late to the dating scene

LegacyUser

Male, mid 20s, never actually kissed anyone never mind the rest (in real life).I have had however, some experiences online. For the sake of brevity, i WILL use words like relationship or sex when in relation to online activities even though they may not apply. Don

I used to game a lot when i was younger. I met a lot of people through there that lived abroad. I had one relationship that'd be closest matched with serious long term girlfriend and a stream of "**** buddies" (as much as that makes sense with a mic/cam).

The one relationship kind of just happened for both of us. So there was no real experience learned or used by me in approaching someone for that intent. Since that ended though, i had a number of "**** buddies." I never really had a problem with getting to **** buddy. I didn't plan it like this but looking back, i probably just engaged a bit, made an innuendo or a comment here if it was returned. Pushed the line a bit each time and eventually it just became exchanging openly sexual comments, and on from there, as far as it goes.

The problem with all that though is that one, it was all sexually driven and two it was online. I've never even kissed someone offline as i've said and i'm not even that shy offline either. I would consider a lot of people around me that have friends more shy them myself(although obviously not in this case i guess) . I'd have no problem walking up to a stranger and just start chatting away where as I know some of my friends who have girlfriends wouldn't. I would think i'm quite chatty and get on grand with people although I didn't used to be when i had these online encounters.

I do have someone I would like to flirt with and more and i guess i'm worried that my normal approach is a bit... more on the **** buddy side? Not to mention online and probably doesn't translate outside. I have made a few passes but I think nothing yet that exactly breaches what you might say as a joking friend.

Not to mention, you know, if i make an ass out of myself, this is someone i would have to see often enough. I am however, starting to consider this less important. Given the fact i'm getting quite old to have so little experience, it's probably better to just take the chance anyway and risk it. There is however, always that fear there.

I don't think i've ever really been shot down anyway though. I'd always make moves in small goes, see what response I get and make a bigger one if it's possible. I always found that easier online but I fear either i'll misinterpret signs one way or another when they aren't there. A lot of those signals DO overlap with friendship (as in they could be really liking you but not in that way).

So anyway I was hoping for some advice about:
Approach this from a non **** budy position. ie, without becoming what i consider to be ... "crude", what on earth do i do after the kind of banter stages. I don't think being really straight forward and asking her out on a date is the way forward although i could very well be wrong.
Advice for someone who's kind of had some experience online but that probably means jack offline.
Any particular way to broach the subject and get over fears about never having even kissed anyone or any of the other things that follow.

One last thing. I've always unfortunately just told these stories as if the encounters were in real life (numbers, not play by play). I probably wouldn't mind as much now telling people however it becomes awkward to suddenly announce to people that it was all a lie and in fact at my age, have never even kissed someone. Reckon I should keep this to myself or it actually might be worth mentioning at some stage (whether to just people or to the person i'm flirting with).

beks101

I actually think this whole online thing has held you back in a huge way. It has totally stunted your real-life potential to meet someone and you've probably used it as a sort of substitute, maybe even a cop-out from trying for something real outside of your computer screen.

Not a criticism, just an outsider's observation. And a reason why my advice would be to stay away from these online avenues, the 'crude' instant messages, sexting, web cam conversations etc etc. It's not real intimacy and as you won't find anything long-lasting through those sorts of exchanges. If you want a meaningful relationship, you're going to have to play catch-up on the leg work that you've missed out on all these years while you've been glued to your computer screen.

someguyblablabla wrote: »

I don't think being really straight forward and asking her out on a date is the way forward although i could very well be wrong.

Actually it is.

This, along with the ability to flirt with and engage a girl, positive and assertive body language, making her feel at ease in your company. It's all a matter of expanding your social circle, throwing yourself into new social situations regularly and practice, practice, practice.

You're lucky in that you don't seem to have any sort of social anxiety or shyness holding you back. Use that. Make a concerted effort to get talking to as many women as possible when you're out, regardless of whether or not you find them attractive. Put yourself on their radar. Ask them questions about themselves, respond to their answers. Maintain strong eye contact. Make playful jibes, smile a lot, initiate physical contact.

