Was this woman just seeking relationships?

LegacyUser

i am trying to understand if some women are just looking for relationships and settling for whoever fiils that space
i recently went on several dates with a lovely girl but had advised her that due to my job(frequent travel,unsociable hours) that i was not in a position to enter into anything serious with her. She seemed fine with this and i suggested we continue to date without it becoming anything serious. decided to have no contact with her for a few weeks to let this information absorb and keep a bit of distance. So in total 3 weeks past and now she has on her fb changed her status to"in a relationship". cant understand this as she never gave any indication to me that she was seeing another man. I feel that she owes me an explaination for this as i put a lot of work and time and effort into her and explained my situation to her which she seemed fine with. Was she all the time just looking for a relationship and when i would not comply just settle for someone else? She texted me two weeks ago to which i did not reply and am wondering is she doing this now in spite. should I contact her?

LegacyUser

You told her you did not want to go out with her. She owes you nothing. I do not think that anyone would get a boyfriend to spite someone. You explained your situation and she took you at your word. You seem annoyed but you were not in a position to have a girlfriend so you are certainly not in position to demand answers.

LegacyUser

Yeah but i had still invested in her and find it hard to believe she would have time to be spending time with me and also concentrating on someone else. I was very good to her and am hurt that she would go off and find someone else so easily. I had hoped that she would continue to meet me and just enjoy my company without seeking a relationship

ShaShaBear

You mean you were hoping she would be in a relationship with you, while you remained single. Seeing one person and one person only, investing a lot of time and being good to one person. Is that not a relationship?

Sorcha16

So basically you didn't want to commit to her but you didn't want anyone else to either. What was she supposed to do -sacrifice her own needs to sit around waiting for you to change your mind?

I admire her resolve to make things happen for herself

LegacyUser

OP, maybe there was a communication error here, on your side.

Instead of saying "I'm not in a position to enter anything serious with you" (subtext, I'll meet up with you every couple of weeks, whenever suits me, but don't even think that this will constitute us being bf& gf, I won't actually develop any feelings for you, it's just hooking up),
what you should have said- IF this was how you felt, obv- was something more along the lines of "I'm really interested in you and I would like to persue a romantic relationship, but my time is severely constrained so I just can't see you that often. But this doesn't mean that I don't want to be with you".

However, if you genuinely meant that you didn't want/couldn't enter "anything serious", and on top of that you failed to reply to a simple text a few weeks ago, then you have absolutely no grounds to be hurt or offended. In that case, this new guy is offering something you never could/would have- a relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

Yes - possibly she wanted a relationship. She is not wrong. You didn't want a relationship. I don't see why you are saying you invested time with her - you hung out together, but you didn't want her to be your gf. You even stopped contacting her "to let it sink in"? And then you are annoyed because she doesn't sit around waiting for you.

You didn't want to be in a relationship... That is your choice. But you can't be mad at her for deciding she did want to be in one. She doesn't have to "ok" it with you first - you weren't her boyfriend after all.

Czarcasm

henry007 wrote: »

Yeah but i had still invested in her and find it hard to believe she would have time to be spending time with me and also concentrating on someone else. I was very good to her and am hurt that she would go off and find someone else so easily. I had hoped that she would continue to meet me and just enjoy my company without seeking a relationship

You tell this girl you have no interest in a relationship, then fob her off for three weeks and when she contacts you, you don't even take time out of your busy schedule to give her two minutes of your time to reply to her... and that's your idea of "investing a lot of your time in her"?


Come on now OP, you're hardly that surprised that she would have seen she could be wasting HER time chasing after you and decided you weren't worth it and moved on. It has been three weeks, I can't imagine she spent all that time locked up in her bedroom crying over you.


In fact, tbh I'm quite frankly bowled over by your sense of self importance!

Stavro Mueller

The mind boggles. So what if you feel you "invested" in this. As far as this girl's concerned, nothing serious was ever going to materialise from the dates ye had and she was wasting her time by continuing to see you. Then you cut contact. In your world it meant a cooling off period. In hers, it probably meant a snub.

