Whose fault was this?? What to do??

Spudmonkey

I had to get this out as its been driving me mad for a few weeks.

Several months ago I met a girl and was stone mad about her. She was just beautiful, had a great personality and I really hit it off with her. After a couple of weeks I bucked up the courage to ask her out and we met for several weeks and had a really good time. What happened next I really regret but a lot of it was out of my control I suppose.

She lives in a different city to me so I was really only able to meet her the weekends. Anyway I had a holiday booked from early in the year which was for 2.5 weeks which ultimately meant it was a month before I'd get to see her again. In any case I was so mad about her, I bought another phone and brought it with me (in case my own didn't work, long story) purely so I could keep up contact so she wouldn't forget me. Anyway after the two weeks it still seemed to be going well and when I got back we arranged to meet up the following week.

Because she was busy Friday and Saturday, we decided to meet on Sunday and for the entire week, I asked her what she wanted to do but all she really told me was that she'd think of something. Saturday night came and went and there was still no indication of what was happening. The previous times I had met her, I had only gone down to see her for the evenings (she had been working and that) and so I had it in my head that I was only going down for the evening, heck I was even going to book a room below to stay if she wanted to go out for the night and come back up monday morning if needed be.

Anyway Sunday morning came and I got a call from my housemate telling me he had a ticket for a match for me if I was interested, as I still hadn't heard anything from herself I said I would seen as it was on early in the day. While making my way to the game, I got a message from her asking what the plan was, to which I replied that she was in charge of that, and that it was a pity I didn't bring her up to go to the match with me. What transpired was that she had actually wanted me to go down to her early and spend the entire day with her. After this I think she got annoyed and thought I prioritised a match over her which is so far from the truth its not funny. I suppose what ultimately happened was poor communication.

Anyway the texts I got from her over the following week got really cold and when I finally met her the following week, she basically gave me the cold shoulder and told me she wasn't ready for another relationship. To say I was devestated was an understatement. I was crazy about the girl but there really is no comeback to something like that. Anyway that has been a couple of weeks ago and there has been no contact since. I'm still thinking about her and rueing what could have been but all I have now are the few good nights we had together. Was I in the wrong? Did I make a complete balls out of something good or should she have told me? Was it too much to ask to know what the plan was before the morning I was supposed to go meet her? Its driving me mad as she probably thinks I am a jerk when I am absolutely not! Should I do anything or just leave this go and learn from it?

Sorry for the unformatted mess, thats pretty much a braindump of whats been going on in my head for the past two/three weeks.

Kimia

Hmmm. This is a tricky one. So you were supposed to go and see her on the Sunday but you ended up going to a soccer match instead? I feel like maybe you were so concerned about leaving it up to her that you came across as if you don't care.

If you want to get back with this girl just explain this to her.
The extra phone thing is odd!

Spudmonkey

Kimia wrote: »

Hmmm. This is a tricky one. So you were supposed to go and see her on the Sunday but you ended up going to a soccer match instead? I feel like maybe you were so concerned about leaving it up to her that you came across as if you don't care.

If you want to get back with this girl just explain this to her.
The extra phone thing is odd!

Hi Kimia,

Not that it matters but it was a rugby match. I hadn't even a ticket for it so it wasnt even a case that I had intended going. In fact had you asked my buddy who I went travelling with which I was more looking forward to, ie meeting her or going to a match, there wouldn't have been any competition. The only reason I did go was because I was left in the dark as to what she wanted to do.

The thing is that she was really relaxed about what to do and I didn't want to feel like I was pressuring her into organising something. After asking her 3/4 times during the week, I figured I was probably going to start annoying her, esp as she was giving me the same answer each time. I did care, a lot, but I didn't want to come across as the overbearing type.

I did tried to explain what happened to which she just told me it was grand and not to worry about it, the only issue is that the excuse she gave me relates to her ex and how she isn't over him and that (this may well be the case but the coldness in her messages coincided with this incident). With that in mind I don't know if I can go back to her about it, I suppose particularly when I don't know the real reason.

