Walking Out.... Confused

Daisy_Mae

I dont know why Im posting here, I dont know if its advice Im looking for or just to get this off my chest.

My boyfriend and I have been arguing / fighting alot lately, it mainly over his selfish behaviour. We have been together 14 months, I moved in to his place in June this year. We have a great relationship normally, we are best friends, he makes me laugh, makes we feel so happy, we had a great holiday together this year, everything was perfect, we spoke about marriage kids everything and just know we wanted to be together forever.


The last 6-8 weeks, I just seem to lose the head with him, he gets me so angry. He can be very selfish at times and I have spoke to him and explained to him about the problem that causes me to get angry.

I am beginning to think I might have some anger issues and am reading on the web how to control it.

Anyway, we had an argument again this week, on Wednesday,well it wasnt really an argument more a discussion on our relationship, his actions etc, everything was fine yesterday morning, maybe this is too much info but we made love he said he loves me and i thought things were ok although I was questioning whether i want to be with him i know deep down I do, he didnt ring me as he usually does in the morning then I didnt ring him as I usually do on my lunch I had already decided to stay in my mams I just need space and him to realise Im not a pushover and this time I mean it when I say im not putting up with his behaviour. I have not heard a word, he didnt ring text to see where i was last night and nothing yet this morning I very much doubt I will. I want to ring or text him but am resisting I want him to contact me when he realises what he could lose if he does.... I know we are both as stubborn as each other but at some point ill have to go back as all my stuff is there.

I know this is a ramble but all I want to know is should I let him stew, should I give him a text just say good morning hope your ok or ring, I am thinking of staying away again tonight, I guess i am trying to teach him a lesson, to appreciate me more etc. I hate fighting with him thats why I am always the first one to make contact, make this ok, say sorry...


Any male views on this... and any woman had similiar experiences

thanks

ElleEm

Daisy_Mae wrote: »

I dont know why Im posting here, I dont know if its advice Im looking for or just to get this off my chest.

My boyfriend and I have been arguing / fighting alot lately, it mainly over his selfish behaviour. We have been together 14 months, I moved in to his place in June this year. We have a great relationship normally, we are best friends, he makes me laugh, makes we feel so happy, we had a great holiday together this year, everything was perfect, we spoke about marriage kids everything and just know we wanted to be together forever.


The last 6-8 weeks, I just seem to lose the head with him, he gets me so angry. He can be very selfish at times and I have spoke to him and explained to him about the problem that causes me to get angry.

I am beginning to think I might have some anger issues and am reading on the web how to control it.

Anyway, we had an argument again this week, on Wednesday,well it wasnt really an argument more a discussion on our relationship, his actions etc, everything was fine yesterday morning, maybe this is too much info but we made love he said he loves me and i thought things were ok although I was questioning whether i want to be with him i know deep down I do, he didnt ring me as he usually does in the morning then I didnt ring him as I usually do on my lunch I had already decided to stay in my mams I just need space and him to realise Im not a pushover and this time I mean it when I say im not putting up with his behaviour. I have not heard a word, he didnt ring text to see where i was last night and nothing yet this morning I very much doubt I will. I want to ring or text him but am resisting I want him to contact me when he realises what he could lose if he does.... I know we are both as stubborn as each other but at some point ill have to go back as all my stuff is there.

I know this is a ramble but all I want to know is should I let him stew, should I give him a text just say good morning hope your ok or ring, I am thinking of staying away again tonight, I guess i am trying to teach him a lesson, to appreciate me more etc. I hate fighting with him thats why I am always the first one to make contact, make this ok, say sorry...


Any male views on this... and any woman had similiar experiences

thanks

I am confused on this one. You had a disagreement about his behaviour, then everything was okay and you had sex. He didn't contact you, then you didn't contact him as you had already decided to stay in your mother's? Despite leaving everything "okay". If I was him, I would be confused. It seems like everything was okay to him.

Not contacting him/ staying in your mother's is not the way to let him know his behaviour is unacceptable. It's all a bit too "game playing" for me. You need to discuss these issues out loud. Does he agree with your opinions on him being selfish? Has he made changes or is he willing to address them? You have also said that you reckon you have anger issues. You mentioned that you are reading up on ways to manage them, but are you ACTIVELY trying to change that?

It is strange that he hasn't contacted you, but imagine how it all seemed to him- you had a fight on Wed, Thurs morning you have sex, everything is fine then you fall off the face of the earth!

