Struggling in social situations

LegacyUser

Hi

I posted on here a while back about having problems making friends after moving abroad. I took the advise on board and have since joined a couple of groups that ive been going to for the last few weeks. I really enjoy the activity side of it, but I havent really made friends. Its my own fault - people are very friendly, but i find it hard to blend with others when theres a lot of people. Im too quiet, i know it, but i just dont seem capable of starting random conversations. Other new people to the group have fit in better than me - i hear them talking about their lives, work etc with each other, but unless its do do with the activity of the group, I cant think of anything to talk about or how to approach people.

There is going to be xmas parties coming up for the groups, but im dreading going because i can just see myself sitting there with no one to talk to and I wont have the fallback of the activity to give myself something to do or talk about. Im already starting to think of excuses to avoid it.

It always seems to take me a while for people to get to know me, for example, in work, it took me about a year to get more friendly with people and they seem to actually like me now. But with the groups, we meet once a week, compared to everyday in work so at this rate it would be years before I get to know them properly. Arghh whats wrong with me - this kind of stuff seems to come so naturally to everyone else

Has anyone any advice or do I just keep going to these groups in the hope I eventually click with someone?
Thanks so much for reading.

edellc

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi

I posted on here a while back about having problems making friends after moving abroad. I took the advise on board and have since joined a couple of groups that ive been going to for the last few weeks. I really enjoy the activity side of it, but I havent really made friends. Its my own fault - people are very friendly, but i find it hard to blend with others when theres a lot of people. Im too quiet, i know it, but i just dont seem capable of starting random conversations. Other new people to the group have fit in better than me - i hear them talking about their lives, work etc with each other, but unless its do do with the activity of the group, I cant think of anything to talk about or how to approach people.

There is going to be xmas parties coming up for the groups, but im dreading going because i can just see myself sitting there with no one to talk to and I wont have the fallback of the activity to give myself something to do or talk about. Im already starting to think of excuses to avoid it.

It always seems to take me a while for people to get to know me, for example, in work, it took me about a year to get more friendly with people and they seem to actually like me now. But with the groups, we meet once a week, compared to everyday in work so at this rate it would be years before I get to know them properly. Arghh whats wrong with me - this kind of stuff seems to come so naturally to everyone else

Has anyone any advice or do I just keep going to these groups in the hope I eventually click with someone?
Thanks so much for reading.

Hey OP,

Read your first paragraph and then read the bold bit....

If it takes you a while (a year in work and that was everyday) and you have only been going to these groups for a couple of weeks, one night a week then obviously its not going to click yet...making friends always takes time.

I do think you should keep plowing on with the groups, however I suggest while at home have a think about your interests, work life and about home (as in Ireland) and what you like and enjoy about these things and write them down, bullet points as starters in conversations. Talk about a busy day in work today...interesting project your working on...things you like to do, exercise, music, films etc, talk about home so many people abroad love Ireland ( I know strange ) but they do so talk about your home town, Christmas, are your colleagues going home.

People love to talk about themselves so ask questions and once some one see you are taking an interest in their life they will take an interest in yours and the start of a friendship should grow from there.

Ando's Saggy Bottom

Go easy on yourself OP. Before you can expect others to accept you and love you the way you are you have to accept yourself and like yourself the way you are. There is nothing wrong with being a quieter, more reserved person and some people take longer to make fruiends than others. Nothing wrong with that either. Work on the way you view yourself and the way you seem a little bit critical of yourself and I think the friendships and closeness with others will follow in its own time.

Neyite

OP, there is an old book, but its been reprinted many times since 1937, and you may find it interesting:

How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnagie

Now, its at least a decade since I read it, so I might be a bit hazy on the details but of particular interest to me was the tips and tricks of networking - social chit-chat, or work relationships which I was terrible at. I learned its not about talking, its about listening. (I still yap the hind legs off a donkey , but I've learned to be a better listener because of the book)

I assumed that to get people to like me and befriend me, I needed to let them know all about me. What I was probably doing was boring them with uninteresting details of my life, when what I really needed to do was get to know them - you dont need to be well versed in a particular subject to talk to people. If for instance, someone has an interesting hobby you know they love, ask them how they got started in it, what they love about it, where it takes them in the world etc. If they have children, pretty much most parents are happy to talk the ears off people about their sprogs , but you don't need to listen to them bore you about it, you could open up the conversation to ask them what they thought of the recent referendum, or the cutbacks in schools or whatever. I would suggest though, that tread carefully when its politics or religion. Some people can have strong views!

I'd recommend you get the book anyway, its worth the few quid and may give you inspiration on how to open up conversations.

miamee

People like to talk about themselves for the most part so take the advice above and ask people about themselves. Ask about their family or partner, or something as simple as "Did I hear you say you'd seen the new Bond movie <insert whatever else is appropriate here>, what did you think? I was thinking of going to see it but I'm not sure" or "I saw it and really enjoyed it, it was much better than the last one" or whatever. Don't be disheartened if the answer is "I hate Bond movies" - then you ask well what type of films do you prefer?

I'm a bit 'rabbit-in-headlights' in some social situations myself but for the most part have managed to get around it with some versions of the above