I've done all I can

LegacyUser

My mam died from Sudden Adult Death syndrome a year ago. Worst day of my life. I now look after my 16 year old brother, who is not a bother at all. Very laid back and easy going. I'm engaged and getting married in May, so really looking forward to that.
My problem is, my older brother. He refused flat out to talk to my younger brother. I don't care if he doesn't talk to me We never got along.
Him and his other half can't be happy for me when anything nice happens to us, or even when I buy something as stupid as a jumper. I've tried sooooo many times to smooth things over and a week later the pair of them are annoyed over something else very petty.
Now here's the kicker. I don't want them at my wedding, they would cause nothing but trouble but my family are all "you have to invite him". Why should I. He has only caused me nothing but pain and stress.
I don't want the glory or anything for looking after my younger brother, but older bro says he does this that and the other for him to our family when he hasn't talked to us since April.
Am I right in say no he shouldn't be invited to our wedding?! Or should I continue being the bigger person and invite him.

Esoteric_

He hasn't spoken to you or your brother in over 6 months, so why would you invite him?

Would you invite a friend that had ignored you for that long? Sounds like the only reason you're even considering inviting him is through family obligation. Personally, I wouldn't invite him, he sounds like he has no interest in being part of your family any more.

ABajaninCork

If you don't want him there, then don't invite him! Simple.

It'll be hard to withstand family pressure, but if he can't be civil, then he can't come.

Daisy M

It is completely your choice, don't be guilted by other people. If they were actually involved in your life they would know how things actually are with your brother. Its very easy for people to pass judgement but much harder for them to actually help out and take an interest when needed.

By family I take it you mean aunts and uncles?

tinkerbell

Why would you invite such a twat to your wedding? He may be related to you but so what - why would you have someone there who has been so mean to you and who hasn't spoken to you in so long? To hell with him.

ElleEm

OP, PLEASE don't be pressured into inviting your brother and his wife to your wedding.

It is the one day in your life where you should be surrounded by love- and I'd imagine looking at their sour pusses won't envoke those feelings.

Do not invite him, do not be bullied into inviting him, and do not engage in conversations with others about why you aren't inviting him. Use the "broken record" tactic when people try to talk you into it. Pick a phrase and just repeat it, such as "It is between myself and himself", or "It is my decision to make".

I hate the obligation sh!t that comes up with weddings, it is your day with your guy!!! Only do what will make you happy x

LegacyUser

Yeah aunt's, uncles and grandmother are at me. Each time I've tried to sort things out I always get off him "you have to make the effort, I don't have time to deal or run after you".
He rang my younger brother and called him ungrateful. We're talking about a 16 year old who says thank you about a hundred times for a glass of water.
I can usually talk to my dad's side of the family but they are going through hell right now as my grand dad had a stroke on Monday and my aunt only has 3 months left to live.

He also gave out to me because we're getting married before him. He actually said "we where engaged before you, so it's not fair you get married before us, you've ruined our wedding planning".

I actually feel like running away.

Esoteric_

Unregistered254 wrote: »

Yeah aunt's, uncles and grandmother are at me. Each time I've tried to sort things out I always get off him "you have to make the effort, I don't have time to deal or run after you".
He rang my younger brother and called him ungrateful. We're talking about a 16 year old who says thank you about a hundred times for a glass of water.
I can usually talk to my dad's side of the family but they are going through hell right now as my grand dad had a stroke on Monday and my aunt only has 3 months left to live.

He also gave out to me because we're getting married before him. He actually said "we where engaged before you, so it's not fair you get married before us, you've ruined our wedding planning".

I actually feel like running away.

Tell your aunts and other relatives to mind their own bloody business, that it's your wedding and you want people there who love and support you, not people who belittle you and make you feel awful. If they don't accept that, that's tough shít for them really.

He insults you, he insults your kid brother and he doesn't make any effort to have a relationship with you. Just send out the invites and don't include ANYONE who is unsupportive of you.

