Vasectomy causing anger & resentment

gemini_girl

I'm hoping somone else has been through this. My husband & I are together 11 yrs & married 8 yrs. We have 2 sons aged 4 yrs & 2 yrs. Briefly, when we met I told him I wanted 3 or 4 children, a big family. Ive wanted to be a mom to a house full of kids since I was a child. It took 6 years of infertility before we finally had our first son & 2 more years to have our 2nd son. The week son 2 was born hubby lost his job. He found it hard being home all day & our son had colic & a milk allergy so first 3 months were extremely hard. Husband became depressed & started saying no way was he having more kids. I was floored because it was so unexpected. We talked & talked & nothing i said would change his mind. He eventually went to his gp who put him on antidepressants & his mood improved but he still said no more kids & he was getting vasectomy. I was very upset as I felt I wouldve focused more on my pregnancy & tried harder to breastfeed (had mahor problems & gave up) but i thought id have the next baby that i could breast feed & enjoy feeling baby growing inside me etc. Anyway we were fighting alot over it. I offered to get coil in so we wouldnt have to think about another baby for 5 yrs (we are both 32 so still young enough then) but he said it didnt matter he was getting vasectomy. He said then if I got pregnant he would leave so id no choice but to agree to the consent for vasectomy. The night before he reminded me he would never ever ever want another baby. Next day he got the vasectomy (exactly 12 months ago). My world has been turned upside down. ive put on 2 stone, im on antidepressants & i am so angry & resentful towards him now. All my friends have went on to have their 3rd baby this yr (6 of them!) the last was born yesterday & i feel like im loosing my mind at this stage. Ive asked husband to go to councilling but he said i am the one with the issue. He knows im in bits over not being able to have the family i thought we'd have. Ive asked him to get a reversal but he said no way. This is causing major problems in our marraige & I fear we'll end up splitting if we cant sort it out. How do I get over this & accept I'm not having another baby ... Any advice please?

woodchuck

I'm not sure if what I'm going to say is going to help or not... but unfortunately this is something that can be resolved with a compromise. Either you both have another baby of you don't! This is really something that you both should've discussed and decided together before he had the vasectomy.

BUT... you HAVE two children. I understand that you wanted more... but why can't you be happy with the two that you have? I could understand if you had none. Or maybe even if you only had one (if you wanted your child to have a sibling). But you have TWO and they have each other. To be honest I don't think you husband is unreasonable to want to stop at two considering everything you've both been through.

If you did have another child with him, do you want it to be because you essentially 'nagged' him into it? Wouldn't you prefer that he's a good father to the children has, instead of wondering if he has feelings of resentment (towards you and/or the baby) if another comes along?

Kimia

WhiteTiger wrote: »

The week son 2 was born hubby lost his job. He found it hard being home all day & our son had colic & a milk allergy so first 3 months were extremely hard. Husband became depressed & started saying no way was he having more kids. I was floored because it was so unexpected.

Floored? Unexpected? Really? Surely you noticed that with your husband losing his job and becoming more and more depressed that he wouldn't immediately welcome the thoughts of another mouth to feed.

WhiteTiger wrote: »

We talked & talked & nothing i said would change his mind.

Then clearly you weren't talking - you were trying to change his mind. Not helpful and I'm not surprised you couldn't move him.

WhiteTiger wrote: »

He eventually went to his gp who put him on antidepressants & his mood improved but he still said no more kids & he was getting vasectomy. I was very upset as I felt I wouldve focused more on my pregnancy & tried harder to breastfeed (had mahor problems & gave up) but i thought id have the next baby that i could breast feed & enjoy feeling baby growing inside me etc.

Read this again - you were very upset. It's all about you. You would have 'focused more on the pregnancy' - no wonder your husband didn't want another child, maybe he wanted his wife's support during his difficult and depressing time, and not for you to ignore him and enjoy feeling pregnant.