Pick up the phone, arrange to hook up and TALK about things. 14 months down the road, you should be able to speak about your problems.

Daisy_Mae

I try discussing things out loud, but he is one to shut off and not talk about his feelings, his behaviour etc. He says he has always been this way and wont change, he is not willing to change.

I know him and know he didnt call because he doesnt think things are ok, I know we had sex but he always is one to keep the fight goiny no matter what happens.

Maybe i should call him, I want to but I want him to want to pick up the phone to me, I am always the one running back and accepting his unreasonable behavour. I put him first all the time but he forgets sometimes that there is actually someone else in his life now.

ElleEm

Daisy_Mae wrote: »

I try discussing things out loud, but he is one to shut off and not talk about his feelings, his behaviour etc. He says he has always been this way and wont change, he is not willing to change.

I know him and know he didnt call because he doesnt think things are ok, I know we had sex but he always is one to keep the fight goiny no matter what happens.

Maybe i should call him, I want to but I want him to want to pick up the phone to me, I am always the one running back and accepting his unreasonable behavour. I put him first all the time but he forgets sometimes that there is actually someone else in his life now.

I really feel for you, but you need to contact him to discuss SOMETHING. Otherwise, how long can you ignore each other for.

Maybe you need to make it clear that unless he changes his behaviour, you cannot continue with the relationship. If you love someone, it is important to work on your faults and compromise on the things that aren't working. If he is unwilling to do any of this, then you need to make your stance clear.

Daisy_Mae

[If he is unwilling to do any of this, then you need to make your stance clear. ]

this is what I am trying to do now, I am making my stance now, I have tried on several occassion to explain to him how his behavour effects me and told him to avoid me getting moody with him to simple do this.... He has said many a time I am not going to change I have been single so long thats the way I am, he is simply unwilling to make any adjustments in his life now I am part of it.

I just think that when you want someone in your life you have to make some changes / adjustments. I have for him...

I know he loves me and tells me all the time.
He wants to be with me but I cant carry on feeling like this every few weeks.
Writing this now I am thinking do I actually need him and his hassle in my life but I really thought he was the one I cant imagine anyone making me feel like he does in the good times....

curlzy

You say he is selfish and behaves unreasonably. Then you go on about teaching him a lesson and ignoring him. God help him is all I can say, if he's as puzzled by you as I am, then he's in a pickle.

How is he unreasonable?
How is he selfish?

Perhaps YOU'RE the unreasonable and selfish one? A bit of self-awareness wouldn't go amiss here. I'm shocked that you talk about teaching your parnter (an adult) a lesson by running away and not contacting him, that's childish, actually is worse than childish, it's selfish and babyish.

Please explain further or explain why I'm wrong to clarigy things. We can't give decent advise when we can't understand the issue. I honestly don't have a clue where you're coming from here.

Daisy_Mae

How is he unreasonable?
How is he selfish?

Ok, so maybe this is trivial to some but for example, Monday night he usually cooks dinner as he finishes work earlier than me, he usually goes for a pint with the lads with is fine and says Ill be getting lift at 6 blah blah I arrive home around 7-7.15 to find him not there he is still in pub. He hasnt had the deceny to just ring or text and say wont be home, i explained to him just let me know that way im not rushing home I usually call in to see my mam and sis, could have dinner there but am under impression he is home you know. Then he expects me to go pick him up which i usually do. I am just looking for him to see my point of view that I am no pushover and he needs to just take in to consideration there is actually another person in his life now. This isnt only a once in a while thing its a regular occurence and he just doesnt seem to learn or listen to me when I explain to him just let me know then we can avoid the argument about this.

He works on saturdays with his dad, saturday is his day to see his child, so expects me to pick her up even if I say I have plans.
I dont just forget to pick up the child you know I alter my plans to fit around this.

I just seem to be constantly running around after him, doing as he says, dropping everything if hes out and wants a lift, I am definetly not the selfish one!

There was an incident recently where he was in trouble over something and i put myself on the line for him and stood by him but he just expects it.

I am making changes for him in my life but not getting the same back.

Ok maybe it is childish and babyish but this is the way he is, he is in his late 30s but acts like a 18 year old at times.

All I want is for some respect from him for him to consider me as I do him all the time, I have spoken to him and told him this.

I know it sounds petty but this is my life right now. I know people are dealing with more serious issues in their life but thankfully this is all I have to deal with right now.

