How can you separate if you still have to live in the same house for finance reasons

CathyMoran

I have just found out that husband has done something unforgivable. Financially it would not be possible for us to live in different accomodation at this time, is it possible to get a separation while living in the same house. Sorry, hope that this is OK to ask, still in shock.

sffc

CathyMoran wrote: »

I have just found out that husband has done something unforgivable. Financially it would not be possible for us to live in different accomodation at this time, is it possible to get a separation while living in the same house. Sorry, hope that this is OK to ask, still in shock.

Relax, you aren't the first and you won't be the last OP. Yes you can separate and be living in the one house. Obviously you can't be sharing a bedroom though. It's not ideal but thousands are doing it as I type. Talk to a solicitor asap. EVERYONE in your position needs legal advice. Take care

Taltos

Hi Cathy - sorry for what has happened.
Yes it is possible but you are better off seeking legal advice on this issue.

When it comes time for the divorce itself the courts are quite clear in what they look for, namely that you are effectively running separate households.

Please take some time if you would to look at some of the links in the sticky, one of the has this FAQ
http://www.divorceinireland.net/category/divorce-faq/
However - to ensure you meet the courts requirements you really do need to get legal advice to ensure you fulfill all points.

I am not going to force you to go into details - but do take some time and also look into mediation - maybe as a reconciliation method but also as a way to come to agreement in terms of the separation as the legal route can be very costly to all parties.

Sorry again.
T

3ndahalfof6

Yes it is, I know a few couples who do not share the love any more but for financial reasons they stay in the same abode, I know of 1 couple who did this for 15 yrs, they still had relationships with other people but never took it to the home,

as the years passed by they became the best of friends and got through the feeling of seeing their original partner with somebody else, I guess it is the old saying, time heals.

While you seem to be at the start of this process it will work out if you let it, and your x partner.

CathyMoran

Sorry, still in shock over what has happened and am shaking like a leaf but I am certain that it is over. Thanks for the help everyone.

Taltos

If you have just found out - get a friend around or call to them. Don't be alone right now.

ANXIOUS

Do forget to think about the kids in all this.

CathyMoran

ANXIOUS wrote: »

Do forget to think about the kids in all this.

I would never stop them from seeing their daddy, they are not pawns in this and I would not even consider leaving their father if I had any other choice. Sorry, am devastated by this. I have enough on my plate without this.

3ndahalfof6

Nothing is impossible, while you see a flower thinking it is dead 1 bit of green on it is all that is needed to give it new life, as sad as you feel now it will and has been proven things can work out for the best,

I know, I have been there, for 2 years we lived together till it was possible to move on alone, but living together made this possible, I wish you all the best, remember you are never on your own if you talk about it.

CathyMoran

3ndahalfof6 wrote: »

Nothing is impossible, while you see a flower thinking it is dead 1 bit of green on it is all that is needed to give it new life, as sad as you feel now it will and has been proven things can work out for the best,

I know, I have been there, for 2 years we lived together till it was possible to move on alone, but living together made this possible, I wish you all the best, remember you are never on your own if you talk about it.

I still love him, this is new but I can not be with him after this.

Taltos

Cathy -

is there any way you can get away for a few days or get a relative to mind the children while you get your head together?
I don't think the poster above meant anything odd in their comment about the children - just at some point when you are both ready you will need to talk to and reassure them.

Definitely tomorrow - seek legal advice, but also reach out to a counsellor, my sister has been seeing a counsellor weekly now for 3 years since her marriage broke down. It took her 2 or 3 attempts to find one she felt she could trust but having someone, anyone there to just listen and not judge is really important. This is why I suggested you call on a friend right now - you might feel like you want to be alone, but you really need someone there who can help you map out what to do tomorrow or just to listen or hold you.

<Mod Hat on: Can I remind posters that the intent of this forum is to help people going through the painful and sometimes confusing path to separating and divorce. If you have nothing useful to add please consider not posting.
Per our charter:

The Separation and Divorce forum is a place to come and get some non-judgmental, emotional and practical support on the issues and challenges encountered while going through a separation and/or a divorce, perhaps from those going through similar.

Although some worthwhile advice may be hard to hear, common sense really does apply here; would you make such a comment or statement to a friend going through similar?

