was my abusive ex abusive only towards me?

maria34

hi,

just recently out of emotionally abusive relationship. met the man few years ago, he was in a messy break up with his ex. he broke up with her before he got together with me (well thats what i got told) they were together for 13 years and had a 3 year old. his ex went totally crazy when she found out he has me. she wrote me an email with all the abusive stuff in it. i didnt answer. told my ex, he said his ex is crazy and wants to kill me (run over with the car) because i toke her dads child away.

time goes by, after 6 months he started to be strange. got angry because i said something wrong in his eyes, didnt talk with me as punishment. sometimes called me bad names. was jelous etc. controlled, where i am. i really tought i have done something wrong, so we kept going. broke up few times, but he sneaked back into my life again. well i loved him too. thats what i tought. a while later i got pregnant. then the really bad emotional abuse started. i left him. he was crying me back, accused me in breaking up and that our child will have no father.

now he has new relationship. a new gf who obviously does not know that we were still together while they started going out. maybe she does. dont know. looks like they are living in a "flower garden".

and there it is. i feel like i was a bad partner. that it was my fault. how he didnt treat his first partner like this? why his new partner is happy with him? it really knocks my self esteem down.

Roisy7

You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Perhaps he is abusive to his new partner. You don't know. Don't assume that they have the ideal life because you know this man and what he's like. Just because they seem happy don't make it so!

Generally it can be said that an abusive partner does not stop being abusive without treatment. Their problems follow them from relationship to relationship, from partner to partner. Sometimes you get the rare couple who are just "bad for each other". Thriving off drama, massive blow-ups etc. Each individual might be ok with any other person but together they are a disaster.

To me this doesn't sound like one of those cases. Sounds like he is an abuser, and they don't change. I know your confidence is shot, but please try to think- you had a lucky escape. OK you're tied to him to a certain extent because ye have a child, but he's not able to control and abuse you anymore- you're free. And his new girlfriend will find it all out in her own time.
Wishing you the very best in the future x

maria34

thanks roisy7,

im afraid we werent "bad for each other". i hate dramas and always tried to walk on "egg-shells" to avoid explosion. sometimes it didnt work.

im afraid he is an abuser tho. he just did let me know that im a slapper because i never gave my passwords for my accounts in facebook and hotmail. so in his mind i was flirting with men (pregnant as i was). that hes with a "good woman" now whos facebook account he can use and control and she does not flirt (talk) with other men.

i feel like someone is dead. i guess all the women who come from abusive relationship feel the same.

Neyite

Maria, I had a somewhat similar ex. His ex was "perfect" and the girl after me the same. Looking back years later he was only saying it to put the blame of his behaviour on me.

What got me through was that I read up a bit on abusive/ controlling relationships - I struggled to understand how someone gets sucked into a relationship like that, how the abuser has the power. I started with a booklet the local womans refuge gave me after the split, and after that looked up recommended reading on other websites for shelters.

I actually found it healing as well as interesting and I was able to see my ex in a whole new light. Why not contact your local womans refuge and see if they have any recommended reading?

maria34

Neyite wrote: »

Maria, I had a somewhat similar ex. His ex was "perfect" and the girl after me the same. Looking back years later he was only saying it to put the blame of his behaviour on me.

What got me through was that I read up a bit on abusive/ controlling relationships - I struggled to understand how someone gets sucked into a relationship like that, how the abuser has the power. I started with a booklet the local womans refuge gave me after the split, and after that looked up recommended reading on other websites for shelters.

I actually found it healing as well as interesting and I was able to see my ex in a whole new light. Why not contact your local womans refuge and see if they have any recommended reading?

Well his ex hates me (she has a reason i guess) even if she has new relationship and a new baby. New gf is the shoulder to cry on now, because im that bad and real bitch who doesnt let to see his child. Old ex and new gf are problably best friends now and that makes him even more believe he is a great man and he treated me right. New gf has 2 children so he will treat them bad soon. He didnt treat my older child too well, in the beginning everything was fine tho. So hes treating her children like princesses now, buys them toys etc.

I contacted womens aid about my worried regarding my baby and got told from hes behaviour hes a great manipulator and hes still controlling me through my child. He doesnt pay any money towards her and hasnt got anything for her. Anything. They cooled me down and gave me that womens refugees number.

daisybelle2008

maria34 wrote: »

Well his ex hates me (she has a reason i guess) even if she has new relationship and a new baby. New gf is the shoulder to cry on now, because im that bad and real bitch who doesnt let to see his child. Old ex and new gf are problably best friends now and that makes him even more believe he is a great man and he treated me right. New gf has 2 children so he will treat them bad soon. He didnt treat my older child too well, in the beginning everything was fine tho. So hes treating her children like princesses now, buys them toys etc.

