short story I'm working on...would love some feedback

SJW

Hi everybody. This is a little snippet from a story I'm working on, I have never written anything before really and would love any kind of feedback. Thanks very much and sorry about the length


A split second of silence was shattered by the blast of a high pitched whistle, which in turn was drowned out by an eruption of noise from the onlookers.

Eight doors sprung open from the eight numbered coloured boxes, and from each emerged a rat. Each rat had a coloured and numbered vest on them to match the lane it was in. Confused and very obviously disorientated, the rodents shuffled along inch by inch at different intervals, sniffing and feeling their way along the uncomfortable environment.

The crowd watched on, screaming encouragement to their chosen contestant, each man looking more desperate than the last for victory. Still the rats shuffled on, number three was in the lead by quite a way.

Rip Van Reader looked on with a satisfied smugness, his eyes alight, running his fingers along the rim of his hat. The two boys, Rips young protégés, stole a look or two at the race from behind their wooden screens. Still the rats shuffled on, they were past the second bend, with two to go, and it was number five who lead.

Jasper noticed Henry Skinner, the local butcher pushing up close behind him, blaring inaudible messages to contestant number four and showering the back of Jaspers neck with spittle. Jasper also caught the aroma of mince from Henry which made his stomach rumble. Badger was getting more and more into proceedings, even adding his own hollers of approvement when the leader was overtaken. Still the rats moved on, runner number six had made a late surge moving around the last bend.

This was the final stretch and the volume of the gathering increased ten fold. Screams of despair and delirium fought a battle for audible supremacy as victorious contestant number six crossed the finish line first. Some hats were thrown in the air, some betting slips were torn asunder and tossed to the floor, and finally the bellows died down to a nice even rumble of conversation which made Jasper feel all the more comfortable.
“Next race in five minutes”, announced Rip. “Winners claim your winnings, entrants for the next race prepare your contestants”.

The two boys emerged from behind their screens with baskets and proceeded to serve a queue of gentlemen that had formed to the left of the track behind one section of velvet rope. Each gentlemen handed over their winning slip, and received their winnings, satisfied to the last man. Jasper noticed how few from the large congregation had actually won, and also noticed that the rest of the crowd were already readying their cash for the next event.

“Ok Jasper, lets get this done”, said Badger tugging at his sleeve and guiding him through a gap in the velvet rope. They joined a small group surrounding the set of eight coloured boxes on the track. It looked like seven of the traps were already occupied, leaving the number one empty.
“A good omen?”, murmered Jasper.
“Don’t jinx it!”, countered Badger.

“No rat has ever won running from box one”, sneered a rival entrant, looking Badger and Jasper up and down with distain. “It’s cursed they say, and I hope it remains so. These good people aren’t here to see their money won by two louts who will just drink the winnings within an hour or two”.

The remark brought a few sniggers from the rest of the entrants and more unsavoury looks. Jasper ignored them, and produced Cyrill from his inside coat pocket. He attached the small coloured number one vest and tied it carefully at his pets undercarriage. Bringing Cyrill close to his face, Jasper whispered a few words in his ear, unheard by the rest.
“You know what to do here my pet. In five minutes you will be back in your comfort, and in ten minutes more you won’t be able to move in there for the cheese and chocolate I will buy you.”

With that Jasper put Cyrill inside of trap number one, and closed over the small door to lock him inside. Pet and owner exchanged looks through the tiny grid in the door before Jasper, Badger and the rest of the owners returned to join the rest of the crowd behind the velvets ropes.

The pair of bet taking boys completed their latest run quickly, but not before Badger placed a wager of his own on Cyrill. He produced the second brown envelope from inside his gruff coat, double checked the contents and placed his bet of 3,640 quid. On receiving the betting slip, he squeezed it so hard within his grip that Jasper thought it would disintegrate in Badgers hand.

“No more bets”, announced Rip Van Reader once again, as he drew the focus of the onlookers. This was it, all or nothing and Jasper started to sweat. Badger shot a glance his way complete with cheeky smile, revelling in the enormity of the situation they found themselves in.
“Stay cool, you know you can trust your little friend, has he let you down yet?”, Badger queried.
“No not yet”, answered Jasper, “I’m just not at all comfortable here, the sooner it’s over the better, no matter the outcome”.

As the tension grew within the hall, Cyrill was the picture of calm within his box. He looked across at his opponents and squeaked a brief melody of high pitched notes, to which the other rats replied with a single note of their own in turn. He was ready. With that, the whistle sounded again and the trap doors flew open to a rapturous bawl.

The rapture soon turned to mumbles of confusion as not a single rat emerged from any trap. Quizzical looks were exchanged, shoulders were shrugged and yet nothing moved. Van Reader had taken one foot from his podium, intent on seeing what was causing such a delay, when the nose of a solitary rodent emerged. It was Cyrill in trap number one.

Cyrill scuttled forward at his leisure and made his way around the first bend. The crowds murmurs had dissipated and now the hall was silent except for the tiny patter of rats feet, as Cyrill swept around the second and third bend. Every eye was fixed on his movement, every thought bent on his journey. Wide eyes and wider mouths made up the expression of every patron as Cyrill crossed the finish line alone, still the only contestant to leave his trap.

“And the winner is contestant number one”, muttered Rip through his red and white striped megaphone, the words falling listlessly from his lips without thought, his mind desperately trying to figure out what had just happened. He removed his bowler hat with his other hand, to reveal his balding crown. Still the crowd looked on in disbelief.

Badger made his way to the section of velvet rope where the winning were claimed as Jasper moved to the finish line of the track. He layed his hand flat allowing Cyrill to scramble up his arm and into his inside pocket. One of the young boys approached Badger coming from behind his screen and exchanged a bundle of cash for his betting slip. A second bundle of cash was handed over for the owner of the winning contestant. Badger hurriedly stuffed the money evenly into three coat pockets and moved to join Jasper who had already found his way to the back of the crowd, who themselves were still transfixed by what they had witnessed.

The guard at the padded door was happily reading a comic book, oblivious to the obvious change of mood within the chamber and barely offered the pair a glance as Jasper and Badger left through the door.
“I’m glad we won, but I really can’t see how people could come here daily, some of them may be successful on some days, but do any of them return home truly happy?”, Jasper said as the two made their way back through winding concrete halls.

Das Kitty

Wow, I really enjoyed that. I want to know what happened now!

You painted the scene really vividly. Very well written. More?

SJW

Thanks for taking the time to read! I have other small bits and pieces from the same story written, but they are a bit all over the place and not really knitted together. The feedback will definitely make me write some more though, much appreciated!

Call Me Jimmy

Very interesting. The creative process that gets someone to detailing a rat-race is probably what I find most fascinating, but the writing is superb. Keep it up because you definitely have displayed a knowledge of the craft and I could see that you could apply it to any subject or story.

The only criticism I will say (and only in from the most positive place) is a slight lack of depth. But as you said, it's a snippet of a short story so that criticism is lacking in substance.

It's only the opinion of a layman but I think you have talent.

SJW

wow cheers Call Me Jimmy, I really appreciate the comments. It's nice to see you really "got" the essence of what I was trying to portray there with the rat-race. Thanks again.