Advice needed

LegacyUser

Hi all, apologies if this will be a little vague or messy in places. My head is completely melted. My partner and i recently had a massive fight and i'm so messed up at the min i don't know what way is up or down. We were on a night out with a group of his friends, there were 2 people that i hadn't met before. We were the last to join them and my partner sat down next to a woman i didn't know. He spent about 4 out of the 5 hours we were out sitting next to her. There were about 12 people out apart from us. This woman was the touchy feely type and kept rubbing or touching my boyfriend when talking to him. You know things like a quick hand squeeze or hug but just a lot of contact. During the night she made several digs at me, all of them my bf laughed at, as in this is just the craic laugh at everything type of laughing, not cruel laughter. She reminded him about an ex of his who is her friend and told me that this girl had broken his heart and he was forever ruined from it and would never love again, he could only hope to settle for someone and a bunch of others things along those lines.

I was extremely upset at the rudeness but kept my head about it and just said nothing. Then she loudly asked me about my bfs penis size, in front of his brother and sister in law, i was hugely mortified and just said oh ha ha i've never even been introduced to you before so i think thats a completely inappropriate question, fake laughter, etc. She threw a bit of a stomp but it faded into the conversation. I switched to drinking a soft drink and the host (whose house we were in) was well oiled and insisted on giving me a drink, there was only spirits at this stage and i ended up with vodka, which i don't drink. I wasn't drinking but as my frustrations grew over the hours and other insults i drank two glasses on top of what i drank earlier and was a bit drunk when we got home.

When we did get home i asked oh to talk about what happened, he said no and he'd discuss my awful behaviour with me the next day. I was a bit floored as i did nothing but politely smile at people and engage in small talk all evening. I said to him i needed to talk about it now and that i was very upset, he told me i was a stupid disgusting drunk and i had made a disgrace of myself and embarrassed him amongst his friends by not saying he had a penis that rivalled the empire state building and said i made a scene by not answering. I was really shocked that he expected me to give the impression like that about myself to all his local friends and his brother especially and felt horrible that he put their opinion of him over insulting me (it was just the one girl who was insulting to me).

As i'm the sort of person that needs to talk about things straight away and not at all the kind who keeps quiet and sulks for days etc i pushed talking then. He continued several times with what he'd said before, acting really cold and uncaring and quite angry at me. He then told me that i was a disgusting drunk and i had a drinking problem and he was a saint for putting up with a disgraceful drunk like me. He told me i was stupid and to get away from him, that i was a complete disgraced, had embarrassed him and the sight of me disgusted him...and then i smacked him. A full on face slap. I didn't see it coming and straight away said omg i'm so sorry but he walked out.

The next day something bigger happened so i apologized, he accepted and we forgot about it although he didn't apologize for anything he did. Then when i was on an important personal trip he texted me to say we were finished, that i was a violent abuser and he could never love someone so awful and he couldn't believe that me being such a monster had turned him into a victim of domestic abuse. I tried to speak to him a few times and offered to meet up or take a night away when i was back but he ignored me except to say he'd packed up all my stuff and anything that reminded him of me and he was well on the road to getting over me.

This was about a week ago, now he's texting me again, he doesn't want me to speak to anyone about what happened and has told me not to tell anyone so they don't know what a criminal i am. He's interested in talking but hasn't said much else apart from that he's been reading up on violent offenders and apparently hitting someone is like murder and they always do it again. I'm not a violent person, i'm not into relationship games or anything. As soon as it happened i held up my hands and apologized but he can't even see that he did anything wrong. I don't think i am a violent domestic abuser but i'm starting to think maybe i could be and am so freaked out about who i am becoming. Would appreciate any advice here...

RossFixxxed

Well there's a few things here.

He sounds like a complete flake and a drama queen. You didn't have to answer a question like that at all and shouln't have been asked it in the first place. He's flying to all kinds of over the top conclusions. This could mean he wants out of the relationship. Maybe you are a dreadful drunk and your memories of it are not correct? I can't really tell.


