I need to talk.

LegacyUser

Im am so lonely , I don't even know where to start. I have had a relationship for the fast few years with a lovely man, I love him dearly and for most of that time it has been wonderful. The past couple of months haven't been though.

He is bipolar, I understand a lot about this, I have been severely depressed myself so am not unaware of how this makes a person feel. This has always been an important thing in making our relationship work but lately is has become very difficult. He never wants to see me, always says it isn't anything to do with me, that it his him. I feel shut out, I feel that he does not want me around, that he does not want to be in this relationship anymore. I have asked him this, given him the choice, Im not one to sit an cling to something that is not going to work. But he says he does want to be in it, that he loves me, that he is just going through a very long period of feeling low.

I don't even know why im posting this. I suppose I can't help wondering what is it like to be inside his mind, does he mean any of the above ? how does someone who suffers from this dark depression see how if effects the other people in their life's, so they really care. Im not trying to be the victim here, Its just bringing me down so much lately that I don't know if I can go on anymore. Then when I think of leaving, I get scared for so many reasons. I do love him, Im afraid that if I voice too strongly how I feel that he might do something dangerous, I couldn't live with that.

Will this pass? Should I move on, I am so confused. I had a bad marriage for many years and that ending was nearly the end of me , I don't know if I can do this all over again. I feel so down, lonely , depressed and confused tonight.

I really don't know why I've posted, just need to talk to someone.

Neyite

Don't give medical advice people. However sharing experiences is fine

uck51js9zml2yt

I've first hand experience of bi-polar but like you cant say whats in his mind.

Does he see a physiologist on a regular basis, if not then he should. Its vital for his own well being as they will be able to spot things which even family members might miss.

If he's not availing of mental health services, he should at least be seeing his gp. Have you spoken to any of his family about whats happening?Maybe they could advise.

As regards your situation, you need to look after yourself in this and make sure you're not dragged down by what he's going through.

Sorry I cant be of more help.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your reply, you are right, I have to look after myself, its just so difficult right now, I can't see a way forward. He does take his meds but is not seeing a physchologist, when he was they were inconsistent as due to health services he was seeing a different one each time, it seemed to be of no help at all.

As for family, he has a lovely family, they are really nice people but I don't think they truly understand the effects this illness has on him, I think they see it as being a little bit down and being able to pull yourself together, its a very old fashioned point of view.

I am kind of floored tonight by the effect it is having on me to be honest, its so hard when you care about someone so much and don't seem to be of any help whatsoever.

This sound really mean and I really don't mean it the way it sounds but with him lately it just all me me me , I understand bipolar, but at some stage through the hell is must be, he has to have some concept of how it can effect other people and learn to be around others when feeling this way, albeit in a quiet way, Im not expecting party central , just to be in each others company, have a cup of tea and keep each other going through life. But i am locked out. You cannot have a relationship on those terms, something will give and it seems its me. I can feel the familiar feeling of my own depression coming back at me tonight, not feeling good at all. Anyway, thank you for your reply, sorry for waffling on, have no one to talk to so suppose im talking to myself in a way.

RossFixxxed

If you were to be really blunt and honest would you say you want out of the relationship?

Are you staying out of a sense of duty or guilt?

Do you see yourself with him in 10 years? 30?

I don't want to seem harsh but I want to know what you want, and what side of the fence you are on. You have to look after yourself too in all this. It is a very hard situation and you have my sympathies.

LegacyUser

I can understand where you are coming from Rosefixxed, and I have asked myself that question many times, but the truth is, I really love this person and I don want to be with him. Overall its the happiest relationship I have ever been in and Im in my 40's so I have been around the block a few times !

I have to find ways to cope I guess, I do understand this illness, really, but understanding and living with it are two different things. Thats the thing about people who are in relationships with someone who has this, they find it hard to say, " well , this is difficult for me too " because the emphasis is always on the one who has to deal with it.

We have talked recently and will have to work on this whole thing of me being shut out. I know its not going to be a hayride, but , if you really love someone, you have to take all aspects of the relationship as they come. Im self counselling now !

It would be nice if there were some sort of support network for partners of people with depression and bipolar.

RossFixxxed

Would he attend a mental health service? They may point you in the right direction, and depending on them and on him, you may be able to take a more active role in his treatment.

There are support services for families / partners but unfortunately I can't look them up on the work network. Try the HSE as a first port of call.

I think that perhaps a more structured approach may help you both. A regular appointment with a professional on a semi regular basis with 'homework' for you guys to work on. Keep at it, and I think keep the professionals involved with all this. They are the only ones really qualified to deal with something serious like this.

LegacyUser

"Aware" have excellent support groups for partners / family members of people suffering from depression. It can be lonely and bewildering when someone you love is depressed and pushes you away. You need support and to look after yourself. And remember "This too shall pass" and your partner will recover, and will appreciate you hanging in there.

LegacyUser

Thanks littleway, will hang in there, you are right, it will pass, just a struggle at the moment.Appreciate your post.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you had any counselling yourself? As in counselling for living with someone with depression.

It is a lonely place to be, being in a relationship with someone who suffers. Much as you try to be understanding, it becomes very difficult to not take it personally after a while.

It will pass, but he needs to make sure that he is doing everything he can to get better. Anything else just isn't fair when there is someone else (you!) deeply involved too.