Feeling so much pressure

LegacyUser

Lately Ive felt like some people have a real hold over me. Not everyone but a couple of people. People who generally i think believe they are better than me (boyfriends ex, an ex friend, a current friend who i feel thinks shes better than me. That sort of thing) Dont get me wrong its only a select few three or four people. For anyone else I dont feel in any way like this.

Like for example if they get a new car i feel pressure to get a better one because mine is not as good. If they go on holidays I feel I have to go on a better one. I simple cant be happy for them, i feel like im in competition with them for some reason and i cant understand what would make me feel like this. There is no reason behind it but its taking over my life. I dont want anyone telling me im a horrible person i just want some understanding of why i would feel this way. Its really bothering me

edellc

Op I don't want to sound harsh but you are the only person who controls how you let others effect you, and this behaviour and the way you feel is your own doing unfortunately....its actually how Ireland got into the economic mess we are in, everyone keeping up with the "joan's" or in your case ex's

If they have a better car or whatever so what its just more debt for them, your not in competition with them nor do you have to be happy for them

Instead of focusing on others focus on you and your goals in life otherwise you will spend your life chasing someone else's idea of happiness and never achieve it as it was never your idea of happiness to begin with

Write down what you want out of life and how you can achieve that and go with it, you really don't want to be on your death bed with regrets because you spent your life chasing and competing with irrelevant people rather than living this short existence for you

Caught

I'm like this too OP, to a degree. I feel intimidated by anyone who is better than me and I often just aim to impress them, not trying to beat them, by one upping them which I'm thinking is what you do.

What I've been trying to do is realise that nobody thinks they're better than you. They're not trying to beat you, so why try beat them? It's easy for it to escalate completely out of control, so just try think abut how you're different (good ways though!) to the others (but don't get ahead of yourself either!)

thefeatheredcat

So it's your boyfriend's ex, an ex friend and a current friend.... Are there any difficulties that you're having with your current friend OP?

Some people may feel that to stand apart from an ex, or an ex friend, you want to show yourself and everyone else that you're "better than them" and worth more and more valuable by showing it in competition through various things like material objects like a car and holidays to prove that point. The question is, are you looking to prove it to yourself, or them? Or everyone else? Are you looking for them and others to validate you or give you approval to feel that you are making that point?

The only thing I can suggest really is examine yourself as to how happy you are in life, how are you, how is your self esteem and be honest with yourself. Are you feeling insecure in yourself, does the boyfriend's ex, your ex friend and your current friend make you feel threatened in any way?

Trying to keep up on the one up manship or keeping up with the Jones' is where you stand to waste energy and money and erode your self esteem and happiness even more. It doesn't make you a horrible person, lots of people I've met do it, but it only gets horrible if it's deliberately thrown in people's places in terms of crowing about it or constantly drawing attention to it in a negative way of not just looking for the validation, but making others feel unhappy with whatever they've got. I've had some people try to start these sort of mind games and the best way is just to be passive and not draw attention to it. SO if you have perhaps a situation where Person A is throwing it in your face about their holiday or Christmas presents or whatever, just be passive about it and don't let yourself get drawn in, or rather drawn down to their level.

Gmol

Hi OP you cannot worry about what others do. you are you and you can be whatever you want. You need to make YOU happy. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

You need to realise why do you stay in contact with the your ex boyfriend/ ex friend and current friend who you think "she feels better than me? Do you feel that if you don't keep in contact with them you will have no friends or not be part of the gang?
Are you getting into debt to keep up with your so called friends?
I would take a look at your life and decide do you want to continue along like this.
From what you have told us I don't think that you are happy with your life and friendships at the moment.
When you meet up with these people and they start to tell you about about the new clothes ect I would try and change the conversation. If they ask you to go shopping or on holidays and you don't want to go I would say I would like to go with you but I can't afford to do this at the moment.
Also I think some people need to keep up with a so called lifestyle no matter what the cost is.
I have seen people get into a lot of debt, working long hours with a lot of stress, missing a lot out on family time and a social life or having health problems in order to keep up a lifestyle. You have to ask yourself what it worth to your life in keeping friendly with people like these when you possibly leave there company feeling worse about yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much everyone for the replies. I really appreciate them.

I would never get myself into debt or do anything stupid. Its more about how i feel, Why am i happy for most people if they have a new fancy car an resent it in others. I hate myself for it.

I guess im generally not happy with my life, not exactly where i wanted to be at this stage of my life but i am working to change that and hope to be in a different situation in the next year or so.

I know deep down that no one really cares what i have if my car is 2005 or 2012. The only person who it makes a difference to is me, so why does it bother me that my boyfriends ex is cruising around in a fancy new car? Maybe I feel that this makes her more appealing to him (i know he has no interest in her nor does he care what car anyone has)

I guess i just want exciting nice things in my life so to make my life look better maybe! I cant pin point why exactly some people make me feel like this....the mind boggles!