You should NOT have hit him. I can't say if you would do it again, I don't know you, but it is really, really not on.

The whole thing comes across as very weird, and things are far from right with you guys. Do either of you have a drinking problem? Has he hinted/intimated he wants out?

sullies

Any sort of violence is a betrayal of trust. Getting slapped in the face is one thing (you could maybe excuse it once if you were completely hammered drunk), however l worry about this other awful thing that happened the day after. From reading your post it sounds like you are no longer together. Did you really want to be in a relationship that hurt you so much that you resorted to violence? Violence has no place in any true loving relationship. I would suggest maybe getting some anger management to deal with your emotions so that you can control your hurt and anger better in future.

Richy06

You dodged a bullet in the shape of a game playing, ego centric asswipe, OP.

You reacted, impulsively, to him abusing you. But one slap does not make you a domestic abuser. It looks and sounds to me like he's using this as a pretty poor excuse to exit the relationship.

woodchuck

It's very hard to give you advice based your post OP... unfortunately there are two sides to every story. And what is the 'bigger' thing that happened the next day?

On the one hand he sounds like a bit of a drama queen and/or is looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship.

On the other hand, you've admitted that you were drunk that night... is it possible you acted worse than you recall? And slapping him in the face isn't on. However from what you've said (and I can only go by what you've said...) it doesn't sound like domestic abuse. This would usually involve one partner having physical and/or mental power over the other. This may sound like a double standard, but surely he would've been physically capable of fighting back if he needed to? I'm not excusing what you did, but for me it's not as bad as a man hitting a woman (although I know there are cases of domestic abuse where the abuser is the woman, but he sounds well able to stand up to you, which makes me think he's over reacting to an isolated incident and possibly using it as an excuse to get out of the relationship instead of forgiving you this one time and moving on).

CarMe

I've a funny feeling you're leaving some bits out? If exactly what you say is true then it sounds like HE needs mental help, making himself out to be the victim of domestic abuse is laughable to be honest! Of course it's not great to go around slapping people but Id have been so angry if someone said to me the things he said to you id have certainly stormed out and I wouldn't discuss anything further with him.
Also your presponse to the penis question was totally fair and he sounds like an awful gobsh!te!
As I said though I've a feeling you're leaving something out, otherwise you had a very lucky escape from what sounds like a mad man!

Forever Hopeful

Op,
To be honest, I cringed a bit reading your post. I have to ask, what has your relationship been like before this? How long have you been together? Has your boyfriend been insensitive like this before? Was this the straw that broke the camel's back for you? Answers to these questions will help frame your problem.
Slapping your boyfriend is terrible and what if he did that to you? We always hear nothing warrants physical abuse. Yes he behaved like a twat and to me both of you have reason to walk away and never look back.
You are not giving all the details which is your prerogative but walk away. Move on.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

Sorry everyone, i'll clear a few things up. The thing that happened the next day was to do with his work and nothing to do with our relationship. Basically we talked about the fight i apologized, he accepted, and i said not to worry about the work stuff, we'd get through it together and i'd support him through it. That was that until i got the text on my trip saying we were finished, but now he's trying to talk to me and acting like we are together as usual but going on about this domestic violence and how he is the victim of domestic abuse, has been reading up on it and he knows i will do it again because wikipedia tells him so, because domestic offenders are just like murderers.

When i said i was drunk, i wasn't out of my mind, i'd had a few drinks as had he. The only stuff i'm leaving out is the other insults the friend threw at me, didn't figure it would add to the post to list out each one, i've tried to give each of our sides but sorry it doesn't read well. I felt i was hugely insulted at the party and humiliated because he just let it continue and laughed with the girl. 3 of his friends said to him afterwards that i had a right to be annoyed but i should just let it go, they would be friends with the girl who said it all. He felt that i embarrassed him by not answering favourably with the penis thing and not engaging more in the laughing about me, he says i behaved poorly and made a show of myself by sitting there quietly and he doesn't feel he did anything wrong whatsoever and that it was all me being a drunken disgusting violent abuser and he is a victim and i need to know this.