I contacted womens aid about my worried regarding my baby and got told from hes behaviour hes a great manipulator and hes still controlling me through my child. He doesnt pay any money towards her and hasnt got anything for her. Anything. They cooled me down and gave me that womens refugees number.

OP, I don't know if this will help, but all your focus on him, his partners, his realtionships is very damaging to you. By comparing your situations you are doing exactly what he was doing and you are coming up with very negative results. You are running your self-esteem into the ground by doing that. 90% of your posts are focused on him and his GF's. Really the only thought you need is that you had a lucky escape and work on being secure enough in yourself to ensure you don't tolerate abusive situations.

If are willling to put up with abusive situations long after they are healthy the problem is you are more likely to do that again and again.
Counselling may help and as you are almost justifying his behavious and blaming yourself for not measuring up, I'd get cracking asap on that if I was you.

Are you definitely keeping the baby, not sure how far gone you are. Personally I would not want to be tied to him in any format.

maria34

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, I don't know if this will help, but all your focus on him, his partners, his realtionships is very damaging to you. By comparing your situations you are doing exactly what he was doing and you are coming up with very negative results. You are running your self-esteem into the ground by doing that. 90% of your posts are focused on him and his GF's. Really the only thought you need is that you had a lucky escape and work on being secure enough in yourself to ensure you don't tolerate abusive situations.

If are willling to put up with abusive situations long after they are healthy the problem is you are more likely to do that again and again.
Counselling may help and as you are almost justifying his behavious and blaming yourself for not measuring up, I'd get cracking asap on that if I was you.

Are you definitely keeping the baby, not sure how far gone you are. Personally I would not want to be tied to him in any format.

I have a baby already. I would care less if i would not have these ties. I know i concetrate on him and his roelationships too much but i was in a worse place a while ago. Back then i wanted to contact his new gf and warn her which i did not.

daisybelle2008

maria34 wrote: »

I have a baby already. I would care less if i would not have these ties. I know i concetrate on him and his roelationships too much but i was in a worse place a while ago. Back then i wanted to contact his new gf and warn her which i did not.

Thats good progress. But try to tell yourself this everytime you find your mind wondering to him, his GF's or the past, remind yourself you are taking yourself away from building your self esteem up. Concentrate on the positives, you are away from him and the abuse. There is a book that is often recommended on her and it is a good one called 'Women who love too much' by Robin Norwood. Get it and read it. Put all your effort into moving on, that means putting him far out of your head from an emotional point of view. You CANNOT do that if you keep mulling over it in your head. Make it a habit to think of something else everytime it pops into your head, you can do that. Move towards a healthy place and believe me a healthy place for you will be when you have a complete indifference towards him and his living situation and just a plapable sense of relief that he is nowhere near you.
Focus all your effort onto building your self esteem so high that you never ever tolerate that again. What you are doing now is just exaceberating your neediness and vulnerability.

The problem with abusive relationships is that they only exist because there are two people in the relationship who believe the victim deserves the abuse. If you didn't believe you deserved it you wouldn't have stayed in the relationship. That mindset is still with you and only you can fix that in you.

maria34

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Thats good progress. But try to tell yourself this everytime you find your mind wondering to him, his GF's or the past, remind yourself you are taking yourself away from building your self esteem up. Concentrate on the positives, you are away from him and the abuse. There is a book that is often recommended on her and it is a good one called 'Women who love too much' by Robin Norwood. Get it and read it. Put all your effort into moving on, that means putting him far out of your head from an emotional point of view. You CANNOT do that if you keep mulling over it in your head. Make it a habit to think of something else everytime it pops into your head, you can do that. Move towards a healthy place and believe me a healthy place for you will be when you have a complete indifference towards him and his living situation and just a plapable sense of relief that he is nowhere near you.
Focus all your effort onto building your self esteem so high that you never ever tolerate that again. What you are doing now is just exaceberating your neediness and vulnerability.

The problem with abusive relationships is that they only exist because there are two people in the relationship who believe the victim deserves the abuse. If you didn't believe you deserved it you wouldn't have stayed in the relationship. That mindset is still with you and only you can fix that in you.

Thanks for that. Yes when i broke up with him i got such a better life and peaceful house with my kids. Went to councelling and really got better. Was hard as he kept letting me know im worth nothing. But now that i found out he cheatec while i was giving birth, it knocked everything down again. Not that deep as it was before tho.

