Affairs

summerlucey

Hello,

Have any of you ever forgiven an unfaithful partner? I found out my husband had an affair for 18mths. It would probably still going on only for me finding out. I wish we could just go back to normal but i know i will never trust him again. We have two daughters and i just feel guilty (i know i shouldnt) for not giving them a 'normal' childhood. We are only married 3 years. We tried marriage counselling and he goes on how sorry he is etc but i just cant seem to get over it. I feel our whole marriage was a lie.

a fat guy

I don't think I could ever forgive someone for something like that.

It's never happened to me before, but if it did I know it'd just never work out again.

Its Behind You!

Married 3 years and having affair for 18 months?!!

Thankfully I've never been in that position at all.

Sorry to be blunt I'd get rid of asap.

You must be devestated. IMO he'll do it again. Get legal advice. Be strong.

Try to think logically and in your interest, not his.

I have just re-read and seen you have 2 daughters...My opinion would still be the same. Get rid off and take him to the cleaners.

Knockout_91

I would never forgive someone who was unfaithful to me.

I would lose all respect for them.

CarMe

That is disgusting.
What advice would you give your daughters if they found themselves in this situation?

ABajaninCork

OP, you say you've been to marriage guidance - right? What excuse did your husband give for having an affair over half of your married life? And what efforts has he made to prove he is sorry and to work things out between you?

Was he a player before you got married? Has there been trust issues before?? Did he ever want to get married? What kind of father is he to his children??

I only ask because he's been having a long-tern affair without thought to you, your daughters and the vows he allegedly made. He's acting as though he's single and not showing any maturity at all. He's not sorry at all. He's only sorry he was caught.

Payton

summerlucey wrote: »

Hello,

Have any of you ever forgiven an unfaithful partner? I found out my husband had an affair for 18mths. It would probably still going on only for me finding out. I wish we could just go back to normal but i know i will never trust him again. We have two daughters and i just feel guilty (i know i shouldnt) for not giving them a 'normal' childhood. We are only married 3 years. We tried marriage counselling and he goes on how sorry he is etc but i just cant seem to get over it. I feel our whole marriage was a lie.

Hi OP, I know how you feel, the taughts that are going through your head, the taughts of him being with someone else, the constant questioning yourself and your actions. Remember you didn't cause this and it doesn't matter how sorry he is its not going to change things.
My personal opinion would be that your marriage is gone, your married 3 years and for half of that he has played away.
You need to plan your future, hard as it is but you need to move on.
Look after yourself, eat well, exercise as in walks, or swimming.
If you drink, abstain for a while as you need a clear head.
Surround yourself with family and friends (non judgemental friends).
If your having trouble sleeping seek help from your gp.
Seek counseling for yourself.
Seek legal advice also.
There are no easy answers to your post, and only you can find the answers but you will get through this and it might be long.
You will find an inner strength that you never taught you had that will drive you to where you want to be.
Best of luck.

nowyouresix

Yes, I forgave him, until he did it again, and again.
He's my ex-husband now.
Thankfully.

Best of luck

strandroad

summerlucey wrote: »

Hello,

Have any of you ever forgiven an unfaithful partner? I found out my husband had an affair for 18mths. It would probably still going on only for me finding out. I wish we could just go back to normal but i know i will never trust him again. We have two daughters and i just feel guilty (i know i shouldnt) for not giving them a 'normal' childhood. We are only married 3 years. We tried marriage counselling and he goes on how sorry he is etc but i just cant seem to get over it. I feel our whole marriage was a lie.

I have never been in such situation and in theory I would be willing to consider all options depending on the background.

Here, however, you have been married for three years and had two children - and he was having an affair for half of this time, parallel with the arrival of at least one baby. Sounds very, very wrong and callous to me. I am not surprised that you're feeling like it was all a lie.

