Is it over?

LegacyUser

So I'm looking for some views on my situation...

I'm in my late 30's and just coming up on 2 years in a relationship with GF (early 30's). We've talked about taking the next step of moving in, with a view to marriage, kids, etc. The reason we haven't taken that step yet is down to distance. We live 150kms apart and the latest plan is to move in together somewhere in the middle of that distance.

Currently I travel down to her every Friday evening and head back Monday morning. I don't mind the travelling, and tbh she hates driving si it'd be a big deal if she had to travel regularly, she does come up occasionally, and that's cool.

Anyway we fight like everyone, and my reaction to a fight is to want to be on my own. Twice that has meant me driving home. The latest fight happened Sunday night and I left, she said if I left it was over, I said fine, and left.

I apologised on Monday, said I was sorry for fighting with her and hurting her, but her reaction was not to apologise for her part of the fight, instead she just said she needs time to think because I left, and because I said fine when she told me it'd be over if I left.

Tbh I'm a bit pi**ed off that she didn't apologise, and I don't understand why she makes a big deal about me leaving? So I guess I'm just hoping to get some different views on it.

Thanks in advance.

tinkerbell

Well what was the fight about? Was she in the wrong? Were you in the wrong?

How do you expect to make up after a fight if you drive 150km away after a row?

Lorna123

I would say she is just trying to save face now, i.e. she said it would be over if you left, but you said fine and you left so now it will look like she didn't mean what she said and if she ever said that in future it would mean nothing. She is stuck now and is making it harder for a reconciliation based on that. That is what I think OP

ash23

To be honest, I wouldn't be able to hack being with someone who walked out on me so easily. It's very upsetting to have someone walk out and effectively end the relationship when they do so, even if they do it in temper and don't mean it.
It leaves you feeling very vunerable and unsure of the relationship. YOU know you don't mean it but SHE doesn't so is left fretting over it until you calm down and come back.

Personally I wouldn't be ok with someone who walked out on me when we fight.

You need to learn to communicate when you argue instead of running away from it.

Katy89

can only back up what other posters said, it's very immature to run away after a fight.
you did this before, and she's just fed up with it and needed to put some consequences for herself on it, so that's why she's keeping to it and obviously she means it.

yes, you apologised, but it's this attitude doing what you want, means leaving, and after an apology everything should be forgotten.
that's very immature again and headwrecking for her, it means you can always do what you want because later you always can apologise.

and you are thinking about marriage, kids etc.
hell, how should that work with you running away after fighting? you live togehter then, or are you thinking of keeping your own place and leave her with the kids alone after a fight or whatever?

she's very right in questioning this relatonship.

if you want a stable relationship and marriage and kids you need to work a lot on yourself first.

Bambii_

Katy89 wrote: »

can only back up what other posters said, it's very immature to run away after a fight.
you did this before, and she's just fed up with it and needed to put some consequences for herself on it, so that's why she's keeping to it and obviously she means it.

yes, you apologised, but it's this attitude doing what you want, means leaving, and after an apology everything should be forgotten.
that's very immature again and headwrecking for her, it means you can always do what you want because later you always can apologise.

and you are thinking about marriage, kids etc.
hell, how should that work with you running away after fighting? you live togehter then, or are you thinking of keeping your own place and leave her with the kids alone after a fight or whatever?

she's very right in questioning this relatonship.

if you want a stable relationship and marriage and kids you need to work a lot on yourself first.

I couldn't agree more.

You need to talk to your gf, face to face and NOT run away if an argument breaks out. You need to talk about how serious the relationship is and if decided it is serious then maybe look into couples counseling to solve why you feel the need to run away after every argument.

Running away is cowardly and solves nothing. I can see why she wouldn't apologize. You've said you've done this before to her, I'm sure she's fed up. If my bf ran away after every argument we had and then came back and apologized without wanting to talk/solve the dispute I can honestly say it wouldn't last long. Apologizing doesn't always make things better, and from reading your post I get the impression that you apologized because you wanted her to as well, not because you were actually sorry.

Being sorry means you will try not do the same thing again, but you keep running away after every argument. Going back to my previous point, you's need to sit down together and have a serious talk. You can't think about kids when you're acting so immature. You need to seriously work on your communication skills.

LegacyUser

OP here.

So the consenus is that I'm in the wrong for leaving. I get that.
Tbh, I don't know why I leave, just seems better than staying, arguing, and getting more frustrated. The argument on Sunday was the third of the weekend; Friday - an ultimatum on deciding our future, which we came to agreement on. Saturday - a shouting match about my lack of listening skills. Sunday - her starting a irrational fight over her possessions.

I guess I'd had enough. It looks like were just not as compatible as we thought...

Lorna123

I can understand why you walked when vexed OP. It is not always the best time to discuss anything, and especially if this had been the 3rd row that weekend. I also think that you did well to apologise the next day and not leave it for a few days, full marks for that. I really think that the ball is in her court now. It is up to her to contact you and my guess is that she will. Just sit tight.

ash23

You only see each other at weekends.....and you had a fight every day of that weekend.

Something seriously wrong with that OP

Goldenlady

OP, my ex was the type to walk out too, and to be honest it drove me mad, but I expected it when we fought, so if this is your normal reaction, I believe your GF should have expected it to be honest. As mentioned by another Poster, the fact ye only see each other at week ends and spent the entire week end fighting seems to be the bigger issue here. I too had a long distance relationship and you should be excited to see each other at the week ends..... as also said above, sit tight and think about what you want from this. If ye do move in together, you cant drive home, can your relationship cope with seeing each other 7 days a week. Hope it works out for the best x

Katgurl

I suspect you and your gf have very different views of the relationship, she is possibly at the end of her rope with lots of stuff. I am drawing this conclusion as in your OP you barely mention what the fights are about but when you elaborate they are fairly huge issues. This would suggest to me you are not really listening or paying attention to what's going on. And really I think if things are at that stage, walking out was a terrible move if you want to stay in the relationship. My advice would be to contact your girlfriend and say you both obviously need to talk, then when you do, you really need to hear her. Your other option is to walk but I suspect your girlfriend might do that for you if you neglect things now.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for the replies.

We met up over the weekend and had a good talk, cleared the air, and are back on track.