far away and a death in the family

iusedtoknow

Mods, feel free to move this to whatever forum you see fit.

I live in San Francisco, my 94 year old grandmother slipped into a coma this morning in Cork. My mother insisted on not flying over, i can't think of it until she dies. I said my goodbyes in June before we left and she has dementia etc so I don't think she even registered.

I am really torn, the flights are expensive (2000+) and I need 2 days notice at least to get back (west coast flights leave around 2pm and get in the next day)

has anyone else missed a funeral like this? What to do?!?! I really don't know

ABajaninCork

This happened recently in my family. My aunt died suddenly. My husband & I looked into the cost of flights and couldn't go, as it was too expensive.

I was very cut up as I wanted to say Goodbye to my aunt in person. But my uncle assured me she would understand if I couldn't make it. What we did instead was to have our PP say Mass for the repose of her soul on the morning of her funeral.

Is this an option that could work for you, OP? I'm sure your Nan would understand...

iusedtoknow

it could be - except for the priest part - she was a die hard humanist, and I am a die hard athiest, but maybe a humanist commemoration here could be the way to go.

It really wasn't the best message to wake up to this morning, my head is spinning at the moment.

P. Breathnach

I'm sorry about your impending loss and your difficulty in knowing what to do.

To be blunt, there is little point in visiting somebody who is comatose and who, if she were to come out of it, would almost certainly not register that you were there.

Funerals are for the living, to allow them to deal with the fact of death and to support one another at a difficult time. If you cannot afford the fare, then mourn her in a different way. You could look into the possibility of travelling home later (and at a more affordable fare) in order to visit her grave and share hugs and tears with your family.

looksee

I agree with the others. Find out what time her funeral is, and go somewhere peaceful and just think of her. Send a card to your mother and family, or arrange for flowers. Most of us have this experience with aged relations and people in far off places, your mother doesn't expect you there and that is the main thing.

edellc

Yeah OP my great aunt died and I couldn't make it she was very old and I had said my goodbyes months prior. I am sure your nan wouldn't mind you not being there, and as said funerals are for the living so why not pay your respects at the same time her funeral is going on at home somewhere you think she would appreciate..that way you will have a memory...why not let off a lantern for her too or something else that she would appreciate.

Best of luck OP at this difficult time and condolences to you and your family

Neyite

I would suggest you spend the day maybe doing the things that she loved -as a way of marking her passing.Whatever she was passionate about, celebrate what you loved most about her. Maybe it would be more appropriate to your beliefs.

Maybe she brought you to an art gallery or a museum when you were little, or took you on a picnic, or passed on a love of music to you, in which case do something related to that. Maybe she was the first one to enjoy a party, or loved cooking so invite friends around to share a lovely meal. If she loved animals, go to the zoo.

R.D. aka MR.D

I went through this a few weeks ago when my grandfather died.

It is horrible but you have to accept that going isn't practical.

My grandda was all about working hard and saving money so I can tell myself he would understand that i couldn't put my job at risk and spend a lot of money to go home.

Spend time with people who care about you and let yourself feel the pain.

iusedtoknow

thanks all - no matter what way i looked at it, it really isn't practical to go home (She died few hours ago). Even if i left tomorrow, I won't be home until Saturday night, and will need to leave again on Wednesday to make sure I am back for a work trip on Thursday.

Aside from the cost of going, i don't know if the timezone hopping would help any with the grief or my health. Instead, i'm going to attempt to bake her recipe for sausage rolls and remember her in my own way.

sigh

LegacyUser

I was based in New Zealand two years ago when my 96 year old grandmother died Christmas week. She was old, and I had said my goodbyes before I left, just in case, but it was very very hard. She was in a coma for a week and then passed. It just wasn't an option for me to travel home, the airfares were crazy given the time of year and I couldn't get off work without losing my job.

In my case, my mother and other family members thought it was disgraceful that I wasn't coming home for the funeral and gave me a very hard time about it, expecting me to lose my job and come home for the two days of the funeral.

I knew that my grandmother would've been raging if she heard such a thing, and wouldn't have expected me to travel that distance, but a lot of the younger generations couldn't comprehend how 'cold' I was by not coming home.

I thought of her constantly the days of the funeral, and was aware of the time it was at home, when the burial would be taking place. My next trip back home, I spent time alone at her grave.

Others felt the need to force stories of all the fun they had at the wake and how I'd missed out, the same people who tried to make me feel bad for not attending, but I don't think there was anything else I could do.

I have previously lived in SF and I know how difficult it is to get out of there on short notice, if not impossible.

Condolences on your loss OP, but you are making the right decision.

Chocolate fiend

I was in Australia when my grandfather died, I was 5 months pregnant and it was a very difficult time. I couldn't get home but, I remembered him in my own way. Two years later I was in Canada with my then almost 2 year old and my almost 1 year old when both of my grandmothers died within 6 weeks of each other. Again I could not get home. I feel I missed out on saying goodbye to each of them, but, I did what I had to do each time.

My condolences.

An Bhanríon

Sorry, this has become a rambling post...

Your post brings back memories! I was in Boston on holidays when my grandmother died. I had started off that holiday in San Francisco and was planning on going back there to go on a trip to Yosemite National Park before I came back to Ireland.

I agonised over whether I should fly home instead of going back to San Francisco. My friends in Boston told me I would regret it if I didn't go home, but after chatting to my sister back in Ireland a little voice in my head said I should travel back to San Francisco and go on this trip to Yosemite. It was the best decision ever as the trip was fabulous and I am sure my grandmother would have been happy that I went.

So instead of mourning my grandmother the normal way I went and found a copy of the Irish Independent so I could see her death notice with my own eyes. Then, when I got back to Ireland, I went over to her house and helped the family clear it out. Going through her stuff helped me say goodbye to her.

My advice would be to take some time to remember your grandmother in your own way when she is gone. Go somewhere nice. Bring a photo of her with you. Maybe bring along an understanding friend and tell them of your memories of your grandmother. Write her a letter if you like explaining why you couldn't come home and saying goodbye to her.

There are lots of different ways to mourn someone. Going to their funeral is just one of them.

castaway_lady

Is there anything to be said for skype here? I know of someone who used this to 'attend' a funeral from Australia because it wasnt feasible to travel home.

keithclancy

castaway_lady wrote: »

Is there anything to be said for skype here? I know of someone who used this to 'attend' a funeral from Australia because it wasnt feasible to travel home.

Jesus .. I dunno .. the old folk would probably think your taping the funeral and think its out of order like.

Been there OP, its a crappy situation.

Everyone will have their own view at home (some will understand, some won't) but in the end it makes no sense to spend so much and travel so far, just look at saying goodbye in your own way and go back when you can.

Merkin

You poor thing, must be hard being so far away. In my opinion, you're far better seeing someone when they are alive. You were able to see your dear Gran in June and that must be so precious - far more important seeing her and spending quality time with her while still alive rather than attending a funeral. My own dear Gran died a few years ago and a close relative was in Canada. He actually came over to spend a fortnight with her about a month before she died and he said it's the best thing he ever did. If you can't make the funeral I wouldn't give yourself a hard time over it - you saw her in June so they are the memories you will treasure.