I'm so wrecked now not going whats going on

LegacyUser

Yes he dumped me by text and then wouldn't speak to me when i tried talking and meeting and apologizing further. But now he's acting like all is normal and i'm just a bad bad girlfriend

Esoteric_

There are two completely different sides to this, so I'll try give an opinion on both sides.

1. His behaviour - that woman was completely bang out of order, and he should NOT have been laughing at her petty digs or letting her be so touchy feely. My ex had a friend like that, she'd throw herself on to his lap and kiss his cheek and stroke his face all while I was in the room, all while telling me how unattractive my dress/jacket/top/jeans looked and how I should dress to suit myself, and also texting him telling him I was a weirdo and she was 'nothing like that weirdo.' In the end, he realised I was extremely upset and he called her out on it, which resulted in her cutting contact with him. Your boyfriend was bang out of order, the woman was bang out of order, and if what you said is true, you did nothing wrong, and indeed I think it takes some balls to tell somebody that they're being inappropriate.

2. The slap. Sorry, but I disagree with people saying it's not abuse. It bloody well is. If a man slapped me across the face during an argument and I posted here, I can guarantee you that the vast majority of posters here would tell me to dump him. Hitting someone is abuse. It's not continued domestic abuse, but it is horrible, disgusting, abusive behaviour and if I'm going to be totally honest, no matter WHAT I'd done to provoke somebody, if they hit me, I'd be gone and never look back.

I think your ex has some serious issues that he needs to address and I think he's a complete and utter headwrecker and a drama queen and probably desperate for attention, but I also think that it's best for both of you to be out of the relationship. He was wrong, yes, no doubt about it. But NOTHING justifies you hitting him. I'd advise you to cut contact and try your best to move on. I know it's hard and it hurts, but if it's sunk to a level where he's calling you horrible names and you've slapped him, I don't personally think it's worth it.

dellas1979

You should never hit anyone under any circumstance, and you know that.

But you've never done it before. And you feel so crappy now and remorseful, I severly doubt you will be doing it again. And you should think about this when standing up for yourself.

I think you should apologise once more to this guy, explain the above, and walk away. Get yourself right, and move one. There is noway on this earth the guy will admit to being part of you getting so angry and distraught. I guarantee you he will bring it up again and again and again. To him, you were drunk and out of control. Heck, maybe you were, but getting that angry with someone-someone who will provoke you and whose behaviour obviously annoys you, is going to do you no favours.

daisybelle2008

OP, we could be here till the end of time debating the wrongs and rights of what you describe. Bottom line is ye bring out the worst in each other and seem very incompatible. I'd go with the break up, far too much drama and negativity to be handling. The relationship has just run its course, staying past the sell by date just prolongs a ****ty situation IMHO.

woodchuck

headmelted wrote: »

Yes he dumped me by text and then wouldn't speak to me when i tried talking and meeting and apologizing further. But now he's acting like all is normal and i'm just a bad bad girlfriend

He can't have it both ways. Either he forgives and forgets, or he can't forgive and you break up.

Be honest with yourself though... is this a relationship worth saving? Nothing you've mentioned here indicates that it is...

shalalala

I have been with someone and I have slapped them. I am not proud of myself. In fact I am ashamed of myself and I wish I had never done it. I know that what I am about to say is in line with domestic abuse but I was pushed to it and it sounds like you were.

Op. Do you really want this guy back? He sounds like a prize prick. He flirted with a girl for hours, ignored you, blamed you and made you feel bad about it. I think the nail in the coffin was saying that you had embarrassed him. That is just plain hurtful and I feel like it was him lashing out on you because he knew that he had done wrong.

OP Don't take his rubbish anymore and don't take him back until he apologises to you.