The phone thing was due to the fact that my simcard hadn't worked before in Africa as it was a 3g one and their network didn't support it. Rather than arriving out there and discovering I couldn't contact her I bought a cheap sim card to keep in contact.

IrishEyes19

I think there's more to it than just the match, OP. I know she was probably annoyed over it, but if you're keen on someone you don't end it over something like that unless it happened more than once.

Its very possible she's being truthful about not being ready for another relationship and she wasn't as keen as you were and decided to end it there and then.

sffc

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I think there's more to it than just the match, OP. I know she was probably annoyed over it, but if you're keen on someone you don't end it over something like that unless it happened more than once.

Its very possible she's being truthful about not being ready for another relationship and she wasn't as keen as you were and decided to end it there and then.

OP - I suggest you read other posts here where woman after woman makes silly excuses for idiots of blokes who mess them around x1000 more than you did that day. In fact you didn't really mess her around - she was non committal and you nearly missed the chance to see a match because of it!
In a nutshell if she was into you she would have made a plan and the issue would have never arisen. You are laying all the blame on yourself unfairly because you made a few attempts to see what she wanted to do - you didn't even get a meetup time. . Sorry pal but she wasn't into you for whatever reason. By the way the reason doesn't matter, what does matter is these things need to be mutual. Hopefully your next gf will be texting you all the time and you'll be here writing you get no free time!

sffc

sffc wrote: »

OP - I suggest you read other posts here where woman after woman makes silly excuses for idiots of blokes who mess them around x1000 more than you did that day. In fact you didn't really mess her around - she was non committal and you nearly missed the chance to see a match because of it!
In a nutshell if she was into you she would have made a plan and the issue would have never arisen. You are laying all the blame on yourself unfairly because you made a few attempts to see what she wanted to do - you didn't even get a meetup time. . Sorry pal but she wasn't into you for whatever reason. By the way the reason doesn't matter, what does matter is these things need to be mutual. Hopefully your next gf will be texting you all the time and you'll be here writing you get no free time!

Just reread your post and realised YOU were visiting HER. Therefore you were technically her guest. The onus was really on her to work out a time that you would be down at ... maybe somewhere to have lunch that she knows is nice etc. She was the host - or she should have been. More proof she wasn't bothered sorry - you seem a good bloke and deserve better ;-).

DeltaWhite

I dont think this is your fault at all. You might not like this but it just seems she wasnt pushed, she didnt bother to organise anything even though you gave her chances to. I think she is just using your trip to the match as an excuse to cut ties
Dont be blaming yourself dude, it's not as if going to the match would have taken up the whole day anyway! If you havent heard anything since, I would leave it at that to be honest. If she was really interested she would have made some sort of contact with you.
She may have liked you, I dont know personally, but some people can change their minds at the drop of a hat, that's not your fault man..

djimi

To be honest if I was planning on travelling a distance to see a girl and had been asking all week what she wanted to do etc only to get little or no reply Id be the one who would be rather pissed off. You probably shouldnt have left until the Sunday before getting a definate answer one way or another (even if it meant sending a message along the lines of "if youre not bothered then Ill make other arrangements for the weekend" or whatever) and ultimately it sounds like this is the result of crosssed wires and a breakdown in communication, but she made an assumption that she had no right to make based on the responses that she gave you. If she had been in the slightest bit bothered she could have responded with come on down in the morning and we will figure something out. The vague responses she gave would suggest to me that she wasnt that bothered about you travelling down either way.

It does sound like there is more to it though. If she is genuine in what she said about not wanting to be in a relationship then there is little that you can do. If there really are issues with her ex then you are better off not involved either way. If this is just the kind of strop she throws when she doesnt get her way then you have probably dodged a bullet to be honest...

cantdecide

Personally, I know I'd be half way down the same mental paths as you are if I were in your shoes, OP, but ultimately that's all wrong. It sounds like a) she's not into you (and using her own dithering as an excuse to blame you) or b) she's telling the truth about not being ready.