And don't retreat to your online world again, you've already wasted enough time with it.

curlzy

Got to agree with Beks101. Stop using the computer immediately and get out there. You have a very skewed view of dating etc and you need to fix that asap. Get out in the real world and get some real experience.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

op here

beks101 wrote: »

Actually it is.

Wait really? Just come straight out and say "hey how would you like to go on a date some time"? How would you even phrase it?
Have you asked or been asked like this before? I'm not even too sure i've been clear in my intentions anyway so far. I REALLY don't want to just straight ask this out of the blue.
I've never dated before this scares the **** out of me. Both asking it and actually going it. What he hell do i do or go? Should i even bring up the fact that this is rather new to me

What does it sound like if you come out and ask if they have a boyfriend first or they're dating anyone? Still as bad as just asking them out straight?

To be honest, i had one experience of hanging with this girl and finally plucked up the courage to go tell her I actually really like her. All i can picture is her horrified face as she realises the words i'm saying turning into this and her kind of "awkwardness averting" side step to try make the situation less awkward and back away. Nearly died after that.

Esoteric_

someguyblablabla wrote: »

op here


Wait really? Just come straight out and say "hey how would you like to go on a date some time"? How would you even phrase it?
Have you asked or been asked like this before? I'm not even too sure i've been clear in my intentions anyway so far. I REALLY don't want to just straight ask this out of the blue.
I've never dated before this scares the **** out of me. Both asking it and actually going it. What he hell do i do or go? Should i even bring up the fact that this is rather new to me

What does it sound like if you come out and ask if they have a boyfriend first or they're dating anyone? Still as bad as just asking them out straight?

To be honest, i had one experience of hanging with this girl and finally plucked up the courage to go tell her I actually really like her. All i can picture is her horrified face as she realises the words i'm saying turning into this and her kind of "awkwardness averting" side step to try make the situation less awkward and back away. Nearly died after that.

We've all been rejected at some point, it happens. You just pick yourself back up and don't take it personally, you're just not to that person's taste, that's all.

I agree with just asking her out directly. Out of all of the people who've asked me out (that is not me saying there's a huge stream of men asking me out, btw!), the vast majority asked me straight up. They usually say 'Can I take you on a date?' or 'Would you like to go for a drink/coffee with me?' It's that simple! If the girl says yes, just ask what she'd like to do, coffee, drink, lunch, walk? Something simple where you can talk.

I agree that the time you've spent online has hindered you a bit. I love the internet and I'm online a huge amount, but I also make damn sure to spend a lot of time with my friends and family. I've liked people I've talked to online, you're bound to develop a crush on somebody if you talk to them all the time for months or even years on end. But realistically I knew it wouldn't go anywhere and I spent my time talking to people in real life, not online. I have many online friends who I value as much as my real life friends, but you need a balance, and it sounds as though you're missing that balance.

beks101

someguyblablabla wrote: »

Wait really? Just come straight out and say "hey how would you like to go on a date some time"? How would you even phrase it?

"Hey, fancy grabbing a drink sometime?" Just like that. The world will not implode, I can assure you.

It helps if you've established a rapport with the girl beforehand so it's not a total bolt out of the blue from a randomer - much greater chance of success if she already knows you and is comfortable talking to you.

And yes, it happens all the time. It's just become this terrifying, earth-shatteringly scary thing to you because you've had no exposure to real-life dating thus far, because you've had your head buried in your computer.

someguyblablabla wrote: »

Have you asked or been asked like this before? I'm not even too sure i've been clear in my intentions anyway so far. I REALLY don't want to just straight ask this out of the blue.

Yes, last time I was asked out was during the summer, by a friend of my then boyfriend who I had just met and didn't realise who I was - shit happens, that's dating, that's life!

