming he is lying, which of course I can't be certain of, and which he denies

ABajaninCork

cymbaline wrote: »

You need to chill out here or you'll destroy this relationship with your insecurity and jealousy. I can understand where you're coming from but you are over-reacting.

Exactly this. He's already given you an explanation (which is probably the truth, knowing how the male of the species works!). For whatever reason, you won't accept it.

Why are you so jealous of his ex? She's an ex for a reason!! OP I think you need some serious work on your jealousy and insecurity, or else you'll destroy everything. Have you thought about counselling?

candystick

If he's telling the truth then that's great. If he lied, not only did he possibly think it would upset you but perhaps he felt embarrassed. At the end of the day everyone lies. You can't argue with him or hold a grudge over one little white lie. It's a letter for God sake. The fact that he scrunched the letter up and threw it out says more to me. He's not interested in his ex anymore so you need to let this go.

P. Breathnach

OP, can you see what a trap you have constructed for your boyfriend? You are very jealous, apparently without much justification. And you hate being lied to, and you hate it to the extent that even the possibility that he is telling lies becomes a problem.

It looks to me as if he tried to eliminate every vestige of his connection with his ex in order to please you. That's going further than than most people have to. His effort was not 100% successful, but I don't think that is a big deal. If he had kept that letter because it meant something to him, I suspect that he would have concealed it rather than leaving it where you might find it so easily.

I don't think you should be worried about his damaging your relationship. I think you should worry about you damaging it.

tinkerbell

OP, everybody has a history. You cannot wipe every last trace of his ex off the face of this planet like the Men In Black do. It's just a letter, some people seem to like to keep this stuff as it reminds them of fond PAST memories, others prefer to throw it away. Personally I don't see the need to hang onto that kinda stuff, but that's my opinion.

You however have serious jealousy and trust issues. It is not his fault you are this way, he has done nothing wrong here. I suggest that you seek counselling for your issues because you will destroy your relationship if you keep this up.

Chara1001

For gods sake its just a letter that he forgot about, you've apparently decided that he's lying about forgetting it.
Your past relationship isn't your current one. Don't get caught up in suspicion with your OH, he's not your ex,
As far as I can see -and i'm not alone here- the problem is your jealousy and distrust.
I think you should address it now.

Merkin

I think you should believe him. You'd also want to work on your trust issues before saying yes to any proposals..Jealousy is possibly the most corrosive thing for a relationship and you shouldn't feel the need to go snooping in his room for clues either, I'd take him at his word on this. If he didn't love you he wouldn't be with you.

CaraMay

Lucy Lambourne wrote: »

It matters a huge amount to me if I was lied to. I was in a relationship where I was lied to constantly and I always stress complete honesty, even if I don't like the answer. He knows about my past relationship and how important honesty is. So that's why it's buggin me.

I doubt he lied to you but you are never going to listen to what is said here anyway. You say your ex was a habitual liar but you obviously stayed with him despite that even for a while so you have to take responsibility for that.

Do you live with your boyfriend?

Stavro Mueller

You're also setting the bar very very high for your boyfriend. People aren't always 100% truthful either. I'm not talking downright lies here but much more mundane stuff. White lies, exaggeration, omission etc. These can be deliberate or inadvertent. If you spend your life watching out for holes in the stories your boyfriend tells you, you're going to be very miserable indeed. It's clear that you don't trust him on this issue and that is worrying. It's only a letter for heaven's sake and as someone already pointed out, if he valued it that much, he wouldn't have left it where it'd be easily found. In my opinion it was very good of him to get rid of so many mementos from his previous life. Cut him some slack and go get professional help.

Pippy1976

Lucy Lambourne wrote: »

It matters a huge amount to me if I was lied to. I was in a relationship where I was lied to constantly and I always stress complete honesty, even if I don't like the answer. He knows about my past relationship and how important honesty is. So that's why it's buggin me.

Ok so it matters to you... what matters is lying, I'm assuming? And he didn't really lie - not that you can be sure of.

I hardly think this situation warrants the reaction / time you're investing in it. If all other aspects of your relationship are fine then I'm not sure that him keeping a letter from an ex justifies such a reaction.

I'm currently with someone but have a memento of an ex of mine who meant alot but I certainly don't want to be with them ... it's just a memento of a past relationship. Stop reading too much into things. Honestly.

Curry Addict

Op I do get where you are coming from and honesty is all important In a relationship but we shouldn't have to pay for the sins of past partners. Each new partner deserves a clean sheet to work from and it's our duty to give them that as best we can. We all have our sensativaties but putting the onus on your partner to tip toe around them as opposed to taking ownership and working on them is not healthy to a relationship.

Skyflyer1234

Op, from what i read I reckon even if he kept the letter when you asked about it , you would have minded it...said that since Proposal was hinted you should just let it go because he would not propose if he wanted to be with his ex.