To answer your questions; this was no one's fault, least of all yours. What to do? Realise you never had her- it was a non-starter. Knowing this, realise there will be a day very soon when she will fade into your past and you will get her out of your head and you must focus on getting to this place rather than dwelling on the what-could-have-beens.

You sound like a good guy and as above, you deserve better. Keep the faith- your girl is out there looking for you.

Spudmonkey

Cheers guys. I know it should probably make it easier to get over it once you know it was more than likely a case she wasn't interested but it doesn't really funnily enough.

Ah well, I suppose all I can do is put the whole episode behind me and learn from it.

Thanks again!

IrishEyes19

Spudmonkey wrote: »

Cheers guys. I know it should probably make it easier to get over it once you know it was more than likely a case she wasn't interested but it doesn't really funnily enough.

Ah well, I suppose all I can do is put the whole episode behind me and learn from it.

Thanks again!

Of course it doesn't. Doesn't matter who it is, being let down by someone in any aspect is never pleasant. But on the bright side, you probably saved yourself a lot of trouble anyway. And it'll be grand. You'll go out some night and someone will grab your attention and the process will start again.

PrettyPolly155

Ah jaysus, I hate hearing stories like this, simple case of misunderstanding.

If it makes you feel better, I didn't read it as she wasn't interested, I just read it as she expected you to be a mind reader. I'm awful for doing this, assuming my boyfriend knows that I want to hang out all day because we said we'd hang out at some point and then getting pissed off when he assumes he's only coming over in the evening. I just think if she wasn't interested, she probably wouldn't have been pissed off.

BUT I'm not placing the blame on you AT ALL. You did nothing wrong. If anything, if she in the wrong for reacting to it like that. She had ample opportunity to give you a time and she didn't and I'm sure you could have easily called over that night. Girls are mad sometimes, we jump to ridiculous conclusions with no real basis. Please don't beat yourself up over this, you're probably better off. Just think if she got bothered over this, what if something big happened, how would she react then??


In other news, the fact you bought a sim card is the sweetest thing ever

Catari Jaguar

Spudmonkey wrote: »

I asked her what she wanted to do but all she really told me was that she'd think of something. Saturday night came and went and there was still no indication of what was happening.

What transpired was that she had actually wanted me to go down to her early and spend the entire day with her..

Anyway the texts I got from her over the following week got really cold and when I finally met her the following week, she basically gave me the cold shoulder and told me she wasn't ready for another relationship.

I'll try to translate this into girl. You might be missing a whole other side to this...

She didn't make a plan because she hoped you would suggest spending the entire day together. She didn't suggest it in case she looked too desperate/ needy and you weren't interested.

From her point of view, she was rebuffed in that you didn't want what she wanted. You chose football over her (not the case, says you... but this is girl interpretation) She takes this to mean that she likes you more than you like her and she's embarrassed with a bruised ego to boot.

This is what leads to the cold shouder response. This makes absolutely no sense, and is cheesy but sometimes people put up walls just to see who will tear them down. Maybe that is what she is doing. Prove you like her.

If it doesn't work out, you are back in this exact position. Nothing lost. But give it a shot, might turn out for the best.

Just to add, I think you sound lovely OP and sorry that you've been head wrecked, if she is too much of a drama queen to realise then it's her loss. Anyways, good luck

sffc

In my experience when you ask a girl what she wants to do for the day a huge number go "surprise me ". It's a test and fills us with dread but it shows interest. I just don't think this one was into the OP .... sorry.

ashers22

I'd be inclined to think that she probably wasn't entirely comfortable waiting around for you OP.
You were only going out a couple of weeks, it's not a great deal of time to get to know about someone and if you were only seeing each other at weekends than realisitically that's even less time spent together. The fact you had to go away during the formative weeks into a new relationship (I don't understand how a 2 week holiday translates to not seeing her for a month, however) required her trust (given you were exclusive) when she barely really knew you.
When you do get back, having been absent for a month, rather than it being a case of the heart grows fonder you expect her to organise your visit and arrange your weekend as you don't seem to do want that for yourself.
I've no doubt some communication occured which led her to believe you were going to spend that day with her, perhaps it was a routine expectation but the fact that you made other plans, by design or not probably decided it for her.
Actions speak louder than words and your actions suggest that this was more of a relationship of convenience for you than it was for her. Maybe she just needed more and didn't feel like you could give that to her. She probably just decided to move on with her life OP. No harm done.

