Brother's rage

LegacyUser

I'm late twenties, male and I've been living at home temporarily for a variety of reasons at the moment. My older brother eats here but lives nearby with some mutual friends of ours. He comes here at dinner time every day and might leave straight away or could stay all evening.

He will inevitably start ranting about something or other. Anything from the Croagh Park agreement to extremely distasteful rants about women, abortion. His housemates. He saw a mixed race couple on TV and that started him off on one. He rants and raves about his job. The Polish people he works with. Social Welfare frauds. Single mothers. People with, shall we say, lower moral standards or behaviours. The government and politics. You name it- he rants about it. He had a stand-up row with a housemate in front of two brothers that had called around for a few drinks while grieving for their father. He woke up other people in the house with his shouting and roaring and he refuses to believe he did anything wrong.

Two common traits always; little or no knowledge or facts and raw hatred. His whole life is friction, hate, bile, misogyny, bigotry. He has no interest in facts- he only wishes to get on his soapbox about either what's in the news or one of his old favourites. He comes through our door here and it takes nothing to get him going. It's seriously bringing me and in many ways, the household down. I've tried to let him just blow himself out but he just keeps going and going. You try to have a civil conversation and it always ends up the same way. He thinks everything he thinks is legitimate and any attempt to argue the facts results in him not being allowed to have an opinion. I've had him threatening me, I've had him screaming in my face trying to bully me into submission and I've had to yell and yell at him to get him to take himself and his toxicity away. I know he'd never hit me but he regularly goes toe-to-toe with me.

My mother won't give him the clip round the ear he needs. She has a this ah-shur-God-love-him/ Catholic mammy thing for too long and tries to talk sense into him but it never works. This all started with substance issues when he was younger that, I think. stalled his development. He's extremely childish and immature. He wants my father's approval/ validation, although he argues with him too. They went to blows a couple of years ago.

I don't really wish to pacify him. He just loves goading us into rows and we're used to this at this stage. I'm not trying to find ways of avoiding his misbehaviour. I just want to know if I can do anything to help him. I know he would never agree to see a counsellor or ANYBODY who might tell him that his world view might be wrong. He rants about people who cause drama but nothing gives him more pleasure than scratching that massive chip on his shoulder and starting off again. It just seems like such a waste of a life to live in such a way and I literally cannot see any way of him changing. What more can I do?

skyfall2012

Did you tell him about boards.ie? He can get a lot of that stuff off his chest and the posters on here will quickly straighten him out on a thing or two. It works for me. I'd imagine he is in a lonely place, not being able to relate to anyone.

tinkerbell

OP, you're an adult. You don't need your mother and father to stand up to him when you can. Next time he comes down and gets in a rage, tell him that unless he shuts the F up, that he needs to leave. Tell him he has ruined a quiet, peaceful evening and that your parents don't need to be listening to this crap and tell him to come back when he has calmed down. Do you have the backing of your father at least? If you have at least one parent, it can work. No doubt these rants are upsetting your mother too but she just won't say it.

Failing that, you'll just have to move out. Or when he comes over, leave the room and don't engage him.

emsie80

id just keep nodding and tell him that 'opinions are like noses, everyone has one'!!! he'll soon get bored. I find with people like that, once they dont get the drama and attention that goes with their toxic attitudes, they soon give up best of luck

tbh

the next time he starts, you say "I'm not listening to more of this" and head to your room / the pub / anywhere.

ManOfMystery

This behaviour is akin to a child having a tantrum. They want to be heard so are loud and noticeable, they want attention focused on them, and they behave in an aggressive, irrational and confrontational manner. And just like a child having a tantrum, the best approach is to ignore them. Don't appease him by listening and agreeing, don't argue, don't get into a row. Simply pretend you're not listening, or leave the room. It's not an easy approach to bite your tongue, but he will get bored eventually when he continues to rant and realises no-one wants to hear it anymore.

If he makes an issue of you not listening, do not allow yourself to be drawn into a row on it - simply tell him calmly you have no interest in those matters, regardless of whatever insults he may throw your way for your perceived lack of interest in things he deems important.

tony81

I used to get really passionate about some of those points you mentioned to the point they made me very angry. In fact, there's a lot about the system in this country that would make people extremely resentful of certain "groups"

The thing is, when you say "little or no knowledge or facts" he probably just has an opposite opinion to you and you can't understand why he's so ignorant.. but he is probably frustrated that you cannot see his things from his point of view.

(I'd also wonder, who is arguing with the guy instead of just changing the subject? Is it you?!)

Also, there's little basis for you saying his substance abuse causes him to behave as he does.

End of the day though, I got away from all that.. listening to doom and gloom on the news. Now I read the headlines on breakingnews.ie and some business/tech stories on linkedin. I cut a lot of people out of my life including know-it-all liberal types who wound me up, and people I associated with only because I knew them too long.

I still get wound up be certain things that get in my face at times.. but I definitely don't look for situations to argue with people, or seek out news programmes or stories that I know will put me in a bad mood.

I think there's a lot of maturity in accepting there's no point in getting yourself bent out of shape for things you cannot change.

LegacyUser

OP here

The latest update in the saga is my brother's ranting, raving and the consequential fighting in his own house has effectively caused people to move out and thus the sudden end to the rent agreement. My brother's rent is paid up to the middle of January but he'd be living in the house on his own. In an utterly baffling move, my parents told him he could move home and he has decided to move home this weekend. I feel sick. I want to leave the house today but it's impossible. I have nowhere to go.

CaraMay

Get up and walk away when he starts - if he doesn't have an audience then he is hardly likely to keep talking is he?

Maybe go and stay in his place til the lease is up?

tinkerbell

OP, you have to stand up for yourself. The next time he starts ranting like a lunatic at you or your mother or your father, stand up for you and your parents. Tell him to STFU and stop disrespecting the kindness and generosity of his parents as they have invited him to move back in and you will not listen to his crap anymore.

Truncheon Rouge

He's craving attention.
I'd straight out tell him this. Next time he fires up his rant engines just calmly tell him he rants to get peoples attention and its not going to work at home anymore, then walk away. Keep it dispassionate, short and factual. Dont call him sad, say its pathetic etc.

Maybe later tell him if he wants attention to earn it through something positive. Maybe say something about him not being irrelevant.

Lorna123

Ignore him, that's the best option. I know it might be difficult but just walk out when he starts. As other posters have said if he doesn't have an audience he won't do it.

mikemac1

dailyrage wrote: »

Anything from the Croagh Park agreement to extremely distasteful rants about women, abortion. His housemates, mixed race couple on TV The Polish people he works with. Social Welfare frauds. Single mothers. People with, shall we say, lower moral standards or behaviours. The government and politics.

Sounds like a typical 24 hours in After Hours :pac:



You won't defeat him with facts OP.
Even if you picked apart every argument you won't change him

Just ignore him, he's looking for attention

Maybe he's trapped in a dead end job and bitter at the world.
Though a dead end job is still better the dole queue.
Did he ever think about going back to college?

Or getting out of here for a year.
Even if he has no skills he can still go labouring for a year somewhere.
Work like a dog, make some money and broaden his mind a bit

Finally tell him to stop listening to Joe Duffy, you'd want to slit your wrists after some shows, misery porn