Side note: You really gotta sort out your trust issues and stop referring back to the old relationship or else you 2 are in real trouble.

Personal Opinion is that you are the one who never got over your last relationship and now holds a grudge over men(or just over paranoid) that they are out to hurt you, its just a piece of paper... take them like photos.

curlzy

Hey OP, I don't like the tone of some of the responses you're getting. If you've previously been in an abusive relationship (I just looked up "gaslighting" and it sound horrific) then OF COURSE you're gonna be very sensitive to lies. I don't think you're mad or a bad person, but you've been through a traumatic relationship so of course there's gonna be left over negative effects from that.

I totally get where you're coming from with just wanting him to be honest because at least then you can talk it out. However, I also think it must be very hard for your boyfriend to be honest with you about other women as you say you have jealousy issues.

I have emails from my previous relationship even though I'd rather put out cigarettes in my eyes than get back with my ex. If my fiancée had jealousy issues and found the emails (not that they are hidden) then that could ruin our relationship. I suppose what I'm saying is that if you're looking for evidence of lies/infidelity then alot of innocent stuff can appear as guilty stuff, because that's the frame of mind you're in when you're looking, do you get me?

I honestly think you should tell your boyfriend how you're feeling. Tell him you love him but due to the previous relationship you're very vulnerable to any kind of lies etc.

I honestly think you should have a think about going to therapy. I've gone 3 times in my life and it's such a helpful thing to do. Sometimes just talking it out with someone unbiased and on your side can really help clear up what you're thinking and get some clarity.

You love you're boyfriend and he loves you. Wouldn't it be an awful shame to lose each other over something that could be quite fixable with a little bit of help from a therapist and some work on your side?

Very best of luck OP.

Lucy Lambourne

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP, I don't like the tone of some of the responses you're getting.

Thanks, I thought the tone of some of the responses was very unwarranted too and I doubt people read my post fully, so to clear somethings up:

I didn't make my boyfriend throw out anything, he was the one who decided to clean out his room. In fact I told him NOT TO throw anything out on my account.

I didn't go snooping at all, the photos fell when I knocked a shelf over. The letter was what I thought was a scrap of paper lying on top of a box. I didn't read it.

I didn't over-react, I handed him the letter and he said "oh I didn't know it was there" and threw it in the bin. I asked him was he sure, that he wasn't just saying that to avoid upsetting me. Instead of going off on one, I came to boards to ask advice so I precisely WOULDN'T over-react.

I just wanted peoples opinions on whether or not he lied to me about this because I've suspected that he's not as over his ex as he says he is sometimes. And to the people who've said it's ok to tell lies about stuff like this, it's not, because when you lie and the truth gets found out, it can make things appear alot more sinister than they were to begin with.

Pippy1976

Lucy Lambourne wrote: »

I just wanted peoples opinions on whether or not he lied to me about this

And most of our opinions, seeing as though you asked for them {see quote above} are that he did indeed not lie to you about it.

Sorry to hear about your previous relationship but for fear of sabotaging your current one I think you should believe your boyfriend and move on.

Stavro Mueller

If you don't believe he's over his ex, where does that leave you? I strongly suggest you get professional help or you're well on the way to destroying this relationship. Maybe he is lying or maybe just maybe you're so scarred by your last boyfriend that things like this are blown out of proportion in your mind.

Chara1001

OP as someone who has been through a mentally abusive relationship, i can identify with you.
I know we become hypersensitive to things that 'might' be going on- lying, etc. As a previous poster said you need to give your OH a clean sheet with this relationship, and you need to talk about your insecurities and make him aware of them, which other posters have advised also, and which i'm sure you've done.
It doesn't matter that you guys didn't argue when you found the letter and you needed to clarify that. That's not what your post is about. It doesn't matter that you didn't read it- your post is not about this either.
What matters is that you are worried that he's lying and have decided that he is. You keep responding to our posts re-iterating this. Why should he? Why are you so certain? maybe if you keep asking him, eventually he'll say yes he did keep it on purpose to stop you questioning him, would you be happy then? You have decided this due to your past experience. He is not your ex boyfriend. It's not fair on him to presume this.
The overwhelming majority of advice you have been given is to let it go and trust him on this. Trust is an issue- with your past of course it would be- but if you're talking marriage proposals and long term commitment, you seriously need to stop this. Don't let your past ruin your present, he sounds like a nice person. Seriously get some counselling- i am and its very helpful. I'm very mindful of getting into arguments with people and reacting as though they were my ex, it's not helpful to them or me. You've had an awful time but if you don't stop this your ex will still have some semblance of control over you.
There is no more advice i can give, or that you possibly want to hear.
Best of luck

Lucy Lambourne

Thanks for everyone's thoughts on this. I appreciate that you don't always get the anwers you want on here but I thought that some of the responses were a bit harsh, especially the one that said I have a grudge against men (this is absolutely not the case) and also that I have to take responsability for the fact that I stayed with my ex when he was abusive. If it was as easy as "just leaving" hundreds of charities, womens aid etc wouldn't exist.