WhiteTiger wrote: »

Anyway we were fighting alot over it. I offered to get coil in so we wouldnt have to think about another baby for 5 yrs (we are both 32 so still young enough then) but he said it didnt matter he was getting vasectomy. He said then if I got pregnant he would leave so id no choice but to agree to the consent for vasectomy. The night before he reminded me he would never ever ever want another baby. Next day he got the vasectomy (exactly 12 months ago). My world has been turned upside down. ive put on 2 stone, im on antidepressants & i am so angry & resentful towards him now. All my friends have went on to have their 3rd baby this yr (6 of them!) the last was born yesterday & i feel like im loosing my mind at this stage. Ive asked husband to go to councilling but he said i am the one with the issue. He knows im in bits over not being able to have the family i thought we'd have. Ive asked him to get a reversal but he said no way. This is causing major problems in our marraige & I fear we'll end up splitting if we cant sort it out. How do I get over this & accept I'm not having another baby ... Any advice please?

I think you're being incredibly selfish. You already have two children and a husband who sounds like he desperately needs your support. Your husband is right, you are the one with the issue. It's breathtaking how you have focused all on your needs and wants and nothing about your husbands.

OP your husband is well within his rights to say no. He's also right about the counselling, you're the one with the issue.

Children might be hard work, but having them is a luxury, not a right. If your husband doesn't want any more then you'll either have to stick with the children you have already, or consider having children with someone else. It's harsh but true.

In addition, I don't think that another child should be your priority right now. You said that due to this issue you've put on 2 stone, you're on antidepressants, and you're angry and resentful towards your children's father. Do you not think that this might be damaging to the children you have already? It's great that you've sought help and you're aware of the issue, but maybe you should be focusing on what you have rather than what you don't?

castle

Sorry that you are sad, but we all say alot of things b4 we get married and if 1/2 come true then we would be doing well, We where in similar to you had 3 kids and a few years later OH half wanted more our youngest was now 5 at the time about 4 years back.I just did not want to have anymore and OH did but you cant bring a child into this world without both wanting it, so I think you should be happy with your 2 super kids and be nice to your hubby and in turn he will be nice to you. Try take care of yourself and if you keep putting weigh on it will be very hard to lose,
Life is hard out there and the more kids you have the harder it will be with college fee's coming in and everything getting more expensive, It is always easy to think the grass is greener elsewhere and not been happy with what you have, your job as a Mother the nucleus of the family is to make sure you and Hubby stay together and find that spark that made you a perfect couple to be super parents to the super kids you have, it might look bleak now but love will help you through this , best of luck

Lorna123

I can understand how you feel OP, the motherly instinct can be very strong. You did tell your husband that you wanted a large family before you both got married and he agreed so in effect he has now changed his mind, which you feel is unfair on you.

Now in the meantime his circumstances have changed and he has lost his job which would be a major feeling of insecurity for him, and he probably feels that the more children he has the less he will be able to provide for them. That is understandable.

If you feel that you can well afford to have more children and your husband won't take part in it then that is different.

I just feel OP that this problem will get bigger the older you get and as you are coming to the end of your fertility you will feel it all the more.
If you really want more children more than you want your husband then you have no alternative but to leave him, break up the family and try and find someone else who will facilitate this. It won't be easy.

The only other way you can come to terms with this is if your husband was a bit more sympathetic to your feelings. It appears he made this decision himself and told you what was going to happen and even when you objected he still went ahead anyway and that caused the resentment to build up in you. Had he been a bit kinder to you all of this might have worked.

Sorry OP I can't give you a satisfactory answer to your problem, I just sympathise with you and hope this can be resolved.

LegacyUser

How would you feel if your husband told you I am leaving you as I can no longer put up with your actions over the past 2 years?
If I was in your position I would be having a serious chat with your husband telling him that you are sorry for the way you acted over the past 2 years.
You may think it is great having 3 or 4 children like all your friends but the reality is that if you bring children into the world you should be in a position to afford to bring them up.
After losing his job your husband needed your support and help finding another job but instead he got I want another baby.

