my parents dont like my boyfrnd

emily32

hi everyone,
my name is emily and i am 32 yrs old. my problem is that i am in love with a guy who is 7 yrs younger than me. on top of that i come from a very wealthy family backround while he is a normal guy.
so other than the difficulties all couples have,
my parents dont like him even though they have never met him before and keep pressuring me to break up with him.
i am of course in love with him but i also love and respect my parents,and especially my dad the most in the world.
so this moment i am in a middle of a huge fight inside my head and outside about what should i do with my future....as i said i am 32 and of course not married or engaged....while he is still 24 and a kid.....
my parents dont like him cause of his backround and keep pressuring me to leave him and find someone my status and age and mary at some point.
so i need a 3rd person's opinion cause i really feel awefull
ty

tinkerbell

OP, you're 32 - a grown woman. Since when do you need approval from your parents on who you date, especially when they haven't even met the guy? Why don't they like him anyway?

emily32

i dont need approval to date him or be with him and i dont mean i will break up with him....i am dealing with it all the time....my problem is every other day i have fights with them....fights i cant even handle anymore.....i am indeed a very mild,kinda closed to myself person and i never had to deal with anything like that before...
umm...i believe family is the most important thing in your life....nothing and no one is above that!!!
my parents have always been great to me...just great!!! and now...with this decision i am making...i feel i am hurting them so much...cause they dont believe this can work out!! and i am 32 not 24 like he is...too just try things out and see what happens....at some point in my life...i have to get married...but he is so young....i mean what guy wants to marry at his 20s?
then its status....lets say i come from a "good" backround which i hate so much at this point!!!

Tiddlypeeps

emily32 wrote: »

i dont need approval to date him or be with him and i dont mean i will break up with him....i am dealing with it all the time....my problem is every other day i have fights with them....fights i cant even handle anymore.....i am indeed a very mild,kinda closed to myself person and i never had to deal with anything like that before...
umm...i believe family is the most important thing in your life....nothing and no one is above that!!!
my parents have always been great to me...just great!!! and now...with this decision i am making...i feel i am hurting them so much...cause they dont believe this can work out!! and i am 32 not 24 like he is...too just try things out and see what happens....at some point in my life...i have to get married...but he is so young....i mean what guy wants to marry at his 20s?
then its status....lets say i come from a "good" backround which i hate so much at this point!!!

With regards to your parents you need to tell them to back off. You need to be assertive and you need to let them know that who you go out with is not their decision to make. You need to let them know that what they say is not going to make you change your mind, it's only going to hurt your feelings and make you want to spend less time with them. Not because you don't love them but because being around people who make you feel bad is unpleasant. If they continue to try to start fights about it just assertively say this is not up for discussion and leave the room for a few minutes. It might take a few goes at this before they get the message but they will eventually stop bringing it up.

With regards to you boyfriend you need to decide what you actually want from him. If it's just a fling, if you want to get married and have kids or somewhere in between. If marriage and kids is what you want then don't just assume he doesn't. You need to involve him in the discussion about where you are and what you both want. As long as both of you are on the same page the age gap shouldn't be an issue.

edellc

emily32 wrote: »

i dont need approval to date him or be with him and i dont mean i will break up with him....i am dealing with it all the time....my problem is every other day i have fights with them....fights i cant even handle anymore.....i am indeed a very mild,kinda closed to myself person and i never had to deal with anything like that before...
umm...i believe family is the most important thing in your life....nothing and no one is above that!!!
my parents have always been great to me...just great!!! and now...with this decision i am making...i feel i am hurting them so much...cause they dont believe this can work out!! and i am 32 not 24 like he is...too just try things out and see what happens....at some point in my life...i have to get married...but he is so young....i mean what guy wants to marry at his 20s?
then its status....lets say i come from a "good" backround which i hate so much at this point!!!

Are you serious OP...you really need to climb off that pedi-stool your on...status... I mean reallly in this day and age GET REAL

Your 32 grow up if you want to be with this guy then do it, if your parents dont like it tough and if you dont want arguments then move out your an adult

Yes your family are important to you, but reality check family are important to everyone not just you, however you cant live your whole life pleasing your dad as you will end up resenting him for it and having so many regrets due to it, if you let this continue. You make your decisions and your life choices no one else, just you.

