Novice at relationships

LegacyUser

I'm a long time lurker on this forum and have to say I've always been impressed by the quality of advice offered.

I will try to synopsise this but bear with me.

I'm a 28 year old female living abroad (English speaking country). Ever since I've been a toddler I've been painfully shy and a little anti-social. I would easily be scared by situations of meeting new people especially men. In hindsight I can't really pinpoint my source of anxiety to any main event, however because I was so shy I was never popular but always had a small close knit group and never experienced much bullying beyond name-calling and probably being invisible to some people. I was overweight as a teenager which wouldn't have helped confidence etc. Going out on nights out at university I would drink lots and eventually started to kiss boys but because I was either really drunk or not drunk enough to be sociable.

I never had much success or many dates etc. Anyway I started to look after myself, despite a bit of yo-yo dieting I can acknowledge that I'm goodlooking. I've hangups about my size etc but men don't seem to be put off.

I have a few different groups of friends at home and here. Well anyway I've reached the grand old age of 28 without having had a proper relationship.

Last year I had a flurry of interest but met one man 15 years my senior (he doesn't look or act this way). Since I was carried away in my dating phase, I kept it strictly casual and ignored his interest in more. Feelings however grew and by the time I was invested he had lost interest.

I cut the chord after much over and back but deep down knew he would get in touch again.

He left me be for months and then slowly came back and then we started meeting up again. I laid my cards on the table and we agreed to spend more time together. Now here we are meeting every week (we live 150 miles away), meeting each other's friends etc.

My dilemma, I don't know how to act! How to be in bed (body conscious), when we're out, on the phone etc.
He know's I'm shy but he has only just come to realise how much I stress and internalise every situation. I want to be his girlfriend, I want to be confident and show him that I really like him a lot more than I have liked anyone. I'm having stress in my worklife which he has been helping me with. I'd be lost without his support recently.

I'm looking for advice on how to overcome all these anxieties and other issues and just enjoy the feeling of having someone that likes me. Initially age was a factor but I can completely see past that. He's a very confident sociable man with much life experience and relationships behind him. I'm worried he will bore of my up-tightness.

A lot of my problems are from over thinking things. Just looking for any thoughts!

sffc

I'm typing on my phone so I'll be brief . Firstly if you were so terrible he wouldn't have come back for more! You are a special person in his eyes as you are - so don't change too much!
Secondly and maybe more importantly be careful not to get uptight about thinking you are upright and put on an act. In other words stay open with him about these worries. My first date with my gf ( of six months whom I'm crazy about :-) was to a tapas restaurant she suggested. I'd never eaten tapas before and was out of my comfort zone. Rather than bluff and appear more foolish I was honest told her and let her guide me. And what a lovely meal it was!
You need to relax and be you! Best of luck x

RubyRoss

We can’t tell you how to act because there’s no formula for being yourself. It’s just a TV/magazine myth that there is a proper ‘way’ to act in bed or on the phone.

Remember, he already likes you so he’s not judging you; he’s getting to know you better. For example, I find phone conversations really awkward unless I know the other person very well. I used to ignore the phone ringing but now I tell people why I'd rather meet in person. People are very accepting of our individual quirks of character and nature.

If you’re shy or nervous about a new relationship, then that is who you are. You can’t be anyone else. Be honest and tell him you find new people and intimacy awkward. Lots of people are like that and he probably knows a few. Also, he’ll get an ego boost from being the one you want to be with and from helping you overcome your shyness.

sullies

It sounds to me that you are striving to be this perfect partner for this man and not to let him down. You have to find the value in your worth and be yourself. If you want to have a future with this man then you are going to have to be yourself around him and stop worrying. For it to be a true, loving relationship he has to accept you for you, warts and all! Be yourself as l am sure you are a lovely person.

LegacyUser

Thank you to the people who have taken time to reply.
I know in my head that I want to keep him interested but I'm just afraid the way I am will make him lose interest.

What you've all said makes a lot of sense. He clearly has to accept me how I am and he must like me already to be seeing me. I'm not going to change all that much but the way I cope with situations can change. He's made it clear he wants to spend time with me and I need to just be able to enjoy the company.

Also, we're not officially ''an item''. ''going out'' etc. We've skirted around it. I guess for my own piece of mind I'd love to know if he considers us a couple? For instance if he met another woman would he date her as well as me?
Deep down I'm thinking he probably wouldn't but I'd love to know where the line stands.
Last week someone asked me for a drink and I immediately said no as I have no interest.
Should I address this? Should I wait until he mentions it? How does someone bring it up if at all?

Hardonraging

selina1984 wrote: »

Thank you to the people who have taken time to reply.
I know in my head that I want to keep him interested but I'm just afraid the way I am will make him lose interest.

What you've all said makes a lot of sense. He clearly has to accept me how I am and he must like me already to be seeing me. I'm not going to change all that much but the way I cope with situations can change. He's made it clear he wants to spend time with me and I need to just be able to enjoy the company.

Also, we're not officially ''an item''. ''going out'' etc. We've skirted around it. I guess for my own piece of mind I'd love to know if he considers us a couple? For instance if he met another woman would he date her as well as me?
Deep down I'm thinking he probably wouldn't but I'd love to know where the line stands.
Last week someone asked me for a drink and I immediately said no as I have no interest.
Should I address this? Should I wait until he mentions it? How does someone bring it up if at all?

Instead of wondering how you should act for / around him, perhaps work on your confidence, address the issue with him, other wise you may find your self in a situation that you dont want to be in ..