It is time for you to realise just what you have. You have a husband who stayed with you despite how you have treated him over the past two years and 2 health children.
At this stage I would start to work on improving your marriage for both you and your husband along with your children.
I would also join a slimming club and lose the weight you have put on. When you start to eat healthy food you will feel better and have more energy.

gemini_girl

Thank you for all the replies. Just to clarify, my husband was in agreement to having a 3rd baby up until our 2nd son was born. There are other issues in our relationship too. Since i was pregnant on baby2 he has been gaming online. It was every night all night but now its only 4 nights a week. He went to canada for work for 2 months & is back 5 weeks. While he was gone I lost 16lbs & made a big effort to look good for him but when he got home he didnt even say i looked well, he went right back onto the computer & I'm left sitting on my own again. Im very lonely esp at night because he has all his online friends that he chats to all night & I have no one. All my own friends are busy in the evenings with their own families. He thinks i have the issue with his gaming. Generally he will be on from minute kids go to bed to 1 or 2 am. We have no sex life, he told me before he went to canada that on a scale of 1 to 10 he would give me a minus figure for my body & my attractiveness (im now a size 16 was always a 12), ive been in councilling myself for pnd & my low self esteem. Maybe the baby issue is because its all I had left to want in life. I just feel so sad & angry. I have taken my husband into consideration & i understand if he doesnt want more kids but i just dont know how to let go of something ive built up as happening for so long

Taltos

OP - his gaming isn't the issue here yet - he is using it as an escape. It does sound like he is starting to withdraw from your marriage through, maybe the pressure and stress has been too much for him as well.

Counselling for the two of you might be the best course of action as you both seem incapable of discussing this and seeing it from the others perspective. Failing that I think you both might have to prepare yourselves for the end of your marriage unless you make a real effort to work on it and save it.

Goat the dote

Ok I was basing this opinion on the first post, not what you've added. I was going to say that in reality it's too late, he's had the vasectomy so even if he changes his mind it's either never going to happen anyway or you'd have to look into vasectomy reversal (I know nothing about it but I'd imagine there's no guarantee it can be reversed).
In light of your recent post it seems like ye have other issues going on. Your dh appears to have some kind of issue with the gaming, is this gambling or one of the fantasy world yokes? Or neither? Anyway the fact that he's not coming to bed til 1 or so is worrying. It means ye have little communication.
Very cruel of him to tell you he'd give you a minus on figure. however less he finds you physically attractive he should still have enough love to think of your feelings.
10 days before I had my son (first baby) I weighed 16 st 3 pounds. That was August 2011. I know a stone to stone and half was baby but that's still nearly 15 stone for a short woman. I've worked so so hard and currently weigh 12 st 3. At no stage did our sex life suffer (surprisingly-looking back on pictures I was an absolute whale.)
I also have crippling depression. (I'm surprised he hasn't left me).
I do think there's more issues going on but the "baby" has just been fixated upon as the reason/cause.
I think you should seek counselling yourself for you. By all means encourage your dh to join you.
What do you see/hope for your future? Can you see the relationship getting back on track? If so it will require help from your dh to do that. If you want it to work I hope he is wanting the same. Does he think if you lose the extra weight that all the issues magically disappear?

gemini_girl

Thanks taltos, you may be right. I love my husband so much & dont want us to break up. Its not easy him being out of work for best part of 2 years with exception of 2 months he spent in canada. We bicker alot about the kids & the house etc, he does nothing & everything is left to me, im also childminding to bring in some extra money so theres alot going on really. Im going to try & talk to him properly this evening. He wouldnt get up this morning cos our 2 yr old was sick last night (i had to drive him to south doc) but hubby is too tired now even though ive a migraine myself for 2 days. I feel he is withdrawing & leaving everything to me ... Ah head is melted.

