Enjoying being single but .....

LegacyUser

I'm missing sex to be honest.

Am female and am 1 year single, but due to a very destructive relationship it has been about 2yrs since I've had sex, bar one one nighter.

Wouldn't consider myself someone who has a high sex drive at all, but I am seriously missing it.

I don't want to have one night stands. I don't judge those who do, but I just don't want to. This is the problem. Sex for me is a very intimate thing, and I learned from my ons that even though the guy wasn't someone I would ever dream of having a relationship with, I still found myself wanting to see him again because I had slept with him. I did want to see him again for more sex, but that wasn't all. I was getting attached.

The same almost happened very recently again. I met a guy and we got on great. We saw each other a couple of times but I just couldn't sleep with him until I was sure he wanted to be seeing me and only me. He eventually said that he didn't want a relationship and he was just looking for something casual. I was crazy to have sex with him, but just couldn't accept his offer because I knew I would end up getting hurt.

Don't even know why I wrote that last paragraph ... Think I just needed to get it out.

Have also considered establishing a friendship with benefits situation, but while that would feel less risky to me than regular sex with a stream of strangers, emotionally I don't think I have what it takes to maintain the emotional distance a relationship with that level of physical closeness needs.

Do I sound like I have an unhealthy attitude towards sex?

What do I do about the lack of sex while single if I'm not willing to have one night stands?

What do others do in this situation? Or is my only solution D.I.Y?

sullies

To be honest it sounds like you want intimacy and not sex specifically. Or am l way off the mark? I had a friend who used to do a lot of one-nighters until we sat down and had a long talk. She eventually admitted to me that she wanted the intimacy, and the snuggling in bed and just wanted to feel wanted. Perhaps wait until you meet someone you have feelings as it will be much better.

curlzy

No you do not have a unheathy attitude to sex, in fact I would consider it very healthy. You seem to know yourself very very well and that's brilliant. If you didn't you'd make mistakes and get hurt over and over and over. I'm the same as you, I couldn't have sex with a stranger, in fact the thoughts makes me feel quesy, likewise I couldn't maintain enough distance to have a FWB type situation. I honestly think the best thing to do is DIY, you know that can be alot of fun too, get on a website and order yourself some books and toys (or videos if that's your thing). It's normal to feel horny but yeah you can totally sort yourself out.

Enjoy : )

Nickcaved

curlzy wrote: »

No you do not have a unheathy attitude to sex, in fact I would consider it very healthy. You seem to know yourself very very well and that's brilliant. If you didn't you'd make mistakes and get hurt over and over and over. I'm the same as you, I couldn't have sex with a stranger, in fact the thoughts makes me feel quesy, likewise I couldn't maintain enough distance to have a FWB type situation. I honestly think the best thing to do is DIY, you know that can be alot of fun too, get on a website and order yourself some books and toys (or videos if that's your thing). It's normal to feel horny but yeah you can totally sort yourself out.

Enjoy : )

This is ridiculous. DIY is no substitution for actual sex. Intimacy and sex go hand in hand (literally!) and going it alone is just not the same.

Nothing beats skin against skin, touching, kissing, eye contact and f*cking!!
How would a book or video even compare to a man you like touching you??

OP, it's frustrating but at least you don't have a high sex drive. I do and it can be torture.

Hardonraging

I've bumped in to plenty of women who maintain the same, they cannot seperate the emotional / intimate side of sex from the physical pleasure side .

I'm not going to psycho analyse you as to why you cant, but even in a ONS, FWB, NSA set up, you wont find what your looking for between a guy's legs..

As one of the poster's mentioned it's not the sex you miss, it's the closeness, the cuddles .. and every one loves cuddles..

Dating might be the easiest option ..

BraziliaNZ

Who cares about cuddes etc, just meet some bloke and bang him, see what you think, don't overthink it, it's great sometimes

Nickcaved

Hardonraging wrote: »

I've bumped in to plenty of women who maintain the same, they cannot seperate the emotional / intimate side of sex from the physical pleasure side .

I'm not going to psycho analyse you as to why you cant, but even in a ONS, FWB, NSA set up, you wont find what your looking for between a guy's legs..

As one of the poster's mentioned it's not the sex you miss, it's the closeness, the cuddles .. and every one loves cuddles..

Dating might be the easiest option ..

Yes but its not easy to find a date these days...its really really really hard

Hardonraging

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Who cares about cuddes etc, just meet some bloke and bang him, see what you think, don't overthink it, it's great sometimes

Surprised to hear you advise that Brazzi ... I dont think it's a good idea, especially given the emotional connection the OP gets.. works out great for the rest of us of course..

Carriexx

I Feel the exact same....its the attachment thing, dont think I could do a one night stand..........but am so tempted to try!

