Anger Problems

LegacyUser

The last couple of months I have noticed a big increase in my mood swings and anger.
I have a very vicious temper and lash out at people easily.

One example: last week I wasn't in a great mood then my sister and I had a small agrument over something silly, few names etc where said back the forward that got me really angry.
A short while later she made tea for everyone in the house for everyone but me. I got so angry over it that I lashed out smashing a cup off the ground.

Needless to say this is not normal behavouir.

That's only one small example. I hate to also admit that I have viciously lashed out at my mother on a few occasions, and other members of my family. something I am not proud of.


I always was kind of a moody child, and the slightest thing will upset and anger me.
I just get this hot rush when I am annoyed and need to explode.
I can't controll it.
My dad was always a vicious man, who lashed out with anger over small things and I have seen him slap and roar abuse at my brothers and sisters on a few occasions. If he was having a bad day he would take it out on everyone around him.

I generally don't have anything in life that is bothering me or that I am upset or hurt about.
I'm young, I have a small group of close freinds that I chat to and go out with frequently, I have an ok job and look after my diet and health, exercise regularly and sleep well.
I don't LOVE my job, but it pays the bills.

I have mentioned this to my doctor before but he didn't seem phased by it.

Has anyone any advice on what to do ?
Really don't want to go down the road of having to take medication or having to see any one about this but at the same time I am worried about my actions and don't want to up set myself or my family anymore.

Thanks

tinkerbell

I think you should either go back to your doctor, go see a new doctor or just go straight to a counsellor. The good thing is that you recognise you have a problem. Perhaps you need to do some things to get rid of pent-up stress, ie go to the gym and work out more, do something like yoga/Pilates as it is relaxing, etc.

You should really see someone though - you smashed a mug because your sister didn't make tea for you. What would you do if she didn't make dinner for you, what would you do then? Your family may be afraid of you so you need to sort this out now.

And you also need to go to every member of your family who you have gotten viciously angry at and apologise and explain that you are getting help.

Its Behind You!

I'd say you'd need some professional help. I don't want to open up a Pandora's box, but you might want to start looking at what effect growing up with a violent father might have had on you.

My dad was always a vicious man, who lashed out with anger over small things and I have seen him slap and roar abuse at my brothers and sisters on a few occasions. If he was having a bad day he would take it out on everyone around him.

Lola B

Hi OP,

My dad has serious anger problems, possibly mental issues and we are estranged now. When I was younger I was a hot head, but I have learned from my dads mistakes and through living with him I developed patience.

That's why I suspect that you are trying to take the blame away from yourself by mentioning your angry father. Do you lose your temper in front of strangers? Or in front of colleagues? I doubt it, and by mentioning medication and saying "you can't control it" you just avoiding having to take responsibility for your own actions.

My dad used to scream "look what you do to me, I'm in this state because of you", this was not the case, it was just easier for him to believe that his anger was justified.

Instead of taking medication or blaming your dad why not take responsibility for your own behaviour?

Its Behind You!

I would agree Lola. I'm just thinking this one over...:)

The goal is a) to identify behaviour, (achieved ) b) why its occuring and c) taking responsibilty to change that pattern of behaviour.

Its not a blame game for sure, there is no point in blaming a parent, however that does not take away from the fact that the parent may have been partly or wholly responsible for emotional damage to a child which can cause emotional disturbance as a child or later in life.

But neither should you take the blame yourself...(It's probably that I feel that the word "blame" is too strong a word in this context). I mean whats the point in blaming someone as it is only likely to cause more anger and distress and ill health.

But absolutely, you have to personally take the responsibility for repairing any damage done (by a dysfunctional parent or whatever else might have been an influence), because no one else is going to do it for you, and there are no magic wands.

But you know, we, you and I, any of us, don't know at all for sure, what is causing the OP to feel this way. The OP mentioned that it was in(the last couple of months I have noticed a big increase in my mood swings and anger).

So maybe its got nothing at all to do with the OP's father??

The journey has now started OP, I'm sure you'll get it sorted...:)

skyfall2012

It is great that you have identified you have this problem and want to do something to fix it. Parents are our role models and we learn how to become adults from them, when your role model was not a good one, you realise later on in life that you have to change what you have learnt, usually because your behaviour is causing you to be alienated from people you care about.
When your anger is triggered, don't react, be in the moment and really try and ask yourself the questions 1) Why do i feel so angry right now? 2) What is the appropriate reaction in this moment? I would propose leaving and cooling down somewhere else. You won't change overnight, but you will only change, if you keep trying to modify your behaviour and the anger will leave you eventually.
But remember to take care of the people who care about you, they are all that matter in life. Your sis was feeling hurt. But, somebody has to be the grown up and not always be acting on their emotions. You learn this lesson quickly when you become a parent, as I have.

LegacyUser

Sorry if this appears rude, but I hate all this crap about going to counselling/seeing a professional/pseudo-psychological BS.

You CAN control it.

I bet you don't lash out at your friends or work colleagues. I bet it's only family members. You only lash out at your family members because you know there is no real consequence of doing so.

You are a coward. If you had these "anger problems" in all aspects of your life (lashing out at your boss etc.) then I'd say see a professional, but I bet you don't.