You're jumping to an awful lot of conclusions here too. You can't know for sure that she was actually OK with dating casually. She might've said it to avoid showing you she was hurt/disappointed. Perhaps the new guy is someone she has known for a while. Maybe they're in the middle of a whirlwind romance. Who knows? More importantly, it is absolutely none of your business. You have no claim over her and she doesn't have to tell you anything.

beks101

Just an FYI for the next girl you find yourself dating: if you don't bother contacting someone for a few weeks and ignore them when they reach out to you, that's interpreted as disinterest and rejection to the vast majority of women.

No self-respecting woman will sit at home waiting for you to get in touch when the signs are pretty blatant that you're just not that aRsed one way or another.

I think your plan may have backfired a little.

LegacyUser

I feel I may not be coming across in the best light here
Imagine you meet someone that you had a great connection with
something that is very rare these days
Imagine there was a barrier to you being with that person
I explained this to her
She seemed fine
I am annoyed that she did not turn around and say to me
"actually no that is not good enough" or at the very least
let me know that someone else was interested in her
What I am trying to say is I feel her need to be someones girlfriend
was stronger than wanting to be with me
I was wrong not to reply to her text but at the time I felt it was
the right thing to do as to not get into that bf zone
I just feel like she should have told me

Big Bag of Chips

Look at it from her point of view - how was she supposed to tell you? You told her you didn't want to get into a serious relationship, then disappeared for 3 weeks with no contact and didn't even reply to her text. What makes you think she should/would want to contact you again?

You didn't explain yourself to her very well and that is why she moved on. Regardless of the "connection" you feel you had, if she was getting nothing back from you she would have felt that she imagined the connection and just moved on. She's not a mind reader - 3 weeks is a long time to let something "sink in" if you haven't told the person why you are not going to contact them.

You got this one wrong.

Learn from it and do things differently next time round.

Edit: You seem to have very little respect for this woman - even your repeated use of the word "settled" when talking about her being in a relationship with anyone other than you. You don't know she 'settled'. Maybe she didn't want a full time relationship at the time she was seeing you. But then that ended (as far as she was concerned) and possibly someone came along and swept her off her feet, more than you ever could. She wasn't 'going out' with you, so didn't have to 'break up' with you as such. You effectively dumped her. She owed you nothing.

MissFlitworth

Coming from 99% of people "I don't want anything serious" followed by 3 weeks of silence = "I'm not interested". Expecting her to get in touch to say she's met someone else is ridiculous

Sorcha16

henry007 wrote: »

I feel I may not be coming across in the best light here
Imagine you meet someone that you had a great connection with
something that is very rare these days
Imagine there was a barrier to you being with that person
I explained this to her
She seemed fine
I am annoyed that she did not turn around and say to me
"actually no that is not good enough" or at the very least
let me know that someone else was interested in her
What I am trying to say is I feel her need to be someones girlfriend
was stronger than wanting to be with me
I was wrong not to reply to her text but at the time I felt it was
the right thing to do as to not get into that bf zone
I just feel like she should have told me

You. You. You.

Thank goodness this girl had the foresight to look out for herself because you certainly don't seem interested in considering her feelings at all

LegacyUser

Omg, OP, this needs to be explained, again.
If you tell a girl you don't want anything serious, don't have ANY contact (?even a phonecall for a chat) with her for 3 weeks, say you don't want to be her boyfriend..... then she will interpret this the way any human being, male or female would- as rejection.
Most certainly not "a connection".
Anyone would understand a hectic work life, however completely ignoring someone for 3 whole weeks, without the a single text or phonecall, in a relationship of any kind- even a casual dating one- is tantamount to emotional abuse.
For all she knew, this complete lack of contact was your way of chickening out of any further meetings.
As for the guy she's now in a relationship with, who's to say it didn't start within the last 3 weeks? Maybe he- or even she- is one of those people who likes what they see in a person, bites the bullet, and gets on with it!

Czarcasm

Henry you can try and rationalize it any way you want, but the simple fact of the matter is that neither of you were committed to each other, so why you feel she owes you anything after you didn't even have the courtesy to reply with even so much as a simple text, is beyond me!

