Still missing my angel and her mom

LegacyUser

Long time poster going unreg here.

Many years ago I lost my little girl and her mother. The years have gone by and to this day my heart still breaks when I think of her. I still wince when I see happy babies, school kids laughing around me and now Christmas is coming to break my heart again. I think of all the letters to Santa unwritten, the excitement on Christmas morning that never comes, the gleeful laughter that never once filled our home.

Time has been a healer and I am far stronger than I have been in the past but the constant strain is wearing parts of me down.

She was only a week old and when I close my eyes I can still see her little face, her tiny hands holding my finger, her beautiful big blue eyes. I don't think I'll ever stop seeing her face.

Her mom was a wonderful, beautiful, fiercely intellignet girl. She was an amazing guitar player with a huge passion for music. Everything still sounds muted and dischordant since she went.

Sadly, I've abandoned guitar playing. I've abandoned so many things I loved as they hurt me to recall those old times. I really wish I could find a way to create some music again. I dream of finally learning 'Fade to Black' by Metallica as she was trying to teach me it at the time. I can't even pick the thing up anymore. Happy childhood places look bleak and scary now.

I'm with someone new now, for 10 years and I deeply, deeply love her. I'm proud I'm still standing after all this, and I'm a kind, caring, compassionate guy as best I can. I promised her mom that I would be a good guy, I would do what I love, I would follow my dreams... But I can't. I'm doing OK, but I feel this pressure and guilt over it all the time. I'm not looking to change the world or anything, but I'm not doing things right. The spark has died a little in me and sometimes I see the sadness in my own eyes, I hear the darkness in my laugh even on happy days.

I'm haunted by the 2 most beautiful girls imaginable. The best things in life have become so sad it's hard to smile thinking about them even now.

I had put that little girl through college in my mind after she was born. I wanted so much for her, and I was going to be the best damn dad in the world to her. Even now I see girls around the age she would be and I feel so sad and robbed.

I need to start breaking these barriers down, find those old passions and embrace them. Any opinions or advice would be really appreciated!



Braved the forest, braved the stone,
Braved the icy winds and fire.
Braved and beat them on my own
Yet I'm helpless by the river.

Angel, angel what have I done?
I faced the quakes, the wind, the fire.
I've conquered country,crown, and throne.
Why can't I cross this river?

Ellsbells

I dont have the right words to help so Ill just say Im truly sorry for your loss....

jeni

Thats so awful im so sorry for your loss, no words can express it,

I was thinking you say its a happy memory playing the guitar, why dont you look into lessons and learn the song you started, do it for them, of course it will be hard to start but after a bit it could be your way of ben with them and remembering them in a good way, its hard to be sad when singing

They are always watching over you, they wouldnt want you to be so sad all the time, its ok to be happy, give them something to be proud of, like the song

Big Bag of Chips

You have come through the most horrific time any parent ever has to deal with, and you are still standing at the other side. The fact that you are functioning (at any sort of level) proves that you are stronger than you think yourself.

I have 3 children, and sometimes I can't breath thinking about how I'd manage if anything ever happened one of them. I don't think I would manage.

If you really feel like you'd like to get back to music, as a tribute to your two beautiful girls, try it. Accept that you will be heartbroken. Accept that it will be very difficult, and accept that in the early days you will probably cry more than you actually play. But also accept that there is no time limit. There are no rules as to when you should be able to face something. The things that can be most difficult at the start, with a bit of patience, and a bit of time, can turn into the things that give us most comfort.

I don't think you can ever get over the loss that you've been through - you just learn to live with the pain of it. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Have you been for bereavement couselling?

This board is always here for whenever you need it. Sometimes just writing it down and getting it out of your head can help. It releases some of the build-up.

Take care.

Daisy M

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you have experienced since then.

The only thing I can say is that you should think of what type of life your wife and daughter would have wanted for you after they passed away. I am sure they would want you to be happy and live your life to the full, if the roles were reversed wouldn't you want this for them.

Start with small steps, set your self a challenge that each day if for only a couple of minutes you will think of your wife and baby with only happy thought of the times you had together, with your goal been that eventually you will be able to think of them more and more regularly with out feeling guilt and pain.

I second the bereavement counsellor idea. Sending you my very best wishes.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks for your lovely replies. They gave me a smile and something to think about. I thought I'd clarifiy I'm only 31 now and this was quite a few years ago (in my teens). I wasn't married or anything but I guess that doesn't reallly change anything.

I picked up the guitar on Sunday and it actually really hurt. The smell, the feel of the wood and paint really triggered something so I ended up sitting beside it in tears. It's a weird kind of progress I guess.

I want to get that song down gradually as it would be a great form of release and expression for me. I feel I'm really lacking an outlet for all this.

Yep I've been for councelling and such and it helped massively, but of course there is still a huge void in my life.

I'm hoping that finding some means of self expression will help me with all this as it is still hanging over me in a heavy way. I'd like to maybe post an update as to how I get along with the music, and maybe even some day I'll pop you all a link to the guitar track, as performed by me! It's not about how good I get it I think, it's about the doing of it, and hopefully getting some of these feelings across a little more eloquently!

Tapping girl

So sorry to hear about what you have been going through. Christmas is a tough time, especially if you have lost anyone. I think you need to be very kind to yourself, and to go easy on yourself. Try to do one thing that you really enjoy.

Also, I do think you need to talk to someone. Sometimes, the grief can hit you all over again out of nowhere - so please don't do it alone.

LegacyUser

Loss, so sudden and so close to you is a horrific experience for anyone, does not make a difference how mentally strong you are, it can shatter you. All I can do is applaud you and many others will feel the same when reading this, it takes a lot to get through it and a strong person to do so, fair play to you.

I could write a 1000 words, about loss, grieving etc and throw in a few empowering phrases but I won't. You will never forget them nor will you want to and this is the most difficult part unfortunately it is bitter sweet sadness of the loss and happiness remembering the good times, but I think you should pick up your guitar and play a few tunes, do some stuff that ye used to do, this may sound mad but it's not to remind you that they are gone, but to remind you of the happy times with your partner and little one.

Hope this helps, I wish you all the best.