Is it too soon to go public?

rich.d.berry

I have fallen in love again after my wife of 26 years died suddenly in her sleep on the 29th of April this year. Though I still miss her dearly and I am still coming to terms with losing her, I have met someone who I want to get to know better and we've been on a few dates together. We are really attracted to each other and have a lot in common.

We were actually friends before the romantic interest in me was kindled, but she confesses that she has been attracted to me for some months. I made the first move, so any impression I may have given that she was on the prowl is incorrect.

We've had a few frank discussions about whether I'm on the rebound and am vulnerable. It is a possibility, but she's willing to take the risk of having me change my mind over time. Sure isn't any new relationship fraught with risk.

My dilemma is that though we are currently conducting this relationship in secret I would prefer to make it public. She feels that there is a risk that I would anger or offend people for "moving on" so soon, but it's my life and my mental and emotional well being I am most concerned with. She, however, has a more highly developed social conscience and feels that I have a responsibility to conduct myself "properly".

My son (I only have one child) and my business partner and his wife know about my new romance and approve of her and are delighted about our happiness.

Anyone wish to offer their opinion? I would appreciate an unbiased, neutral perspective.

Ellsbells

Sorry for your loss.

I have two friends who fell in love with widowers very soon (within months) with widowers after their wives passed and it caused nothing but hassle.

I agree with your girlfriend - I may be old fashioned but I would wait until at least the first anniversary is over to 'go public'. it seems that this is what she wants so why are you trying to push going public when she prefers not to?

Not trying to rain on your parade but is your son definitely happy about this. I think sometimes when we get a second chance we are on cloud 9 and dont really see what is happening around us.

In both of the above cases, the kids said they were happy about the relationship but down the road admitted they werent as it was too soon and seems like their Mum was being replaced but wanted their dad to be happy. In one case, the family resented the girl (they said they accepted) so much that they refused to allow her to their weddings and eventually refused to go anywhere she was. That couple broke up because of it. The other girl married her widower quickly and found it very hard with the kids as well.

Bottom line, if this is the real deal then whats the rush.

P. Breathnach

As I was reading, the question that came into my head was "what about the children?" - and then you answered it. That's the one that matters.

No need to hide away. Neither is there a need to put ads in newspapers. Just get on with life.

You both seem to be cautious about the possibility that you are not emotionally ready for a new relationship. That, in my view, is wise. For that reason, rather than what other people might think, I suggest that you hold back a bit and keep it on the level of dating and spending time together for the time being.

rich.d.berry

Ellsbells wrote: »

Sorry for your loss.

I have two friends who fell in love with widowers very soon (within months) with widowers after their wives passed and it caused nothing but hassle.

I agree with your girlfriend - I may be old fashioned but I would wait until at least the first anniversary is over to 'go public'. it seems that this is what she wants so why are you trying to push going public when she prefers not to?

Not trying to rain on your parade but is your son definitely happy about this. I think sometimes when we get a second chance we are on cloud 9 and dont really see what is happening around us.

In both of the above cases, the kids said they were happy about the relationship but down the road admitted they werent as it was too soon and seems like their Mum was being replaced but wanted their dad to be happy. In one case, the family resented the girl (they said they accepted) so much that they refused to allow her to their weddings and eventually refused to go anywhere she was. That couple broke up because of it. The other girl married her widower quickly and found it very hard with the kids as well.

Bottom line, if this is the real deal then whats the rush.

I'm not sure I understand where you're coming from.

It's already too late to untell my son, so if he's not being honest with me then it's something he needs to deal with. However, my son is my biggest critic and will not hesitate to tell me when I've screwed up.

If I'm making a mistake then there will be emotional fallout, I know. What of it. Relationships end with emotional fallout under the most ideal circumstances.

The reason I want to go public is so that we can accompany one another in public without pretence. I don't see why I need to pretend about how I feel. This is the season of numerous social functions where I would love her to accompany me. Pretending we are not in a relationship would preclude this.

P. Breathnach

rich.d.berry wrote: »

...
The reason I want to go public is so that we can accompany one another in public without pretence. I don't see why I need to pretend about how I feel. This is the season of numerous social functions where I would love her to accompany me. Pretending we are not in a relationship would preclude this.

I don't see a problem in that. Neither do I see that attending a social function with her as your companion for the evening amounts to a declaration that you are in a relationship. You are mature people, and unlikely to be involved in the sort of social event which involves public displays of affection.

