Another dating question....

LegacyUser

Hey all,

I don't even know if I'll get an answer to my question here. Or if indeed I do have a question at all. I've been out with person X about 5 or 6 times. (no horizontal gymnastics as of yet)
If I were asked 6 months ago to describe my ideal person, it would have been person X. Now that I find myself out with that person, it's a bit surreal to say the least.
I have been single most of the time the last few years, as nobody has ticked the boxes enough for me to make the effort, and here I find myself with someone who has begun to tick boxes I didn't even know could be ticked.

I don't want to rush anything, but I am so "out of practice" or "out of the loop" since my last relationship, I kind of feel like I'm in a boat in the middle of a lake, and I lost the oars, and I'm not sure what to do. One part of me is thinking that I am letting it slip through my fingers. I know person X had a really bad break up a year ago, so I am reluctant to push anything or say anything, or to show my cards. I guess I am "ready" maybe more so than person X. (I am only assuming this). Maybe the fact I decided to stay single for so long, this is all a novelty for me, and I am in the infatuation stage seeing as I was aware of person X long before I hooked up. Person X even did the asking too, which was a great sign, but I am not sure how to play things at this stage. Again, I am assuming the fact I have been out a bunch of times is a good sign...

What is my question? What answer am I looking for? I don't know. In one way I have to pinch myself that I am with this person, even though it hasn't been for long. I may have to relocate for work in the new year, a few hours away, but it's a bummer if I manage to still be with that person. It's like circumstances are conspiring against me.

Again, what is my question? I have the urge that I should "say something" about how I feel. Or just continue to keep my cards close to my chest until the gut feeling tells me to say something....

looksee

Are you over-thinking this? Can you not just continue enjoying each others' company and let the relationship evolve naturally? You will say more about how you feel by the way you act and respond to him than by talking at this stage. If you are meant for each other, living a few hours apart won't make a difference, don't meet trouble half way. He's gorgeous, you fancy him, you've got him - just enjoy!

LegacyUser

I'm a he. Person X is a she!

I am overthinking, and always thinking ahead, but I can't help it...People keep saying "live in the moment"...

ash23

I think you need to chill out a bit and take her down off the pedestal or you risk scaring her off.
It's nice to be nice, and there is no harm telling her at this stage that you really like her. But cool the sentiment a small bit because to go on the way you did in the OP would send most girls running scared. 5 or 6 dates is nothing. Not really enough time to get to know a person.

Ans she is just a person OP. She is amazing in her own way but she is also human. She farts and has bad habits, same as every other person.

You are infatuated and it's lovely that you are so happy with her. But lose the awe imo. It's very hard for someone to live up to that kind of expectation. Just carry on as you are for now. Let her know you are interested by making the next date, by calling when you say you will and by complimenting her. I would think that is the stage you guys are at presently.

LegacyUser

Yes, you're right. I should just keep my lip buttoned for now. I do think the novelty factor of being with someone is having a big influence right now, so I should let that pass and see how it goes then...
See, I'm not getting to know the person from scratch either. (friend of a friend etc.)

I'll just carry on as normal...

Greenduck

Just go with the flow OP, like another poster said you'll end up hijacking what could be something thats really good for you. I was the same recently, so caught up in being independent, when someone good came along I didnt notice.

Thank god, 4 months down the road we have both copped on to what a good thing we had but I nearly lost it at one stage. It actually scared me that it was just my mental relationshippy block that could have ruined it all.

Living in the moment and enjoying what you have is the best way forward imo. Its not about the destination (i.e. a relationship, marriage etc) its about the journey. Have fun with the new lady, she sounds awesome and relax with it. Do what feels right and trust yourself.

kjl

6 dates and no sex? I don't mean to be mean but have you at least kissed?

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

6 dates and no sex? I don't mean to be mean but have you at least kissed?

Of course I have. Circumstance just didn't allow for sex. I have no problem with that. It's been long enough for me, so waiting is no big deal. It's not an issue. Perhaps she is unsure about me, perhaps not. I think I have to go with the flow on this one, even though it's head wrecking. I'm at an age where I just don't want to have to go back to square 1 again and again...

looksee

kjl wrote: »

6 dates and no sex? I don't mean to be mean but have you at least kissed?

Oh for heavens' sake. Just because 'everyone' talks about instant sex doesn't mean it happens, or that the OP should feel pressured. Leave him do things his way.

LegacyUser

OP here. An update on it all. I'm still hanging in there. Just about! There was a gap of a few weeks when the other person was abroad, and have met up twice in the last 2 weeks. However, I notice that contact in general seems to be a lot less than before, though not any different in tone etc than it was before and the two times I did meet up in the last few weeks have been enjoyable, just a load of stuff in my head I am trying to keep a lid on and not scare them off.
I would like to blurt out what is in my head, but I fear I might scare them off. They seem a little aloof with me, more than before. I guess I don't know what's going on in their head either.....I should ask.
I am trying to curb the "infatuation" mode. I think about them a lot. It's probably not good for me.