She could have decided then that you weren't worth HER time and she decided to move on, met someone else, and had a better connection with him than you thought you had with her. So while she was fine in the meantime with the fact that you couldn't commit to her, maybe when she met this guy who actually could commit to her, she decided she was better off with him than waiting around at your beck and call when YOU felt like giving her your time. You laid out your terms, she decided she could do better, and you came out the losing end of it.

My best suggestion would be that you learn from this experience and move on, and the next time you feel that connection with a girl, don't play juvenile mind games, be a mature adult about it, and try not to do her thinking for her by "giving her time to absorb" the fact that you have no time for her, only when it suits you apparently.

Degringola

Words fail me here. Really.

beks101

henry007 wrote: »

I feel I may not be coming across in the best light here
Imagine you meet someone that you had a great connection with
something that is very rare these days
Imagine there was a barrier to you being with that person
I explained this to her
She seemed fine
I am annoyed that she did not turn around and say to me
"actually no that is not good enough" or at the very least
let me know that someone else was interested in her
What I am trying to say is I feel her need to be someones girlfriend
was stronger than wanting to be with me
I was wrong not to reply to her text but at the time I felt it was
the right thing to do as to not get into that bf zone
I just feel like she should have told me

Maybe she found an equally strong connection with this new guy? Maybe it wasn't really there for her in the first place, maybe she lost interest when she discovered that you both wanted different things, maybe she assumed the silence from your end meant it had fizzled out (natural assumption), maybe maybe maybe.

Just because you felt that you clicked really well, doesn't mean that she was on the same page and the fact is that you abandoned the situation for so long that she clearly gave up on you. Welcome to the world of dating, if you sit around and don't make any effort, people will move on.

LegacyUser

Ok I understand where everyone is coming from and
thanks for the advice
just from past experience when I have explained the situation
to someone they normally are happy to date on a casual basis and
it seems to go in one ear and out the other as regards
not being their bf. they think they can change that
I know I should have replied to her but my intention was to
leave it another week and contact her then
I would have liked to have spent time with her and think that
she rushed into this relationship because I never texted her back

Stavro Mueller

So in other words your nose is out of joint because she took you at your word and didn't hang around like these other women. The poor deluded ones who thought they could change you. You know, I'm very happy this girl saw the light and moved on. Just as you're entitled to casually date, she's equally entitled not to waste her time on someone like you.

SheFiend

OP, it sounds like you don't know what you want. You seem to want a girlfriend, but you don't want to be her boyfriend. You want her to be faithful to you but you won't commit to her.

I say this in the nicest possible way: Get your own thoughts in order instead of playing games with people. If this is really the arrangement you are after then prepare yourself for the likelihood you will not get any long term success. The naive girls that do fall for it will eventually realise you are stringing them along and will leave.

In general, people do not want to be used.

LegacyUser

I am coming across as a bad guy in this
I get it
I did care about her
We knew each other very well for about a year before anything
happened with us
Just thought she would have more understanding for my situation
I was wrong not to contact her or reply to her
I did do an awful lot for her and find it hard to
believe that all the good deeds were cancelled out
by not contacting her etc

LegacyUser

henry007 wrote: »

Ok I understand where everyone is coming from and
thanks for the advice
just from past experience when I have explained the situation
to someone they normally are happy to date on a casual basis and
it seems to go in one ear and out the other as regards
not being their bf. they think they can change that
I know I should have replied to her but my intention was to
leave it another week and contact her then
I would have liked to have spent time with her and think that
she rushed into this relationship because I never texted her back

OP it really is all you, you, you. This girl wanted more than a casual relationship. She wanted someone who cared about her enough that he would commit to her (regardless of the obstacles in the way). Knowing you weren't going to commit she did exactly as you did with these other women, keeping you around casually and enjoying your company until someone better came along who could give her the commitment she wanted. He did come along and now she's in a relationship with him. He valued her enough to commit to her, you didn't. Simple.