Roisy7

shalalala wrote: »

I have been with someone and I have slapped them. I am not proud of myself. In fact I am ashamed of myself and I wish I had never done it. I know that what I am about to say is in line with domestic abuse but I was pushed to it and it sounds like you were.

Op. Do you really want this guy back? He sounds like a prize prick. He flirted with a girl for hours, ignored you, blamed you and made you feel bad about it. I think the nail in the coffin was saying that you had embarrassed him. That is just plain hurtful and I feel like it was him lashing out on you because he knew that he had done wrong.

OP Don't take his rubbish anymore and don't take him back until he apologises to you.

I agree with Shalala. I've done it too, not proud of myself. I really did regret it and beat myself up about it for a long time. The man in question had pushed me to my absolute limit but that's no excuse.

OP I don't judge you. He sounds like a creep and you made a mistake, you are not an abuser.

I agree though, this sort of behaviour only occurs in unhealthy relationships. This is absolutely toxic stuff, and I think you should cut contact.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for replies. The relationship has been a few years, nothing like this had happened before and we were talking marriage a bit lately and wedding y stuff. Things took a turn for the worse in line with his work situation, i put it down to that he couldn't lash out at it but needed something to lash out at and i was it. That was for the few days before this night and then he got worse news about work the following day.

I am sickened that i slapped him, luckily i'm not that strong, he laughed at my 'weak' slap too. It disgusts me that i got so upset and couldn't do anything about it other than snap. Normally i'm a very down to earth person with stuff like this, i never advocate violence or anything, i'm a much more walk away with my head held high person than someone who gets dragged into these things. I have repeatedly apologized and although he has said he accepted and forgave me then he dumped me by text with a lot of insults, now its him acting like we're back together and wanting to head out but still vilifying me for making him a domestic abuse victim and giving me all his proud moment statistics that he's read online. He's ordered me not to tell anyone because then everyone will know how awful i am and my life will get never get through it.

I feel so awful about what i've done but i think i've done all i can to correct it. I know it wasn't from the alcohol because just thinking about what i experienced that night and his insults and coldness and refusal to talk i feel myself boiling over again and all i had this week was one glass of wine on sat night! I'm still so angry and so hurt that he refuses to acknowledge his behaviour or to care that he hurt me too. But i'm pretty sure he never will so i guess thats the bottom line, we both did wrong things and while i took responsibility and apologized and wanted to fix things, he did none of that. Thanks for the advice everyone

Esoteric_

No matter how good your relationship has been in previous years, the fact that it's descended to violence is a horrible sign. I don't think he's right in quoting statistics to you, however I do genuinely believe that if somebody hits me once, they have the capacity to do it again, so to be honest, I can see where he's coming from, a little.

If you both want to fix things, I'd really recommend counselling because it sounds like he gets a kick out of winding you up, and you honestly need to address whatever it is that ended up with you hitting him. I'm sorry, but 'normal' anger doesn't lead to hitting somebody, so I'd really recommend that you both get counselling, either together or separately, so you can both resolve any issues and move on, if that's what you want to do.

I know I'm sounding very harsh in my posts, but I don't intend to be harsh. I'm just judging it the same way that I'd judge a man hitting a woman because I don't believe that gender should play a role in what happened.

Good luck, OP.

movingsucks

I think you should just end things with him. You slapped him and he sounds like a control freak.
Only you can control your temper, you never slapped before so make sure you never do it again and learn from the behaviour.
He's gonna lord it over you for god knows how long so do yourself a favour and break up.
Start fresh with the next person and learn from your mistakes and hopefully he will be kinder to next girlfriend also but that isn't your concern.

shalalala

He cannot order you to do or not do something. After it happened in my situation I told a couple of people, my best friends and my mam. I got very very different responses and it really helped me and my OH deal with the situation. Like you I was at boiling point. Like you I have never done it before, I recognised it as a problem but he recognised that it was him aswell. He had brought me to boiling point. And we tried to fix it. Obviously it has not been plain sailing and what he has said and done and what I have done has left damages.

