Advice needed

LegacyUser

ust looking for some advice for you all.

I have been dating a guy 2 years now and we have been living together since the beginning of this year. He is a great guy, treats me so well, makes me feel like a princess in fact and it is a very loving relationship.
This past month he seemed a little distant - nothing major but I picked up on it a few times and got thinking but soon put it to the back of my mind as I know he has been very stressed with work lately. I even went as far last week to ask him if everything was okay between us and asked if he still loved me and his answer was yes of course.

Friday night he went to his usual indoor session with the lads and I was at home wrapping the first of our Xmas presents and I came to my nieces present and wondered if there would be any Dora Pj's on Amazon to go along with the Dora stuff we had already bought her. When I went to the laptop I noticed that my OH had left it on and forgot to sign out of his FB, I could also see that he had a new mail and without really thinking I clicked on it to find he was mailing an ex of his. She had sent him a mail saying "enjoy footy babes, wish I was there to massage you after" - I was totally horrified and then I started to look back at the chain of messages they had been sending each other and I FELT SICK.
He was calling her "BABY" and asked for her to send a new pic to his phone, had said he woke up the previous night and was thinking about her, wanted to text her so bad but didn't want to wake her up but he was imaging her in her pj's all snuggled up and how he wished it was beside him. There was another saying he was "hard" just thinking about her, the list goes on but I'm sure you get the jist now. I was just numb reading them.
A few weeks previous she had asked him how his relationship was and he said on the rocks - this was not true, we hadn't even argued in months.
When he came home I confronted him straight away - he was silent at first and then just said it was harmless fun.
He said he hasn't seen her in years but just our of the blue one day he was thinking about her & decided to send her a mail on FB and it all went from there.
Said he didn't mean anything he said to her, it was just meaningless words and that nothing would ever have happened.

I cant get it out of my head. I moved home to my parents for a few days and told them he was painting our flat. I cant bring myself to talk to him, never mind see him.
Am I over reacting?

Please let me know your thoughts?

Lorna123

Gosh OP this doesn't look good. Now it could be that he is just enjoying the excitment of doing something he shouldn't be doing and if he was given an ultimatum he would chose you. I don't know as I don't know him. However, it leaves you in a very awkward position in that you will find it hard to trust him in the future. I think you have to get in touch with him again had have a chat with him about all of this. You will know by his response whether he is genuinely interested in staying with you or not. It all depends on how sincere he is OP as to whether you can trust him again or not. You will need to find out why he told her your relationship was on the rocks and why he felt the need to have this extra excitement in his life. You won't be able to decide what to do until you have this chat with him. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Carriexx

HI,

you said he was acting distant, and then he was doing this at the same time. I would not really believe the bit about it being all words, he was quite descriptive re waking up and thinking about her etc.

Will you evr trust him again, when he is on FB etc.

Take time to think about it, it may not be a deal breaker but just think about you too....

LegacyUser

Its the OP here

Thank you for your replies.
I've been going out of my mind about it all. We met up last night and talked. He insists he has no feelings for her and I do believe this and he cant explain why he did it - I can tell he is really upset & annoyed at himself and his last words to me were that he loves me however he doesn't know how he could hurt me like this - he said he has spent the last few days doubting his love for me as a result of this.

I don't want to loose him however if he isn't sure how he feels about me maybe I'm best to let him go. Or should I fight for us?
This past month have been really stressful for me and thinking back I haven't been the worlds greatest girlfriend as a result - my moods have been all over the place, I've been up & down due to a death in the family, maybe this is the reason he acted like this?

My head & heart hurts, what should I do

Stench Blossoms

Casio55 wrote: »

This past month have been really stressful for me and thinking back I haven't been the worlds greatest girlfriend as a result - my moods have been all over the place, I've been up & down due to a death in the family, maybe this is the reason he acted like this?

So what if you haven't be the worlds greatest girlfriend. Just because you are in a bad mood doesn't give him the right to text/flirt with his ex.