It's incredibly selfish of you to have expected her to "spend time" with you and thus settle for a man who didn't want to commit. You've got it all wrong OP, she's not settling for him - had she stayed with you when you didn't care enough about her to want more than a casual relationship, that would be settling.

It doesn't sound like you really cared for her at all , you just expected her to chase after you like all those other women and now your ego's bruised because she didn't. Fair play to her, she obviously knows her worth and is now all loved up with a new man who cares for her, is commited to her and treats her right. That's not settling.

Leave her alone she owes you nothing, she simply found someone better. Just learn from this an move on OP.

Ellsbells

Id say she was dating a few people and maybe you were 'in the lead' but when you werent interested she gave it a go with another guy.

Sittingpretty

henry007 wrote: »

I am coming across as a bad guy in this
I get it
I did care about her
We knew each other very well for about a year before anything
happened with us
Just thought she would have more understanding for my situation
I was wrong not to contact her or reply to her
I did do an awful lot for her and find it hard to
believe that all the good deeds were cancelled out
by not contacting her etc

What "good deeds" did you do that you feel warranted her loyalty?

Taltos

Degringola wrote: »

Words fail me here. Really.

Hi Degringola

per our charter "Any advice given should be mature, constructive and non-abusive. Opinions are welcome. Ridicule and nastiness are not."

If you don't have any constructive advice then posters are asked not to post.

Thanks
Taltos

Stavro Mueller

Good deeds? Sounds like you feel she should be under a compliment to you. It doesn't work like that.

No, your good deeds were not cancelled out by not contacting her. It probably just sealed the deal. My guess is that when she found out nothing serious would ever come of what ye had together, she started looking elsewhere. Or at least she became more open to the idea of seeing someone else.

To repeat again, she owes you nothing. Just because other women were happy enough to accept things on your terms does not mean she should too. You've been played at your own game here. You probably think what you were offering was wonderful (because it suits you) but not everyone wants to settle for crumbs from the table.

ash23

henry007 wrote: »

find it hard to
believe that all the good deeds were cancelled out
by not contacting her etc

Um, believe it! Any woman with half a brain and any sort of experience in the dating field will take the "I don't want a relationship" line, followed by a week of silence, followed by you ignoring a text for another couple of weeks, as a BIG sign that you are not interested.

You need to appreciate the fact that showing your interest to a person is important. And yes, no matter what a person does prior, 3 weeks of no contact is pretty much going to obliterate any sort of hope the other person has of maintaining a relationship.

I'm actually delighted for her that she moved on rather than wasting her time with someone who plays such headwrecking games. Too often we see posts from people who are all "why is he ignoring me?". In this case, she empowered herself and moved onto something and (hopefully) someone better and I applaud her for knowing what she wants and getting it.

RossFixxxed

I can't believe it had to be explained to you so many times OP. You are in the wrong. I'm not interested in a relationship, cut contact... That's about as clear cut as things can be. She's not there to dance to your tune. She has her own wants, needs, feelings etc... Do you acutally understand that? That other people are as important as you? Do you realise that she could have been confused and hurt by your actions? You think she should have told you after, but YOU IGNORED HER FIRST. The things you are accusing her of were all things YOU did yourself.

My mind is blown here. The power of delusion is remarkable. You need to take a look at your actions, and try not to make the same mistakes again.

Settle for someone else? Someone who has time for her and doesn't blank her? She's probably upgraded to a far better man if your posts are anything to go by. Your scale of 'good deeds cancelled out' is not just naive it's actually a bit weird.

Big Bag of Chips

Look OP, the end story of this is your ego got bruised. You have just found out that you're not really 'all that'. You say you knew her for about a year and got along really well, thought she'd be more understanding/treat you with a bit more consideration etc.

She knew you for a year too, and probably thought you'd treat her with a bit more consideration than disappearing for 3 weeks with no contact, after telling her that you don't want a relationship.

It doesn't matter how long you knew each other. How well you thought you got on. How many 'good deeds' you think you did for her, at the end of the day you messed up. In her eyes you blanked her. Disappeared without a trace, couldn't even reply to a simple text.

