Possible or am I naive?

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

I really need some opinions. A couple months ago I met a gorgeous girl and we hit it off. I go to college in Dublin and she lives across the country with her aunt (about an hour from my actual hometown). I've been visiting her at weekends, usually from Thursday until Sundays/Mondays. I have friends in her town so we usually stayed with them. However, during the week she found out that she has to go back to her home country tomorrow (obviously she's not Irish) which is the other side of the world.

I saw her for the last time about half an hour ago, and I'm completely cut up. I am sitting on a train back to Dublin and I am struggling mightily to hold back the tears as I type (actually I've been unsuccessful). I know it was only a couple of months, but we had started to develop really strong feelings for eachother. It took me quite a while to get over my last girlfriend, in fact this girl is the one that made me realise that I could do better than my ex. I'm only 21, she's 22, but for a while I could genuinely see a future for us. She is everything I looked for - very pretty, sweet, caring, funny etc.. She took me completely by surprise, I'd been seeing different girls trying to get over my ex and never felt anything for them, and then this girl came along. I just can't come to grips with the fact that I may never see her again. It seems so unbelievable cruel. I actually feel like there's been a death. I know this sounds a bit dramatic, but that's really how I feel.

Neither of us want to give up on eachother and have agreed to stay in contact via skype/facebook/telephone. However a relationship at the moment is obviously off the cards as it's simply not possible to see eachother. We've said that we'll be together again one day, but what I'm asking you guys, is is this possible? She has no plans at the moment to come back here. I've said I'll visit her for a month in the summer, but that's 8 months away and feelings can change, not to mention I'm still young to travel across the world alone for a month to a country in which I only speak a little of the language. I can't bare thinking that I will never see her again. Is this just a naive pipedream or is it possible? It seems more like something that would happen in a movie than real life. Has anyone any experiences similar to this or know of any? Even if I do go over and everything goes well, what then?

I just want to hear that all hope is not lost.

LegacyUser

Can't anyone offer anything? Somebody has to have some experience like this, or have a friend that's gone through something similar...

I shouldn't be this upset but it's really killing me. I could try to move on and forget her, but I don't want to. I'm trying really hard to believe that I will meet her in the summer and everything will be OK...

Thanks in advance - I know it's not the most serious relationship thread on here but I seriously need somebody to say something. I can't talk to my friends about this!

woodchuck

I haven't been there myself, but I've heard of both possible outcomes. I've a friend who met someone while she was abroad. They only knew each other for a couple of months, but decided to give the long distance thing a go. It was a very rocky road for a few years (I don't know all the gorey details, but there were one or two break ups involved), but now they're happily married and living in his home country.

Having said that you hear a LOT more stories of long distance relationships that don't work out.

It's up to the two of you to decide if you want to try a long distance relationship or not. But I think it needs to be all or nothing. Ie stay committed to each when you're apart and both make the effort to keep in touch and see each other when you can (has she mentioned visiting you?). So even if this is something you're willing to do yourself, she has to be just as committed. This talk of being together again 'one day' would worry me. Either give the long distance thing your all or just draw a line under the relationship now and move on.

mood

OP why did she choose to live here and why did return to her home country? Considering she lives so far away and doesn't plan to return to Ireland I think long distance relationship may not work out. I've never been in the same situation but know a couple who have. However, they were in their late 20s, with good job that allowed them to take long holidays and they had plenty of money for flights etc.

daisybelle2008

NeedTCL wrote: »

not to mention I'm still young to travel across the world alone for a month to a country in which I only speak a little of the language.
I can't bare thinking that I will never see her again. Is this just a naive pipedream or is it possible?
I just want to hear that all hope is not lost.

You're a grown man of 21, why would travel be such a big deal to you, your more than old enough to travel? You have 8 months to learn some of the language also.

Who knows what'll happen you can canvas a lot of opinion and all that will tell you is: it worked out the way some wanted and not for others. Every situation is different. Maybe you will change your mind too, anything can happen. After all you thought no one could replace your ex and they did.

Big Bag of Chips

It is possible.. but it's also unlikely. You see yourself as too young. Your use of 'just' 21 and saying you are young to go travelling across the world on your own, and that feelings might change between now & the summer, makes me think you feel you're not really ready for a longterm 'rest of your lives together' relationship.

Enjoy it for what it is now. Take the broken heart when she leaves. Keep in touch for a while, but then you will probably meet someone who you fall madly in love with and she will become a nice memory.

It is possible for it to work out... I just don't think you're in 'that place' at this stage of your life.

Reesy

Can you get the funds / time to go see her in her own country over the Christmas break?

