Very strong feelings for an unavailable man

LegacyUser

Hi all

Have a problem and would love some advice on it.

So, I have feelings, very strong feelings for a close friend. He has a long term girlfriend.

I know my feelings are genuine, because I have felt an initial attraction since I first met him, although obviously as our friendship grew, so did my feelings.

I never acted on these feelings because he was in a relationship and actually put those thoughts to the back of my mind.

However, in recent months he has been confiding in me that he doesn't think the relationship will last, and that he knows he needs to end it.

Since that revelation the thoughts I had buried started coming back to the front of my head. There have been a few nights where drunkenly we have ended up cuddling, but that is as far as it has gone.

However, very recently, as we found ourselves yet again having a midnight drunken cuddle, he just came out with it and asked me what was going on that we ended up this way after a few drinks. He went on to say that he was very attracted to me and felt that we have a connection - he mentioned certain things he had noticed over the months, things that I had noticed too.

He told me that he knows he needs to break up with his girlfriend and that he "would deal with it" I told him nothing would happen between us until she was out of the picture.

I told him that I was going to back off as it was (a) disrespectful to his girlfriend for me to be cuddling her boyfriend and vice versa and (b) he would need to make the decision to break up with her in his own time and because he actually wants to, not because of me.

I told him he would feel no pressure from me regarding this decision.

I have liked this guy for about 3 years and was over the moon when I heard that he feels something for me.

However, this week I'm feeling a bit sad with the realisation that while I know what he said was true (even though he said it very drunkenly) I also know that he has been mulling over this relationship about 6 months already and he may never end it, for an easy life. (He has tried before)

He definitely remembers saying what he said because we discussed it the following night. Now, that following night he was hammered too.

I know some posters will suggest talking to him about this while sober but that's not really an option. He never even speaks of the state of his relationship when sober so he's certainly not going to speak about this. Plus, as I said, I don't want to put any pressure on him.

I guess the advice I'm asking for is .... How do I handle this situation appropriately? This relationship was on the rocks well before we admitted feelings for one another and bar a cuddle there has been nothing physical between us. Yet I feel like the other woman.

Thanks in advance for help/advice

emsie80

As your title states - 'unavailable man'!! I wonder is his long term partner aware their relationship is on the 'rocks'??

Greenduck

I think the way you have handled it to date is the best you can do right now. If you get any closer however, you risk hurting yourself and his girlfriend an awful lot. Cut out the late night hugs and chats and be strong.

He sounds to me like he's weighing up his options. To be honest if you feel this strong you are going to have to talk to him sober. If he is unwilling to do this then I think you have your answer.

Best of luck

daisybelle2008

Alwaysunregged wrote: »

Have a problem and would love some advice on it.

He told me that he knows he needs to break up with his girlfriend and that he "would deal with it" I told him nothing would happen between us until she was out of the picture.


I know some posters will suggest talking to him about this while sober but that's not really an option. He never even speaks of the state of his relationship when sober so he's certainly not going to speak about this. Plus, as I said, I don't want to put any pressure on him.

I guess the advice I'm asking for is .... How do I handle this situation appropriately?

OK, if I was in your shoes I wouldn't talk to him at all sober or drunk. I would not emotionally invest a second in the situation until he was emotionally available to me (single!).

If you have told him nothing will happen until she is out of the picture, he has all the information he needs, so no need to be trying to have emotionally fraught convo's with him drunk or sober and hanging out with him.

Back off 100%,no contact. Concentrate on other stuff, it won't be easy but it will either prompt him into action or it won't either way, he is absolutely no use to you unless he is single. As in you have proven you can't just remain friends without sadness and yearning for more. So it is a thorn around your neck bothering with him unless he is available for a relationship.

If you want to get what you want you have to be very clear and unambiguous in your actions and not settle for less than you want.

FLYPIG

emsie80 wrote: »

As your title states - 'unavailable man'!! I wonder is his long term partner aware their relationship is on the 'rocks'??

To avoid any hurt, this situation needs to be talked about sober, as you can't seem to do this then maybe that is the answer.

You say you have felt like this for 3 years, are they going out long? if it is a new relationship, why has nothing happened before now. As for the cuddling I think its really inappropriate -why would you put yourself in a situation like that with someone who is in a relationship ? do you know her or where is she when this happens?


Is this more one sided on your part or does he really feel the same, as he doesn't seem to be able to talk about it sober or seems to be still with his girlfriend?

Maybe back off and get your head around things and maybe distance yourself from this man, if its a case you work together then keep focused on work and let him take the reins.

ibarelycare

There's nothing more really you can do here. I think you've handled yourself very well up to now. You've already told him that you'll let him make the decision in his own time and that's exactly what you should do. If you try and talk about it again, he might feel pressurised by you.