Katy89

I'm afarid there's not much more of a solution than search/wait for the 'right' one, somebody you have feelings for.

a lot of woman, don't like one night stands or a relationship with somebody they're not really into. you're not the only one.

I tried ONS and I always felt quite horrible after it, so I don't do it anymore. as well starting a relationships with somebody you like but not love, just to have some physical interactions, are most of the time doomed to fail and leave a bad taste in the mouth.

it's difficult. doing sport helps. going to the gym and have a real exhausting work out:)

LegacyUser

OP here again.

I agree with previous poster who says that DIY is no substitute at all for a mans touch, not a bit.

Yes, it is the intimacy that I miss more I suppose, but I also miss the sex. In fact, I say I miss it, but I don't think I've ever had a relationship where I've had the right combo of intimacy and sex. It's always been one or the other.

I noticed this big time recently when not all that raunchy sex scenes in films started turning me on!!!!!!


To the poster that says, just grab a guy and shag him, don't think too much - believe me, I would if I could, but I'm just not programmed that way. Myself and a very good friend have had many arguments over this because she thinks I'm being a 'pussy' about it and that I should just get out there riding and be independent.

I feel very let down by her for saying this to me because I am a very independent person and a very brave person too. But I know what I can't do, and I can't have no strings sex. It wouldn't be fair on me and it wouldn't be fair on the guy either, to enter into a no strings situation then suddenly start stalking him!!

Am going to take up sport, well, exercise anyway, to try get rid of some pent up frustration.

God help the man of my dreams when I do eventually get him between the sheets!

Hardonraging

Gottaproblem wrote: »

OP here again.
I've had the right combo of intimacy and sex. It's always been one or the other.

OP, just snipped a few bits to address here, first of, you're starting to see the patten in your own life, it's one or the lesson we learn as we grow up, you just need to work on it a little more, until you bump in to the guy who's passionate about you, but not crazy, and is generous in bed ..

Gottaproblem wrote: »

God help the man of my dreams when I do eventually get him between the sheets!

Obv you're joking here, but try and not think too much about it, i've heard the same phrase from so many other women, and invariably was disappointed ..

allovertheshop

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but a one night stand is not the answer to your questions, and until you meet someone and are in relationship, you are not going to get what you are looking for. A one night satnd is going to make you feel worse because from the sounds of your post, it's going to be hard to seperate the sex from the intamacy you are looking for

msg11

Gottaproblem wrote: »

Myself and a very good friend have had many arguments over this because she thinks I'm being a 'pussy' about it and that I should just get out there riding and be independent.

That's all well and good if it works for her, but I can see her posting on this forum with the topic 'Guys won't stick with me'. She's programming herself to be the girl with ONS on her head.

Anyway I am a male, much like yourself I can go for long periods with out sex. I don't feel to into the whole ONS thing not because I feel like I am downgrading a girl, but because I feel there not my type of girl at all.

If it's cuddles, something special and sex your going to have to try dating, online dating or such. Even at that, I was so close to a girl like it would have been a relationship material. We met up once or twice, I didn't feel the chemistry at all. I just cut it and told her I didn't feel anything and I wouldn't just use her for sex and escalate the situation with false hopes. These things take time and won't happen over night.

I often find friends can give some of the worst advise.

BraziliaNZ

msg11 wrote: »

That's all well and good if it works for her, but I can see her posting on this forum with the topic 'Guys won't stick with me'. She's programming herself to be the girl with ONS on her head.

Because women can't just go out and enjoy no strings sex without being some kind of pariah. Sugar and spice...

Scanlas The 2nd

Nickcaved wrote: »

Yes but its not easy to find a date these days...its really really really hard

These days?

Why is it more difficult now?

Walk over to whoever you want to and talk, then ask them out, it doesn't have to be complicated.

msg11

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Because women can't just go out and enjoy no strings sex without being some kind of pariah. Sugar and spice...

Most of these so called ONS I have heard of have hidden intentions trying to get either party on the hook so to speak. Then the other is the nightclub ONS, then the girls do give out because the lads never hang around.

Don't shoot the messenger here ! It's just what I have noticed. I'm sure there are people that can separate there feelings and sex.

Hardly call them outcasts either, I don't get why you think I called them pariah?

allovertheshop

It's actually harder for girls to have a ONS than guys, physically speaking. When a couple has sex, the female body will produce hormones that make her feel more attracted to the guy, in order to keep her faithful to the guy...which is probably why we see so many post on here from women who have had their heart broken by guys, they just get attached easier because of the hormones.

It might sound like a load of BS but it's true...so I wouldn't be advising the OP to have a ONS in order to get the comfort she is looking for. The only way she will find it is from a committed relationship.