It was a house party, we chatted casually for about 10 minutes at the beginning and at the end of the night he pulled me aside and just asked 'I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime, I'd like to ask you out.'

I obviously couldn't, but he earned my full respect for asking - most girls feel that way no matter how they feel about the guy. He's since found himself a girlfriend, no doubt through the same tactic - it really is a numbers game. The more you ask, the higher your chances of success. If you don't ask at all, and don't bother making any effort, well then you may as well switch the computer back on and get on with it, because things simply won't change for you.

I think the main thing you need to focus on is your body language and flirting skills around women. You need to get comfortable in female company and learn how to signal attraction - eye contact, physical touch, all the things I mentioned above. Poking fun at yourself, poking fun at her, being the kind of person you'd like to be around. Outgoing, confident, fun-loving.

That's what sets the wheels in motion. The asking-out part should come thereafter.

LegacyUser

Sorry to be plonking more questions in here, I've already asked her out to lunch at one stage. We just grabbed a bite and chatted but it felt like just friends hanging out. Drinks as a group as well. I actually have been doing most of the things mentioned already. Playfull, smiling, eye contact, chatted a good bit, an odd touch on the arm.

I'd say if i asked her would she fancy going for a drink or some coffee it wouldn't actually sound like i was asking her out.

Let's say i did, she said yes and all is grand. We go out to something as a date. I'm also concerned on how we'd even act differently rather than if we were just out as friends. Or how it'd even progress from there? Any advice on my questions earlier about asking her if she's going out with anyone first and telling her that this is rather new to me (or just how new). I've been told by female friends before that they were... taken aback when their boyfriends told them something similar... and that was while we were all much younger.

Gauss

Hi Op,

I really feel you need to meet people in real life to develop your social skills. Go out with friends and have fun, learn from guys who are good with women.

<Mod Snip>

The guy above has some quick easy tips to help you out.

There's nothing wrong with meeting people online but you are doing yourself a disservice by not meeting women in real life.

I hope it works out for you, best of luck.

RoscommonTom

someguyblablabla wrote: »

Male, mid 20s, never actually kissed anyone never mind the rest (in real life).I have had however, some experiences online. For the sake of brevity, i WILL use words like relationship or sex when in relation to online activities even though they may not apply. Don

I used to game a lot when i was younger. I met a lot of people through there that lived abroad. I had one relationship that'd be closest matched with serious long term girlfriend and a stream of "**** buddies" (as much as that makes sense with a mic/cam).

The one relationship kind of just happened for both of us. So there was no real experience learned or used by me in approaching someone for that intent. Since that ended though, i had a number of "**** buddies." I never really had a problem with getting to **** buddy. I didn't plan it like this but looking back, i probably just engaged a bit, made an innuendo or a comment here if it was returned. Pushed the line a bit each time and eventually it just became exchanging openly sexual comments, and on from there, as far as it goes.

The problem with all that though is that one, it was all sexually driven and two it was online. I've never even kissed someone offline as i've said and i'm not even that shy offline either. I would consider a lot of people around me that have friends more shy them myself(although obviously not in this case i guess) . I'd have no problem walking up to a stranger and just start chatting away where as I know some of my friends who have girlfriends wouldn't. I would think i'm quite chatty and get on grand with people although I didn't used to be when i had these online encounters.

I do have someone I would like to flirt with and more and i guess i'm worried that my normal approach is a bit... more on the **** buddy side? Not to mention online and probably doesn't translate outside. I have made a few passes but I think nothing yet that exactly breaches what you might say as a joking friend.

Not to mention, you know, if i make an ass out of myself, this is someone i would have to see often enough. I am however, starting to consider this less important. Given the fact i'm getting quite old to have so little experience, it's probably better to just take the chance anyway and risk it. There is however, always that fear there.

I don't think i've ever really been shot down anyway though. I'd always make moves in small goes, see what response I get and make a bigger one if it's possible. I always found that easier online but I fear either i'll misinterpret signs one way or another when they aren't there. A lot of those signals DO overlap with friendship (as in they could be really liking you but not in that way).