That trip would give you lots more information about how strongly you feel about each other & how feasible it would be to spend time in her country.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

woodchuck wrote: »

I haven't been there myself, but I've heard of both possible outcomes. I've a friend who met someone while she was abroad. They only knew each other for a couple of months, but decided to give the long distance thing a go. It was a very rocky road for a few years (I don't know all the gorey details, but there were one or two break ups involved), but now they're happily married and living in his home country.

Having said that you hear a LOT more stories of long distance relationships that don't work out.

It's up to the two of you to decide if you want to try a long distance relationship or not. But I think it needs to be all or nothing. Ie stay committed to each when you're apart and both make the effort to keep in touch and see each other when you can (has she mentioned visiting you?). So even if this is something you're willing to do yourself, she has to be just as committed. This talk of being together again 'one day' would worry me. Either give the long distance thing your all or just draw a line under the relationship now and move on.

She has mentioned wanting to come back to see me, but really nothing has been planned. She found it she was going back at very short notice. I realise she has to be as committed as me, so I will have a talk with her when she gets settled back home and see what we're prepared to do. I think it's hard to ask her to enter a LDR now though considering how long it will be before we see eachother again. She is not the type to date a lot of boys anyway, she has to really like them. So I guess if she starts dating anyone over there that's pretty much it (although she did say that if I go over to her she will make sure she is single, albeit jokingly).

OP why did she choose to live here and why did return to her home country? Considering she lives so far away and doesn't plan to return to Ireland I think long distance relationship may not work out. I've never been in the same situation but know a couple who have. However, they were in their late 20s, with good job that allowed them to take long holidays and they had plenty of money for flights etc.

Case of the grass being greener. She didn't like her country a lot and has family here. It was also an opportunity to pick up some English. However it turns out her aunty, whom she stayed with, was a bit of a control freak and didn't want her leaving the house much despite her being 22. She missed her family and friends a lot and vice versa, so her family back home bought her flight back home. She came to realise after all the rain etc here that her country isn't so bad after all! You make a good point. We are both students and have little money.

You're a grown man of 21, why would travel be such a big deal to you, your more than old enough to travel? You have 8 months to learn some of the language also.

Who knows what'll happen you can canvas a lot of opinion and all that will tell you is: it worked out the way some wanted and not for others. Every situation is different. Maybe you will change your mind too, anything can happen. After all you thought no one could replace your ex and they did.

I wouldn't necessarily have a problem with travelling, the worry is more about cost, language, and how my family would react. They don't even know she exists and travelling to Brazil would probably seem extreme to them. Of course I wouldn't let them decide for me, but it would still be on my mind how they'd react.

You're right. Maybe my feelings will change although I really don't want that to happen. I guess I will find out in the coming weeks just how interested she is and that will tell me all I need to know.

It is possible.. but it's also unlikely. You see yourself as too young. Your use of 'just' 21 and saying you are young to go travelling across the world on your own, and that feelings might change between now & the summer, makes me think you feel you're not really ready for a longterm 'rest of your lives' together relationship.

Enjoy it for what it is now. Take the broken heart when she leaves. Keep in touch for a while, but then you will probably meet someone who you fall madly in love with and she will become a nice memory.

It is possible for it to work out... I just don't think you're in 'that' place at this stage of your life.

You might be right, but I'm not sure. My use of "just" 21 was more to do with the fact that it's big decision to make for someone my age to travel that far... I don't see our youth as a problem for the actual relationship. I'm prepared to take risks - I'd rather regret what I've done than what I've not done. As far as is being a "rest of your lives" type relationship, I would view it as too early to make that call, but I certainly wouldn't be against it as long as we're happy. I'd love if we ended up together. I've had plenty of fun, I don't feel the need to be with lots of girls, I'm much happier with one person that I really have something with.

I will have to talk to her and see what she wants. If we're going to keep in touch long term and see eachother on skype, I know I'm not going to meet anyone else. I wouldn't be able because I like this girl too much and as long as she feels the same, I wouldn't want to even look at anyone else in this way. But yes, if she doesn't want the same, I will have to move on. I appreciate your input, you could be right and perhaps I just don't know it yet.

Can you get the funds / time to go see her in her own country over the Christmas break?

That trip would give you lots more information about how strongly you feel about each other & how feasible it would be to spend time in her country.

Good luck.

I would say it's unlikely. Flights to Brazil cost about 1000 euro on a good day. And she said if I'm to come over, I'd probably need to stay a month to make it worth my while. I'd suggested two weeks but she wants me to stay much longer! I'll look into it, but I can't say it's likely. I'd also be conscious of the fact that her family may not want a randomer (to them) in the house for that long over the Christmas period, especially as they don't speak English.