Jack B. Badd

WhiteTiger wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies. Just to clarify, my husband was in agreement to having a 3rd baby up until our 2nd son was born. There are other issues in our relationship too. Since i was pregnant on baby2 he has been gaming online. It was every night all night but now its only 4 nights a week. He went to canada for work for 2 months & is back 5 weeks. While he was gone I lost 16lbs & made a big effort to look good for him but when he got home he didnt even say i looked well, he went right back onto the computer & I'm left sitting on my own again. Im very lonely esp at night because he has all his online friends that he chats to all night & I have no one. All my own friends are busy in the evenings with their own families. He thinks i have the issue with his gaming. Generally he will be on from minute kids go to bed to 1 or 2 am. We have no sex life, he told me before he went to canada that on a scale of 1 to 10 he would give me a minus figure for my body & my attractiveness (im now a size 16 was always a 12), ive been in councilling myself for pnd & my low self esteem. Maybe the baby issue is because its all I had left to want in life. I just feel so sad & angry. I have taken my husband into consideration & i understand if he doesnt want more kids but i just dont know how to let go of something ive built up as happening for so long

Why would you want to bring more children into this environment? It sounds horrible tbh. You both sound like you're suffering from depression, there's a lack of communication & respect in your marriage & I think the best move would be to seek counselling, individually & as a couple, rather than trying to one-up each other (your post comes across as this tbh - "I win because look how bad he is!").

I was sterilised this past year & one thing both my GP & the clinic were very serious about was making sure that I was making an informed, well considered decision, not one based on emotion & certainly not at the time of a recent life change (e.g. lost job, miscarriage, TOP, end of relationship, etc) as making life-changing permanent decisions in these circumstances can cause regrets later on. I'm very surprised that your husband wasn't counselled against his procedure if he had recently lost his job & was depressed. That said, in the same circumstances, you two shouldn't be making a life-changing permanent decision to have another child either.

If I were you, I'd be seriously considering whether it's the best interests of a potential child to be brought into this situation & what is best for your existing family (including you & your husband) rather than just considering what you want.

gemini_girl

Thanks again, I realize i have been selfish in only thinking of what i want myself. The desire to have another baby is over whelming almost like a primitive instinct. I have to take a step back & look at the bigger picture. I think because we spent 8 yrs trying to get pregnant that im finding it hard not to want another baby. Dh was diagnosed with depression in sept & 8 weeks later had the vasectomy. I was surprised he wasnt quizzed. Now to be fair, i did sign the consent form but i was afraid if i accidently got pregnant dh would leave me. If id said no there would still be issues i think ...

Goat the dote

WhiteTiger wrote: »

Thanks again, I realize i have been selfish in only thinking of what i want myself. The desire to have another baby is over whelming almost like a primitive instinct. I have to take a step back & look at the bigger picture. I think because we spent 8 yrs trying to get pregnant that im finding it hard not to want another baby. Dh was diagnosed with depression in sept & 8 weeks later had the vasectomy. I was surprised he wasnt quizzed. Now to be fair, i did sign the consent form but i was afraid if i accidently got pregnant dh would leave me. If id said no there would still be issues i think ...

And how do you feel about the other issues?

Curry Addict

WhiteTiger wrote: »

ive been in councilling myself for pnd & my low self esteem.

in your second post you add this line, its reads as if its a by the way insignificant addition.
It makes me feel there is an awful lot to your situation that you dont realise how all this affects your husband. you need to understand what he has on his plate.
unemployed, 2 young children, wife has post natal depression and consumed by having another baby.
this is too much to bear for any man.

Dingle_berry

WhiteTiger wrote: »

... Any advice please?

Go see a registered psychotherapist. You shouldn't need a referral and there are a few in most towns. They are highly trained at helping people. If the depression is not caused by a biochemical issue drugs will only act as a plaster. A psychotherapist will help you deal with the depression and its causes. They will give you tools to either resolve things with your husband, somehow, or cope with the alternative. If you feel physically sick you go to a GP, so if you feel emotionally sick or unwell go to a psychotherapist.
It's very important that they are registered. Check psychotherapy-ireland.com/ It may seem like another expense but it will be worth it. Some therapists may negotiate rates.
Good luck