You messed up here. You need to accept that and realise that this is your doing, and nothing to do with her rushing into something else, because you weren't available. As another person rightly pointed out - if she hung around, going on the odd date with you and not really knowing where it was going... then she would have been settling! If you didn't want to date her, and in the meantime she found someone she felt a real connection with and wanted to date them, she would still be well within her rights to end your 'casual' agreement, and hook up with him. She wouldn't even have to tell you about it, seeing as you weren't 'official' - she could just not be available to you anymore.. that's just what happened!

Many people want to be in a relationship. Some don't. If you don't want to be in a relationship you shouldn't go on repeated dates with one girl. What you need to find is a friends-with-benefits situation. But just be aware that if you have this, the other person is free to see others if they so wish.

You can't 'date' someone indefinitely and not want to be in a relationship with them. It generally doesn't work like that.

Edit: Did you want her to be 'exclusive' with you, but not be in a relationship? She is free at any time she likes to end your agreement, of not being in a relationship, and start a relationship with someone else if she likes them enough.. that's just what she did. Even if you had been going out officially, if she met someone she liked more than she liked you she could still end it with you and start with him. The only difference in that scenario is she would have to break up with you first.

But because you weren't actually going out - she didn't have to break up with you.

P. Breathnach

Henry, look at at this way: she did what she did, and you were surprised and you seem to feel betrayed; you have told us about it, and there is a strong consensus that she was perfectly within her rights, and that you had given her enough reason to disregard you in forming a relationship with another person.

You asked a question: was she just seeking relationships? We can't know for sure, but I think that we can judge that she wasn't seeking the deal you were offering, and so she moved on. I am at a loss to understand why you find that difficult to accept.

If and when you meet the woman of your dreams I think it unlikely that you will use the demands of your job as an excuse or reason to set limits on your relationship. I guess this woman wasn't that person.

beks101

henry007 wrote: »

I did do an awful lot for her and find it hard to
believe that all the good deeds were cancelled out
by not contacting her etc

Let me put it to you like this.

The dating scene is riddled with time wasters, a5sholes, commitmentphobes, guys who don't have the balls to do the honourable thing and end things respectfully when the situation calls for it.

I've dated more guys than I can count who I've had a fabulous connection with, that elusive chemistry, who have promised me the world & then vanished off the radar a few dates later. Most single ladies will have experience of this, so you learn to spot the warning signs.

The nature of the relationship is irrelevant; any "good deeds" become null and void. This is a respect thing. If you like someone and hope to see them again, cutting them out for several weeks and ignoring their texts is a surefire way of ensuring that never happens. Your message is loud and clear and they will move on.

If they don't, they have self esteem issues. Is that what you want? Do you get a kick out of all these women chasing you and "wanting more" every time you tell them it's strictly casual?

If that's the case then you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

ManOfMystery

OP,

You wanted a casual relationship. You made this clear from day one. You are well within your rights to do this.

You then decided (for no good reason, from what I can ascertain) to ignore her for a while. Again, you are within your rights to do this, no matter how puzzling it may seem to some of us.

What you are NOT within your rights to do is then judge this girl because she didn't behave in the manner that you expected her to. You never built any long term relationship with her, thus she does not owe you any explanation. Your communication with her is poor, there's little chance of a long term deep or fulfilling relationship with you, and you seem to think that all her actions revolve around you (going out with someone to 'spite you? really?). In short, I'm not surprised at all that she may have met someone else who offers her a lot more and has now embarked on a relationship with them.

You need to understand that a woman's life will not revolve around you the moment you enter it, particularly if you can offer them very little commitment and very little of your time. This whole thing has been about feeding your ego, and hopefully the responses on here will be a bit of a wake-up call for you in terms of accepting that the world does not spin around you.

LittleBook

henry007 wrote: »

Was she all the time just looking for a relationship and when i would not comply just settle for someone else? She texted me two weeks ago to which i did not reply and am wondering is she doing this now in spite.

henry007 wrote: »

I feel her need to be someones girlfriend was stronger than wanting to be with me

henry007 wrote: »

I think that she rushed into this relationship because I never texted her back

OR maybe, just maybe, she simply met someone she likes better than you.

