At the end of the road.. don't know where to turn.

LegacyUser

Basically this is going to be a little bit of a rant but seeing as I literally have no idea where to turn I just hope somebody will read this and be able to offer me some advice.

I'm female, 18 years old and recently started college. I worked extremely hard for my leaving cert and got the course I wanted and I thought my life was turning a corner and I could leave my old self behind. That was not the case.

I've been struggling with binge eating disorder for about a year now, I went to a counselor for about 2 months and although things have improved they are nowhere near perfect, I seem to have gone from binging to just overeating. I stopped seeing the counselor as my parents said they can't afford it any more and they said they didn't think it was worth it as they weren't seeing much improvement. (not looking for medical advice btw just giving some background). But now my mum is constantly on my back about losing weight and eating healthy, she is always nagging me and every time I eat a biscuit she looks at me and when I catch her eye she looks away. When I put on a dress to go out she almost looks me up and down as if to say 'you need to lose weight' she is constantly pointing out whenever I binge or overeat that 'You do know people realise you are putting on weight, you can't pretend it's not happening, people know to look at you that you aren't eating normally'. This kind of thing does not help me in the slightest. It makes me feel terrible about myself as I know in the back of my mind its true and because my mum says this I feel like everyone else around me is judging me like this.

I've lost any confidence I ever had and I can't even bring myself to look for a part time job (which she is also nagging me constantly about). I just think to myself, 'why would anyone ever employ me? I can't do anything right'. I just feel so terrible about myself and I don;t know what to do.

More professional help isn't an option because my parents can't/won't afford it. And I've tried speaking to my mum about this but she just keeps saying that she's only trying to help me and things change for about a week and then go back to how they were.

Also whenever I binge my mum points it out in front of me and says stuff like 'I counted the biscuits last night so I know you've had 5', she's always watching me and monitoring what I'm eating... basically it is driving me insane. I can't recover from an eating disorder with her acting like this, it makes me angry, resentful and humiliated. But if I confront her she just sighs and looks exasperated and says something along the lings of 'Look, I don't know what to do any more, this seems like my only option'.

I just want to state again that this has nothing to do with medical advice, I just would like some advice. This is seriously affecting me and I NEED it to improve as I feel like my life is drifting by and I'm not actually living it.

Thank you so much if you read this whole thing and thank you even more if you take the time to reply.

Neyite

Your mother sounds like your biggest roadblock in your return to good health. Even without an eating disorder, that kind of monitoring is impossible to shrug off - I think you are stronger in your mind than you realise because I would have lost my temper with her ages ago from what you describe.

Can you see a counsellor at college? Maybe the college knows of cheap or free counselling that you could benefit from - you DID see an improvement before you stopped going so it might be no harm to contact the counsellor and let them know your parents have pulled the funding for it they may be able to offer a reduction.

If you do get counselling, then if you continue to live at home, I think your mother needs to attend the counsellor herself to gain an understanding of your problem- maybe a few sessions, when appropriate, where the counsellor could explain how best to help you with practical support. If she wont go, then seriously consider moving out as you are not getting the support you need right now.

Coming up to Christmas, there will be a few part time jobs around. What to do is set yourself a goal just to apply for a set number per week, maybe 5. Don't even think about who would hire you or whatever. Just apply and make a note of where you applied and the job description in a little diary then put it out of your mind entirely. I applied to hundreds of jobs and only got a handful of correspondence back, and I think, 2 interviews. So dont let the lack of replies get you down, that's just the nature of the process.

Dingle_berry

Well done on getting through the leaving and in to college. Keep working at it, it will all pay off.
All of the bigger colleges/universities have counsellors available to students for free or at a very reduced price. If not they also have funds available for students going through tough times. Talk to someone you feel comfortable with, a students union rep or lecturer. If in the unlikely event that doesn't work contact your counsellor and try to negotiate a reduced fee.

While your mother isn't helping keep in mind that she is concerned for you and showing it in the only way she knows.

Have you tried keeping a log of your emotions and diet? I don't mean calorie counting, just how you felt, what you did and what you ate. It could help you, or a counsellor, identify patterns.
You could also look for information on a practise called Mindfulness. It has many applications such as stress reduction but it could help you control your habits too.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Have you looked at the Bodywhys website? They have a helpline and might be able to give you advice on dealing with your mother as well as find other support. They've a free booklet on binge eating that I found helpful, as well as a list of other resources.

Dingle_berry has an excellent idea with a diary to record your thoughts and feelings when you eat. For many of us it's not about hunger or food so much as emotions, perhaps your counselor had already begun exploring that with you. It does help sometimes to find triggers.

I am sure your mother has the best of intentions, but from what you've said here she is making things MUCH worse for you. Beginning college this year is a big change, and her watching every bite you take can only be adding to your stress. I think she needs to speak to an eating disorder counsellor to learn how counterproductive her actions are. People who don't struggle with food really can't understand what it's like, but she needs to learn how harmful her current approach is. Overcoming Overeating might be a good book for her to read.

You've done incredibly well already to move away from binging to overeating, best wishes with your journey!