Have I got a right to be angry?

LegacyUser

Hi all, I am so sorry if this is too long!

I just want to give you a back-story to my problem. My father is an alcoholic, currently brain damaged from alcohol within the last year. I had a very hard life with him growing up and my thoughts on drinking have really been filled with fear. I am terrified to see those I love drink. I know that this is pretty unhealthy. I am in a relationship for the last four years. I have told my partner very openly about my struggles around drink (he drinks very little). I have let him know that I really am working on not feeling so afraid of him when he has drunk alcohol, and that this fear is purely from my own issues, never anything which he has done. I have acknowledged this fear and I really try to hold in my feelings around when he drinks and not let him see that I might be upset or whatever. I know that this fear sounds pretty irrational. I have asked him to compromise slightly, in that when he does go drinking heavily, that he perhaps lets me know before hand so I can make sure I'm not around him till he is a little more sober, but that I really want him to have the fun he needs because he is so supportive. I hope to try and lessen this until I am perfectly comfortable to be around him when he comes home from a night out. This is a lot to ask of him though.

This evening, I went to visit my dad in the care facility he was in. It's a long journey and it was very emotional, and I was tired and upset. Seeing him in this facility and in the state he is in, is all very new for me. My partner had arranged to meet some friends earlier today, and we had arranged to go to his parents house this evening. On my way home from visiting my father, he texted me to say he wouldn't be meeting me this evening and that he was staying to play cards with some friends and not to worry. He asked how my visit had been. I had said it was difficult, so I was going to bed and to have fun. He didn't reply back.

I am staying with my mum, and at a quarter to three this morning, my partner woke myself and her up. He had come home from being out and let himself into our house with a spare key even though he had said he was staying elsewhere. It gave me such a fright as I thought someone was breaking in. He was sick in the bathroom, and my mum woke up thinking that it was me who was ill. He went to the spare bedroom and went to sleep. I went into him to see what had happened that he was in my house. I couldn't wake him at first, and when he did awake, he couldn't string two words together. I asked him why he hadn't told me he was coming to my house (we live in a remote place and it would be very dangerous to walk at night so I could have got him a lift). He said he had texted me, and that if I was that annoyed, he would just go back to his friends house. I checked his phone and there was no text. I am sick with myself about what I did next, but I checked another text from his friend which revealed that at the same time he had told me they were just playing cards, they were all actually arranging to go out. This really upset me as I had had an argument during the week about him being more honest about his plans and that he could be honest about going out somewhere just so I knew he was comfortable to tell me. He had insisted I was making a big deal out of nothing during this argument. Maybe I was.

I left him in the spare room, and I haven't been able to sleep since. It had been such an emotional day and I feel so guilty about being angry at him. I know in normal relationships this probably wouldn't be a big deal but I have been so honest about the fact I am probably not normal with him and I have really tried to make an effort. Is this something I should be mad about, or should I just get over it like a normal girlfriend would?

edellc

Actually in a "normal" relationship this is a big deal..years ago my partner used to drink to the extent that he would come home at all hours in the morning, get sick everywhere, sleep walk to the extent he would use the corner of the bedroom or even the wardrobe as a bathroom and trying to wake him he would become aggressive, it caused massive problems in our relationship and although he was great when sober I actually hated him when he had a drink, to the extent that I hated drinking and stopped drinking myself, eventually it all came to a head and I packed his bags for him one morning which was after the night before, I packed everything and told him to get out of my life...it was the wake up call he needed, so yes you have a right to be angry

You have had a terrible experience with drink and have to see the effects of it every time you go see your father or visit your mother who now has no husband so to speak..you have every right to not want alcohol in your life...we as a nation seem to have this obsession with the stuff and a "good night out" seems to consist of getting so plastered your puke in the bathroom and the like, for me this is just not healthy.

I remember someone said to me that alcohol is not the problem its the person who consumes it that is and as I have gotten older I think this is true, everything in moderation is fine its when you cross the line that it is not. Your BF showed no respect for you or your mother or her home tbh, take away his key he doesnt need it and when he is sober sit him down and tell him that his behaviour was unacceptable. Your issues with alcohol are your issues however you have laid your cards on the table and he knows how you feel , you have every right to say you dont want it in your life likewise he has every right to drink till he is sh*tfaced if he so likes but he has no right to inflict this on you so stay with mates or book in to a b&b.

As for the txt message well you really cant say anything or be mad because you really have no right to go through his phone in the first place, if you dont have trust in your relationship then do you really have a relationship that will stand the test of time, love on gets you so far.

neemish

A tough situation for you op. i think it depends on whether this was a once off or a regular occurance. If this is the first time your partner has done something like this, I'd say explain that you're going through a lot with your Dad ar the moment and that you want to sort this out but need a few days to clear your head. Then have a chat and explain what is acceptable or not. This doesn't have to be a one way conversation. More of a 'what do we expect from each other' chat.