I don't have any better advice to offer but just wanted to validate your feeling of being treated horribly.

summerlucey

Thank you all so much for your advice. Boards is all new to me. Its great to get advice from an outsider. From reading all your replies i feel like i should def run. I know your right and i hope to find the strength to do so. Hes still living in the house. He blames drink. He makes me feel sorry for him and i always do like a fool. Id be just afraid he'd do something stupid. Thanks for your help guys

ABajaninCork

summerlucey wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your advice. Boards is all new to me. Its great to get advice from an outsider. From reading all your replies i feel like i should def run. I know your right and i hope to find the strength to do so. Hes still living in the house. He blames drink. He makes me feel sorry for him and i always do like a fool. Id be just afraid he'd do something stupid. Thanks for your help guys

Ah here. STOP feeling sorry for him. It's high time you looked out for yourself and the kids now. Why are you buying the bullcrap excuse that it's the drink that make him cheat? It went on for 18 MONTHS!! is he saying he was permanently pissed in that time then??

He's supposed to be a man. Let him man the **** up and take care of business. Provide for his kids and that's it. He needs to go. Quick smart.

summerlucey

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Ah here. STOP feeling sorry for him. It's high time you looked out for yourself and the kids now. Why are you buying the bullcrap excuse that it's the drink that make him cheat? It went on for 18 MONTHS!! is he saying he was permanently pissed in that time then??

He's supposed to be a man. Let him man the **** up and take care of business. Provide for his kids and that's it. He needs to go. Quick smart.

You're so right thank you - i feel like an eejit now when you say it like that and rightly so! Id be the first to tell any of my friends to run - its so diff when you're actually in the situation.

rainbowtrout

summerlucey wrote: »

You're so right thank you - i feel like an eejit now when you say it like that and rightly so! Id be the first to tell any of my friends to run - its so diff when you're actually in the situation.

Cheating on you for 18 months of a three year marriage is not good. It might still be going on if you hadn't found out about it.

Has he made a concerted effort to change since you found out?
Do you still want to remain married to him (leave the kids out of it for a minute)?
I agree with the above post, he wasn't drunk for 18 months. Alcohol doesn't make a person have a sustained affair.

Did he cheat on you before you got married (that you know of)?

--LOS--

You feel your whole marriage was a lie.........well it was! That's blunt but that's the truth, I don't believe you could ever get over something like this in a relationship no matter how much you want to, you will just drive yourself crazy questioning everything, the only way to get past this is to get out, save yourself any more hurt.

summerlucey

you're all right in what your saying. Appreciate your advice. I know now i need to get out of this hole i am stuck in. Thank you

ash23

OP, you poor thing. How unbelievably horrific for you to find out something like that. It really is unforgivable for it to be carrying on that long. Once may be a mistake but for that length of time......that's not a mistake really.

Be strong for your girls. I know it must feel like the world is going to end (been there). The road ahead of you is not an easy one. I hope you have friends and family who can support you through it.

Best of luck OP. You deserve so much better.

aidan24326

Its Behind You! wrote: »

Married 3 years and having affair for 18 months?!!

Thankfully I've never been in that position at all.

Sorry to be blunt I'd get rid of asap.

You must be devestated. IMO he'll do it again. Get legal advice. Be strong.

Try to think logically and in your interest, not his.

I have just re-read and seen you have 2 daughters...My opinion would still be the same. take him to the cleaners.

Why do so many women always have to bring it back to this? She should probably get rid of him yes, but just do what's right for their two girls after that. Split things equitably amd make sure he contributes towards the kids. Why should she try to 'take him to the cleaners' ? OP, get a fair deal and then cut him out of your life save for what's necessary in terms of the kids. Seeking revenge doesn't get you anywhere.

fungun

over a page of replies and no one has thought it necessary to get any background info before rushing to judge????

Listen OP, its your decision, no one elses. You need to look at what was going on and see if you could move on from it or not. I do agree with most people that in this case the answer is likely to be no. But if there were circumstances such as drink/young kids/no time for intimacy that meant your relationship was in a hole and you feel you can understand what he did, and make sure you are never there again - then maybe there is hope.