As for the comment about marriage, em no you dont have to get married, ever if you dont want to its not written in stone that you have to get married you may want to at some stage that is completely different to you have to, this is 2012 and not 1912 OP

You need to decide what you want out of life and how your going to get that and then go for it and grab it with both hands, life is short and we dont get a rehearsel and all too soon its over, so I suggest you start living it your way or you will be full of what ifs and end up a very sad and lonely spinster

username123

edellc wrote: »

Are you serious OP...you really need to climb off that pedi-stool your on...status... I mean reallly in this day and age GET REAL

+1

What does that even mean? That your father earned or inherited more money than his? Who cares!!!

Youre a big girl now, date whoever you want. Stop fighting with your parents, just dont discuss it with them.

ElleEm

I agree with the other posters.

It is a rare thing to meet someone you connect with. This guy is 24, not 14! He is a grown man too. If you like him, that should be enough.

Your parents may never approve of a guy you date, if they have such an issue with status and people's backgrounds.

You are a 32 year old woman, and while family is important, you need to learn to think for yourself.

Your parents sound like hideously small minded people if they claim to not like some guy they have never met just cos of where he is from/ what he does. It is a damn shame that people like that still exist in the world.

jdsk2006

Really cant believe I'm reading this..........

OP I feel sorry for you, really I do but I have to insist that most of the problem here is you. Do yourself a favor and first and foremost move out of home. Look for a therapist who will tackle your 30+ odd years of conditioning.

I know someone with a very similar loyalty to their parents and its awful to see that level of power a parent can maintain over an adult child - IMO its very unhealthy.
Goodluck to you

RossFixxxed

Well after having to read that about 5 times to understand what is going on, and I'm still not sure I do, I would have to agree with the above posters. There is a huge immaturity to your posts, the constant .... the overuse of exclamations etc. The faults seem to be your own.

Sit down and calmly talk to your family.
Make an adult decision of what you want from your life.
You are 32, it is time to start behaving like it. You are all adults.

This snobbery is going to lead to resentment and more fighting. You need to give yourself space and and decide on what kind of lif you want. Once again: YOU ARE A GROWN WOMAN, act like it.

emily32

Thank you for your answers everyone....
i think most pple stick to the fact i am 32.....i am not saying this fact cause i wanna show how my parents control over my life at this age....or how immature i am according to some only because i put many dots in my posts!!! and i dont need their PERMISSION to date anyone....no i dont need permission from anyone...but ya i do want approval....so why i said i am 32...
i am saying it cause i wanna show that in my mind...i am past that age where u can tell ur parents "oh leave me alone at last i wanna play my video game" or worse "**** off if u like it, if u dont i dont give a ****" umm what i mean is i have obligations,these actions now do have consequences to my life forever.....i dont think anyone wants to divorce after 3 yrs!!! my parents though,ok perhaps my mom is indeed controlling, have never been into my life in the degree this post might imply. this time though they feel they should...cause they believe he is wrong for me....and i am their only child!!
me too i can see he is not "the perfect one" for me...when talking about other things like money,ya but we do have perfect chemistry in our relationship....
what i mean about money...i make a week what most people would make a month if not more and i do come from a well respected and very wealthy family....while he is not even working at this point,he just finished collegue actually. my parents are worried he cant offer the same lifestyle i am used to...which will only lead to problems for us....and that he is a young person...who wants to get married at his 20s?especially for a guy!!
i would also like to state that english is not my native language so if u would like to insult me for that go ahead and do it....
and again i love my family very much...and only the thought of getting married and them not talking to him its just crazy!!!!this is not a movie when u know everything will be fine....this is everyday life and decisions you make can backfire at you!!!
as for him he is 24 just finished collegue and he is currently working a part time job we have been together for 3 yrs now,not for a week!!! and i have to say they have not changed their mind about him ever.....i dont even dare to bring him home!!!!!

gustafo

God you and your family sound like right snobs...i think it's all about the money with ye lot..

Good luck in finding and being happy because you are going to need it.

woodchuck

OP if your parents opinion is the problem then you just need to put your foot down and tell them that you're a grown woman who can make her own decisions and to stop interferring. I'm suprised you haven't done this already after 3 years!! I would just refuse to engage in type of conversation with them anymore.

From the sounds of your posts their opinions might be rubbing off on you though? I think you really to figure out for yourself if you're happy to keep going in this relationship as you do seem somewhat concerned about money and age yourself. But whether or not that is just your parents influence I don't know.