You are a bully. I have a brother just like you. A street angel/house devil. He has been alienated from our family because we just got sick of his bullying.

Grow up, control yourself, and take responsibility

looksee

I can remember in my teens occasionally getting that 'hot rush' of anger that you describe, but I grew out of it. I can remember how uncontrollable it felt for an instant though. Only for an instant though, and if I had responded with a fit of temper there would have been serious repercussions.

Whether you go from the surge of anger to following through with petulance is a decision only you can make. I agree with the others that you are trying to deflect responsibility from yourself.

I can't help it
My father etc
I don't want to see anyone or take medication

Look, either you can control it, in which case do so, or you need help - whether it is anger management or medication. If you don't accept either solution then what are you looking for here?

First accept responsibility for the situation - not necessarily the anger - and then decide which way you will deal with it.

Its Behind You!

@Looksee. To be fair to the OP, he has come on here looking for advice, and did say "I cant control it" and not "I can't help it" which are 2 different things.

But for sure, its time to take responsibility for dealing with it.

Hoochiemama

skeptical wrote: »

Sorry if this appears rude, but I hate all this crap about going to counselling/seeing a professional/pseudo-psychological BS.

You CAN control it.

I bet you don't lash out at your friends or work colleagues. I bet it's only family members. You only lash out at your family members because you know there is no real consequence of doing so.

You are a coward. If you had these "anger problems" in all aspects of your life (lashing out at your boss etc.) then I'd say see a professional, but I bet you don't.

You are a bully. I have a brother just like you. A street angel/house devil. He has been alienated from our family because we just got sick of his bullying.

Grow up, control yourself, and take responsibility

Well I dont think thats very fair! You seem to be venting your anger at your brother through the OP.

He is not a coward. He is a person is cant control whos actions but he is aware of this and has come on here trying to find help.

OP, there is no stigma to be attached to seeing a counsellor. If your body is sick, you go to a doctor, if your mind is sick you go to a counsellor. Its not a deflection of who you are.

It seems it might be a behavourial pattern that you are stuck in which you may have learned from your father and as a result as a child seen it as acceptable. You are now conflicting between what is your instant reaction (because it is a behavourial pattern) and what you know in your heart and soul is what is the real way you should be reacting.

A counsellor can help you break this behavourial pattern so dont feel bad about going.

Big Bag of Chips

Can I just remind everyone that replies should be directed to the OP, and not each other.

Also, I know it is an emotive topic, but the Charter states that replies should be phrased in a civil manner. It is possible to get opinions across, (even strong ones!) while remaining civil.

Anymore off topic, or uncivil posts will be deleted and could result in warnings and/or bans.

Thanks,
Big Bag of Chips.

looksee

Its Behind You! wrote: »

@Looksee. To be fair to the OP, he has come on here looking for advice, and did say "I cant control it" and not "I can't help it" which are 2 different things.

But for sure, its time to take responsibility for dealing with it.

Apologies for misquoting, though I do not think there is a significant difference between the two phrases

Its Behind You!

looksee wrote: »

Apologies for misquoting, though I do not think there is a significant difference between the two phrases

If I further quote or take issue with you post, I no doubt shall run the risk of a ban or infraction or whatever.

However, you know as well as I, (if you have an open mind, which you probably don't) that there is a clear difference between the two. However minor point that.

More importantly If there was responsible and effective moderation of this forum, the tone of your post should be addressed, but it wont.

I await my ban.

superblu

skeptical wrote: »

Sorry if this appears rude, but I hate all this crap about going to counselling/seeing a professional/pseudo-psychological BS.

You CAN control it.

I bet you don't lash out at your friends or work colleagues. I bet it's only family members. You only lash out at your family members because you know there is no real consequence of doing so.

You are a coward. If you had these "anger problems" in all aspects of your life (lashing out at your boss etc.) then I'd say see a professional, but I bet you don't.

You are a bully. I have a brother just like you. A street angel/house devil. He has been alienated from our family because we just got sick of his bullying.

Grow up, control yourself, and take responsibility

Could not agree more with the above text. If someone in your family hit you a box after your carry on you might think twice about losing the plot the next time. That would be the correct treatment for you because what you are is a bully and ultimately a spineless coward. You probably expect people to come crawling back to you to try and make amends after you've had a blow out. What's worse is they probably do. One of these days though your family will say enough is enough. There is such a thing as self restraint. I suggest you start exercising it. Get yourself checked out by a doctor all you like but the book ultimately stops with you.

Taltos

looksee - please ensure you read our charter and that going forward you don't ignore mod instruction. All the more important on these emotive issues.

Its Behind You! - as requested we have issued you a weeks holiday from PI. When you return we expect you to read the charter and if you find that you still cannot post as expected then please consider not contributing here.

PI is not the place for petty disputes or point scoring - we request posters to take it elsewhere. Also if anyone has an issue with a post/poster use the report button and don't derail threads by dealing with it yourself. Due to the nature of PI and the issues here we are a strictly moderated forum, as tough as this might appear the regular contributors here know that this is purely to ensure that OP's issues get the best advice possible without turning into disputes/discussions.

Thanks all
Taltos