Learning to believe that I am enough?

LegacyUser

This is one big thing that I struggle with and it really only rears it's ugly head when it comes to my relationships.I spent my 50mins with my counsellor in tears & have been in tears on & off all day.

I've finally become so sick & tired of just running after guys who either aren't interested in me, aren't interested enough in me or are completely emotionally unavailable to me. I'm sick of putting my needs secondary to everyone else's. I'm so sick of clinging on to what little affection get's sent my way from guys, in hope that it'll grown into something more. I'm sick of reading in between the lines that never exist & sick of feeling not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough. I'm really sick of acting out of this fear all of the time, it's so exhausting.

It's not all doom & gloom. I've spent a lot of time over the years creating & improving strong, supportive relationships with my friends & family. I know I am valued & loved by these people & in turn, I give it back to them. But I seem to have this block when it comes to relationships with men. I simply don't feel attractive enough, or sexually desirable enough for a relationship. I know attractiveness goes beyond looks but I just feel like I will never be 'enough' in this respect.

I try to work on this all the time but I'm so exhausted of going through the motions. There is nothing wrong with the guys I attract but the minute someone is interested in me, it's like I just fall apart. I simply can't believe or understand why they are attracted to me, I distrust their motives & intentions & end up picking myself apart to find reasons for why they go distant/ sleep with me & disappear or why they don't want to pursue things further.

I'm smart enough to know I'm projecting how I feel about myself on to them & I know I'm pushing them away. I just don't know how to learn how to believe that I am good enough as I am? Does that make sense?

Trisha XxX

Wow reading this is like reading exactly how I feel about myself and I did find counseling helped me. But I guess its just about being happy in yourself before being happy with someone else, even when people tell you your special, amazing sexy whatever it is its nice to hear but we dont believe it. The thing is no one else can make us believe it. We need to be more positive about ourselves and maybe just saying positive true things to yourself each day might help you I don't know. As humans we tend to believe the negative quicker then the positive but you have people who love for a reason so you need to see that and believe it about yourself, easier said then done I know. Hope this helped in anyway. Sorry if it didn't.

beks101

I can relate to a lot of your post.

IME most people validate themselves on some facet of their life or their character, sometimes in healthy but often in unhealthy ways. It's very easy to fixate on your love life or your career or your popularity among friends or male attention or whatever to try to define yourself - I think most people with low self-esteem look externally for this validation because their own self-worth is so low.

Stop chasing men. Of course, when you meet someone the effort should be 50/50, but my experience of dating is that if a man likes you and wants a relationship with you, he will make the effort. He won't leave you sitting and waiting and wondering for very long.

You can't tell someone how to treat you, but you can avoid a lot of the headache, stress, frustration and confusion that's involved with dating by walking away when someone is a lost cause. By consciously telling yourself, 'I deserve better' and moving forward. Sure, it sucks to do that repeatedly and it sucks to do it when you have very strong feelings, but it's all part of the process of setting standards for yourself and not accepting something in your life that is harmful to you as a person.

Secondly, crucially, find another way to define yourself. As you've rightly recognized, you are projecting your feelings about yourself onto the men you meet and this is drawing a lot of negativity into your life. This will always be the case with the people who come into your life - you get back what you put out. You can't change this until you put the necessary work in to improve your self-image and learned to like yourself - keep going with the therapy, this is the best thing you can do.

But find other ways to validate yourself. Those external factors are always risky because you can't control them - if your career defines you, what happens if you find yourself unemployed? If your relationships defines you, what happens when - as in your case - you're meeting all the wrong men and being jerked around all the time?

Self-worth is the answer here. You are enough, just the way you are right this second. You are worthy of happiness just like anyone else. You don't earn the right to be happy or to be worthy - you are human, that is enough. Explore these feelings of inadequacy with your therapist - believe me, they are rooted in something. Something happened to make you feel the way you do about yourself.

The good thing is, even the smallest of changes can have an overwhelming impact on how you feel about yourself. What has helped for me in a big way is vigorous exercise - it centres me, it helps me to run off steam (literally), it releases endorphins that just make me feel damn good about myself. Getting a regular 8 hours of sleep also helps. Eating well. Not letting stress overwhelm and giving yourself a sufficient amount of me-time.

lazorgirl

I would agree with advice from beks101. i think if we can be aware of or connect with meaning in different areas of our lives such as work, hobbies, friendships, family, personal goals then we are less vulnerable if one aspect such as relationships doesnt work out as we had hoped. maybe give yourself and other people the benefit of the doubt; maybe things will work out the way you would like in your next relationship, maybe they won't. if we are not so attached to one outcome or other, then the negative impact on us is not so great. after end of long relationship i have found that by being really engaged in all the things i do in my life has helped me to find my own enjoyment that isn't dependent on others; and even painful breakups or unsuccessful relationships can spur us on to keep learning every day. from what you have said above, you seem to have managed lots of challenges life has thrown at you. take time to remind your self of your strengths and resilience each day.

