Brother-in-Law Issues

LegacyUser

Like the title suggests my younger sister's husband and I don't get along. I've gone out of my way to be civil to him but he is really loud and obnoxious person that feeds off other peoples weaknesses and I really cannot stand that trait in a human being. Why is my sister with him? Well she has always been a very self-centred person and she seems totally oblivious to his character traits, but as long as he makes her happy then that's the main thing I suppose.

Anyway, we spent Christmas of 2010 together in my parents house in Wicklow and it was a Christmas that I'd really like to forget. They went away last Christmas and it was absolute bliss in comparison but after taking with my mother yesterday I heard that they were coming up for Christmas this year.

The thing that annoys me is that I've had a really tough year this year, like alot of people, and I was really looking forward to Christmas, but not anymore.

Does anyone else have an in law that they wished lived on the other side of the world and if so how do they deal with them?

edellc

Oh I dont have inlaws I have actual family that I wish that of...buts thats another story OP

Back to you, Im asking this but you dont need to answer it to me on line...but are you a male...as if you are your sisters brother then I think that maybe he is trying to assert his authority over you, as in being the dominant male kinda thing. If you are male then you and your father have been the main men in your sisters life and he can never compete or show this disrespect to your dad he can however do this to you.

If however you are a female then it comes across as maybe he is trying to show what an alpha male he is and how lucky a lady your sister is to have caught such a catch and be the dominant male within the household

Either way he sounds like a d*ck and I like you am not too keen on such characteristics either, unfortunatley its your parents house and you cant tell them who to invite and who not to....you can only take responsibility for you and your actions...

So with that being said you can either let this guy push you out of your family or you can choose to not engage with him at all...when he speaks to you a yes/no answer only...dont engage with his story telling and look disinterested in whatever it is he is saying...these people like attention and are obsessed with themselves so dont rise to it and dont give him the attention he craves

other than that the only other option is for you to spend christmas elsewhere, which I believe you dont want so dont let him win..take back your family OP

and have a happy and hopefully quieter one..with lots of painkillers for the head as these people tend to project a lot also as if we are all deaf


meant to also say practice your sarcastic tone and that condescending look also but its just to be used on him and not to be in view of the family that way if he moans to your sister and she says anything...then play the scorned innocent sibling...

jdsk2006

Hi Op
Can you spend christmas elsewhere? If at all possible, thats what I advise you do. In-laws or indeed any family members who cause you as much aggravation as you describe then best option is to minimise your exposure to that person........

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies

If you don't mind I'd prefer not to disclose my gender as I feel it will sway peoples opinions and I'd rather have unbiased and impartial advice if that's okay?

I'd also never tell my parents who they can and can't have in their house as it's obviously not my place to raise such issues and I have much more respect for them then that.

The thing is that I try to avoid this individual as much as possible because he drains me both mentally and emotionally when ever I'm around him. I really tried to get on with him at first but he crossed the line with me too many times and from then on I took the stance to have as minimal contact with him as possible. It's actually harder then it sounds but I try not to be in the same room with him for too long, especially if he's been drinking or has an "audience".

The thing about Christmas is that I live alone in an apartment in Dublin so I really look forward to spending time with my parents but their bungalow is tiny so when my sister and her husband are there it's very cramped and of course they literally try to take over my parents home which is unfair on everybody else.

I also I can't go anywhere else at Christmas as all of my friends will either be away or with their families spread out all over the country, but I really don't think I should be forced to go else where. I'd prefer to stand my ground even though it's making me depressed just thinking about it.

As selfish as it might sound, all I wanted was a nice peaceful Christmas with my family this year. Oh well, I guess you cannot choice your in-laws.

tinkerbell

OP, can you talk to your sister or your parents? Even just to request that he is civil to you and doesn't act like an ahole all day? Other that that, you have two options - don't engage with him as another poster said, don't be interested in anything he says, if he makes smart comments to you, have a smart answer back to put him back in his place, etc. Do you have a partner who will be accompanying you for christmas or are you by yourself? If things get bad over christmas and he's acting like a twat, you should just confront him aand say that you don't appreciate his comments and if he intends spending christmas in your family home, then he should at least act respectful towards you. People like him thrive on people staying quiet over things but when confronted, they cave in.

username123

My sister in law is a horrible smart alecy mouth of an individual and I am forced to have christmas dinner with her every year. I just ignore her and eat my turkey and request another glass of wine!

Sleepy

Nope, OP, you've no choice whatsoever regarding your family. Sad reality of life for many.