On the other hand, I do agree witht he poster who says jsut go up and talk to guys on a night out. I'm fed up with my single girl friends when out in a bar, they'll stand in a corner all night pointing out guys that they find attractive but they won't approach them. on many occasions, i've accidently on purpose bumped into the guys they've been pointing at and started the conversation for them and then i'll walk off and leave them talking together. The guys are just as delighted as the girls to get chatted up. Maybe the OP needs to get herself a good wing woman and head out for the night

Noodles81

Hi OP, I'm in more or less the same situation as you. I've been single over a year since my engagement ended. It was a big deal getting back out there but now when I'm out, I'll chat to guys no problem and have the craic but all of them just want casual sex and I'm not willing to go down that route because I feel rotten afterwards. I find I'm too old for clubbing and I haven't the money anyway with paying a mortgage and car loan on my own. I had a fling with a guy around the time I would have been due to get married and he was amazing, the best I've ever had, but he didn't want a relationship as he was emigrating to Australia. We said we'd keep in touch but we haven't. Like you I really enjoy being single most of the time as I'm very independent, but I do miss the intimacy and sex that's on tap in a committed relationship.

I've tried internet dating but it wasn't for me, too contrived I felt. All my friends are pregnant at the moment or in serious relationships and my one single friend lives abroad but we try to meet up a few times a year. I'd love to meet a guy who shares the same interests as me; films, dogs, travel, books, etc but I do wonder where in your 30's do you meet a decent bloke, without inadvertently chatting up a married man or something in the pub. That has happened to me and he wasn't too eager to disclose this fact, which I thought was lame of him...I'm not the affair type!

Anyway, sorry for waffling on, I suppose DIY will have to do for now but it's only scratching an itch, as someone else said; it's not the same as actual physical contact. Friends are mad to set me up with their husbands single friends on blind dates but I just want to meet someone naturally and have that spark.

Don't know what my point is except to say, I'm in the same boat! On that note, I'm off to watch Bridget Jones...now more relevant to me than ever, ha!

summerlucey

When you're looking you wont find anyone - thats what ive found in the past. Its when you least expect it, they'l find you. If this doesnt work do a bit of d.i.y and online dating! Just be careful...

Podgers

Hi OP,

im in a similar situation as yourself, am over a year single and came out of a long relationship enjoying the single life and being independent. At the moment i couldn't see myself settling down i have a few friends that a girls and get on great with them but i do miss the regular sex.

I wouldn't be the confident type that would "pull" on a night out so ONS's wouldn't be my thing.

One option that would spring to mind about FWB is detaching the emotional connection, maybe it would work for some people but i would think feelings would develop for one depending with time? A friend of mine has a FWB with a girl and they seem to get on with it fine. and i wonder what would happen if one meets someone they have a good connection with etc.

there's no harm in trying internet dating, basically post your needs and see what you want. if you are clear from the beginning it will be grand.

LegacyUser

Hi there, OP again

Thanks for all the replies.

Have set up an online dating account so, we will see how I get on there.

Though, the problem is that if I'm not ready for a relationship really this is just structured casual sex??

Don't want to sound ungrateful for the advice, am just voicing my thoughts.

Also, so far, all I have been getting from online guys is requests for text sex or, and can you believe .... "Hey hot stuff, I have a free house tonight....." ???

What I am trying to do is keep myself very very busy and work out a good bit. Also ... Since posting here and getting advice and even better, similar anecdotes, this is also making me feel better - I'm not the only one!!

Neyite

OP there is an online dating thread in The Gentlemans Club forum that male and female posters share their experiences, well worth a read, or even sign up and post there.

daisybelle2008

Gottaproblem wrote: »

Yes, it is the intimacy that I miss more I suppose, but I also miss the sex. In fact, I say I miss it, but I don't think I've ever had a relationship where I've had the right combo of intimacy and sex. It's always been one or the other.

You appear to be looking for security therefore casual sex will never be for you. As someone else said what you are looking for is not between someones legs.

Peronally casual sex stopped being a problem for me when I stopped looking for 'security' and 'approval' through it. That happened when I realised a relationship couldn't even give me that. That was something I needed to feel myself before sex could be sex for itself and not something that needed to be in exchange for security. I wasn't properly enjoying casual sex while I had an unfullfilled objective I thought was related to sex.

Casual sex can be very intimate, it can be every bit as intimate as in a relationship. The intimacy you are talking about being exclusive in a relationship is a figment of your imagination (after all you say you have never had it so how do you know it really exists?). For example how do you know the person you are in a relationship is not cheating on you? What does that 'intimacy' mean then. There is no 'special' exclusive intimacy for relationships. There is a level at which you feel comfortable and secure in yourself to let go completely. But honestly that can happen in a ONS. You have convinced yourself that can only happen in a relationship but yet you have never had it in a relationship if I undersand the above in bold correctly ....