ABajaninCork

Unregistered254 wrote: »

He also gave out to me because we're getting married before him. He actually said "we where engaged before you, so it's not fair you get married before us, you've ruined our wedding planning"

What a wally!:rolleyes: I bet it's his B2B talking, not him. If he wanted to get married so badly, why didn't he? Tool!!

Ignore the big baby.

Daisy M

Forget him and his drama and refuse to be drawn in by your relatives, your decision is made and you do not need to justify it further.
Best wishes to you I hope your wedding goes well, you deserve a happy future. Well done for caring for your young brother and for speaking about him in such positive terms, he is lucky that in all this mess he has you.

tinkerbell

ABajaninCork wrote: »

What a wally!:rolleyes: I bet it's his B2B talking, not him. If he wanted to get married so badly, why didn't he? Tool!!

Ignore the big baby.

This. Does your idiot of a brother and his fiancée expect the whole universe to stop until he gets married? What a self-centred tool. OP I would not invite him nor have anything to do with him. You also need to protec your 16 year old bother fom him as it sounds like he's in a pretty vulnerable place right now and wouldn't be best equipped to stand up to your other bother's awful comments.

daisybelle2008

OP I am going to give a different point of view playing devils advocate for a minute. If you intentionally exclude him from a family event could you be drawing even bigger battle lines.
In the interest of peace and moving forward could you maybe invite them but try to be a lot less emotionally invested in what he does or doesn't do. Excuding him is a very deliberate act, it is already making impact and upsetting relatives. People will be forced to take sides but there is no winner. His absence will be felt and could feel a little hollow even for you. Why not invite him greet them with a smile and cost no more thought in his direction. I'll bet that excluding him is going to cause unnecessary tension for you, It may not feel that good after all.

I appreciate what every one else is saying and they may be right. In my experience, a healthy emotional indifference does not have to mean actively ignoring family members and excluding them. Enjoy your day no matter what though!

LegacyUser

I've invited them both up to the house, he was to busy but not to busy to visit cousin's he would rarely talk to. He has actually said he doesn't have time for us.
I've taken everything on board everyone has suggested. Countless times he has said no.
But you are right in saying it would cause tension if he wasn't there. On the other hand his other half would be god awful to tolerate. Everyone dislikes her, but just puts up with her.

He drives past the house every day. It's the way he goes home. Every day like clock work he drives past.

He even threatened me with a solicitor for a rented house and because I'm getting social welfare for my bro. He said he deserve half of the social welfare as he is his older brother.

ABajaninCork

Unregistered254 wrote: »

I've invited them both up to the house, he was to busy but not to busy to visit cousin's he would rarely talk to. He has actually said he doesn't have time for us.
I've taken everything on board everyone has suggested. Countless times he has said no.
But you are right in saying it would cause tension if he wasn't there. On the other hand his other half would be god awful to tolerate. Everyone dislikes her, but just puts up with her.

He drives past the house every day. It's the way he goes home. Every day like clock work he drives past.

He even threatened me with a solicitor for a rented house and because I'm getting social welfare for my bro. He said he deserve half of the social welfare as he is his older brother.

He can say what he likes. And there's jack sh1t he can do anyway. (Unless he wants the kid brother to go into care) You know this, don't you OP? I'd cut this nasty, childish, jealous, GREEDY piece of work out now. Ignore him and get on with your life. He's not going to change.

kylith

If it were me I'd be tempted to feck off to the Bahamas and get married, just the two of you, and sod the family.

As it is I'd recommend that every time brings up inviting him say "I am not inviting him, and it is not open for discussion. If you ask again I will leave", and if they said anything about it again do get up and leave.

username123

He sounds like a big drama queen man child.

Do not feel you have to invite him to your wedding. And if you want to run away and get married - do it. I did - saved me loads of family hassle!!

I dont have any relationship with my own older brother, I have been estranged from him for a number of years now, it used to upset me a lot but its nicer not having a horrible person like him in my life.