It's not all about you and it's really none of your business.

curlzy

OP, Your self-absorption seems to be bordering on sociopathic. The fact that you seem unable to understand/accept that this woman has just as many rights as you and deserves some respect is very very worrying. I would suggest you get into some kind of counselling. Perhaps your English isn't very good and we're picking you up wrong but you seem creepy in the extreme, that won't lead anywhere good. I honestly suggest you seek help with understanding how to treat people.

ElleEm

I agree with the other posters, OP.

You couldn't/ didn't want to offer this girl anything. You only wanted to see her/ speak with her when you wanted. Even the way you were playing games with the "I didn't reply to her text to let it sink in". It all sounds a bit too crazy to me. You seem so caught up in your own little world that you seem to be struggling to see things from her/ anyone else's point of view.

Forever Hopeful

henry007 wrote: »

l but had advised her that due to my job(frequent travel,unsociable hours) that i was not in a position to enter into anything serious with her. She seemed fine with this and i suggested we continue to date without it becoming anything serious. decided to have no contact with her for a few weeks to let this information absorb and keep a bit of distance. So in total 3 weeks past and now she has on her fb changed her status to"in a relationship". cant understand this as she never gave any indication to me that she was seeing another man. I feel that she owes me an explaination for this as i put a lot of work and time and effort into her and explained my situation to her which she seemed fine with. Was she all the time just looking for a relationship and when i would not comply just settle for someone else? She texted me two weeks ago to which i did not reply and am wondering is she doing this now in spite. should I contact her?

Op, this reads to me like standard issue with you. Words like 'work' & 'effort' aren't part of the equation when you are into someone. That's why it sounds like a conquest for you. Meet someone you like, perhaps turn on the charm, throw cash at the situation, drop the 'I can't give you what you want but I'm here for a no strings attached fling'. You disappear knowing that in the past that heightened a girl's interest and worse ignore any further contact to try and reel her in. Why else would you even do that? Completely baffling.

henry007 wrote: »

Yeah but i had still invested in her and find it hard to believe she would have time to be spending time with me and also concentrating on someone else. I was very good to her and am hurt that she would go off and find someone else so easily. I had hoped that she would continue to meet me and just enjoy my company without seeking a relationship

So you have deemed her worthy of all your time, work, effort? Doesn't she know what she could have with you? As another poster wrote, reign in that ego lad. Its not attractive.

henry007 wrote: »

Ok I understand where everyone is coming from and
thanks for the advice
just from past experience when I have explained the situation
to someone they normally are happy to date on a casual basis and
it seems to go in one ear and out the other as regards
not being their bf. they think they can change that
I know I should have replied to her but my intention was to
leave it another week and contact her then
I would have liked to have spent time with her and think that
she rushed into this relationship because I never texted her back

The bit about past experience tells me, this is standard issue with you and worked for you in the past. Leaving it another week to text her back is game playing. Maybe, just maybe, she met someone else who she liked a helluva lot more than you.
Someone posted earlier, if you really care about someone, you'll move heaven and earth to be with them. You seem to have a problem with commitment. Talk to someone professional before embarking on anymore adventures. Girls have very little patience with this.

Plus stop thinking because you do good deeds for a girl means you are owed something. Doesn't work that way.
Good luck

wicklass

Op, you come across as quite controlling- the relationship had to be on your terms, without any regard for what she might want or need. I agreed with previous posters who mention your ego- that you think she is "settling" as you think no one is as good as you?
I think she would have been settling by maintaining something with you- you who was only going to give her time and affection when it suited you.

mood

henry007 wrote: »

i am trying to understand if some women are just looking for relationships and settling for whoever fiils that space
i recently went on several dates with a lovely girl but had advised her that due to my job(frequent travel,unsociable hours) that i was not in a position to enter into anything serious with her. She seemed fine with this and i suggested we continue to date without it becoming anything serious. decided to have no contact with her for a few weeks to let this information absorb and keep a bit of distance. So in total 3 weeks past and now she has on her fb changed her status to"in a relationship". cant understand this as she never gave any indication to me that she was seeing another man. I feel that she owes me an explaination for this as i put a lot of work and time and effort into her and explained my situation to her which she seemed fine with. Was she all the time just looking for a relationship and when i would not comply just settle for someone else? She texted me two weeks ago to which i did not reply and am wondering is she doing this now in spite. should I contact her?