Please explain further or explain why I'm wrong to clarigy things. We can't give decent advise when we can't understand the issue. I honestly don't have a clue where you're coming from here.[/QUOTE]

Stavro Mueller

You can't go on like this. So either you agree that you can't live with each other and split up. Or you sit down together in a room, tell him what you've told us and sort it. End of. You can't run away from this forever.

Daisy_Mae

I know I cant go on like this, that is exactly why I am doing this now, I have tried talking to him many a time but get no-where, he hates any sort of conflict or grown up discussion and just shuts down when I try discuss things like an adult, that is why I am doing this now I want him to think about why i havent come home etc. Ive just had enough of his behaviour and want him to realise if he isnt willing to make changes there is no point.

Taltos

OP - you can't force him to change or to grow up.
That realisation has to come from within.

Like some of the others here I hate this "I'm not talking to you" stuff - but as you expanded your thread I started to see why you both behaving like this.

Few observations.
1. You are not his maid or his mammy - but he seems intent in putting you in this role. You sure you want to be this little boy's Irish mammy replacement?
2. His refusal to discuss anything is a red card - but it might reflect on the approach you are taking. (Doubt it as you have expressed yourself very well here). But just think back - when you try to talk - do you blame him or do you say instead "when X happened I felt like crap or I was made to feel that I'm not loved" - when you don't use the word "you" or pose it as a question you force the other person to think. However if he is not open to any form of discussion....

Any chance he would consider talking to a 3rd party or one of the marriage (couple) counselling groups or a mediator. Sometimes all that is needed is to find a way to get through. Because in what you have written you are at your wits end and one dice roll from walking away permanently. Which if he cannot change would be better than 40 yrs living with someone who won't or can't talk to you...

Daisy_Mae

Few observations.
1. [ You are not his maid or his mammy - but he seems intent in putting you in this role. You sure you want to be this little boy's Irish mammy replacement? ]

Yes he does do that and I suppose I have fulfilled it so I am partly to blame. He is used to having his Mammy run around after him.


2. [ His refusal to discuss anything is a red card - but it might reflect on the approach you are taking. (Doubt it as you have expressed yourself very well here). But just think back - when you try to talk - do you blame him or do you say instead "when X happened I felt like crap or I was made to feel that I'm not loved" - when you don't use the word "you" or pose it as a question you force the other person to think. However if he is not open to any form of discussion....]

When I try to talk to him, I say, a simple text or phone call just to let me know is all I want just to let me know you are not home and not to rush back thinking you are at home waiting on me for dinner. I explain my view and a way to avoid any hassle, argument you know.

I try to get him to see my point of view and come up with a solution, I absolutly hate fighting with him because things have been so good great when we fight it makes me feel horrible i cant eat sleep, i just hate fighting.


And definetly no chance of a counsellor he hardly expresses his feelings to me let alone someone else.

Thanks

ElleEm

You are so stuck here, Daisy, as you have enabled his behaviour for this long. You've obviously tried to bring this up before, he has ignored it, and you have gone back to the way things have been.

You need to bring it up with him, make it very clear that if he continues to behave selfishly and not acknowledge you in his life, then you will move on to find someone who will.

You need to stand your ground here, say how you feel, tell him what you need (texts, calls, acknowledgement of your help/ support, etc.). Tell him that it is so serious that you are considering ending the relationship. He can either decide to change for you, or he will end your relationship. It is that clear.

Daisy_Mae

thanks ElleEm, it is exactly what i need to do, I need to put it to him straight, I have threathend to walk before as if things get heated ill say im going and he will say go then ill be like is it what you really want and he will be like no I want to stay with you, i love you, get in to bed... and i do so thats why I have actually followed through with this time, he is working late tonight so wont be back til 10 ish and probably go straight to bed so I think ill stay another night with mam and go back tomorrow, all i have to do is resist giving in tonight by ringing or texting, as I have missed our chats, our banter and just him in general

ElleEm

Daisy_Mae wrote: »

thanks ElleEm, it is exactly what i need to do, I need to put it to him straight, I have threathend to walk before as if things get heated ill say im going and he will say go then ill be like is it what you really want and he will be like no I want to stay with you, i love you, get in to bed... and i do so thats why I have actually followed through with this time, he is working late tonight so wont be back til 10 ish and probably go straight to bed so I think ill stay another night with mam and go back tomorrow, all i have to do is resist giving in tonight by ringing or texting, as I have missed our chats, our banter and just him in general

Of course you have missed him, but if you haven't seen/ spoken to him, you're only missing the good bits.
Be strong! You deserve to feel loved and considered and appreciated.