Why not just stay put in your own place and visit the parents for a few days once the BIL has gone?

"Standing your ground" in this instance is cutting your nose off to spite your face tbh.

Ellsbells

why not go abroad visiting friends for xmas? Its a great experience to be away for xmas at least once.

LegacyUser

My parents are fully aware of how I feel but they are obviously not in a position where they can take sides, or nor should they, not that I'd ever expect them too in the first place. I would also never burden my parents any further by complaining about my predicament or look for sympathy in regards to my situation.

My mother actually seems to like the husband, simply because he makes my sister happy, but my father is far more wary of him and actually told me to just ignore him if he starts any of his antics over the Christmas period. He usually keeps his cards close to his chest about most things but I can tell that he's not a massive fan of the husband but he carries on regardless just to play happy families and keep everybody sweet.

The thought of not going did cross my mind more then once but they are coming up on the 23rd and leaving on the 27th so that's pretty much the whole of Christmas and there is no way I can spend that on my own as it would be absolutely soul destroying. I also don't have the money to go abroad for Christmas this year as most of my friends are either in Canada or Australia, but it would definitely be something that I would strongly consider in the future.

Another thing is that myself and my parents have been invited down to their house for New Years. I told them from the start that I have other plans and won't be going so if I miss both occasions back to back then it might cause friction between myself and my sister.

I have never actually talked to my sister about how I feel, and I doubt that I ever would, as I really couldn't see a positive outcome and in all honesty it would probably cause a rift between us. I'm sure that she knows how I feel though, she simply has too at this stage, but she just seems to be content to sweep it under the carpet at the expense of other peoples feelings.

username123

Why dont you go to your parents for just christmas day, then go off and do your own thing for a couple of days and go back down to them on the evening of the 27th for 2 or 3 nights? That way you can minimize time with the eejit, and maximise it with your parents.

I cant really see the point in addressing the issue to your sister tbh. If you were going to address it to anyone then address it to the person in question. But it is your sisters husband so if you address it to either of them, she will support her spouse.

I mean, if its a case that he is being a mouth then simply calmly ask him why he is shouting at you, why he said that, perhaps things would be more enjoyable for everyone if he toned down the loud obnoxious behaviour etc?

LegacyUser

I think I'll take the advice that I was given here and spend as little time around him as possible. I don't drive so I'll get the train down on the 24th (as late as possible) then make my excuses and leave on the 26th (as early as possible).

By the way he never shouts at me he just tries to put me down at every given opportunity and use me in the butt of his jokes. He always finishes by saying "Ah I'm only joking" or "I'm only having the craic" when he's obviously revelling in it.

He also tries to dictate to me how I should be living my life and questions the reasons behind why I'm not a home-owner, why I'm unmarried, why I have no children etc, etc. He has no business asking anybody personal questions like that let alone somebody that he should be really trying his best to get along with for his sake and mine.

Words cannot describe what an annoying and self-absorbed prat this guy is but I'm still not sure if I should confront him if he starts again over Christmas. Granted it could put him in his place but it could also create real animosity between us and that wouldn't be fair on my parents.

Ellsbells

OriginalPoster wrote: »

I think I'll take the advice that I was given here and spend as little time around him as possible. I don't drive so I'll get the train down on the 24th (as late as possible) then make my excuses and leave on the 26th (as early as possible).

By the way he never shouts at me he just tries to put me down at every given opportunity and use me in the butt of his jokes. He always finishes by saying "Ah I'm only joking" or "I'm only having the craic" when he's obviously revelling in it.

He also tries to dictate to me how I should be living my life and questions the reasons behind why I'm not a home-owner, why I'm unmarried, why I have no children etc, etc. He has no business asking anybody personal questions like that let alone somebody that he should be really trying his best to get along with for his sake and mine.

Words cannot describe what an annoying and self-absorbed prat this guy is but I'm still not sure if I should confront him if he starts again over Christmas. Granted it could put him in his place but it could also create real animosity between us and that wouldn't be fair on my parents.

Start taking the mick out of him before he gets to you. Ask him how he is enjoying paying off the mortgage on his negative equity house and when he asks why you are not married just reply pointedly that you have seen that marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be... a few digs back at him should cure him and of course if he gets the hump you were only joking. Beat him at his own game

ABajaninCork

Ellsbells wrote: »

why not go abroad visiting friends for xmas? Its a great experience to be away for xmas at least once.

I second this. I've spent several Christmases in the West Indies. And I would go back there in a heartbeat if the money allowed!!