So anyway I was hoping for some advice about:
Approach this from a non **** budy position. ie, without becoming what i consider to be ... "crude", what on earth do i do after the kind of banter stages. I don't think being really straight forward and asking her out on a date is the way forward although i could very well be wrong.
Advice for someone who's kind of had some experience online but that probably means jack offline.
Any particular way to broach the subject and get over fears about never having even kissed anyone or any of the other things that follow.

One last thing. I've always unfortunately just told these stories as if the encounters were in real life (numbers, not play by play). I probably wouldn't mind as much now telling people however it becomes awkward to suddenly announce to people that it was all a lie and in fact at my age, have never even kissed someone. Reckon I should keep this to myself or it actually might be worth mentioning at some stage (whether to just people or to the person i'm flirting with).

As the other fellas are saying you should go out and have a few drinks and a bit of craic and youll meet some one nice for yourself, out of interest what site were you using for the internet sex

LegacyUser

@Gauss i'm not looking to become a pickup artist.

@RoscommonTom No site, i'd just meet people in games. Start chatting. Lead to skype with mics and cams. The games weren't anything related to sex or dating or anything like that.

I'd still love an answer of my most recent question by beks101 or LyndaMcL if that's ok.

Neyite

Gauss, Linking to YouTube and PUA material is strictly forbidden in this forum. Please read the Charter before posting again and ensure you post within these guidelines.

Esoteric_

someguyblablabla wrote: »

@Gauss i'm not looking to become a pickup artist.

@RoscommonTom No site, i'd just meet people in games. Start chatting. Lead to skype with mics and cams. The games weren't anything related to sex or dating or anything like that.

I'd still love an answer of my most recent question by beks101 or LyndaMcL if that's ok.

Hey, sorry, only saw your most recent post now.

Honestly, asking her if she wants to go for a drink WILL sound like a date, if you phrase it correctly. Something like 'Hey, would you like to go for a drink with me next week?' is making it clear that it's JUST you and her, and any idiot will realise that it's a date.

If you do want to be more direct (it seems you do, from your post), make a 'joke' about the 'boyfriend.' It's an easy way of finding out if she has a boyfriend, without potentially being embarrassed. Like, if she says she's cooking or something, just say 'Your boyfriend's a lucky guy if you're a good cook!' It leaves it open for her to say whether she has or hasn't got a boyfriend.

If you want to be 100% direct, no subtlety at all, just say (IN CONVERSATION, do not just ask her randomly!), 'So do you have a boyfriend?' 'No? Would you like to go for a drink with me?' That's pretty much as direct as you can be.

As for when the date actually happens, there's no real way of knowing how to deal with these things, how to treat the person. Personally, I treat them the same way I'd treat my friends -a little bit of banter, the odd compliment ('you're really funny,' if laughing at a joke), buy them a drink. It's basically how I'd treat my friends, just a little bit nicer! :pac: When I'm on successful dates, the guy tends to up the physical contact towards the end, things like brushing off my arm or hand a few times, then giving me a hug at the end, not letting me go til I look up, then kissing me. That's how it usually goes for me on a date and I've only had about 3 that weren't pretty nice dates!

Everything in the dating scene is subjective, I'm just giving you ideas for what has personally worked for me. I don't know if you'll find it in any way useful, but I hope something helpful comes from it!

At the end of the day, the most important thing I can stress is - Women are just people! Don't freak yourself out by worrying too much about what to talk about, how to treat them, etc. Try to stay natural, even if the nerves are kicking in. Treat them a little bit nicer than you'd treat a friend, and once the nerves go away, the whole date will flow with more ease. Remember, she's probably as nervous as you! I've had quite a few boyfriends, some long term, some short, and I'll tell you out straight, the nerves on a first date now are just as bad as they were when I first started dating!

Good luck!