Daisy_Mae

Yeah im gonna be strong..... even though im holding back the tears now I know this is the right thing.

I have a dinner invite from my sister tonight as she sensed something was up with me last night and obviously when I stayed with mam so Im gonna go see my niece and nephew later and they will cheer me up no end!

Thanks for all the advice, i might have some good news later or tomorrow hopefully.... I have to go back tomorrow anyway..... whether i hear from him later or tomorrow or not....

Thanks all

Richy06

Whatever happens, OP, he needs to start being a bit more open with his feelings. If he isn't, then the same situation will keep popping up. It's not good enough, in a loving, committed relationship, to simply clam up and not give anything back. It's can't all be one way traffic. If he's late 30s, he just needs to cop the f*ck on and grow up a bit.

Daisy_Mae

Richy06 wrote: »

he needs to start being a bit more open with his feelings. If he isn't. It's not good enough, in a loving, committed relationship, to simply clam up and not give anything back. It's can't all be one way traffic. If he's late 30s, he just needs to cop the f*ck on and grow up a bit.

I said this to him the other night that I want him to be more open and express his feelings more.

And yes I have also told him that he is a 35 year old man, if he doesnt cope on and grow up he will end up very alone.... harsh but Im just getting nothing back.

Yes he says he loves me, I know he is not all hearts and flowers but a little reassurance is nice 3 words are easy to say its proving it thats worth much more

Richy06

Hate to say it, but from what you've been saying, it doesn't sound like he's going to change for you. He's not the most emotionally mature sounding dude. Just don't hold onto the ship until it sinks, OP. If he's unwilling to change, don't just settle for the scraps he deigns you worthy of. It really just isn't good enough on his part and to be fair, you've facilitated his behavior to an extent by being at his beck and call. The fact it's being going on for a time means he's probably used to it and just accepts things the way they are because there's no consequences for his actions.
Even when you decide to leave him to his own devices for afew days, he doesn't get in contact once!? Madness.

Enjoy the time with your family, OP. You'll get something back from them at least.

Daisy_Mae

Richy06 wrote: »

The fact it's being going on for a time means he's probably used to it and just accepts things the way they are because there's no consequences for his actions.

Thats why I have taken a stance now I need him to believe I am no pushover and is actions are not acceptable

Even when you decide to leave him to his own devices for afew days, he doesn't get in contact once!? Madness.

I know, but he is a stubborn f**ker and kind of knew he wouldnt get in contact you know, I was hoping he would but deep down he cant see he is wrong so wont.

Enjoy the time with your family, OP. You'll get something back from them at least.

Anyway off home now to enjoy the time with the fam a big hug and kiss from my 2 year old nephew is what i need.

Thanks

Might log in later

Daisy_Mae

so still heard nothing from him..... spent another night in my mams....

so after a sleepless night waking up to check my phone to see if hes called or text and being awake far too early for a saturday morning heres what ive been thinking,

Obviously i have to go back today to get clothes etc and i have his coat i brought to the menders, so was thinking of leaving him a letter along the lines.....

Dear ,

If we both love eachother as much as we say we do and want a future together in this relationship I think we both need to make some adjustments in our life and behaviour for eachother for us to grow as people and as a couple

For example

Monday drinks with the lads is not a problem for me, the problem arises when im lead to believe you will be home, I rush home thinking your there and youre not, a simple text or phone call to say babe im gonna be home 7.30/8.00 getting the bus, no problem thanks for letting me know.

I need and want you to be more open with your feelings etc we need to be able to express ourselves openly and honestly with echother....

etc etc

Feel free to write down ways I can help improve this reltionship....

I dont know maybe this is me giving in but i cant stand the silence, the not knowing, the not speaking to him....

Or I could just wait... his child will wonder where i am later, why im not home for dinner, why im not there in the morning, having to answer her questions will make him stop and think..... you see I know he thinks she wont stay away cos X is coming today she will come back for her....

its two people im losing if this doesnt work out...

opinions of course much appreciated

Ellsbells

What would that achieve? You said you always do the making up and want him to? You are doing the sam thing again. He needs time to think about the relationship so give it to him. If he loves you and wants to make it work then he will be in touch.