My butterflies are broken

LegacyUser

This is a long one but I feel the background info is necessary. Thank you to whoever reads it through.
Five years ago at the age of 18 I was cheated on by my boyfriend. It happens of course, but he was very manipulative and nasty to me. When we got together I was a very innocent 17 year old and living in a hostile environment with my dad who could be pretty aggressive so it isn't surprising that I got with a similar boy. My ex told me if I didn't sleep with him he'd cheat on me, compared me to his ex (who was really beautiful!) all the time, he'd stand me up, wouldn't take no for an answer sometimes when it came to sexual things, he'd text other girls when in bed beside me (no joke!) like he really, really was a nasty piece of work. Anyway, it's years later, I've had counselling etc and learned why I allowed that kind of carry on in the first place.

But here is where the problem persists. I have briefly dated men since but never really had a relationship since him. I did end up being with my best friend for 5 months but it turned out he was still seeing his ex and eventually he told me he didn't feel anything for me. So naturally I was devastated. That was the only kind of relationship I had since the first guy and it ended horribly with me feeling so stupid again for falling for the same things when I really should have known better.

That thing with the friend was 3 years ago. I've dated lots of men since then and met a few on nights out etc but I never meet anyone who I could ever see me wanting to be with in a relationship. I feel like something is broken in my head because I don't feel butterflies for men at all, even if I really like them, it's more an anxious feeling that I get. But it's never excitement or butterflies. I talked to my counsellor about this and we agreed that maybe it's just because I worry deep down that if I put myself out there I can be rejected and hurt again, and she said to remember that butterflies can grow over time with a person. The thing is though, I feel kind of wasted because I can't see how I can ever possibly build any kind of relationship with a guy when I feel no butterflies at all, I feel like I will always be waiting for it to go wrong for starters but also, how is it fair to go out with a man knowing that I'll probably either a.) not feel the things that he's feeling or b.) end up being played like that again. Despite all the counselling, I am too vulnerable when it comes to men messing around with me. I recently made myself join an online dating site just because I was becoming too comfortable being alone (and I'm only 24 so it's not really normal) and I met some nice guys, some really sincere ones and all but there was no chemistry. It's like that chemistry button is broken in me. The only men I could imagine myself with are the men who have absolutely no intention of being in a relationship and are definitely not the type to be faithful. It feels like the only men I can actually feel anything for are the ones like my ex and I wouldn't go near them, ever! So it feels like my options are either be alone as I have been doing or force myself into a relationship I just don't enjoy or feel anything in and that's not fair on the guy then! Has anyone ever felt this before and if so, did it ever come back? What did you do to get it back? I feel embarrassed that I might be this way forever. Five years is way too long. I can't make myself go and date men when I feel no excitement or chemistry for them whatsoever but I don't seem to feel it for anyone anymore. So what can I do?

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I just want to say firstly that was a horrible thing you went though with your ex, but onwards and upwards now.

I think you are over-estimating the frequency that you "should" be finding guys you have great chemistry with. I have no history of being treated particularly badly by a guy but even I feel (and I have friends who feel the same) that the guys who give you the butterflies are very hard to find. In the last 5 years I could count on one hand the amount of guys I have had proper intense chemistry with, with only one really standing out (I'm 25). I don't think that is anything to do with me, I just think that is what makes chemistry special, the rarity of it and the way it feels to finally find it, like you actually have found that one in a million person.

Keep out there and meeting guys, you will meet another one who you have that mad chemistry with. All you need to do is meet one more, not loads, just one! and that one guy could be "THE one";). Don't blame yourself, the barriers you feel you have up will collapse. You shouldn't let them down for just anyone.

You aren't alone when you feel like you will never meet a guy who has the potential to be a good boyfriend while also giving you butterflies. Its way more common than you imagine. Fingers crossed we both find it soon!

Good luck xx

LegacyUser

Thank you for the reply, I hope we both find it soon too because this really gets me down lately.

LegacyUser

I did not have such a horrible experience as you had, but my first boyfriend who I really loved cheated on me, and for 5 years afterwards I had plenty of interest and 'action' but there was no one who made me want to be in relationship, I met guys who I liked a lot and cared about and had a lot of fun with, but I was always the 'lets keep things casual' girl, partly I'm sure because I was scared of being vulnerable and getting hurt again, but mostly because no one seemed to make me want to be in a relationship enough.

Even though I wanted to be in one, I wasn't going to be in one for the sake of it, although I could have been. I got quite lonely and felt quite sad about it at times. And then BAM! one day out of the blue, I met the most amazing guy, and it all felt so right, we were serious within two months and I didn't even hesitate. We are still going great nearly a year later.

So believe it can happen! It is probably partly letting go of past issues, which it seems you are doing with your counsellor, and partly just waiting for the right one to come along, if there were that many of them it would be too easy, and too confusing with all the choice! :-) so in the meantime, have fun, and who knows who is around the corner! x

LegacyUser

Your post made me smile the whole time reading it, I am so happy you got a great guy after all that time feeling alone. Thank you for posting!!
Fingers crossed it comes right for me soon, I worry that people will think I'm some kind of weirdo for being single all the time. It also effects my confidence big time because I worry my friends and colleagues might wonder what my problem is and why they've not seen me in a relationship.

LegacyUser

I cant say I have ever felt the 'butterfly' thing either, but i have felt an attraction and chemistry ,
but you say 'The only men I could imagine myself with are the men who have absolutely no intention of being in a relationship and are definitely not the type to be faithful. It feels like the only men I can actually feel anything for are the ones like my ex and I wouldn't go near them, ever!' why is this do you think this is , kep strong , get a good one.

And on a side note, could be yards and yards off but what about girls.

Anyway , know you are not alone, stop stressing or thinking what others think. you are becoming open to meeting someone and putting in effort, no need to force it, you will feel it when you feel it

LegacyUser

Yeah I guess I am pressuring myself a bit too much, I am putting myself out there. I suppose I can't make it happen any quicker.
One the issue of girls, I am not attracted to women. I am definitely physically attracted to men.

LegacyUser

In the same boat as you. The butterfly thing doesn't happen that often for me. 28 and felt it twice, but never had the opportunity to be with either. The recent guy I like, really nice guy but I don't feel it and I really want to. He is kind, good looking and we get on well and I've been trying to force myself to feel it but know now that it isn't going to happen and know it's best to tell him now, it isn't fair on him. you can't help who you like and sometimes it doesn't make sense and just happens. Waiting isn't the easiest and fear of not finding it can control you. Be patient and trust what you feel.

All the best.

RossFixxxed

It's just a side point to this OP, but you need to be mindful that pinning your happiness on a partner is not a great idea. You need to work on yourself and be happy in yourself. A loving partner is a brilliant thing, but it should be just one aspect of your life. Don't get me wrong, I know where you are coming from, but if you rely on others for your happiness (not to be confused with others making you happy, which is very healthy) you will never be truly happy in yourself!

If you're not 'feeling it' right now with people, take a break from the scene for a while and persue a hobby, course, new job, or whatever!

Best of luck OP, there's plenty of great guys out there, just get yourself on track and build the self confidence back up and you'll be an unstoppable dating machine!

albetty31

read anthony di mello's "awareness"...learn to be happy and content with you first...sometimes counsellors teach you to over analyze. love isn't like the movies. you need a friend and companion. what comes with the high of butterflies is the low of monotony over time. you need stability of love not a roller coaster of lust. trust me on the book