Yes I am overly-suspicious, but I was majorly duped before (esp. the gaslighting thing which competely destroys any sense of trusting your own judgement).

I understand my boyfriend is not my ex, but I didn't think my ex was capable of what he was doing either. I'm often not capable of trusting my own judgement on things after years of being told I was "just paranoid" when I had been right about everything all along but had been abused to the point where I didn't believe I was even capable of knwing fiction from reality. It's because of being unable to trust my own judgement and needing an outside opinion that I posted on boards, as I was unsure if this was a relic of my past relationship, or if I had real reason for concern. I did have counselling after my last relationship ended, but I think I will go back to address this particular issue. Thanks for all the replies.

Neyite

Its good that you want to return to counselling OP. I felt that as long as I had issues pertaining to my Ex, he was still winning - he still had that horrible hold over me. So I worked damn hard with a counseller to ensure I put him firmly in the past. Took a little while, but I got there and am so glad I did.

Your ex badly affected your past, and is still affecting your present. You have a potentially amazing future ahead with a wonderful man - don't let your Ex destroy that on you too.

Peanut2011

Lucy Lambourne wrote: »

It matters a huge amount to me if I was lied to. I was in a relationship where I was lied to constantly and I always stress complete honesty, even if I don't like the answer. He knows about my past relationship and how important honesty is. So that's why it's buggin me.

Lucy Lambourne wrote: »

How can I trust/feel secure if he's going to lie to me over such a small thing? If it really was no big deal, why lie? That's assuming he is lying, which of course I can't be certain of, and which he denies

OP the issues you have posted here are really not his issues but yours!He was not the one that hurt you in the past, yet you keep prosecuting him forit!

If you do not learn to trust him and enjoy the relationship on the merits itis based this won't go very far. Why are you so nosey? Why do you feel youcan't trust him?

With the take on that you have no matter what he does will ever be goodenough for you and it will end the relationship sooner or later. If he ishinting the proposal next year I would seriously consider if that is a goodthing. You must resolve these insecurities before you ever consider going anyfurther in that relationship.

Wish you the best of luck but in this case you are your own worst enemy.

Lucy Lambourne

usin me Mrs account. Op's boyf here.

Told us she asked fer advice here on what to do about the situation cos she didn know what to say to me so I asked her if I could see what she said, cos she's embarrassed talkin to me bout it.

Some of yis are bein really unfair. She didn't go throu me stuff and she didn't ask me to get rid ov anythin and she certainly isn't prosecutin me!!! She's quiet as a mouse!

I'd really wory about some of yis, thinkin that yer "helpin" someone with advice when yer been borderline abusive. If you dont have a compassionate and empatetic ear then don't give out advice when someone is vunerable and looking for help.

Tanks to everyone who wer compassionate. The girl had an horrific time at the hands of the ex. It's not me she doesn't trust, its herself and her own judgement and tats why she came looking for advice on wether or not she could believe dat I wasn't lying to her (which I wasn't!).

She knows she needs to go back to counsellin and sort out her own self-esteem so dat we can move on in the future and she made an appointment today. But some poeple need to be abit more careful, some of yis were accusin her of bein horrible when she just needed an outside an opinion on de thoughts she had. She hasn't "done" anything to me.

Tanks to the people who gave honest helpful suggestions.

simply simple

Lucy Lambourne wrote: »

usin me Mrs account. Op's boyf here.

Told us she asked fer advice here on what to do about the situation cos she didn know what to say to me so I asked her if I could see what she said, cos she's embarrassed talkin to me bout it.

Some of yis are bein really unfair. She didn't go throu me stuff and she didn't ask me to get rid ov anythin and she certainly isn't prosecutin me!!! She's quiet as a mouse!

I'd really wory about some of yis, thinkin that yer "helpin" someone with advice when yer been borderline abusive. If you dont have a compassionate and empatetic ear then don't give out advice when someone is vunerable and looking for help.

Tanks to everyone who wer compassionate. The girl had an horrific time at the hands of the ex. It's not me she doesn't trust, its herself and her own judgement and tats why she came looking for advice on wether or not she could believe dat I wasn't lying to her (which I wasn't!).

She knows she needs to go back to counsellin and sort out her own self-esteem so dat we can move on in the future and she made an appointment today. But some poeple need to be abit more careful, some of yis were accusin her of bein horrible when she just needed an outside an opinion on de thoughts she had. She hasn't "done" anything to me.

Tanks to the people who gave honest helpful suggestions.

you make me feel good! you two are having a very special bond between you with all this transparency, which is seen very rarely in most relationships! kudos to her too that she mentioned it to u that she didnt trust u and asked for advise somewhere else!

Neyite

Closing this thread now as you seem to have resolved it OP and are talking to your boyfriend again.