woodchuck

WhiteTiger wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies. Just to clarify, my husband was in agreement to having a 3rd baby up until our 2nd son was born. There are other issues in our relationship too. Since i was pregnant on baby2 he has been gaming online. It was every night all night but now its only 4 nights a week. He went to canada for work for 2 months & is back 5 weeks. While he was gone I lost 16lbs & made a big effort to look good for him but when he got home he didnt even say i looked well, he went right back onto the computer & I'm left sitting on my own again. Im very lonely esp at night because he has all his online friends that he chats to all night & I have no one. All my own friends are busy in the evenings with their own families. He thinks i have the issue with his gaming. Generally he will be on from minute kids go to bed to 1 or 2 am. We have no sex life, he told me before he went to canada that on a scale of 1 to 10 he would give me a minus figure for my body & my attractiveness (im now a size 16 was always a 12), ive been in councilling myself for pnd & my low self esteem. Maybe the baby issue is because its all I had left to want in life. I just feel so sad & angry. I have taken my husband into consideration & i understand if he doesnt want more kids but i just dont know how to let go of something ive built up as happening for so long

It sounds like your marriage is in serious trouble. Your first priority should be to fix it before you even consider having more children!!

Neyite

I think that your overwhelming desire for a baby has meant that you didnt see the shambles your marriage has become.

He is unemployed, depressed, does very little around the house, and told you that on a scale of 1 to 10 his attraction to you is in minus figures. :eek:

You have been unhappy, you have put on weight that you are not happy with, and also had post natal depression and are run ragged with the two that you have and trying to earn a little money by childminding.

It sounds like a very unhappy home at the moment - and the two children you DO have dont deserve that. Park the issue of the third child for the moment. Get counselling and work on mending your relationship. Work on communication. Work on being happy together.

You never know, down the line when you are over this unhappy time and he is working again he may be open to the idea of a third child. This might not happen, but while your home life is a mess, you have even less chance of convincing him.

strandroad

Curry Addict wrote: »

in your second post you add this line, its reads as if its a by the way insignificant addition.
It makes me feel there is an awful lot to your situation that you dont realise how all this affects your husband. you need to understand what he has on his plate.
unemployed, 2 young children, wife has post natal depression and consumed by having another baby.
this is too much to bear for any man.

I think you're unfair on the OP; she has an unemployed gambling husband who does norhing at home, humiliates her about her looks and makes life changing decisions against her will. Couple counselling seems to the only option to salvage the shambles it has all become.

gemini_girl

Ive asked him to talk tonight. Its not gambling, its online gaming, black ops ... I may have been harsh saying he does nothing, he does v little compared to me but he does do things like put out the bins & clean the fish

Big Bag of Chips

You two are both desperately unhappy. Is that what you wanted for your marriage? Is that what you imagined that day as you walked down the aisle and said your vows?

You've both lost each other somewhere along the way - and you both need to find a way back to each other now. The vasectomy aside for a moment, your relationship, as it stands now, is not the right place to be bringing a child into. And the two that are already there will be suffering as it is.

You are not 100% wrong in this situation - but neither is your husband. You both need to sit down and bring it back to basics. Do you love each other? Do you see yourselves still married in 30 years time when your kids are grown up and moved on? Do you (both) want to continue with the marriage?

You are both very angry with each other and need to try put that aside for the moment and figure out what happens next. It might mean that you split up - but it might mean that you both realise everything else has taken over, and in the middle of all that you have lost the most important thing.

Marriage counselling might help - but if you think it's not for you, you can achieve the same results at home by talking. You will hear things you don't like. You will say things he doesn't like. But the only way to get through this is to put it all out there. That way you both know where you stand, and can openly and honestly come to a decision about where to next.

movingsucks

WhiteTiger,
I'm so sorry to read of your troubles. I don't think it's fair that all the blame is being put back on you either, the fact he said he'd leave you and the kids if you got pregnant again doesn't exactly make him sound like father of the year does it!?
Anyway, clearly neither of you are happy, maybe so much effort went into the IVF he never really gave much thought to what the actual baby part would be like?
You can try talking to him, tell him to be honest but be prepared to hear things you don't want to hear (like being a minus rating on 1-10 apparently) and what does he think it will take for him to be happy and then decide if you are willing to do those things.
If he won't speak to you or go to couples counselling then there's not much you can do for him. What you can do is do things for yourself. Work on how you look for YOU not him, meet new friends, I know it's hard but try, take an evening class and if he won't mind the kids get in a baby sitter. I know you wanted to be a mammy at home but you are a person outside of that too.