You should also bear in mind that if/when they do break up, things may not exactly go as you hoped for. I presume if you've known him for 3 years that he's been in this same relationship for at least that length of time? You could end up being a "rebound", he might want to play the field a bit, etc.

fifiki

Please- you are just another of those sad crazies running after someone elses guy- do us a favor and quit blowing your own trumpet about being a nice person for telling him it couldn't happen until they broke up- wah wah wah- seriously. By the sounds of things you wouldn't find it all that easy to meet your own guy but that's no excuse to chase another girl's fella. You've known him for 3 years and it still hasn't happened- get a life of your own and quit meddling in other peoples. If you decide to continue cuddling and messing with this fella I have no doubt that you will get what you deserve, both of you- karma is a bitch!

tinkerbell

OP, back off. He's still in a relationship, stop being his shoulder to cry on when you have feelings for him. IF he breaks up with her, then see what happens, however he may not. He might just be trying to get you to be his bit on the side. You have to cut contact with him for now til he sorts out his head.

ManOfMystery

fifiki wrote: »

Please- you are just another of those sad crazies running after someone elses guy- do us a favor and quit blowing your own trumpet about being a nice person for telling him it couldn't happen until they broke up- wah wah wah- seriously. By the sounds of things you wouldn't find it all that easy to meet your own guy but that's no excuse to chase another girl's fella. You've known him for 3 years and it still hasn't happened- get a life of your own and quit meddling in other peoples. If you decide to continue cuddling and messing with this fella I have no doubt that you will get what you deserve, both of you- karma is a bitch!

This is an advice forum. OP came on here for advice, not persecution from you.

OP I agree with the others - he's telling you one thing but doing another, so it remains to be seen if the relationship is really 'on the rocks' or if he's just doing what a million unfaithful men have done before him, and telling both women what they want to hear.

I'd advise keeping your distance until it's single. Don't be the other woman, and don't be a catalyst for their breakup. If he isn't happy with her, then he shouldn't be with her regardless of any feeling he has for you or anyone else. If and when he becomes available, then you can reassess things.

Merkin

I also think you've handled it well. I'd avoid situations where any more intimacy can occur though as if you're both attracted to one another it can be a really slippery slope and next thing you know you could find yourself as his bit on the side, regardless of how much you fight it. I'd have a conversation with him once and once only while sober telling him you are interested in him but that it's up to him what he does with existing relationship and that you're not going to be hanging around waiting for him either. I get that it can take time to break up with someone but it's either on the rocks or it's not and ultimately actions speak louder than words.

Neyite

Fifiki, Welcome to Personal Issues/ Relationship Issues.

The forum Charter is located here.

We expect that posters reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner, and that advice given should be mature, constructive and not abusive.

Failure to do so will result in infractions and/or bans from the forum.

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curlzy

I think ye are all being too nice to the OP. At the end of the day the guy is in a relationship. It's nasty and sneaky to be "cuddling" with someone who is in a relationship. "Handling it well" isn't what she's done. Handling it well would have been telling the guy to get his hands off her and maybe give her a ring when/if he becomes single.

As said before Karma is a bitch, if it gets out (and these things usually come to light), OP is gonna get a real nasty name for herself.

SineadMarie

Yea I agree it’s all painted as the op is doing the right thing, but cuddling someone else’s bf isn’t on, how would the op like it if it was the other way around, plus even if he dumps his gf for you how can you be sure he isn't going to do doing them same to you in the future. In my opinion people never change. Only sympathy I have is for the poor gf she’s the only one I’d hate to see badly hurt from this.

amtc

I have a slightly different perspective and not from a moral point of view.

My best friend is male. His girlfriend was horrible to him (I saw it first hand). We have been friends for 15 years. He started confiding in me about emotional stuff and as she wouldn't go anywhere with him I did. People assumed there was something going on. There wasn't for years....and then there was. He broke up with the gf but used me as an emotional springboard. Stayed with me, and one thing of course led to another.

We never really went out but I felt used, desperate, and I'd lost my best friend. We've now got that back to some extent but it took me six months of therapy to realise I was just a handy 'out', so be careful. It hurt me more than it ever hurt him. He's living with someone now - I was the one that it cost emotionally. The funny thing is he's back chatting me up again.

fifiki

Apologies to anyone who was offended by my comment- I did not mean to persecute OP. Let me rephrase: My advice to you is to back off and let this guy sort his relationship out without trying to influence his decision. At the end of the day, if he wanted to be with you he would but instead, he is with his girlfriend. The victim in this is the girlfriend. I understand this is an advice forum, advice is based on opinion.

curlzy

amtc wrote: »

We never really went out but I felt used, desperate, and I'd lost my best friend. We've now got that back to some extent but it took me six months of therapy to realise I was just a handy 'out', so be careful. It hurt me more than it ever hurt him. He's living with someone now - I was the one that it cost emotionally. The funny thing is he's back chatting me up again.