Most likely after she knew you were not into a relationship with her she meet someone else. Her liking someone more that you and it not 'settling'. She was perfectly entitled to do this as she was single and not in a relationship with you. I don't see how you can be annoyed when you told her there was no possibility of a relationship and you didn't contact her for weeks! Surely if you really liked her you would have had a relationship with her. I think you just wanted her there for convenience but wanted you freedom as well.

mood

henry007 wrote: »

I feel I may not be coming across in the best light here
Imagine you meet someone that you had a great connection with
something that is very rare these days
Imagine there was a barrier to you being with that person
I explained this to her
She seemed fine
I am annoyed that she did not turn around and say to me
"actually no that is not good enough" or at the very least
let me know that someone else was interested in her
What I am trying to say is I feel her need to be someones girlfriend
was stronger than wanting to be with me
I was wrong not to reply to her text but at the time I felt it was
the right thing to do as to not get into that bf zone
I just feel like she should have told me

So your annoyed she didn't start crying and beg you etc! Maybe you didn't mean as much to her as you assumed. And that shouldn't bother you because you obviously didn't care about her.

mood

henry007 wrote: »

Ok I understand where everyone is coming from and
thanks for the advice
just from past experience when I have explained the situation
to someone they normally are happy to date on a casual basis and
it seems to go in one ear and out the other as regards
not being their bf. they think they can change that
I know I should have replied to her but my intention was to
leave it another week and contact her then
I would have liked to have spent time with her and think that
she rushed into this relationship because I never texted her back

So you are annoyed because she believed what you said???

Just because she is in a relationship now doesn't mean she rushed into it or it settling. this guy could be someone she know for ages, he could be and ex or he could be a guy who she fell head over heals for. You can't seem to accept that she could have more feeling for her boyfriend than for you. Why? Honestly, do you think you as that great that she could never like or fall for a guy more than she did for you? If that is what you think you are wrong IMO.

mood

henry007 wrote: »

I am coming across as a bad guy in this
I get it
I did care about her
We knew each other very well for about a year before anything
happened with us
Just thought she would have more understanding for my situation
I was wrong not to contact her or reply to her
I did do an awful lot for her and find it hard to
believe that all the good deeds were cancelled out
by not contacting her etc

But plenty of people are capable of having relationships despite their job (travel, shift work etc). The bottom line is if you honestly cared about her and wanted to be with her you could have tried but you choose not to. The fact that she meet someone else is none of you business. i believe her boyfriend is someone she likes, fancies and has more feeling for than she does for you. the fact that he is willing to commit is a bonus. This is not settling. You really need to get some perspective.

LegacyUser

I will admit that I do have issues regarding my ego and find it hard to relate to others
I can see how it would look like she was within her rights to start a relationship with
someone else
Just down that she did not try have a little patience but I can see now that
holding back from texting her would have made her disheartened and struck me off
At the time that was not where i was going with it nor was that my intention
I have deliberated over whether to contact her but going by the posts received I
think perhaps I should leave it

mood

henry007 wrote: »

I will admit that I do have issues regarding my ego and find it hard to relate to others
I can see how it would look like she was within her rights to start a relationship with
someone else
Just down that she did not try have a little patience but I can see now that
holding back from texting her would have made her disheartened and struck me off
At the time that was not where i was going with it nor was that my intention
I have deliberated over whether to contact her but going by the posts received I
think perhaps I should leave it

OP it does not look like she was within her rights. SHE WAS WITHIN HER RIGHTS.

You not seem to be suggesting that you lead her to believe that there was a possibility of a relationship in the future if she has a 'little patience'. Is this true? If so why did you initially say you told her there would be no relationship?