Spudmonkey

ashers22 wrote: »

I'd be inclined to think that she probably wasn't entirely comfortable waiting around for you OP.
You were only going out a couple of weeks, it's not a great deal of time to get to know about someone and if you were only seeing each other at weekends than realisitically that's even less time spent together. The fact you had to go away during the formative weeks into a new relationship (I don't understand how a 2 week holiday translates to not seeing her for a month, however) required her trust (given you were exclusive) when she barely really knew you.
When you do get back, having been absent for a month, rather than it being a case of the heart grows fonder you expect her to organise your visit and arrange your weekend as you don't seem to do want that for yourself.
I've no doubt some communication occured which led her to believe you were going to spend that day with her, perhaps it was a routine expectation but the fact that you made other plans, by design or not probably decided it for her.
Actions speak louder than words and your actions suggest that this was more of a relationship of convenience for you than it was for her. Maybe she just needed more and didn't feel like you could give that to her. She probably just decided to move on with her life OP. No harm done.

Hi Ashers,

I've read your post a few times and I'm inclined to agree with you with respect to waiting for me. Rather than it being a case of her just not liking me (i mean each of our dates went pretty well, she told me she liked me a lot), I think its more a case of really bad timing.

The reason it was 4 weeks was because I met her one weekend, left halfway through the following week and was gone until the Monday, 2.5 weeks after that and I could only meet her the following Sunday. This turned out to be 4 weeks since I met her last. As it turned out, it ended up being 5 weeks with the miscommunication. Probably not a long time for a couple going out but a really long time when you are only meeting someone.

When I came home, she said she would visit me as I suppose I had visited her more but as I was the one that left I said it was only fair I make the journey. I didn't mind either cause I had had a better night went I visited her last time. She seemed happy enough with this. The last few times I had visited her, she organised what to so as it was her home town. I did likewise when she came to visit me. This is why it might seem weird that she was being asked to organise it but I wouldn't know her town as well as she would.

I don't want to seem like I am giving an unfair version of her story as she was a really sound girl. I re-read a lot of her messages afterwards to see if I could see had she wanted me down for the full day but there was none. I suppose that was something implied or induced in much the same way as I thought I was only going for the evening. Although she may not have believed it, the match that ultimately stopped me dropping everything to go down to her was only incidental and was not even part of my plans which makes it all the more annoying.

ashers22

You described her as a beautiful woman with a great personality who you were really into, and who appeared to like you just as much. If it were me in that situation and I hadn't seen them in over a month, I would have moved mountains to be with them. Women like that don't stay on the shelf for very long and maybe she just read you as being not so interested. If she was let down by a previous, she's probably hesitant to get involved for fear of the past repeating itself too.
If it is simply a case of her needing more ask yourself if you are capable of giving more, if you are or are willing to, really, let her know. If you are realistic and realise you can't then leave it go and wish her well.

Lorna123

I think myself Op that you had been away for 2.5 weeks and then she tells you that she was busy on the Friday and Saturday and asked you to come down on the Sunday, well to me that was a bad sign. If she was interested she would have arranged that you come down on either the Friday or the Saturday at the latest.

When you explained about what happened and she told you not to worry about it then that means that this is not bugging her now, so forget about making excuses. She told you she is not ready for a relationship so that means she is not interested in having one with you. So now you are clear, you can set about getting over all of this.