This is what I mean by Karma, doing the wrong thing rarely leads anywhere good and leaves you feeling like a bad person. I'd pay attention to this OP, if you don't want to end up the same. While having morals can be seen by some as "uncool", at the end of the day those without morals are ususally the kind of people you wouldn't want to be!

I hope you're over the rotter now AMTC and feeling better.

ibarelycare

Well luckily there's no such thing as karma!


Anyway I really don't think what the OP has done is so very wrong. She hasn't actively pursued this man. If what he says is true, then her feelings for him are reciprocated.

I would of course be wary about the guy. He's either not being completely truthful about the state of his relationship, or he's being quite cowardly by not breaking up with his girlfriend.

I do hope things work out for you OP as you do seem to feel very strongly about this man. Hopefully he'll come to his senses and do the right thing. And don't mind people who say that he'll do the same to you, that people never change, etc. That's as much BS as the whole karma malarkey. People make mistakes or bad choices and then go on to never make them again ALL THE TIME. It's part of life.

djimi

Its worth bearing in mind OP that even if he does break up with his girlfriend its not a good idea for you to start dating him immediately. Two things spring to mind; a) if he is just out of a long term relationship chances are he is going to want time to clear his head and find himself again so to speak, and b) if you get with him the minute he breaks up with the girlfriend then its going to look very much like the relationship ended because of you, and that something was most likely going on before it ended, which could well open up a whole lot of hassle for you.

My advice would be to back off and give the chap some distance. And Im talking about for a decent length of time. If he breaks up with the girlfriend in that time then great; have a chat about it and see where you want to go from there (you may well find his mindset is quite different when he is a single man). If he ends up staying with the girlfriend then so be it; its not going to happen for you in that case.

curlzy

ibarelycare wrote: »

Well luckily there's no such thing as karma!

Wow what a statement. Care to prove that? Source maybe?

Either way, I didn't mean it in the Hindu/Buddist sense, I meant it more in the non-religious sense i.e. treat people like crap and it'll come back to bite you in the ass.

SineadMarie

curlzy wrote: »

Wow what a statement of fact. Care to prove that? Source maybe?

Like to think it does, but then again a lot of people seem to always land on their feet, while me i feel like i'm a good caring person and bad luck seems to follow me around like a bad smell

Neyite

curlzy wrote: »

Wow what a statement of fact. Care to prove that? Source maybe?

Nobody will be proving or disproving Karma on this thread as it's off-topic and of no use to the OP. Take it to PM please.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Writing this very awkwardly on my phone, so apologies if it comes out all messed up.

First of all, thank you very much for all the replies. Even the harsh ones.

Ok, so here go the replies...

To the poster who called me crazy, going after someone else's bf and unable to get one of my own ... Wow, what a judgement that is. I can assure you that I have no problem getting dates of my own and have been on quite a few. They have never progressed because I just didnt feel right with the guys. Some of them were assholes, some of them very nice. But I just couldn't relax with them.

I'm not actually chasing anyone here in my opinion. I have had feelings for him for 3 years and have never acted upon them, despite being around him on an almost daily basis. I have always accepted that he was out of bounds. I cannot help who I have feelings for.

I will be honest when I say that when we end up cuddling I don't know who instigates it, we are always quite drunk. But there is a mutual comfort with it, that is for sure.

I was accused of blowing my own trumpet, saying how great I am for telling him nothing can happen ... I don't recall saying that and would be surprised if I did as that is not how I feel at all. In fact I said I feel like 'the other woman' as in I feel awful.

To answer another question - how come nothing has happened before now ... since I've known him he has been in this relationship.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him or me when I defend his not having yet left his gf but I would just like to say as an aside that while it may be seen as cowardly to not break up with someone the very minute you decide they are not right for you, it is also very normal. I was in a physically abusive relationship for 6 years before I left, it became physically so in the last year but I had known for the 3 previous it was coming yet I still stayed. Off topic and not really relevant I know.

I am also very much aware of the fact that it wouldn't be a good idea to start anything straight away if he does finish this relationship. The potential fallout is something I am also very worried about as I have a feeling that no matter how much time is left it will always be suggested that something was going on.