IrishEyes19

Absolutely disgusted at some people's reactions to the OP. A lot of people seem to have a chip on their shoulder regarding wealth and I have a feeling if the OP said she was barely making the weeks rent, and her boyfriend was a millionaire and she felt awkward, the advice here would be nicer.

I see no problem with her being honest about her background and social situation. Of course its tough if you get with someone from a different background or age group. So her concerns are legit. We hook up with people of smiliar backgrounds, interests in most cases. So people need to cop on.

OP, I do however think you place too much emphasis on your parents reaction, I know they might not be pleased but until they meet him, they cannot judge, I may be wrong but I also sense they may feel considering the age gap and his youth that he may be looking at your finances more than the actual relationship, which of course is not fair, but probably a worry of theirs.

try and organise a meal together or a drink. And see where it goes. Best of luck and follow your own wishes. life is too short to worry over such things.

In terms of the fighting over certain things. I think his age can be an issue, especially when marriage and settling down is now what age your at. you need to figure out what exactly you want from life right now and what he wants. sometimes things have to end because you arent at the right place. best of luck

emily32

IrishEyes19 i think you are spot on in your comment and thx a lot for ur good wishes!!
my parents have never been the oppressive kind of people...quite the contrary...
they just see some things in my choice for a partner which even i can see are not exactly "perfect" and they are right to be worried....if ur a parent u dont want ur kid to suffer orgo through hardships...
personally i am concerned about money yes...but in what way.....in the way that my man will not like the fact i have/can make more than what he can...in the long term he will be the one feeling inferior to me....if ur a guy u should know better what i mean....or that cant offer what i am supposed to get from him....personally i cant say i 100% understand that but i am concerned about my spouse and how he will feel later on...cause now we are in love yes..but love doesnt last forever no matter how much we want it....u have to deal with everyday problems together....and i surely dont want him one day feeling out of love and miserable and just leave!!!

RossFixxxed

emily32: First off apologies, I didn't realise English wasn't your first language, no insult intended there. I still find the posts immature though. From the tone right through to the constant EXCLAMATIONS!!!

You are being very negative, assuming how he will feel, assuming what will happen down the line.

It's not about the money to me, it's about your attitude to it tbh.

Your posts seem like you WANT to leave him, but haven't found a good enough reason yet.

It is YOUR life and YOUR decisions. I think you can take your parents concerns on board, but it is up to YOU to decide how you want to live your life, and how your romantic life should be.


Let's cut all the judgement out and ask one question: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

emily32

i am really very depressed with it and like i said...this is not one week...its a long of time doing this and i am a very mild and closed to myself person....i am not the type who would easily fight with someone....i dont want to heave him.....i want them both "sides" to just get along cause i love them both and i cant choose between please the one or the other!!!

Tiddlypeeps

emily32 wrote: »

i am really very depressed with it and like i said...this is not one week...its a long of time doing this and i am a very mild and closed to myself person....i am not the type who would easily fight with someone....i dont want to heave him.....i want them both "sides" to just get along cause i love them both and i cant choose between please the one or the other!!!

Why haven't your parents met him yet?

You might have an easier time getting them to accept him if they can see what it is about him that you love.

emily32

maybe you are right and i should do that but i dont want him to fight with my parents for example....cause in the heat of it...many things might be said...and he is not one of those that easily keeps his mouth shhhh...unlike me!

Tiddlypeeps

emily32 wrote: »

maybe you are right and i should do that but i dont want him to fight with my parents for example....cause in the heat of it...many things might be said...and he is not one of those that easily keeps his mouth shhhh...unlike me!

That's a legitimate fear. But currently they already dislike him and argue with you a lot about it. If the worst case happens and they argue would it leave you any worse off than you are now?

Try to organise it in a public place, like a restaurant or something. If your parents are the kind of people you've made them out to be then they won't be the type to cause a scene in a public place. Could be totally wrong about that, just the impression I've picked up.

Best of luck with it whatever you decide to do.

Big Bag of Chips

It is possible to not do everything your parents ask, without disrespecting them. You need to make the transition from having a child/adult relationship with them, to having an adult/adult relationship. You will ALWAYS be their daughter.. you are no longer their 'child'.

