Father Issues (I Think?)

LegacyUser

I'm 18, in sixth year. When I was little, my father left myself and my Mam. I don't know anything much about him and I don't want to. My Mam isn't always the nicest to me and makes me feel like she hates me. To say the least, I've not always got great parental support.

I've heard recently that father issues are the reason that some girls fall for older men, and I'd noticed before that a lot of the guys I like are between 7 to 14 years older than me. I don't generally find guys my age attractive, except the ones on tv who are only two or three years older than me. Even with my friend who I know is perfect for me - he won't abandon me, I feel safe around him, and we are forever making each other laugh - I just don't have a desire to get with him, although I remember once I did *very* almost kiss him (we were left alone for a minute in a small room together beside each other, hard to resist!)

My other problem is with my History teacher, who I always feel like I'm seeking for his approval. He's one of my favourite teachers, of my favourite subject, and if he says I did well in a test, generally it makes me feel much better about myself. I just feel like I'm constantly trying to impress him. I find it really upsetting that he loves my two best friends the most out of the class. I'd be his third - fifth favourite out of a class of 10. I work so hard at the subject to try do well, and it feels like he recognises everyone else's efforts except mine (and except the girls who always fail), even though I do work the hardest and always get the highest result (I study the most and generally get 8-10% higher than my best friend who always gets the second highest). When I answer something wrong in class, I want the world to swallow me whole because he looks at me with a disappointed look as if its like "have you understood anything I've said?" I just feel like I'm constantly working just to get a "well done," but even in my last test he had a talk with me about how I'm doing better than expected and my work is paying off, but I after praising me I didn't feel very fulfilled with it.

Are these father issues or something else?

P.S. I also have slight (my friends say big, I say slight) anxiety/confidence issues, but if I go into the specifics I'll be completely given away I'd imagine.

edellc

OP I really dont think any of these are father issues tbh...I think the reason why you like men that bit older is to do with the authority and togetherness they have..I was the same at your age in real life I only wanted to date and fancied men that where a number of years older than me as unlike the boys my age they had jobs and/or careers, their own place to live, their own cash and seemed to have their sh*t together rather than acting like an idiot...however its not always greener on the other side, they also expect more from a relationship both physically and mentally and you may be old as in age wise enough but you may not be there mentally. So try stop being in a rush to grow up...next year you head off to college and its a completely different ball game believe me.

As for your friend I dont understand why he is "perfect for you" as you say you are not into him so this statements sounds very selfish to me as you are only considering you and not him...you are not perfect for him but yet you would consider using him for the minute as its what you think you need...by doing this OP and playing games as in "nearly kissing" him and sending out signals that you like him in that way, you are going to hurt him and tbh thats not how a friend behaves. So try stopping be so self absorbed on this and think how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

Everyone has a crush at some stage on a teacher its normal and natural, however you seem to have let your feelings consume you a bit too much... realistically your teacher doesn't have favourites his goal is to get you all through your leaving cert and achieve the grades so you can all go off to college in September. Yes he is more engaged with those who participate more in class thats just normal behaviour. How do you know you study the most? you dont unless you live with all 9 of your class mates so stop comparing yourself and presuming you do more..I know they may say they never open a book at home but believe me that's one big fat lie, they do and I bet they study just as hard as you but don't feel the need to advertise it to everyone. Just because you get better grades doesnt mean they dont study just as hard OP you just may be better at retaining the information and putting it on paper in a test.

Maybe the reason why you teacher is disappointed when you answer wrong is because he expects a lot of you, considering you get the highest grades in your class...however everyone gets stuff wrong thats life and no one is prefect and school is about learning and in order to learn we make mistakes so dont let this stop you from raising your hand and giving it a go at answering questions.