Roisy7

Your post really resonated with me OP. Like you I have a history of going after the wrong man and the unavailable ones. I have also attended counselling which helped me realise that my low-self confidence and overthinking (a deadly combination) was within my control. I had very few examples of functional relationships (parents split, step-parents later split, grandmother widowed and not close to aunts, uncles etc) but that doesn't mean I'm necessarily doomed to repeat my parents' mistakes.

I would advise you to take men off the agenda completely for a while. There is more to you than your ability to attract men. Like you said your friends and family love you for who you are. So why wouldn't the right man in time love you too?

Don't judge yourself so harshly on your sexual attractiveness. We don't live in Hollywood and people in long-time relationships value more than looks in their partner.

Focus on yourself for a while before worrying about guys. I don't know what age you are, but if you're in your 20s, what's the rush? Don't settle for scraps. If you build yourself up and recognise yourself for what you are, a good person, you will be less likely to settle for scraps from the table. You've friends, family... What about career? What do you love doing? It can be a great feeling finding something you're good at and love.

There's more to life than either relationships or careers, but if you know what you are good at and what kind of person you are, what you stand for and care about... Well there's a lot to be said for that.

I have spent the last few years single and I'm just out of a bit of a thing which I realised this summer largely took place in my own head. I now think that all this stuff that I've gone through with the wrong ones has just shown me what I won't settle for and what I won't put up with. Now I'm ready to meet someone new. Strangely enough had a lovely chat with an ex and his current girlfriend this weekend and it really made me realise that the right one is out there. He was wrong for me and right for her and the thing is, there's a right fit for everyone.

Sorry for the cryptic rambling but I hope you feel better about yourself soon. You're not the only one to feel like this, but it is possible to work through it all and get better x

nowyouresix

Put an exclamation mark instead of a question mark on your headline, and keep writing it down on a piece of paper.

Good luck.:)

Esoteric_

I can somewhat relate to what you say, OP. I was in a similar situation a few years ago, where I went from one bad relationship to another because I didn't believe I was good enough for the type of person who would treat me the way I now know I deserve.

I can't really give much better advice than beks101, but definitely keep up with the counselling. I went to counselling for other reasons, but my self esteem was worked on for a good portion of the counselling.

My counsellor said something to me that has really stuck with me a lot, and I'd advise anyone feeling rubbish about themselves to think about this - you seem to constantly tell yourself that you're not attractive enough, not nice enough, not sexy enough, etc. Would you tell your best friend that she isn't pretty, isn't nice, isn't sexually attractive? 99.9% of people wouldn't, so why are you beating yourself up so much? If you wouldn't say it to a friend, WHY do you deem it acceptable to say these things to yourself?

The best thing I did was stay single for a year. I didn't plan to stay single for a full year, I just knew I wasn't at a stage where I loved myself enough to enter into a relationship. A man came along after a while, who made me feel valued, loved, attractive and wanted. There were no games, no messing me around, nothing else. The odd time he did or said something I wasn't happy about, I had the confidence to talk to him about it, and it was sorted out. As a result, it was a wonderful relationship and even though it's ended, he's my best friend and has been for a couple of years. I was in a relationship about six months ago that started to go bad (no contact, felt like I was just being used for sex, being cold with me). In the past, when I had no confidence or love for myself, I'd have accepted that and tried to drag it out and make it work. This time, because I knew and genuinely believed I deserved better, I dumped him pretty quickly because I knew that I wouldn't be happy with that kind of treatment.

At the end of the day, OP, nobody can love you while you don't love yourself. Without knowing it, people pick up on the vibes that you give off. If you're feeling vulnerable or self loathing, somebody who is happy to take advantage of that WILL see that in you and exploit it.

Stay out of relationships until you're happy with yourself. You're doing the right things in that you're still going to counselling and you have happy relationships with your friends and family. You have to remember that counselling isn't a quick fix. It takes time, work and dedication. Keep it up, put anything your counsellor says to you into practise at home and eventually, you'll overcome the self esteem issues, realise you ARE a person worthy of love and being treated properly, and you'll grow as a person.