I will definitely look for that book. I got lundy bancroft book before and did even read it. Helped a lot.

daisybelle2008

maria34 wrote: »

Thanks for that. Yes when i broke up with him i got such a better life and peaceful house with my kids. Went to councelling and really got better. Was hard as he kept letting me know im worth nothing. But now that i found out he cheatec while i was giving birth, it knocked everything down again. Not that deep as it was before tho.

I will definitely look for that book. I got lundy bancroft book before and did even read it. Helped a lot.

He kept letting you know you are worth nothing!!??
Is his opinion important to you? Why does it matter to you? As long as you place more imortance on his opinion of you than your own opinion of yourself you are going to feel bad. Stop making abusive guys opinions so special, especially ones you are not even going out with anymore.

How is he even getting a chance to 'keep' telling you stuff if you don't emotionally engage with him?. Stop doing that, minimum pefunctory exchange if relevant to the child nothing more.

Nobody can make you feel bad without your consent. You are giving him consent and opportunity, even when he is not around. Stop giving him free reign in your head. He is not that important. Who cares if he cheated, Jesus every minute he spent with another woman instead of you, you were spared!! That he was a cheater as well emotionally abusive should be more justification that he is not worth your time and you had a lucky escape.

maria34

well he didnt exact say that im worth nothing but he said that nobody wants me because i have 2 kids with 2 different fathers, nobody likes me even not my neighbours (he went to some sort of course with one of my neighbours, she doesnt get on with him at all) and so on. so basically that makes the same sense. he told me that before when we were in relationship.

he has not done it lately much, but we are in contact per text messaging because of the baby. theres always ups and downs, depends of his moods i guess. so he always txts me that kind of stuff when he does not like my answers (saying no to bring a sick baby to the kidzone or asking to pay maintenance)

maria34

and i know daisybelle, u have totally right.

Big Bag of Chips

He's already abusing his new partner if he has demanded/gotten access to her private accounts so that he can control them and make sure she's not talking to any other men. Rather than be jealous of her, you should feel sorry for her - looks like she's just the next in line.

You don't know what his relationship with his other ex was like either. Ok she sent you an abusive email - and he told you lots of stuff about her hating you - but you have no idea what he was telling her about you.

He keeps contacting you telling you bad stuff about yourself, and great stuff about his new girlfriend. He was probably doing the same with his first ex and you. Telling her how wonderful you were and how she was such a bad partner. You're not sure whether or not he was broken up with her properly when he started going out with you, and you think he started going out with his new girlfriend, before your relationship ended.

Sounds to me like he has 'form'. And he treats all his gf's exactly the same... badly. It probably won't be long until he breaks up with this girlfriend, and she starts getting the calls about how great his new girlfriend is, and how bad she was... etc.

You had a lucky escape. By the way... My cousin had 2 children from 2 different fathers (father of second child not interested, and has nothing to do with his child) and she met and married a wonderful man, and they are very happy together.

maria34

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He's already abusing his new partner if he has demanded/gotten access to her private accounts so that he can control them and make sure she's not talking to any other men. Rather than be jealous of her, you should feel sorry for her - looks like she's just the next in line.

You don't know what his relationship with his other ex was like either. Ok she sent you an abusive email - and he told you lots of stuff about her hating you - but you have no idea what he was telling her about you.

He keeps contacting you telling you bad stuff about yourself, and great stuff about his new girlfriend. He was probably doing the same with his first ex and you. Telling her how wonderful you were and how she was such a bad partner. You're not sure whether or not he was broken up with her properly when he started going out with you, and you think he started going out with his new girlfriend, before your relationship ended.

Sounds to me like he has 'form'. And he treats all his gf's exactly the same... badly. It probably won't be long until he breaks up with this girlfriend, and she starts getting the calls about how great his new girlfriend is, and how bad she was... etc.

You had a lucky escape. By the way... My cousin had 2 children from 2 different fathers (father of second child not interested, and has nothing to do with his child) and she met and married a wonderful man, and they are very happy together.

I know what he has told that new gf, he had told me that. He told her i wanted to trap him with a child and that im jelous on their happiness. I think its called projection. He freely admitted me he wanted to get me pregnant so we can be a proper family. I even didnt remember it it but looked for the letters he wrote me when we broke up. Found my old phone aswell full of abusive messages. And admitting her other child wets the bed in his house. I didnt look at these msgs before, but now i have to protect my child from it. Back to reality again.