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14yo daughter spending hours on internet

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  • 15-11-2012 10:54pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,569 ✭✭✭


    We live in a rural area and my daughter goes to school by bus. Most of her friends are at school or in the nearest town. She has no friends walking or cycling distance from home.
    For this reason she 'socialises' with her friends from school and elsewhere via facebook. Her logic being that if she didn't contact people via FB, she would be bored and have nothing to do. This makes sense to me and I agree that the net is more educational and entertaining than current TV.
    My concern is the amount of time she spends on the net and how it seems to affect her moods.
    It is not unusual for her to log on after eating and homework and be on-line for about 3 hours and longer at w/ends.

    I do bring her to meet her friends at w/ends for sleepovers and all that. I am happy to do this as I prefer her to interact with people. I still feel it's a bit extreme to be on the net all the time.

    Any views or opinions appreciated.


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,322 ✭✭✭Dicky Pride


    The problem with her spending so much time online is it's hard for you to monitor exactly what she's doing. Facebook is a very, very dangerous environment for a 14 year old girl because it can get inside her head to such an extent that she forgets how to function properly in real life.

    It's also an easy environment for bullies who don't have to face their victims and can easily justify name calling and taunting. Written words can hurt us as much as spoken words and they can prey on our minds for a long time.

    I think it's only a matter of time before the relevant authorities bring out a ruling about the usage of facebook and other social media sites. It is ruining a lot of lives and relationships in this country.

    I urge you to monitor your daughter's activites online more closely. You think you know you're daughter but at that age it's so easy for her to be bullied or to be coerced into engaging in inappropriate conversations (via webcam in some instances - take that off the computer too!) with teenage boys.

    I'm a 32 year old male and about as far from being a prude or over protective parent as you can get, but I can see, very clearly, that your daughter is in a very dangerous situation here.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    your daughter is in a very dangerous situation here.

    What a ridiculous over-reaction. She is not in a "very dangerous" situation, she's just spending loads of time on facebook.

    Seems pretty ordinary for a 14-year old.

    Nothing to worry about at all.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,569 ✭✭✭Builderfromhell


    Appreciate the reply Dickie but still not sure what the best approach is.
    I have tried setting limit on amount of time she is on net. But that is difficult to enforce.
    I am also aware that a lot of her friends are also online for long durations. Some of her friends have FB on their phones so they are virtually never off line.

    A different world from when I was growing up.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,280 ✭✭✭paperclip2


    My daughter used to be the same. Continually on the Smart phone, Internet, etc. I do set time limits and as I pay for the broadband connection and her phone credit I do have a say in when she can access them. It was tough sticking to my guns at first but when I confiscated the phone and took the modem away for a week we managed to reach a compromise. She knows that if she goes over the limits then her IT privileges are reduced.
    I also have a rule about getting outside for exercise for at least half an hour before going online at the weekends.


  • Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,953 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    Does she do sports or music?
    Do you allow her friend to come over and play?
    is there a youth club nearby?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,569 ✭✭✭Builderfromhell


    Moonbeam wrote: »
    Does she do sports or music?
    Do you allow her friend to come over and play?
    is there a youth club nearby?

    She sings and is involved with rehearsals for school christmas play. That means she stays after school for about 3 hours 3 afternoons a week. She does lots of dancing and gets exercise that way. Prior to this she was unfit.
    she is not keen to have friends over as there is nothing to do, she prefers to stay over with them in town. That way she hangs out with others. I encourage this.
    Not eligible for youth club until she is 16.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 769 ✭✭✭Twoandahalfmen


    normal im 16 and most teens would spend hours on computer phone consoles ect


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,569 ✭✭✭Builderfromhell


    normal im 16 and most teens would spend hours on computer phone consoles ect

    Thanks for that.

    Some of us grew up in a very different era. I sometimes think it's better to be on the net than watching the rubbish the TV stations churn out


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭Miss Lockhart


    normal im 16 and most teens would spend hours on computer phone consoles ect

    I thought you had a 16 year old son?


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 769 ✭✭✭Twoandahalfmen


    I thought you had a 16 year old son?

    just siad that so people would give proper advice thinking im a parent


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  • Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,953 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    just siad that so people would give proper advice thinking im a parent

    Please give advice from your own point of view and do not pretend to be different people in different posts.


  • Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,953 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    I thought you had a 16 year old son?

    Report the post if you have a problem with it please.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 769 ✭✭✭Twoandahalfmen


    Moonbeam wrote: »
    Please give advice from your own point of view and do not pretend to be different people in different posts.