LegacyUser

further update. I've been given the red card.
I suppose I just don't measure up as a charming person.
I was prepared to give this a lash if all went right. I thought this might have been the person for me.

Carriexx

Oh you poor thing....dont lose hope!! You'll meet her soon!!

LegacyUser

I could go into the confusing signals I was getting, but probably not for this thread....

LegacyUser

Ah I'm sorry to hear that OP..

I have to say that I'm not entirely surprised. From a girl's perspective it sounds like you were coming across as uncertain and keeping something back (which you say you were). also if you were being too careful about not putting any pressure on her you could have been coming across as aloof yourself.

I've recently said to a guy I was seeing for a while that I didn't think it was working out and I really liked him. in a way I think he was a bit like you.. I think (I could be wrong - he may just not have been into me!) he did like me but he was way too cool and kept asking if I was comfortable with how things were going and not wanting to rush me.. I think he may have just not wanting to scare me off but the effect was that I didn't think he was that interested and it was making me uncertain about the whole thing so I ended it.

I think a girl needs to know that you're into her and open to what happens.. I know this might be too late with this girl (or might it, do you think if you called her and were just completely honest with her things could change?) but you'll know for again. It is okay to wear your heart on your sleeve a bit more.. you may get hurt but at least you've tried.. Seize the day and all that jazz...

My tuppence worth.

looksee

justunsure wrote: »

further update. I've been given the red card.
I suppose I just don't measure up as a charming person.
I was prepared to give this a lash if all went right. I thought this might have been the person for me.

Its nothing to do with you being a charming person, its whether there is any chemistry between you and if you are what she is looking for. If you are not, that is not a reflection on you, its just life.

Hang in there, try not to be too analytical or controlling of yourself and try and find an interest that will absorb some of that thinking that you are doing!

LegacyUser

Yodaone wrote: »

Ah I'm sorry to hear that OP..

I have to say that I'm not entirely surprised. From a girl's perspective it sounds like you were coming across as uncertain and keeping something back (which you say you were). also if you were being too careful about not putting any pressure on her you could have been coming across as aloof yourself.

I've recently said to a guy I was seeing for a while that I didn't think it was working out and I really liked him. in a way I think he was a bit like you.. I think (I could be wrong - he may just not have been into me!) he did like me but he was way too cool and kept asking if I was comfortable with how things were going and not wanting to rush me.. I think he may have just not wanting to scare me off but the effect was that I didn't think he was that interested and it was making me uncertain about the whole thing so I ended it.

I think a girl needs to know that you're into her and open to what happens.. I know this might be too late with this girl (or might it, do you think if you called her and were just completely honest with her things could change?) but you'll know for again. It is okay to wear your heart on your sleeve a bit more.. you may get hurt but at least you've tried.. Seize the day and all that jazz...

My tuppence worth.

Sounds exactly what I was like! Weird thing is, without giving much away, I got a call last weekend and spent the night with her, nothing more, and then I get this? It might well be too late, but I'm going to send a long email, which basically gets it all out of my head. I'm not going to call. But I will be completely honest, and for that alone, I'll have some peace of mind........

LegacyUser

looksee wrote: »

Its nothing to do with you being a charming person, its whether there is any chemistry between you and if you are what she is looking for.

There certainly was for a while I think. I mean, if I managed 7 or 8 dates, surely there's something in that? I should have been more assertive.......

Reesy

Hi OP,

This article http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200810/the-art-now-six-steps-living-in-the-moment might help you be in the moment and overthink things a bit less. I am finding it useful.

LegacyUser

I'm in a situation at the moment which is just like what you are describing, and I'm afraid I'm about to "break up" with a guy for acting a bit like you, OP.

I'm sure you are an amazing person who mean well, and it's interesting to hear how different girls read different signs differently.

In my case, the guy is really nice, cute, there is some chemistry and I could see myself liking him a lot. But he is *very* intense, I can see he has developed very deep feelings of infatuation way too quickly, and I'm not ready to get emotionally involved with him, because 1) I know him very little and 2) I had a very hurtful breakup recently and I'm still in recovery.

So because the guy is so nice, I feel a huge pressure to not hurt him and not lead him on. And I'll probably try to bring the subject up asap and finish whatever it is we have at the moment.

For the record, we did kiss and we did have sex. Again, he is a really nice person, but I'm not ready for what he has to offer, and I don't think it's fair to him to waste his time.

I know it sounds really weird, but just wanted to give you my perspective...

Wishing you the best, OP.

LegacyUser

I spoke with the other person earlier, and I was aware there was a lot of sh*t going on in their lives, and had been going on the last year, and I totally appreciate that they got in touch, and can now see why it cannot possibly work. It was very nice to be contacted. It offers some closure. Unfortunately I was caught in the crossfire....