AS for your mam OP, our relationship with our parents change over time, when we are babies/toddlers and children they are our caregiver, nurse, cook, cleaner and someone we confide in...however as we enter into teenage years we see them as out of touch with everything and such an embarrassment and most dont see eye to eye, and in adulthood most of us become friends with our parents Your have had a single mother who raised you alone with no help, raising a child is the hardest job in the world normally but to do it alone makes it even harder, obviously it hasnt all been sweetness and light but thats life and life is hard and harsh sometimes but guess what she never left you, ever. She is and always will be there for you and didnt run off when the going was tough so give her a break OP, come the end of June your free to leave if you dont like it as by then her job is done.

Roisy7

TheOriginalPoster wrote: »

I'm 18, in sixth year. When I was little, my father left myself and my Mam. I don't know anything much about him and I don't want to. My Mam isn't always the nicest to me and makes me feel like she hates me. To say the least, I've not always got great parental support.

I've heard recently that father issues are the reason that some girls fall for older men, and I'd noticed before that a lot of the guys I like are between 7 to 14 years older than me. I don't generally find guys my age attractive, except the ones on tv who are only two or three years older than me. Even with my friend who I know is perfect for me - he won't abandon me, I feel safe around him, and we are forever making each other laugh - I just don't have a desire to get with him, although I remember once I did *very* almost kiss him (we were left alone for a minute in a small room together beside each other, hard to resist!)

My other problem is with my History teacher, who I always feel like I'm seeking for his approval. He's one of my favourite teachers, of my favourite subject, and if he says I did well in a test, generally it makes me feel much better about myself. I just feel like I'm constantly trying to impress him. I find it really upsetting that he loves my two best friends the most out of the class. I'd be his third - fifth favourite out of a class of 10. I work so hard at the subject to try do well, and it feels like he recognises everyone else's efforts except mine (and except the girls who always fail), even though I do work the hardest and always get the highest result (I study the most and generally get 8-10% higher than my best friend who always gets the second highest). When I answer something wrong in class, I want the world to swallow me whole because he looks at me with a disappointed look as if its like "have you understood anything I've said?" I just feel like I'm constantly working just to get a "well done," but even in my last test he had a talk with me about how I'm doing better than expected and my work is paying off, but I after praising me I didn't feel very fulfilled with it.

Are these father issues or something else?

P.S. I also have slight (my friends say big, I say slight) anxiety/confidence issues, but if I go into the specifics I'll be completely given away I'd imagine.

OK OP.

You sound like you've read up a lot on various psychological things but in my opinion, each human being is not a textbook case.

I have a dislike of psychology that says because you grew up in a "broken home" (how I hate that term!) you must be this, you must be that. I think if you have seen an example of a working relationship be it grandparents or whatever, you'll be ok.

So do you have daddy issues?! I don't know. A lot of women do, but not all who grow up with the absence of a father do.

But let's get one thing straight. Your issues are not you, and they are not an excuse or justification for current or future behaviour.

Take for example your friend. To me it seems you simply don't fancy him, rather than some deep-seated issues. A word of advice. If you don't want any more from him, don't give him false hope. It's not fair. It's actually cruel.

As for your history teacher. He's a professional and thank goodness he is. I imagine that male teachers in all-girls schools have a certain immunity built-up against the attentions of young girls. I know that sounds harsh but if he's even halfway attractive and young you will not have been the first girl to get a crush on him. I think you have built this man up way too much in your head. I think in fact you have built all of this built up way too much in your head to escape other parts of your life.

You haven't really given an indication of how your relationship is with your mam. I don't want to pry but unless she is really abusive and nasty is it possible you are being hard on her? Life has been hard for her. Raising a child alone is extremely difficult. Take a moment to put yourself in her shoes.

As for the attraction to older men. I have never really understood this but as edellc says it's maybe because they seem better adjusted and so on? I would also be extremely careful with some older men in your position. A 30 or 40 year old man willing to go out with an 18 year old is not the most trustworthy of individuals in my opinion.

I really hope this post hasn't come across overly harsh. It's not meant to be. I think you should listen to your friends and address your confidence issues- and yes, maybe father issues- in the appropriate setting rather than self-analysing using pop psychology.

Good luck in the Leaving and I hope life gets better for you soon x