Should my kids always come first?

LegacyUser

I would really like peoples opinions on this.

I seperated almost nine years ago, and have raised my two children practically alone. They are now 15 and 11 and are both great children, I have never had any issues with them from school or anywhere.
Last year, having spent many years single, I finally met someone and he has proposed and we are getting married soon. We are both early 40s and very happy.
The thing is, he is not a 'children' person at all. He has no kids of his own and while himself and my two kids get on 'well', there doesn't seem to be any real connection between them.
I think I had always hoped that if I ever settled down, it would be with someone who loved my kids the way I do. I realise now that that was unrealistic of me.
My children are both at an age where they don't really want to know me anymore anyway. They have both become very independent of me and having spent the past nine years with them almost all of the time, I find myself more and more without them.
So I love this guy. I really do. He makes me happier than I have ever been in my life.
But the truth is, he is not the man I hoped I would meet 'for' my kids.

I want to marry him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And I know that being my childrens parent hasn't changed that much in the past year (he isn't sharing the parenting role with me, he is a bit detached from what goes on with the kids).

Am I the most selfish mother in the world?
There is a massive part of me that knows that I have given up my own life for the past 9yrs to concentrate soley on my two children.
And there is another part of me that feels that I am doing them a dis-service by not marrying someone who makes all three of us happy (although they get along fine, and it's more about him not being involved with them than anything).

Roisy7

Look as the daughter of a single parent I really want to tell you, don't feel guilty. The world and its mother will try and cast you as the devil but you are a good mother. The fact that this is worrying you so much is proof of that.

You say they get on well, then what's the problem? I don't know if they have a relationship with their own father but perhaps his "hands off" approach is wise. Someone coming in and trying to be their new dad would probably just backfire. If they have a light and friendly relationship that may always deepen.

I sense a bit of empty nest creeping up? Your 11-year-old will need you more than ever in the next couple of years no matter what they say. Atm they may cringe at the sight of you, but they still love you.

And look, I'm an only child and the weight of my mother's attention weighed a bit too heavily on me. You need to have your own life, it's healthy for everyone.

Good luck with the wedding and I wish you, your partner and children every happiness x

An Bhanríon

My father died when I was six and my sister eleven. Over the years my mother met a few men. I was so jealous of anyone taking her attention away from me. Now, however, I see how lonely she is and I feel so sad that she never got together with somebody else.

If your children are happy that you are getting married I would totally go for it if I were you. Just make sure they understand that you are still totally there for them and will always be. Your new partner not being part of their lives may be more of a blessing than you think. And, who knows, as they get older they may really appreciate him as a second adult role model in the house to give them ideas how to behave when they are older and when they eventually leave home.

And when they leave home and you are lonely that they are gone, you will have your lovely man to give you a hug and tell you everything is going to be alright. And, even better, your children won't be worrying that you're lonely and all by yourself.

Wishing you all the happiness in the world.

StillWaters

If your children were much younger my advice would be different. But my advice just echoes those above. At this stage in your childrens lives bringing in a man to play dad would have been fraught with difficulties, this man sounds eminently sensible, he has respected your relationship and bond with your children, and it sounds like the seeds are there for a friendship to form.

Really you have no reason to agonise or feel guilty.

LegacyUser

Your lucky to have met someone who loves you.
Your children are now 11 and 15 in the next 5 to 10 years they will be leaving home, going to college, traveling ect.
A lot of men are not children people until they have there own children or have nephews or nieces. Your oh has no children of his own or may not be an uncle so he has very little experience of children but you are lucky that he gets on well with your two children.
He is not involved in there lives yet but this is will change when you get married.
I would not let this chance for you to have your own life go for the sake of you children who you have put first for the past nine years and now it is important for you to have your own life as your children grow up.
So many people of your age are single and would love to meet a decent man so don't give him up as he not fully involved in every aspect of your children lives.
If they are happy that you have met him and they all get on well together I would be looking forward to your wedding and the rest of your life.

tony81

Your kids don't need a new father.. at their age they can respect someone who provides for their mother without him carrying them round on his shoulders or teaching them to shave. Who knows, they might hit it off anyway.

.Worst thing you can do for them is smother them by neglecting other relationships. They're going to get older, you'll always be there for them, but don't end up intruding on their lives by giving them an obligation eg "mum gave up everything for us, we can't go to college away from home and leave mum on her own"

Live your own life and let them live theirs. You'll still be there for them if they need you. If anything it's healthy for your kids to witness functional adult relationships.

Sorcha16

What a child needs most is a happy parent. Be kind to yourself first so you can also be kind to them

jimmycrackcorm

I haven't a clue what your issue is. Your partner and kids seem happy enough so there doesn't appear to be a problem.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the advice here everyone. Particulary from children of single parents like myself as my biggest concern is the damage I might do them for when they get older!! I suppose it's typicaly 'irish mammy guilt' but having read the replies, I can see that it's ok to be selfish and think of myself.
I suppose it has been a difficult transition for me - their dad is not involved at all (his own choice) and in the early days, I did feel like I had failed them for not choosing a father who would be there for them. I suppose as the years have gone on, I've realised that actually I had no control over his decisions and just did the best I could do for them.
There are days when I feel like I'm abandoning them though, in favour of my partner (yesterday was one of those days) because previously my life revolved around getting them from A to B, spending time with them etc (I work full time so it's been difficult to keep all the balls in the air so to speak!). Nowadays, I fit my partner into my day and sometimes feel like I'm neglecting them..
Thanks again for the input, it's opened my eyes!

manti452

Honestly OP Balance in life is always hard to find for me.. making sure I'm doing the things that need to be done and seeing the people that need to be seen. You're at a point where your kids are starting to find their own feet and venture out and it's wise for you to really think about your own future.

I too am a child of separated parents, lived with my mother and took me years to speak to my father. My mother did the Irish Mammy and gave up everything for us to the point where she's still on her own and we do worry about her in the future. My Dad recently remarried (civil thing) but that created it's own issues as he married a previous close family friend.. I have zero contact with her and no desire to spend any time with her after what happened.. see how messy it gets? And I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters to add to that mix LOL

You're lucky to have met someone and double lucky they get on with your kids. If it remains a cordial friendship that's still a good outcome. Could be a lot worse. If I've learned anything from my experience it's that communication is key to making sure everyone's ok. Let your kids know you'll be there for them whenever, wherever.. a phone call away. And vice versa your partner should understand that there are times you may need to prioritise the kids. If he's hands off in terms of helping out with them then he needs to respect that decision and give you the time and support you need to raise your children.

Hope that wasn't all too heavy but I thought maybe another person who's been through it from the kids side might help reinforce the fact that you're not doing anything wrong here, just keep talking and be present with your kids when they do need you

Best of luck!