Hardonraging

Casio55 wrote: »

When he came home I confronted him straight away - he was silent at first and then just said it was harmless fun.
He said he hasn't seen her in years but just our of the blue one day he was thinking about her & decided to send her a mail on FB and it all went from there.
Said he didn't mean anything he said to her, it was just meaningless words and that nothing would ever have happened.

I'm just going to quote the above portion as it's prob the most vital part of it all ..

So we know he went cold for a while and he was caught out chatting this Ex, in fact to the point where he said he woke up and wanted to text her, blah blah missing her in her pj's etc ..

I'd bet the farm that he's waiting for an invite from the Ex, it's as simple as, he's softening her up and she's also clearly falling for it, however i assume none of his msg's actually detail him anywhere asking to meet up with her ..

Tbh... i'd hit the road .. i'd have little or no tolerance for this sort of behaviour in a relationship , and i wouldn't expect anyone else to either.

not yet

Hardonraging wrote: »

I'm just going to quote the above portion as it's prob the most vital part of it all ..

So we know he went cold for a while and he was caught out chatting this Ex, in fact to the point where he said he woke up and wanted to text her, blah blah missing her in her pj's etc ..

I'd bet the farm that he's waiting for an invite from the Ex, it's as simple as, he's softening her up and she's also clearly falling for it, however i assume none of his msg's actually detail him anywhere asking to meet up with her ..

Tbh... i'd hit the road .. i'd have little or no tolerance for this sort of behaviour in a relationship , and i wouldn't expect anyone else to either.

OP, You really need to take note of the above post. If He is texting his ex to this extent ask yourself one simple question....

If you had not of opened the fb page that night would he have followed up on the contact. I think you know the answer and where that would have led.

Gmail

OP just echoing what others are saying here.
He's upset & annoyed because he was caught out.
To be brutally honest it sounds like he wasn't much help to you over the past month when you really needed him. This probably makes your pain 100 times worse knowing he was at this while you were grieving.

If you hadn't seen the history of the chats between them on facebbok he would still be acting suspiciously & carrying on with his little charade.
He had only one motive all along and I think we have figured out what that is.

I know it must hurt like hell but you will be the better for this in the end. Walk away with your head held high.

xXLaneyXx

Hi OP,

I know exactly what your going thought.

The same happened to me in a past relationship. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. It was actually text messages I had found. My suspicion rose when we were at a party and his ex was there also. She winked over at him and him at her. I said nothing, we had discussed her before as she caused us trouble in the beginning but I felt very uneasy.
She left earlier than us and I heard his phone go with a text message. He didnt look at it, just put it back in his pocket quickly.

That night I was over come with susicious thoughts, so when he went to sleep i checked his phone. They had been texting for weeks. reminissing stuff, thinking of each other, orgainisng coffee dates so on and so on.

Confronted him and I got the sames excuses. I broke up with him. Now they're together. Heartbreaking as it was It was better for me to find out.

If someone truly loves you and respects you there's no room for things like that. Relationships are hard enough at times without that added in to rock the boat.
Your OH has since told you he's doubting his feelings...I think he's on route to letting you down gently. Thats hard to comes to terms with yes but you deserve to be with someone that truly adores you and puts you first.
I always had doubt in my mind with my ex, its a terrible way to feel. I was never truly completely contented.

Good luck with the outcome OP.

LegacyUser

I know what you are saying is all correct but its such a hard decision to make - I truly love this man with all my heart.
I'm clutching to straws trying to think of the positives.

He says he loves me, has no feelings for her however and he cant believe he done this. He said he is so worried that he would end up hurting me again like this - said it was a moment of madness that should never have happened.
How can someone tell you they love you and say they are scared they will hurt you again?
Surely if they love you they couldn't hurt you?

I do believe he has no feelings for her - maybe it was just for the excitement seeing as I was stressed out & hadn't been giving him enough attention?

I don't want to push him back into something unless his heart is fully in it but I also feel sick thinking about loosing him

Plenty of people hurt people they claim to love all the time, whether it's physical or otherwise. It doesn't mean they actually do; their actions will show you whether they mean it or not. Claiming to love you while being so disrespectful and coming close to cheating on you, well, it means nothing.