If on the other hand your partner is a heavy drinker you need to be aware that children of alcoholics often have partners, friends etc who are alcoholics also. It's like we create that relationship over and over. A group like al anon might help you to understand your relationship with alcohol and alcoholics and help you decide what to do next.

Best of luck

username123

My father was an aggressive alcoholic who never reformed, died drunk out of his head and gave us all a terrible life while he was alive - so I see where you are coming from.

Youre going to think Ive gone on a mad one now - just bear with me ok!
Read Women Who Love Too Much. It will explain better than I ever can how us children of alcoholics choose the familiar dance of the dysfunctional drinking in partners. Before I read it, and did more research in the area I used to go out with guys who liked their alcohol or drugs too much and found myself in similar situations to what you have described above regularly.

Basically we learn about relationships from our parents, and alcoholism passes on mannerisms and behaviours and we 'recognise' familiarity in partners who have a similar attitude to alcohol (or drugs or whatever). Its a bit like going to a party and knowing how to do the square dance. Everyone else is doing the jig and its a bit awkward because you dont know the jig, then one guy walks up and starts to square dance beside you - and its nice and familiar and you know all the moves so you stick with him.

Anyway, no need to comment specifically on your incident except to say it does show disrespect and I wouldnt be happy about it either. However its important to be honest with yourself. Does your partner hide his plans because of the reaction he knows you will have if he is honest about it. You can say you prefer honesty but do you really have an attitude, make him feel bad, over react, draw on your past as a reason to feel as you do, etc... You gotta look at YOU - youre the only person you can change.

I healed through Alanon - maybe try it?

Best of luck, you sound like a lovely person.

I understand that this is a big thing for you, and you shouldn't have to put it aside just because you know you're sensitive to it. But it sounds like this was a once-off. You said he drinks very little, and you didn't really mention any other instances of it. From what you've said it also sounds like you tried to talk to him while he was still drunk, and you probably got that text when he had already started drinking.

If it was a once off, explain to him that it was seriously bad form, and even though he already knows why, explain the why to him again, and then I'd forgive and forget it I were you. Your reaction is totally understandable, but everyone has their moments and maybe this was just one of his.

LegacyUser

Hi all. I wanted to thank you for all the different perspectives on this. I realize for myself, I probably need some support around my attitudes towards drinking but today has actually been so positive, I was surprised at myself around how well I handled it. When my partner woke, I was quiet and upset. He apologized immediately and admitted he didn't really remember what he had said to me. He apologized for coming into the house and scaring me.

I was quite childish and I didn't speak much. A short time later, a song we both love with very apt references to the situation came on the radio. I burst out laughing. We had a big hug and I apologized for if he felt I was overreacting, and I asked him all about his evening, what he had done, had he enjoyed it. He asked me to fill him in on some of the bits he couldn't remember of when he arrived home and he apologized. He also admitted he was a complete lightweight in that he had only had two drinks and it was enough to floor him (this runs in his family). Both of us agreed that it was a healthy thing to head for a night out, and sometimes these things happen. He acknowledged that given the day I had that he could have been more sensitive about it. I helped him with some of his DIY work. I actually feel confident now that I didn't completely go to pieces, and I was able to chat normally to him. I always had this fear that I would be forever afraid of him if I saw him drunk but that fear is not here now. Thanks again for all your comments.

woodoo

Unregistered wrote: »

I was quite childish and I didn't speak much. A short time later, a song we both love with very apt references to the situation came on the radio. I burst out laughing. We had a big hug and I apologized for if he felt I was overreacting, and I asked him all about his evening, what he had done, had he enjoyed it. He asked me to fill him in on some of the bits he couldn't remember of when he arrived home and he apologized. He also admitted he was a complete lightweight in that he had only had two drinks and it was enough to floor him (this runs in his family). Both of us agreed that it was a healthy thing to head for a night out, and sometimes these things happen. He acknowledged that given the day I had that he could have been more sensitive about it. I helped him with some of his DIY work. I actually feel confident now that I didn't completely go to pieces, and I was able to chat normally to him. I always had this fear that I would be forever afraid of him if I saw him drunk but that fear is not here now. Thanks again for all your comments.

I don't think 2 drinks would to that to a man. My gut instinct is he knows that alcohol is a big issue for you and he thinks it might to be better not to tell you the full truth regarding his drinking when he is out.

username123

Unregistered wrote: »

He also admitted he was a complete lightweight in that he had only had two drinks and it was enough to floor him (this runs in his family).

I dont believe this either. I think it would be very naive to think that someone who caused the scene that ensued (throwing up, not remembering things etc..) and was out til 2.45am only had 2 drinks. Sure if he has memory lapses then he could have had 20 drinks and not even know.