    Sorry Wont happen in future.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 10 sanitygone


    I to live in a very rural area with none of the kids friends in walking or cycling distance. I have 3 teenagers:cool: they have all spent and do spend a lot of time on line on xboxes. I too dont really like it but balance it out with getting them to do other activitys when they can.:P It is hard but keep calm just check what they are on and talk about it. One now in Collage doing well so thats one on the road to grown up :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭GarIT


    Theres some stigma that goes around that the internet is bad or the internet isnt as good as 'real life'. People interact with others on the internet, no ammount of time could be too much, its just what you choose to do. If you had a son that played football for 10 hours a day you wouldnt see a problem yet many people see a problem with the internet for no real reason.

    In reality its only people that don't fully understand the internet that say its bad.

    A statistic nobody seems to care about. You are slightly more likely to be bullied at sports training than you are on the internet.

    Install the Norton DNS filter onto your router to block illegal websites and pornography and she will be fine.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,949 ✭✭✭0ph0rce0


    I don't understand all this make sure you check what they are on, or its dangerous, You people are watching to many movies.

    Don't be looking at what she's at, just invading her privacy and leads to arguments, Let her be a child, what harm does a computer do.

    Some parents a mad these days. Trying to force a child to do stuff YOU want never ends good in the long run.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,937 ✭✭✭implausible


    0ph0rce0 wrote: »
    I don't understand all this make sure you check what they are on, or its dangerous, You people are watching to many movies.

    Don't be looking at what she's at, just invading her privacy and leads to arguments, Let her be a child, what harm does a computer do.

    Some parents a mad these days. Trying to force a child to do stuff YOU want never ends good in the long run.

    This post makes no sense - you want the OP to check what she's at, but not look at what she's at and you talk of 'invading her privacy' while urging the OP to 'let her be a child':rolleyes:

    Unfortunately, it's not just in movies, it's in reality. Cyber-bullying has been in the news again lately and if parents don't know what their teens are accessing and doing on the net, it's impossible for them to help their child if there's a problem like bullying, being bullied or posting inappropriate content. It's like anything else - a bit of parental supervision and cop on goes a long way. Having the laptop in a family area and no smartphone going to bed are sensible, enforceable rules.

    How much privacy should a 14 year old have? If parents are paying for the devices and access, they should have a good idea what the teen is doing with it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,949 ✭✭✭0ph0rce0


    This post makes no sense - you want the OP to check what she's at, but not look at what she's at and you talk of 'invading her privacy' while urging the OP to 'let her be a child':rolleyes:

    Unfortunately, it's not just in movies, it's in reality. Cyber-bullying has been in the news again lately and if parents don't know what their teens are accessing and doing on the net, it's impossible for them to help their child if there's a problem like bullying, being bullied or posting inappropriate content. It's like anything else - a bit of parental supervision and cop on goes a long way. Having the laptop in a family area and no smartphone going to bed are sensible, enforceable rules.

    How much privacy should a 14 year old have? If parents are paying for the devices and access, they should have a good idea what the teen is doing with it.

    Makes perfect sense, doesn't say anywhere check what shes at and not look at what shes at.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭GarIT


    I've been using social networking sites for about 8 years now and I've never seen or heard of anyone being bullied. I've only ever heard of cyber bullying in the news. I've been bullied in real life because I'm not athletic or fit or whatever but never on the internet. Kids are too smart, they know what they say is recorded so they don't say it.

    I think most of the cyber bullying in the news is made up and just kids looking for attention. There is so much security in place online that it doesn't happen without you wanting it. On Facebook if you are under 16 only people that you have approved can talk to you. You can sign up for sites when you ask anyone to give an anonymous opinion of you but that's your choice. In reality to be bullied online you have to be looking for the attention.

    If you look at any of the bullying mentioned on the news you will see ask.fm mentioned, these kids are asking people to rate them anonymously so they are asking for it really.

    You can install a filter on your router so that your children can only access child friendly sites on any of their devices and once that is done they will be fine. Kids don't need to be watched, that will just make them more secretive.

    There are strict rules in place where children under 13 can't join social networking sites and I think this should be enforced legally.

    At that age they are probably starting to talk to girls and the last thing you need is mammy watching you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,937 ✭✭✭implausible


    0ph0rce0 wrote: »
    Makes perfect sense, doesn't say anywhere check what shes at and not look at what shes at.

    No, it doesn't make perfect sense. You said to
    check what they are on
    and then
    Don't be looking at what she's at
    :confused:


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,937 ✭✭✭implausible


    GarIT wrote: »
    I've only ever heard of cyber bullying in the news. <snip> Kids are too smart, they know what they say is recorded so they don't say it.

    I think most of the cyber bullying in the news is made up and just kids looking for attention.

    So the news is made up then? There have been three young teen suicides in this country this year and cyber-bullying was a factor in all of them.
    If you look at any of the bullying mentioned on the news you will see ask.fm mentioned, these kids are asking people to rate them anonymously so they are asking for it really.