Ellsbells

Look I wish you the best of luck. You wanted unbiased experiences and thats what you got. They were not mine but they were the experiences of 2 close friends.

All I am saying is to keep an eye on your son (not sure what age he is) as he may want to see you happy but find it hard to see you with someone other than his Mum. Its advice in your best interest ok so no need to get up in arms.

rich.d.berry wrote: »

She ................. feels that I have a responsibility to conduct myself "properly".

But she has expressed to you that she is not fully comfortbale with it? Did I read that wrong? If so, dont push it.


Now what you wont like to hear is that I think it is too soon, after 6 months, to be out and about with a new girlfriend. If it were my family whose daughter had died, I would find it very hard and as I said, if its the real deal then I dont see what the issue is waiting for a while

rich.d.berry

Ellsbells wrote: »

Look I wish you the best of luck. You wanted unbiased experiences and thats what you got. They were not mine but they were the experiences of 2 close friends.

All I am saying is to keep an eye on your son (not sure what age he is) as he may want to see you happy but find it hard to see you with someone other than his Mum. Its advice in your best interest ok so no need to get up in arms.

I'm sorry if what I said made it appear that you offended me, I just made an attempt to clarify and to find out what you thought I should do.

My son is 24 and knows not to lie to me. That's what I was trying to express. I suppose I should also have said that he saw all the signs first hand and watched the romance develop, so there was no keeping it from him. He actually encouraged me to see more of her.

Ellsbells wrote: »

But she has expressed to you that she is not fully comfortbale with it? Did I read that wrong?

She has told me that she doesn't want to upset anyone by attending social functions with me. In doing so she is upsetting me. Plain as. It's my argument to settle with her, but I wanted opinions as to whether I'm being too callous. It seems you feel I am, and I welcome your opinion. No offence taken.

Ellsbells wrote: »

Now what you wont like to hear is that I think it is too soon, after 6 months, to be out and about with a new girlfriend. If it were my family whose daughter had died, I would find it very hard and as I said, if its the real deal then I dont see what the issue is waiting for a while

The experiences you related all had to do with the family taking it badly, and my family are entirely supportive. My wife's sisters both live overseas and her parents are both deceased. The sisters were not that close, they never even attended the funeral.

Ellsbells

Op I wish you and your son and gf all the happiness in the world but isnt it her choice too? If she is uncomfortable, shouldnt you listen to her??? Christmas comes every year

banie01

rich.d.berry wrote: »

I have fallen in love again after my wife of 26 years died suddenly in her sleep on the 29th of April this year. Though I still miss her dearly and I am still coming to terms with losing her

Rich, 1st of apologies on your loss. I know how hard losing a wife is.
I lost mine just over 5 and a half years ago, and I'm also now in a new relationship that is facing many of the challenges you are worried about.

Its good that you have found someone to try and forge a new relationship with...
But as I'm sure you're aware, there is often a rush to fill the loss of a partner with someone else soon after being widowed.

A kind of heightened rebound effect, that often leads to some problems for families and partners in facing upto 'moving on' quicker than anyone expects.
I do a lot of work with a local widowers group and one of the main talking points is almost always just this situation...
There is a belief that in widowhood that ''women grieve and men replace''
Which in my experience is bollocks!
Men grieve the same way everyone else does, at their own pace...
Adapting to the new situation as and when they can.
But often some men, particularly of an earlier generation feel the need for companionship and do rush ahead into new relationships before they and those around them are ready or even able to comprehend a new relationship.

In my own case it was almost 5yrs before I was ready to try a new relationship, both because I was focused on caring for my son through his grief....
And because I knew I would not be able to really open myself to a new relationship until I'd reconciled myself with my wife's death and the loss of the future for which we'd planned.

How soon is too soon? When is ok?
The truth is, there is no timetable for grief.
It is yours to manage as you will, but always be mindful of your kids,
The support of your son is a good thing, talk to him gauge his opinion and talk to those close to you whose opinions matter....
I went through this recently and especially with my M.I.L it was/is very hard.

But if you are really ready to push ahead with this,
If your new partner is ready to go ''public''
And if ye both feel it is the right thing to do and that you are both ready.
That you have the support of your Son...

Then a little piece of advice I was given recently in a similar situation springs to my mind.
''Those that matter, don't mind! And those that mind, don't matter!''