Thank you all for the input, it's very helpful. If anyone has anything more to add please do, it's helping me come to grips with the whole thing.

Lorna123

You sound like a very nice chap OP. I really hate to think that you are going through all of this pain. Lads really fall hard at 21 and I can easily understand where you are coming from. I would not be in favour of you travelling to Brazil though, I don't think it is a good idea. This girl made a choice to go back to Brazil knowing that she would be leaving you behind. She could have stayed but she chose not to.

I think you are going through this pain because there was a sudden ending and that is hard to get to grips with. You didn't have time to adjust. You now have to change your whole social life in order to go forward and this is also upsetting.

There is no harm keeping in touch with this girl OP, and if it makes you feel good then do it, but don't expect too much. Keeping in touch with the girl might help you while you are adjusting. There is no question that you will never see her again, all of that is possible in the future. She knows how to come to Ireland, better than you know how to go to Brazil and she might come here again.

Don't worry too much about all of this. You have a great life ahead of you and just take your time and live each day as it comes and don't dwell on what is going to happen in the future. All of that will take care of itself when the time comes.

Cheer up OP and hope you feel better soon.

mood

OP I assumed she returned home because she had no choice (ie visa expired, ill parents etc). However, she did have a choice. She choose to go home rather than stay to be near you until her visa expired. To me this indicates that there is not much future in the relationship. Sorry to say that but maybe your better drawing a line under it and moving on.

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

You sound like a very nice chap OP. I really hate to think that you are going through all of this pain. Lads really fall hard at 21 and I can easily understand where you are coming from. I would not be in favour of you travelling to Brazil though, I don't think it is a good idea. This girl made a choice to go back to Brazil knowing that she would be leaving you behind. She could have stayed but she chose not to.

Thanks Lorna. I see where you're coming from but I can't blame her for going back. We weren't officially a couple, I only saw her at the weekends (and not even every weekend, although most), she didn't speak much of the language and had few friends here. Not to mention she was unhappy living with her aunt as she had no freedom to do as she pleased. The last few times I see her was only during the day while her aunt was working, because she didn't want her out at night!! So it would have been very unfair of me to expect her to stay - I really can't hold that against her. Yes she had a choice, but I think everyone would do the same. Maybe if we'd been together longer she may have stayed, but we'd only known eachother for a couple of months.

I think you are going through this pain because there was a sudden ending and that is hard to get to grips with. You didn't have time to adjust. You now have to change your whole social life in order to go forward and this is also upsetting.

Possibly. I wish I had more time with her before she left. I'm going to send her a little gift to remember us by. It will help me get through this if we decide not to pursue this. At least then I'll know she has something nice to remember us by.

There is no harm keeping in touch with this girl OP, and if it makes you feel good then do it, but don't expect too much. Keeping in touch with the girl might help you while you are adjusting. There is no question that you will never see her again, all of that is possible in the future. She knows how to come to Ireland, better than you know how to go to Brazil and she might come here again.

She should be at her home by tonight, so hopefully by tomorrow night or the following day she will have the time to send me a message or get in touch. I'm sure we will stay in contact for a while as leaving eachother was very hard for both of us. As time goes on we'll see how we really feel, I guess. I'm somewhat coming to terms with it now. All of your messages and comments have helped, too!

Don't worry too much about all of this. You have a great life ahead of you and just take your time and live each day as it comes and don't dwell on what is going to happen in the future. All of that will take care of itself when the time comes.

Cheer up OP and hope you feel better soon.

Thank you! Life isn't fair sometimes but we just have to get on with it. I'll never forget this girl but I suppose if it's meant to be, it will be. If not, then I will be a stronger person for it.

OP I assumed she returned home because she had no choice (ie visa expired, ill parents etc). However, she did have a choice. She choose to go home rather than stay to be near you until her visa expired. To me this indicates that there is not much future in the relationship. Sorry to say that but maybe your better drawing a line under it and moving on.

I don't believe it's as simple as that. Things are more complicated than staying or going. As I mentioned at the start of the post, it would have been very unfair to ask her to make a choice. It's one I wouldn't have came out on top of anyway, and I wouldn't expect to. That doesn't mean we don't have feelings for eachother or wish we could be together. But who knows what the future holds; I'll just have to wait and see.

Thanks all.

Lorna123

Nothing is impossible and I bet you will see this girl again. I have no doubt about it. You are coming across very sensible and this will stand to you in the coming months. You are both very young right now but time will pass and then it will become obvious as to how this will work out. Go out and enjoy life in the meantime and you never know what is around the corner. Best of Luck OP.