Daisy78

Op I don't really understand how your husband is blaming alchol as the cause of all this....? If it was a one night stand maybe but 18 months for the love of god, he must think you are awful gullible altogether. And you are not the only one to suffer here either, there are two kids involved as well. I can't imagine how hurt you must feel right now. Maybe you have somewhere to stay with the kids, to give yourself a bit of time to think through how you approach this? Sometimes you need some space to think clearly. Have you any friends if family you could stay with?

summerlucey

Hello,

I dont mind living with him for now. We get on actually well for the girls sake. I dont like being in argument with people anyway so its easier for me this way. I know we need to sort things properly in the long run though. I wont be taking him to the cleaners - he is the father of my chldren and i will always care for him. I know myself i will never get over what he did nor could i ever trust him again so theres no hope of a relationship with us again. Its been a few weeks now so im improving every day. I dont believe he was unfaithful prior to this. He strayed when i was pregnant which if you ask me is even worse. Its not like there was no intimacy then coz there was but obviously not enough for him. You'd think he'd talk to me, i dont bite. Its done now anyway. Ive taken all your advice on board. Ive great friends and family so i know ill be okay. I know what i need to do. I just hope things dont get messy.

ABajaninCork

summerlucey wrote: »

Hello,

I dont mind living with him for now. We get on actually well for the girls sake. I dont like being in argument with people anyway so its easier for me this way. I know we need to sort things properly in the long run though. I wont be taking him to the cleaners - he is the father of my chldren and i will always care for him. I know myself i will never get over what he did nor could i ever trust him again so theres no hope of a relationship with us again. Its been a few weeks now so im improving every day. I dont believe he was unfaithful prior to this. He strayed when i was pregnant which if you ask me is even worse. Its not like there was no intimacy then coz there was but obviously not enough for him. You'd think he'd talk to me, i dont bite. Its done now anyway. Ive taken all your advice on board. Ive great friends and family so i know ill be okay. I know what i need to do. I just hope things dont get messy.

This bit stood out to me. I am so sorry for you and the girls, but TBH I think he's been doing this from the get go. These are only the times you've caught him.

FWIW I think you're doing the right thing by not taking him to the cleaner's. All you want and need is for him to provide for his family. But I don't think it's helping matters by having him under the same roof. Think of your girls. Children are a lot more sensitive than we allow, and they're bound to pick up things aren't right even if you're not arguing, you're not talking either. Is there a mortgage? You need to make firm arrangements to ensure he pays his share of that and the bills.

It's great that your family and friends are there to support you. You're gonna need them!

Lots of luck and strength.

a posse ad esse

Time apart is the best advice as stated by previous posters. Your husband needs to be the one leaving the home to not disrupt your daughters' routine. He is the one that screwed things up-why should you be the one leaving and taking your daughters away from the comfort of their home? I would ask him to leave to be honest and go stay at a friend's or his parents' place for a while so you both can clear your heads. Meet for couples counselling either to mend this relationship or properly go your separate ways. Drink is a deplorable excuse for anything and don't accept that. Ask him for the real reason and full truth even if it may hurt you. He owes you the truth because quite frankly he is the one that is ruining the lives of your daughters and you.

summerlucey

a posse ad esse wrote: »

Time apart is the best advice as stated by previous posters. Your husband needs to be the one leaving the home to not disrupt your daughters' routine. He is the one that screwed things up-why should you be the one leaving and taking your daughters away from the comfort of their home? I would ask him to leave to be honest and go stay at a friend's or his parents' place for a while so you both can clear your heads. Meet for couples counselling either to mend this relationship or properly go your separate ways. Drink is a deplorable excuse for anything and don't accept that. Ask him for the real reason and full truth even if it may hurt you. He owes you the truth because quite frankly he is the one that is ruining the lives of your daughters and you.

Tried counselling and it didnt work. I dont accept drink as an excuse coz it wasnt a once off. I dont really care what excuse he gives really coz its not gonna change what happened and no excuse in the world would condone what he did to our family.