Ellsbells

Baie your advice will always be the best as sadly you have experience that others dont have. His gf is not fully happy about 'going public' and thats the main issue now....

banie01

Ellsbells wrote: »

Baie your advice will always be the best as sadly you have experience that others dont have. His gf is not fully happy about 'going public' and thats the main issue now....

Thanks Ellsbells, I thought I'd got the edit in before you spotted that
But to the O.P, my advice(Edited tho it is) still stands.
Particularly in regard to what your partner wants too.

anncoates

I think it's fine to go public especially if your son agrees with you but maybe it's best to respect your partner's wishes. If you will be together a long time, a little longer won't do any harm if it makes her happy.

rich.d.berry

Thanks for all the advice so far. It is really appreciated. I will be away from my computer for a while as I'll be out shopping with herself. I'm sure that the issue will come up again but all your advice has helped clarify a few issues.

The main thing that I've come to realise is that it may be that she's not ready. It might not be about the opinions of others at all.

I'll update the thread if I feel it's appropriate.

Ellsbells

Best of luck OP.

fits

Honestly, I think you should take it very easy, at least until after the anniversary has passed. Your son is grieving too, and the emotions can be up and down. It takes time to grieve and adjust to a new reality.

A friend of mine, her father entered a new relationship within months after her mother died, and they moved in together. It was just too soon for the family to take on board. I believe if he had waited a bit longer, everything would have been fine.

I dont see why you cant attend things in public together as friends, but I just wouldnt be shouting about it from the rooftops just yet. ITs only common sense.

Chara1001

I also wanted to say i'm very sorry for your loss.
I wanted to wish you all the best for the future with your partner. If you have the full support of your son and people close to you, that's fantastic.
I have to say i also agree with Ellsbells saying that if your partner wishes to take things slowly for the moment, i think you should do that. If you're gong to have a long and happy future together, why not wait until everyone's ready to make it public? I'd reckon that she's being very mindful of your situation, but also its a new life for her and if she'd like to wait for a while, why not? If people find out slowly along the way before any announcement, i would say that's fine too.
All the very best and i hope you're very happy

Lorna123

Waiting until afer the first anniversary sounds very respectful to me and there will be less of a chance that you will offend anyone, so it would be worth the wait. It is not like you can't see the woman until after the anniversary but just that you don't go public. I think that's the best thing to do and especially when that is what this woman wants..

username123

Id go public. Life is short (as you know) and its your own business and the most important people in your life already know. Ive never been a fan of living my life for other people. Although I would heed what your new partner wants and not just forge ahead unless she is happy too. Best of luck and sorry for your earlier loss.

ElleEm

rich.d.berry wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice so far. It is really appreciated. I will be away from my computer for a while as I'll be out shopping with herself. I'm sure that the issue will come up again but all your advice has helped clarify a few issues.

The main thing that I've come to realise is that it may be that she's not ready. It might not be about the opinions of others at all.

I'll update the thread if I feel it's appropriate.

It could be the opinions of others that she IS concerned about, though.
People will talk, and may view you in a negative light, therefore viewing her in a negative light.

A couple of years ago, a family member lost her partner of fifteen years very suddenly. 11 months later, she was married to someone else. I personally felt this was far too soon, and it seemed to be the general consensus within my family (extended) that this was far too soon. The new husband found it hard (and still does) to integrate into the family.

Your son and business partner may be okay with the relationship, but if I was you, I would be prepared for a lot of talk behind your back. That's just my personal opinion.

sffc

ElleEm wrote: »

It could be the opinions of others that she IS concerned about, though.
People will talk, and may view you in a negative light, therefore viewing her in a negative light.

A couple of years ago, a family member lost her partner of fifteen years very suddenly. 11 months later, she was married to someone else. I personally felt this was far too soon, and it seemed to be the general consensus within my family (extended) that this was far too soon. The new husband found it hard (and still does) to integrate into the family.

Your son and business partner may be okay with the relationship, but if I was you, I would be prepared for a lot of talk behind your back. That's just my personal opinion.

I have an opinion OP but it doesn't matter because of three reasons : Firstly in a few hundred words no-one can fully know all the relavent facts, secondly it's not my life what I consider a problem you might not and vice versa . Thirdly and most importantly there's only one other opinion that matters - your partner's! The two of you must be at ease before you go public. She knows your opinion. Leave it to her - please don't force it and whatever you do don't tell her you posted here! Best of luck mate. Time will fly ;-)

Animord

Hi OP, I have been in this situation - well, the situation of your partner.