You seem to expect this woman to have read your mind. You played games and are not happy things have not gone to plan.

Please don't contact her. She deserves to be happy with someone who cares for her and who will commit. That is not you.

Sorcha16

henry007 wrote: »

I can see how it would look like she was within her rights to start a relationship with someone else. Just down that she did not try have a little patience
At the time that was not where i was going with it nor was that my intention
I have deliberated over whether to contact her but going by the posts received I
think perhaps I should leave it

She didn't have patience with you because you gave her no reason to, in fact you gave her nothing at all so what on earth makes you think you deserve anything in return? Frankly, your inflated sense of self-importance is astounding. You don't care about this girl at all, all you care about is restoring your wounded ego -do her a favour and leave her alone!

Meauldsegosha

henry007 wrote: »

I will admit that I do have issues regarding my ego and find it hard to relate to others
I can see how it would look like she was within her rights to start a relationship with
someone else
Just down that she did not try have a little patience but I can see now that
holding back from texting her would have made her disheartened and struck me off
At the time that was not where i was going with it nor was that my intention
I have deliberated over whether to contact her but going by the posts received I
think perhaps I should leave it

I have been following this thread, haven't posted because I didn't have anything to add but the arrogance in this post is unbelievable.

"I can see how it would look like she was within her rights to start a relationship with
someone else". She was within her rights to start a relationship with whoever she wished.

"Just down that she did not try have a little patience" Again you make it about you and try to make her out to be in the wrong. She hasn't done anything wrong.

Don't contact her and take a step back and look at your own behaviour.

LegacyUser

henry007 wrote: »

I will admit that I do have issues regarding my ego and find it hard to relate to others
I can see how it would look like she was within her rights to start a relationship with
someone else
Just down that she did not try have a little patience but I can see now that
holding back from texting her would have made her disheartened and struck me off
At the time that was not where i was going with it nor was that my intention
I have deliberated over whether to contact her but going by the posts received I
think perhaps I should leave it

OP you seem determined to keep fueling your ego by trying to rationalize her not wanting to be with you as something that you "accidentally" caused, that had you texted her she'd still be with you. Or else that she had some flaw within her ("impatience" as you put it) that led her to hook up with someone other than you ... Sorry to burst your bubble but she chose someone else, she found someone who could give her something that you couldn't, someone who in her eyes is better than you. Accept that.

OP i'd wager the only reason you want to contact her is a desperate attempt to repair that ego which is so dented... If you get back in contact with her she's bound to come running back because you are so much better than her new boyfriend and she really wants you, he's just second prize right? .... Wrong OP.

Contacting her now will just make you look desperate. Do it by all means if that's what it will take for you to accept the situation, but believe me OP it sounds like this girl has her head screwed on and trust me she will not come running back just because you get back in contact. She has found someone better. She is happy. She is not settling. Deal with it.

If you insist on playing games with people eventually you lose. You lost OP. And the other guy and her are smiling all the way to the finish line. Thus is life. Move on.

Stavro Mueller

henry007 wrote: »

Just down that she did not try have a little patience but I can see now that
holding back from texting her would have made her disheartened and struck me off

Err....didn't that happen when you told her you didn't want a relationship but a more casual arrangement You keep going back to the not texting thing but you're ignoring the elephant in the room. You told the girl you didn't want anything more than a casual thing with her. Which translates as "I don't like you enough to want to go out with you".

I'm not sure what planet you live on that you think that if you'd texted after this, that she'd have been happy to go along with your wishes. It now looks like this girl wanted a proper relationship, not to be picked up and dropped at someone else's whim. Neither of you were on the same page when it came to what you wanted, it would appear. You've got to respect this. If you just want to date casually, that's your entitlement. Equally this girl is entitled to go out with someone who is willing to give her what she wants - a relationship.

I've no idea what you think contacting her will achieve. This horse has bolted and it ain't coming back.

Taltos

After 4 pages of pretty unanimous advice we are closing this thread. OP we trust your initial question has been answered at this stage.

Taltos