DaisyD2

mhge wrote: »

I think you're unfair on the OP; she has an unemployed gambling husband who does norhing at home, humiliates her about her looks and makes life changing decisions against her will. Couple counselling seems to the only option to salvage the shambles it has all become.

& yet this is the scenario she "desperately" (obsessively to the detriment of all else) wants to bring not just 3rd but 4/5/6 children into?

OP - I have no motherly desires whatsoever so I'm not going to even try to pretend to know what goes on in a womans head regarding wanting more babies but I have known women like you. One women I worked with in particular really left a strong impression on me. She was obsessed with being pregnant, loved the feelings pregnancy & a growing child gave her & loved her children but imo she never gave her children any quality time because so much was always going on she never seemed to be enjoying life & hers was a happy marriage/partnership!!

You say yourself your marriage is in difficulty, you & your husband need to talk these issues out (issue of more children/reversing vasectomy should be parked as right now you have far bigger problems) & see how destructive your lives have become for the two children you are already so lucky to have. Preferably if you can afford it with an independent third party who can help you. You both need to work alone & together on fixing your lives in order to move forward & hopefully together

tinkerbell

OP, you need to look at it from our husband's point of view. He said after your 2nd kid that he didn't want anymore kids because things were so tough once 2nd kid came along with losing the job, colic baby, etc. However you refused to see his point of view so he did the only thing possible so that he could regain control of the situation by getting a vasectomy as presumably he didn't trust you (seems the only reason he would've done so with how your marriage was) as he prob thought you'd get pregnant again against his wishes. Your husband is there to be your life-long partner and a father to his kids. He is not some sperm donor and a marriage is not about holding a gun to someone's head to make them do what they don't want to do.

God OP, you already have 2 kids. If your husband doesn't want another, he is entitled to his opinion. Plenty of people in this world would love to have kids and can't have one, never mind two or three. It amazes me how you just don't care about your husband's feelings at all, all you care about is him giving you sperm! Since he got his vasectomy you've then put on 2 stone weight yet that doesn't even seem to be an issue really - are you that surprised when your husband says he no longer finds you attractive? Is that not something that would give you a wake up call and start doing something about it?

Your husband is depressed. You are his wife and you should be supporting him and helping him, through sickness and in health, remember your marriage vows, not throwing a hissy fit over him not giving you a third child that he does not want. Besides, even if he just gave in, how could you consider bringing a third child into the equation? Clearly you can't cope with 2 kids (emotionally and financially) nevermind 3 kids.

And also, stop comparing your marriage and number of kids to all your friends, it is completely irrelevant as it no doubt, makes your husband resent you more.

Chara1001

I agree your husband is entitled to his opinion as you are, but he's also entitled to change his mind. It sounds as though you're both utterly miserable. I think there are so many issues here that you have fixed on just one, maybe not wanting to see the whole picture in terms of how bad things are but bringing another child into this is a terrible idea- leave it aside for the moment.
The two of you need to talk so badly, work out what you both want in terms of your marriage and current children, don't even think about another now. In reading the post above, i think Tinkerbell might be right when she said your husband may have gotten a vasectomy because he didn't trust you with birth control. that's a very scary thought. Do you think its possible if that's the case, and might he have been correct?
I think you and your husband should talk to someone urgently- even get counselling separately as well as couples counseling. Your children are in an unhappy home and making them secure and happy is priority #1.
I don't think trying to sort it out without outside help will work- after all there's no compromise with one wanting a child and the other not, it either happens or it doesn't, and if you come to these kind of stalemates regularly you won't be able get through them. Horrible things have been said and communication sounds pretty bad anyway, so i think professional help would be a good idea
Best of luck