I had known him for years and was very fond of him, his wife was diagnosed with an incurable cancer and died. I don't really want to go into the story too much (it hurts) but we ended up seeing each other against my better judgement. He swore blind that he was not suffering from any kind of rebound and he knew what he was doing. We discussed this a LOT. He really wanted to go public and tell his family and friends. I really didn't want him to but it was his decision. Anyway, he did tell people and they were (mostly) very kind about it - a few people were downright nasty - one of his children's partners was pretty unpleasant, but on the whole they were fine. But actually the one who wasn't ok was him. He eventually had not exactly a breakdown but he fell apart and I wasn't able to cope with it and we split up.

The thing is that he was completely and utterly convinced that he knew what he was doing and he convinced me that he was fine, in retrospect of course he wasn't, how could he have been? We are still friends but my greatest regret is getting involved with him too soon after he lost his wife because I believe that we could have been great together, but it was too soon.

I think the reason that I didn't want anyone to know was a sort of self preservation, if no one had known we could have maybe made it work, but the outside world brings pressures that I didn't expect.

I feel in retrospect that it was like he was almost running away, trying to put as much distance, emotional distance, from his tragedy as possible and the making me public was a part of it. I am not sure I am explaining this very well?

Clearly, I have no idea what your partner is feeling, but her feelings may well be similar to mine.

Anyway, I hope my experience isn't yours and I hope that it works out for you and I am sorry for my half-baked response, I really don't want to go into too much detail.

Best of luck to both of you.

ShaShaBear

Being a child who has recently lost a parent, I would have to say I agree with posters discussing the son's view on this. My dad has been dead almost two years now, and my mother has dated a few times since, nothing serious though. Now, I want her to be happy, and I want her to find love again - the thought of her living out the rest of her life (considering she is only 49, this is considerable) alone is distressing to say the least. Now, she asked my opinion on her first romantic interest 8 months after my dad passed, and I said I was very happy for her to move on and be happy. And I was. Until I came home for a weekend while my house was being painted and the new man was in the kitchen cooking my dad's specialty for my family. It absolutely and utterly killed me. And I mean it was probably the most hurtful thing I have ever witnessed next to burying my dad in the first place.

The relationship fizzled out, but I never told her how I felt. And will continue to tell her I am happy, because if she sits and waits for me to be able to deal with it, she could be unhappy for a very long time.

CaraMay

Yeah I thnk it's important to listen to what your partner wants. As per above, it is also important to keep an eye on your son esp at Xmas.

IrishEyes19

Do everything at your own pace and never mind the gossipers. I agree with others however, just take the family of your deceased wife into account. And handle that carefully. At the end of the day I would hope they would be considerate of you and understand you deserve to move on and be happy with someone. But I think after what must be a terrible period for you and your son, you deserve the ultimate happiness. I can't imagine what it must have been like and I wish you all the best.

curlzy

Sorry for your loss OP.

What I'm thinking is: Why the hurry? If your parner wants to wait what's the rush? I'd be very careful of your son's approval, he buried his mother less than a year ago. You might find love again but he only gets one mother and she's gone. I'm not trying to rain on your parade but at the very least I would wait until the anniversary, if for no other reason it's mark of respect to your late wife. I think you may be so desparate to get away from the grieve that you're gonna make a mistake. Also you say your son wouldn't lie, well sometimes we think we're telling the truth and then it hits us like a ton of bricks, he may be swallowing his feelings to try to help you feel better, I honestly cannot imagine an scenario where I'd be ok with my Dad replacing my mam within a year. Softly softly is the wisest approach OP.

Have you gone to grief counselling? I think you should consider it, they could help with this issue too.

rich.d.berry

Okay, I think we've resolved this. We've decided we won't go to the function.

She's unhappy with the possibility that she'll be thought badly of so to protect her we'll keep it private and do our own thing.

rich.d.berry

curlzy wrote: »

Have you gone to grief counselling? I think you should consider it, they could help with this issue too.

Yes, once a week for four months and currently every second week. And surprise, surprise! My counsellor thinks it's great. He has met my significant other and has counselled us jointly on what can go wrong and the warning signs to look out for.