    Is that in the made-up news? Unfortunately all young teens do not possess the skills of perception that others have. They sign up to it because everyone else is doing it and you'd want to be living on the moon not to be aware of peer pressure. They do not sign up to it 'asking for it'; abuse seems to be an unintentional consequence of their actions and they simply are unable to take it. Young teenage girls in particular are sensitive about their appearance and boys, so only one 'ugly' or 'slut' comment severely dents their confidence. This is why it is important for parents to monitor what their teens are at, so if an issue arises they can help.

    There are strict rules in place where children under 13 can't join social networking sites and I think this should be enforced legally.

    There are also rules for underage smoking, drinking and sex:rolleyes:

    Parents need to be vigilant about where their teens go physically and technologically. It's common sense


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,949 ✭✭✭0ph0rce0


    No, it doesn't make perfect sense. You said to and then :confused:

    I don't understand all this make sure you check what they are on, or its dangerous

    NO! Read it again.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,778 ✭✭✭up for anything


    Facebook and other social networking sites are dangerous places and you do have to be on the ball as to who your children are talking to because things that ring alarm bells with cynical adults don't raise the slightest worry in even older teenagers heads. However, at the same time easy internet access is here to stay so we have to let them get on with it and keep guard for them until they are able to

    My two young sons were befriended through Youtube comments and then on Facebook and it got to the stage where they were taking phone calls from a 33 year old chap who lived in Portland, Oregon - supposedly. This all happened within the space of about three days (I used to check their accounts a couple of times a week - after that I now do check them every night.) From what I read and heard he was in the very early and softly, softly stages of grooming them but several things make the hairs on the back of neck stand up - he offered to send them runners, he got the older one's phone number, he was asking for videos - very innocent ones - they 'met' over car videos and my ex is teaching the boys to drive off road, so they had long chats about cars, driving etc and he wanted to know how they started the car they were driving and would they send him videos of just their feet on the pedals. I put an end to the contact (and dobbed him in to his authorities) but it took him such a short space of time to completely gain their trust. My older boy (12 at the time) understood when I explained him to that the situation was all wrong, although it took me asking him how many 30something men he knows in real life would spend three hours chatting with him on FB or the phone, night after night? My younger lad took it hard as he said that this chap was the only person in his friend's list who would talk to him. It's so bloody easy for a predator and I thought that I was an internet savy parent.

    More shockingly because she's older and you'd imagine more sensible, my 18 year old daughter was delighted to tell me the other night that she's provisionally booked to sing at a wedding next July. When I asked her more about it, it turns out that some chap had watched all her Youtube vids of her singing and contacted her to say she was great and that he'd like her to sing at his wedding. He also wants to know when her next gig is and he'll bring his fiancee along to to listen to her. To me, that story stinks to high heaven but it's a good one especially with him being engaged so supposedly 'safe'. Allays lots of suspicions. Any idiot could tell from her videos that a) she is not ready to sing for a couple of hours at a wedding and b) that she doesn't sing wedding type music plus has no band. But as a young inexperienced girl he's stroking her ego and feeding her need for a break and she doesn't see the danger signs that I do. I've told her to tell him that she's told me and that as her manager I am insisting on him contacting me to sort out arrangements. I'd say that he'll stop contacting her after that. I should really tell him that next time he shouldn't say that he wants her for the reception but for the church - that would be far more plausible. :rolleyes:


  • Registered Users Posts: 42 CrowWoman


    Very scary one up for anything.

    Both of my daughters have had inappropriate contacts on line -- one had an older boy from her school pressure her for inappropriate webcam shots, the other had a horrible, obscene Facebook message from a girl in her class.

    They're two sensible girls, they told me about it and we dealt with the situations. I agree that the Internet is a significant part of their social lives, but it also opens them up to situations that I as a parent am unhappy about.

    For us, what works is keeping the lines of communication open and making sure I know generally what they're doing and who with. I reserve the right to check phones, emails, Internet history at any time and I do it randomly to keep them on their toes.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭JJJJNR


    I've been using Blue coat K9 on my family PC's for a long time now and its fantastic, you have full control over what various profiles can access and restrict the online hours pretty much like a corporate company does. it is available free on all platforms (inc iphone and android) but if installed on more than one PC may need to be purchased.

    There are also applications called keyloggers which record screen shots and what is being typed on the keyboard, these are paid for applications and are roughly 30 - 40 euros but you can download and install trial versions, just be aware there maybe some spyware on trial versions. You will know exactly what is being typed on the PC and what is being viewed, I've never used these types of applications so maybe a bit more research for that is required.

    Link for K9

    http://www1.k9webprotection.com/


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