I am also very worried about being a rebound for him. I have no question about my own feelings because I know they have always been there. I'm not inside his mind so can't speak for him.

Thank you to those for your supportive posts but also thank you to those who are posting the harsher stuff. It doesn't make me feel better to read them, but then I didn't come here to be made feel better I came here for impartial advice without bias.

I actually do believe in karma in a small way, I did something not very nice a long time ago and often feel my abusive relationship was payback for that. However a lot of bad has happened to me since that too and I was starting to think via his revelation about his feelings that my luck may have been starting to change, not at her expense though, that's not what I want. But like I said before, he confided in me about the troubles in that relationship long before he had any notion of my feelings.

emsie80

curlzy wrote: »

I think ye are all being too nice to the OP. At the end of the day the guy is in a relationship. It's nasty and sneaky to be "cuddling" with someone who is in a relationship. "Handling it well" isn't what she's done. Handling it well would have been telling the guy to get his hands off her and maybe give her a ring when/if he becomes single.

As said before Karma is a bitch, if it gets out (and these things usually come to light), OP is gonna get a real nasty name for herself.

+1 100% agree

beks101

I don't really get the judgement calls to be honest, life isn't black or white as most people who've been in relationships would know and while most of us can agree that an affair is bang out of order, that's clearly not what the OP is looking for.

OP - protect yourself here. From my reading of it, your friend is getting the best of both worlds - he's got all the sex and affection and intimacy and company and he wants from his girlfriend, and then he gets the emotional support he needs from you. While knowing that you want more - so you're always there as a sort of Plan B if/when things go wrong with his girlfriend.

Maybe his feelings are genuine, maybe the attraction is mutual, but if that's really true and he really wants to be with you, he'll quit wasting time telling you he has feelings for you and he'll take the necessary action to make it happen. Words are cheap OP. He might be getting a kick out of reeling you in or a boost out of seeing the power he has over you. Who knows?

He knows where you stand. Quit being his emotional sounding board every time he's having relationship issues. You're only harming yourself. Put some distance between the two of you now because you're heading for a very definite heartbreak in the near future if you continue torturing yourself like this.

FLYPIG

It seems you have respected all opinions given and appear to be logical in your explanation of the situation, but that's not to say its correct. Feelings and emotions can put a haze on a clearer picture even if you feel you are logical and being respectful.

The cuddling is not being respectful no matter who instigates it and if it only happens when your drunk, I can only assume its while socializing other friends. Is the gf part of your friend circle?

Backing off is defiantly what appears to be the best option as A. you are possibly going to be a rebound and B. No matter how long you leave it, if it's going to suggest that something had be going on prior to the breakup, what impact will it have on your friendship with this girl? This is going to be very messy and hurtful if she is your friend- I hope this is not the case.

You said in your original post that you told him you where going to back off, what were his reactions to this ??

CarMe

You can't even talk to the bloke when you're both sober!!
Come off it OP surely you're worth more than some sleazy drunken mess!

LegacyUser

Sounds like situation i'm in funnily enough! very like it actually.

I had it in my head that 'he' would break up with her for me etc !
then i realised he's in a long term relaitonship, they have house etc.. obv for him its easier to stay put ... and also if they did break up, he will need alot of time to get over this.
couple of weeks or months.
Maybe i'm wrong.

I would try stay away if i were you.. i'm telling myself same thing believe me.
I'm staying friends with this fella but that's most it will be.

gypsy_rose

Hard situation, I'd say judge him from his actions rather than his words, it's very easy for him to say those things and have nice drunken cuddles with you, I personally think he's bad news, even if he does want to break up with his gf he's not showing much loyalty to her, would you want to be treated the same way if your relationship hits a rough spot? He's emotionally cheating on his gf.

Roisy7

I think to be fair there are two victims here- the OP and the girlfriend.

We are very quick to judge women in these situations- he has a mind and free will, where's the hate for him?!

This is, as another poster says, a drunken mess. And I know from all-too-bitter experience that nothing every comes of that. He has a case of Dutch courage but I hate to say it if he a. wanted you and b. had a spine he would have done something while sober. You're worth more than drunken half-promises and I think you would be far better off cutting contact with this man (best friend or no- no friend would pull stunts like this when they know you're vulnerable) and working through the issues arising from the abusive relationship. Focus on yourself, not him.

Oh and on karma- look if you're a generally a good person and the bad thing you did wasn't murdering a child or similar you'll get back what you put in. Don't be so hard on yourself OP and don't allow some of the judgemental stuff here hurt you either. **** happens!!!!

username123

Poor OP. You are so being played by this man and you are encouraging it.