I think the problem here is the mystery that surrounds him. You are going out with him for 3 years, and your parents haven't met him? Of course they don't like him... They think there is some huge reason that you are keeping him hidden (and money isn't enough of a reason to not introduce them for 3 years).

Somebody mentioned if it was the other way round, you were poor and he a millionaire.. I think the advice to a girl in that situation would be: he has not introduced you to his family because his parents don't approve. If he loved and respected you it wouldn't matter, and he would be proud to have you by his side. He obviously is ashamed of you.

Are you ashamed of him? Do you love him? Are you proud of him? Do you respect him? If you do, then it doesn't matter what your family think. And no, it won't have consequences, if your family want you to be happy, they will be happy for you. If they don't, are you willing to sacrifice a great relationship and settle for someone else just for your family to be happy... What about your happiness?

If you don't respect him and aren't proud of him, then do him a favour and let him be free to find someone who will.

The age difference is probably more of a problem than your parents. You are at a stage in your life where you would like to get married, but feel your bf might be too young. Have you discussed marriage? Kids? Or do you assume he doesn't want these things yet?

Or like another poster mentioned, are you looking for a reason to break up, because time is passing and you don't think this is going in the direction you need to be (ie marriage & kids soon). And you'd like to be able to blame your parents for the split rather than take responsibility for it yourself.

kylith

emily32 wrote: »

Thank you for your answers everyone....
i think most pple stick to the fact i am 32.....i am not saying this fact cause i wanna show how my parents control over my life at this age....or how immature i am according to some only because i put many dots in my posts!!! and i dont need their PERMISSION to date anyone....no i dont need permission from anyone...but ya i do want approval....so why i said i am 32...
i am saying it cause i wanna show that in my mind...i am past that age where u can tell ur parents "oh leave me alone at last i wanna play my video game" or worse "**** off if u like it, if u dont i dont give a ****"

Actually, it's exactly the age where you can tell your parents ''This is what I want to do, if you don't like it then that's up to you. I am an adult and it is my decision''.

umm what i mean is i have obligations,these actions now do have consequences to my life forever.....i dont think anyone wants to divorce after 3 yrs!!!

Why are you talking about divorce? You've not even married the guy yet

me too i can see he is not "the perfect one" for me...when talking about other things like money,ya but we do have perfect chemistry in our relationship....
what i mean about money...i make a week what most people would make a month if not more and i do come from a well respected and very wealthy family....while he is not even working at this point,he just finished collegue actually. my parents are worried he cant offer the same lifestyle i am used to...which will only lead to problems for us....

Pay attention now: Money Is Not Important. Happiness is important. You could marry a penniless bin man and be the happiest person on earth, or you could marry a man with a house made of solid gold bricks and be miserable. Forget about money, put it out of your mind altogether. Do you want to be with this man? So what if he can't offer you the lifestyle to which you're accustomed, do you think this would be a problem for you? Since you're earning good money will it even matter?

and that he is a young person...who wants to get married at his 20s?especially for a guy!!

Actually, quite a few men get married in their mid-late 20s

and again i love my family very much...and only the thought of getting married and them not talking to him its just crazy!!!!this is not a movie when u know everything will be fine....this is everyday life and decisions you make can backfire at you!!!

You never know if everything is going to work out ok, and money is no indication of whether it will or not.

I recommend inviting your boyfriend and your parents to meet. Hopefully once they meet him, and see that he makes you happy, and he loves you, they will see in him what you do, and if they are decent people they will care only that he makes you happy. The idea of class or status being a barrier to relationships is laughed at by most people these days. You say that English isn't your first language, so it is possible that the culture your parents come from will colour their attitudes. If you really think that they would stop speaking to you if you married him then that is something that you would have to deal with when you get to it.

As for the age difference; my brother married a woman about 10 years older than him. They have been together for nearly 15 years now, and are still happy, and that's all that matters to us.

IrishEyes19

emily32 wrote: »

IrishEyes19 i think you are spot on in your comment and thx a lot for ur good wishes!!
my parents have never been the oppressive kind of people...quite the contrary...
they just see some things in my choice for a partner which even i can see are not exactly "perfect" and they are right to be worried....if ur a parent u dont want ur kid to suffer orgo through hardships...
personally i am concerned about money yes...but in what way.....in the way that my man will not like the fact i have/can make more than what he can...in the long term he will be the one feeling inferior to me....if ur a guy u should know better what i mean....or that cant offer what i am supposed to get from him....personally i cant say i 100% understand that but i am concerned about my spouse and how he will feel later on...cause now we are in love yes..but love doesnt last forever no matter how much we want it....u have to deal with everyday problems together....and i surely dont want him one day feeling out of love and miserable and just leave!!!