I know OP, easier said than done, and the end of a romance is very very hard at the best of times. There is really no easy solution or quick way to get over this, only time will heal it. Don't look for any further explanations or moider yourself wondering "what if" because you have it straight from the horse's mouth that this girl does not want a relationship with you at this point in time. It is rotten, horrible, and nothing compensates for it OP. I wish you a speedy recovery and look after yourself. You are one of the best.

Lorna123

It didn't work out OP because she did not want a relationship with you. That is the only reason. Nothing you did or could have done would have changed this. It was not because you went away or didn't go down on the Sunday either. None of this mattered in the grand scheme of things. The woman didn't want a relationship with you and this would have emerged whether you went away or not or gone down on the Sunday or not. That is the bottom line.

AhInFairness

Lorna123 wrote: »

I think myself Op that you had been away for 2.5 weeks and then she tells you that she was busy on the Friday and Saturday and asked you to come down on the Sunday, well to me that was a bad sign. If she was interested she would have arranged that you come down on either the Friday or the Saturday at the latest.

Or she could have actually had plans. Liking someone doesn't mean you drop absolutely everything just because they were away on holidays for 2 weeks.


OP, personally I think that this was all down to a lack of communication. When you were offered the ticket a simple phonecall to the girl to ask what the plan was before accepting would have sorted this out. Instead you assumed you were going down in the evening and she assumed you were free for the day. You both messed up.

Ultimately, it does sound like she's not interested but equally you can't have been that mad about wanting to see her when you didn't even suss out the plans on the day you were meant to meet her before deciding you were going to a match with your friend.

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

castle

It has nothing to do about who's fault it was, action is required
I think your big mistake was leaving it to her,remember you were away on holidays and if that had been me I would have just gone down to her ,she should have felt you would not wait to see her but you left it up to her,why? Girls liked to be chased and men like to chase, life to short grow a set and just call down to see her tomorrow no excuses just do it ,it will either be the best thing you did not something that just happened, if she the one then don't hang about again

Katgurl

I've gone through something very similar but I'm the girl in this story - met a guy, hit it off, he was very keen, clashing timetables meant sporadic dates, misunderstanding, me left hanging around, that was the end.

However the truth is I wasn't too pushed on him. The fact we didnt end up meeting was a variety of factors. The fact I let thing fizzle out was because I'm not over my ex.

She told you she's not over her ex and she is not ready for a relationship. My advice would be to believe her.

LegacyUser

Don't worry about what could have been. This date mix-up could have happened six months down the line, and she still wouldn't have had the cop on to realise that your actions were nothing but open and honest. It is far too early in the relationship to be throwing a strop over a simple misunderstanding. She should be on her best behaviour at the start of the relationship, she's not so that speaks volumes in itself.

Forget about her, bullet dodged!

Lorna123

Spudmonkey wrote: »

I did tried to explain what happened to which she just told me it was grand and not to worry about it, the only issue is that the excuse she gave me relates to her ex and how she isn't over him and that (this may well be the case but the coldness in her messages coincided with this incident).

You explained to her what happened and she was okay with it. Now it could have been that she acted cold towards you because she was using this as an excuse to break away from you. When you confronted her about the coldness then she realized that she had to tell you straight out that it was because she didn't want a relationship with you.

I am really sorry OP that you are trying to see more into this when there is nothing more to it. You would desperately like to be able to say something that would rectify the situation but the ball is in her court now and she doesn't want to resume a relationship with you. She told you so. You have to realize that before you can move forward.

Please don't think it was anything you did or said, it wasn't. She had time to think about the relationship while you were away and she came to the conclusion that she didn't want to continue with it, and this is why you didn't get a straight answer when you asked her what she wanted to do on the Sunday. She didn't want to do anything so she didn't suggest anything.

Give yourself a break and forget about this girl. I do realize that it is terrible when something like this happens and you make excuses left right and centre wishing that you could do something about it to make it right, but unfortunately OP in this case you can't. Wishing you all the best.