He is failing to see that he had a part to blame. So how can you work anything out? He cannot take the victim line, that needs to be shared.

I really think that unless he will apologise you are over. I also think that you need to speak to someone.

Esoteric_

shalalala wrote: »

He is failing to see that he had a part to blame. So how can you work anything out? He cannot take the victim line, that needs to be shared.

Um... He IS the victim of violence. He was a complete and utter idiot and very disrespectful and hurtful, but that didn't justify in any way being slapped, so I don't see how he can see that 'he had a part to blame.' No matter what he did, it was nothing compared to her hitting him.

shalalala

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Um... He IS the victim of violence. He was a complete and utter idiot and very disrespectful and hurtful, but that didn't justify in any way being slapped, so I don't see how he can see that 'he had a part to blame.' No matter what he did, it was nothing compared to her hitting him.

IMO he pushed her to it. I don't condone it! I have said this. But he treated her like utter sh!t. That needs to be apologised for. What she did may have been physical but what he did was mental bullying. IMO that is equal.

Esoteric_

shalalala wrote: »

IMO he pushed her to it. I don't condone it! I have said this. But he treated her like utter sh!t. That needs to be apologised for. What she did may have been physical but what he did was mental bullying. IMO that is equal.

Nobody can push another to violence. It's something you choose to do, just as he chose to be a twat to her. Completely unequal.

shalalala

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Nobody can push another to violence. It's something you choose to do, just as he chose to be a twat to her. Completely unequal.

Agree to disagree

P. Breathnach

OP, I think we can all agree that the slap was a bad thing.

The treatment that you were subjected to by this woman was exceedingly bad, in my judgement. Perhaps I am idiosyncratic in seeing attacks on a person's psyche as often being more serious than attacks on the body. It seems that this woman set out to humiliate you, to make you feel bad about yourself and your relationship with your boyfriend. And the person who you should expect to support and defend you went along with it. And then he took umbrage at your refusal to play silly games to feed his ego.

Now he is interested in using what you did wrong as an instrument for controlling you, but will not accept that he wronged you in any way.

You admit that you did wrong, and seem truly remorseful. He will not admit that he did wrong, and seems unwilling to accept your apology in a constructive way.

Much as I like to be constructive in this forum, I see little about which to be optimistic in your situation.

Sorry (and I hate hitting the "post" button without giving you something positive to think about).

ABajaninCork

I'm sorry, but I agree with the above post. I think your BF was childish in allowing this woman to flirt with him, and equally childish in his reaction to you when you refused to join in his silly little ego boost. He's a drama queen and extremely immature IMO.

You slapped him, which is wrong as others have pointed out. I personally think he was looking for an out and sadly, you gave it to him.

Easier said than done, but I wouldn't bother to contact him any more. Stop feeding his ego by constantly texting and prostrating yourself apologising. You've already done that, and he's not accepted it.

Learn from this experience and move on.

Gmail

This sounds quite similar to a relationship I was in a few years ago.
Incidents like this occurred after nights out....of course with drink involved.
There would be arguments, crying, sulking the next day, apologies, feeling terrible about what happened....everything fine again until bang - happened again.

Over time the incidents would get more serious.
It took a long time for me to realise what was happening, but I did eventually and I'm so glad I am out of it now. I look back and think how my life would be so different if we had stayed together.
This ex was controlling me and the psychological abuse eventually turned into physical abuse.

I'm not saying this is what is happening here - but it does seem like this guy is playing with your mind, from what you say. And I can only go on what you are syaing here.

He behaved horribly with that girl sitting beside him for the night & it looks like he's punishing you for not saying his penis was enormous.

Another poster summed it up by saying you both seem to bring out the worst in each other. This seems to be the case. You both really should move on in my opinion. This sounds like it will only get worse.