I can understand that, OP. I think you need to sit down and think very hard on what makes you happy. Only you know exactly that its not fair of anyone here to call you a snob ect! I think my own reason for sympathetic is a very good friend of mine was in the same position and she's a lovely person but the fact that she was considerably wealthier and older than her boyfriend really caused issues.

emily32

so...what did she do????

Taltos

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Taltos

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IrishEyes19

emily32 wrote: »

so...what did she do????

Without getting into details, the relationship progressed naturally, their parents were aware of it, but she lived her life under her own rules. Consequently they're not together anymore, but their lives just took different routes. At the end of the day, OP, you need to evaluate this and live under your own rules too, and I know its hard for you to go against what you feel your parents would approve of, but why delay the inevitable anyway? You'll be resentful either way if they ruin what you feel was a good relationship.

I would however look more closely at the more serious aspects here such as age and similarities between you two, as I think these issues are really niggling at you. People are fooling themselves if they think age and lifestyle similarities dont matter. Of course they do. But I do think it can work if you can live with it. I also think the idea of you earning a better wage niggles you more than it would him, it bothers you more. But there are ways of not rubbing it in his face. If he buys you something, appreciate it. If he has money issues unless he's sinking, let him sort himself out, his own way. You're not espected to bail him out either.

As long as you can be genuine about that, it should be fine. Unless you want to be in an equal salary relationship in which case, you should really cut ties now, because you cant be resentful in ten years time if he doesnt match your lifestyle if you assure him you never would. Hope Im not sounding too harsh, best of luck.

SeanSouth

I think you need to give your parents some credit here. Not only are they wealthy, they are also smart. Im not sure how different your boyfriends background is to your own but I can tell you from experience that the differences will become more and more difficult to manage as time goes on.

As we go through life and the different stages of life, many of us hold on strongly to the values that were instilled in us growing up. If you happen to be in a relationship with someone who has similar values and compatible background to your own, it is so much easier. The opposite is also true. Differences in values and perception of the "norm" lead to struggles and continuous compromise.

I dont know what the answer is for you. Take your time. Go slowly. Your parents are not against you. They are concerned that you will follow a path that will end up in your own unhappiness.

hatrickpatrick

Your age is irrelevant here. I'll give you the same advice I used to give my friends when we were 13 and I still give to my friends now that we're in our early twenties. Go out with someone who makes you happy. If you're happy, others' opinions are irrelevant.

To be honest, the only time I see anyone else's opinion as mattering is if someone is in an abusive relationship and won't get out of it. In almost every other case - regardless of whether someone is related to you or not - it's none of their damn business.

Too

Age doesn't matter if you want the same things. Do you? If you are together 3 years and you don't know this maybe now is the time to ask him. If you don't want the same things (marriage and kids), at 32 you probably don't have 6 years to wait around for him to reach your stage in life.

Family is important but when you get married and have kids, they are your family and become much more important than your parents and siblings. I'm not dismissing your relationship with your parents, it is important but priorities change.

If your parents take issue with your relationship what can they do about it. It sounds like you are financially independent so they can't "cut you off". They can fall out with you but it takes 2 to argue and you can just refuse to argue. Don't allow a gulf of silence. The issue will resolve, especially when there are grandkids. Life is too short for these kind of fights (you only have to break the bad news to one mother that her son is dead from a hit and run for her to reply, "We haven't spoken in a year because I didn't like his girlfriend" leading to a lifetime of guilt, to realise this).

Finally - after 3 years I would expect that he is the man that you think he is and so you have to look after number 1. Be happy. If you are happy and secure your parents will see that and will be happy for you.

Good luck. Be happy.

CaraMay

emily32 wrote: »

he is not one of those that easily keeps his mouth shhhh...

So do you secretly think he would be disrespetful to your parents? Does he have a bee in his bonnet about money? What does this mean?

Does he treat you well? Has he mentioned the future?

Why is he not working? Does he want to? has he ambitions or done anything to get himself out of this rut? I can see why your parents would be worried if he has never worked / studied and is making no attempt to.