gemini_girl

Tinkerbell it took 6 years to get pregnant so theres not much chance of me trying to get pregnant behind his back. Theres a lot more going on. I have depression too since baby2 arrived so the sickness & health applies to both of us. For 2 years my husband has spent nearly every night in front of the computer online gaming so our communication is non existant as he wears headphones & talks to whoever he is playing with online. This has made me desparately lonely & resentful & I guess i just focused on the baby issue to avoid the real issue that my husband had no interest in me or our marraige. Last year & lost 2 stone & looked amazing, going to the gym etc & my husband still had no interest in me, just obsessed with Black Ops gaming. I just felt wht was the point in trying when it made no difference. I comfort ate my way back up to a size 16. We sat down & spoke properly & we both realise that weve both made mistakes. We have alot of work to do but we both love each other & want to stay together. I am going to get independant councilling to help me let go of having another baby & he is going to try & not spend so long gaming & spend more time with me. Im also going to join weight watchers but this time its just for me & if i become more confident I hope i will become more attractive to him. I have been very selfish & I realise Im very lucky to have such a wonderful man & 2 amazing little boys who I adore. I have never taken them for granted given the 8 years it took to have them

strandroad

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, you need to look at it from our husband's point of view. He said after your 2nd kid that he didn't want anymore kids because things were so tough once 2nd kid came along with losing the job, colic baby, etc. However you refused to see his point of view so he did the only thing possible so that he could regain control of the situation by getting a vasectomy as presumably he didn't trust you (seems the only reason he would've done so with how your marriage was) as he prob thought you'd get pregnant again against his wishes. Your husband is there to be your life-long partner and a father to his kids. He is not some sperm donor and a marriage is not about holding a gun to someone's head to make them do what they don't want to do.

He could have used condoms and I understand that it's not easy for the OP to conceive; to go and permanently remove someone's fertility against the opinion of one's partner is an awful thing to do. It's not as black and white as you paint it.

Stench Blossoms

mhge wrote: »

He could have used condoms and I understand that it's not easy for the OP to conceive; to go and permanently remove someone's fertility against the opinion of one's partner is an awful thing to do. It's not as black and white as you paint it.

Vasectomies can be reversed.

strandroad

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

Vasectomies can be reversed.

With mixed results, you can't count on it...

daisybelle2008

WhiteTiger wrote: »

Tinkerbell it took 6 years to get pregnant so theres not much chance of me trying to get pregnant behind his back. Theres a lot more going on. I have depression too since baby2 arrived so the sickness & health applies to both of us. For 2 years my husband has spent nearly every night in front of the computer online gaming so our communication is non existant as he wears headphones & talks to whoever he is playing with online. This has made me desparately lonely & resentful & I guess i just focused on the baby issue to avoid the real issue that my husband had no interest in me or our marraige. Last year & lost 2 stone & looked amazing, going to the gym etc & my husband still had no interest in me, just obsessed with Black Ops gaming. I just felt wht was the point in trying when it made no difference. I comfort ate my way back up to a size 16. We sat down & spoke properly & we both realise that weve both made mistakes. We have alot of work to do but we both love each other & want to stay together. I am going to get independant councilling to help me let go of having another baby & he is going to try & not spend so long gaming & spend more time with me. Im also going to join weight watchers but this time its just for me & if i become more confident I hope i will become more attractive to him. I have been very selfish & I realise Im very lucky to have such a wonderful man & 2 amazing little boys who I adore. I have never taken them for granted given the 8 years it took to have them

Be honest and upfront with your counsellor about your marriage, not just the baby issue. It was a few posts in before you were unguarded about the state of your marriage. It starts to look more like you want a baby to paper over cracks and keep you distracted from your loneliness and depression. Maybe when the marriage issues are resolved and your depression addressed you will feel completely different.

shalalala

Okay OP I think you do need to look at this from your husbands perspective but I also think that it should be a two-way street. You need to think of him more, speak to him. Sounds to me like he is depressed but instead of working things out he is burying his head in the sand.

You on the other hand are just pretending that all your problems are because of him changing his mind. It isn't. He needs to think of you too. He needs to realise that his decisions effect both of you.

My advice? Get out of the house, just you two, once a week. Go on a date and try to fall in love with each other again. You might be a mother and he might be a father, but first and foremost you are married to eachother and that needs to be looked after.

I think both of you need counselling; both together and separate. You both need issues sorting out but you both need to realise that you are not blameless.

Also exercise more. It will help with self-esteem and it will also make your moods better. Don't do this for him. Do it for you.