ABajaninCork

summerlucey wrote: »

Tried counselling and it didnt work. I dont accept drink as an excuse coz it wasnt a once off. I dont really care what excuse he gives really coz its not gonna change what happened and no excuse in the world would condone what he did to our family.

I do agree that there seems to be no way back from this. But one thing I urge you to do ASAP is to seek legal advice. Next thing to do is to tell him to leave. He can move in with friends/family, and I assume there'll be no problem with him seeing the girls so he can make suitable arrangements with you for access.

Lots of luck!

Its Behind You!

aidan24326 wrote: »

Why do so many women always have to bring it back to this? She should probably get rid of him yes, but just do what's right for their two girls after that. Split things equitably amd make sure he contributes towards the kids. Why should she try to 'take him to the cleaners' ? OP, get a fair deal and then cut him out of your life save for what's necessary in terms of the kids. Seeking revenge doesn't get you anywhere.

@Aidan: Summerlucey was seeking some opinions as to her personal circumstances. I don't think it is fair to use her thread as a forum for making broad generalisations Quote: Why do so many women always have to bring it back to this?

When I said take him to the cleaners, I meant that if Summerlucey does have to go for a legal separation/divorce, that she makes sure that she and her children get everything that they are entitled to.

Revenge? Who said anything about seeking revenge? Another unhelpful generalisation in my opinion.

ash23

I agree that there is no point turning this into a bitter battle OP. You are right to be as civil as you can for the sake of the children. However, do prepare yourself for the anger.
It will come from both sides amazingly enough. Once the numbness and shock wear off you, the anger will hit and it will knock you for six. You will have to bite your tongue so hard every time he opens his mouth.

He will most likely get angry too, hopefully at himself, but he may aim it in your direction also. If he moves out he will be angry and ashamed at how his life has turned out and he will blame himself but if he's the type who can't hack taking a long hard look at himself, he may begin blaming you.

Anger is a normal stage of a breakup and it takes a very strong person to be able to keep things civil once that anger hits.

Do your family know what's happening OP? Your friends?

It's so hard to tell people but honestly, the only thing that got me through my relationship ending was the support from my family and friends so I really hope you have some people who will be there for you and be strong for you. Just take it one day at a time and don't rush anything. Go with what feels right for you and your daughters.

tinkerbell

Oh dear OP, your marriage is well and truly over. To say that (a) he cheated on you for 18 months of a 3 year marriage, (b) he blames drink for it, he doesn't care about you. People can try and blame drink for a drunken fumble (which IMO is no excuse either) but an entire affair for a year and a half? He must think you are a total idiot and that he'd hope you fall for that. It's all lies. And also that he cheated on you for so long after a marriage so short. Whatever happened to newlywedded bliss? After a year and a half of taking your vows he jumped into another woman's bed.

OP, be honest with yourself - he's most likely done this before. The marriage is over. Be civil for your kids sake but be strong for yourself. Good luck.

Ando's Saggy Bottom

summerlucey wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your advice. Boards is all new to me. Its great to get advice from an outsider. From reading all your replies i feel like i should def run. I know your right and i hope to find the strength to do so. Hes still living in the house. He blames drink. He makes me feel sorry for him and i always do like a fool. Id be just afraid he'd do something stupid. Thanks for your help guys

Drink might maybe might explain a one off one-night stand.

But how does it explain an 18 month affair? Was he locked for a year and a half straight and didn't know what he was at? Pull the other one.

eviltwin

Not sure if its been mentioned yet but get yourself checked out for STD's as well OP, best of luck xx

summerlucey

Thank you all again.. Yes my family and friends know and they are great. Ive been to the Doctor also to get checked out. Just waiting on hopefully clear results! I said before that no i dont accept alcohol as an excuse for an 18mth affair. Iam going to get him to move out and hopefully we will separate amicably.

Taltos

aidan24326 & Its Behind You!

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Thanks
Taltos