>

ANXIOUS

CathyMoran wrote: »

I would never stop them from seeing their daddy, they are not pawns in this and I would not even consider leaving their father if I had any other choice. Sorry, am devastated by this. I have enough on my plate without this.

Apologies I was just pointing out having been a child in this situation that kids can be left behind unintentionally.

CathyMoran

Taltos wrote: »

Cathy -

is there any way you can get away for a few days or get a relative to mind the children while you get your head together?
I don't think the poster above meant anything odd in their comment about the children - just at some point when you are both ready you will need to talk to and reassure them.

Definitely tomorrow - seek legal advice, but also reach out to a counsellor, my sister has been seeing a counsellor weekly now for 3 years since her marriage broke down. It took her 2 or 3 attempts to find one she felt she could trust but having someone, anyone there to just listen and not judge is really important. This is why I suggested you call on a friend right now - you might feel like you want to be alone, but you really need someone there who can help you map out what to do tomorrow or just to listen or hold you.

<Mod Hat on: Can I remind posters that the intent of this forum is to help people going through the painful and sometimes confusing path to separating and divorce. If you have nothing useful to add please consider not posting.
Per our charter:
>

My father is critically ill in ICU so I have to deal with this first, it could not have happend at a worse time. This has to go on the back burner but I am still in shock. Thanks.

3ndahalfof6

CathyMoran wrote: »

I still love him, this is new but I can not be with him after this.

I think some of the advice you have received from others (getting away or getting some friends to call to your place, or going to their place is good),

but I know this would also be very hard, there is one person we will trust to talk to, I am sure you have done this already, I do feel your pain Cathy but call all your friends, while their advice might seem worthless you are talking to somebody,

this lets you step away from your situation for a short while but it will also give you the strength to cope, I feel for you and you will find people around you who love you will feel the same, just let them help, it will make it easier for you, ( time Cathy does heal) I am sure it is not what you want to hear right now,

put yourself in the position of giving advice to someone in your situation, what would you say, then try to find the strength to do it.

ZENER

Hi Cathy, really sorry to hear this. You've been through a lot over the past few years and I really do feel for you.

I know couples who have recovered from seeming insurmountable circumstances and have continued on with a healthy marriage.

Consider counseling - it may seem like it's impossible to rescue things but with everything else going on with you you're going to find it difficult to think clearly. Get away for a few days and consider your options. Really hope you're going to be ok.

On your original question, yes it is possible. I know a couple who lived together but separately for 5 years until they finally divorced. Believe me though it wasn't easy for them ! Very tense situation and takes it's toll on the kids.

Best of luck to you.

Ken

Oryx

Counselling (either separately or together) is your first step. Mediation is your second. Mediation is not there to counsel, but to allow you to separate amicably. I would suggest beginning with these steps rather than going straight to a panic stricken 'how do we separate'. It is early days yet, you havent even let the shock recede yet (and it will).

I know your kids are your priority, so handling this calmly and methodically is what you need to do, to keep them as stable as possible. If you feel overwhelmed and emotional and unable to enter an official mediation or separation process, then dont do it till you are ready.

Whether you can forgive him or not, bear in mind your husband will be involved in your life continually anyway, through your children. It is in both your interests, and those of your kids, to get joint counselling so that you can move on properly in whatever form is best.

Dougal O

If there's a really strong fundamental reason for you feeling so certain that reconciliation won't be an option, then I don't think that living in the same house will be a healthy situation for you or your kids.

Even the biggest house could feel like a very small place.

I've been out of our family home for two years, sleeping in family & friend's houses. There was no way on earth that my wife would entertain living in the same house but separated, regardless of financial concerns. So rather than uproot the kids, I've taken the raw deal.

If your husband's actions were so severe, you may not be able to handle him being anywhere near you, no matter how hard you want to, and no matter what logical or practical hat you try to wear.

It was said to me when the crap hit the fan in my marriage two years ago that "it gets better". And it does. It was useless irrelevant advice at the time, but it was true. Maybe not as fast as you'd like, maybe never back to the way your life was, but it WILL be better than it feels now.

Your situation is raw. DO lean on friends - even the best advice on a forum won't match up to a friend's company.

CathyMoran

Situation while not having been resolved is being worked on. We were stuck in a traffic jam for 90 minutes recently and had to talk.