What are you doing hanging around and having midnight drunken cuddles with a guy who has a woman? Do you not have any self respect at all? You are second fiddle and the fact you cant even talk to him about it sober speaks volumes.

Im sorry to be blunt, but carrying feelings for an unavailable man for 3 years is pathetic. Move on. Find someone available. Even if this charmer left his current beau and hooked up with you youd always be wondering who else he was ending up in drunken midnight cuddles with. Striking up something (even if there is no physicality, just your emotional availability) with a man in a relationship cant go anywhere good.

I dont even know how you could end up in the drunken cuddles tbh, if someone I knew was in a relationship tried to cuddle me while we were drunk Id tell him to get off me and the next day Id give him a piece of my mind for treating me like a piece of meat.

Seriously, have a bit of self respect and tell this loser where to go.

amtc

one thing I've learnt and I should've learnt years ago - when a man wants something he'll go for it. The rest is just feeding ego.

With my situation, it suits me to keep in touch with the guy - he has been genuinely good to me lots - but also brought me to my lowest point. Don't let yourself there. I've now regained control but cost me lots. There is nothing worst than being someone's second best. And there are men who get a kick out of being 'the prize'

Sorry, more honest than I should be in an open forum, but I see the pain I went through and the therapy (which was great) I had to get me back to me. He was there through all of it, but even that was a form of control and power.

LegacyUser

OP again

Thank you for your replies again.

A few things I want to clear up ...

1. About the drunken cuddles. I just want to clarify what I mean by cuddles. I will end up with his arm around me and I around him. That is it. I'm confident that is everyone's definition of cuddling, but just want to be clear.

2. Also, he is not just a mate, he is a very close friend. We only know each other 3 yrs but we have become great friends during that time and have confided in each other about a lot of things in our lives.

3. Keeping a physical distance from him is not possible. I don't mean that in a romantic way, it's physically not possible. However, obv an emotional one is.

I really do feel like I know him well enough to know that he is not CONSCIOUSLY playing me OR his gf, however I fully understand that unknownst to him this still may be the case.

More than the torrent of accusation that has been sent my way here, what I can't deny is the anecdotal evidence from others who have been here and been hurt. I don't want that, I need to have this guy in my life, even if it's only as a friend. And to the poster who called me pathetic for having feelings for him for three years, I think you are out of order to say that. I have had feelings for him for three years for a reason, I am attracted to him on many many levels. However I did 'get over it' essentially at the time. I got on with my life, went on some dates and had a short term relationship during that time. I'm still actively dating. It's not as if I'm hanging around waiting for him.

Also, I mentioned that he wouldn't speak about this sober, I suppose I don't actually know that. I haven't brought it up with him so I don't know. But, yes, he hasn't brought it up with me either while sober. I am unwilling to mention it to him because I don't want to influence his decision. I won't be happy if he finishes with her, thinking it was only because I badgered him .

Possibly the best piece of advice I've been given here is that men will go after what they want. On that note I have decided to emotionally uninvest myself in this situation and sit tight and wait to see what happens. I'm a firm believer that no1 should have to convince anyone or coax anyone to be with them so that would never be an option for me anyway.

Can mods please not lock this thread as although it may seem I've made a decision re: solvingy problem, I would like the chance to discuss it more.

username123

Alwaysunregged wrote: »

And to the poster who called me pathetic for having feelings for him for three years, I think you are out of order to say that. I have had feelings for him for three years for a reason, I am attracted to him on many many levels. However I did 'get over it' essentially at the time. I got on with my life, went on some dates and had a short term relationship during that time. I'm still actively dating. It's not as if I'm hanging around waiting for him.

Im sorry if my words upset you but I do think its pathetic to hang on to unrequited feelings for someone - who is with someone else - for so long. That kind of behaviour will leave you lonely and unsatisfied. Its totally acceptable to be able to 'appreciate' someone's attractiveness, but to hang on to feelings for 3 years is a lack of acceptance that this person is with someone else and unavailable to you. Dating other people is not moving on if your emotions are still with the first guy.

How would you feel, if you were his girlfriend, and someone told you that there was some other woman with feelings for him for years, who wouldnt accept that he was in a relationship and move on? You would think they were pathetic wouldnt you?

Another question Id ask is this, why are you developing such a close 'friendship' over 3 years with someone who is in a relationship? Dont you think that that is inappropriate behaviour - on your part and on his?

Why do you need to have him in your life - he is someone elses man?

The more you post the more it sounds like you manipulate the situation to have him around. I dont know what ages any of you are but I am assuming quite young because as you get older you are more aware of the inappropriateness of hanging around someone elses man like this.

If you read back over your posts its really just a series of you justifying the reasons why and why and why.