Is this cover letter good? Anything I should add or remove?

kaiyoung

I don't know if I should've said what volunteer work I did or just said "volunteer work" because my resume will be attached and it says my volunteer work on there. Btw I don't know the hiring manager/manager's name they just gave me a email to send it to. I want to call but when I do should I say what is hiring manager's name or the manager's name? BIG THANKS!

Cover letter:

Your need for a team member who will go above expectations to make your customers happy is a good match for my 3 years of experience of volunteer work with children, soup kitchens and the Special Olympics. These things gave me enough experience with people and the knowledge of what satisfies them and their needs. I want to be a team member for ____ because I’m a huge team player that loves helping people to bring the best out of them. I love _______’s teams’ positive aura. I am a positive person myself and anytime I helped anyone through my volunteer work it made my day. I believe my drive to help people could be a great addition to the team. My resume is enclosed for your review and consideration. I’m excited to speaking with you personally to discuss your specific needs and my ability to meet them.

Best Wishes,
Kai _____

Stheno

kaiyoung wrote: »

Your need for a team member who will go above expectations to make your customers happy is a good match for my 3 years of experience of volunteer work with children, soup kitchens and the Special Olympics. These things have given me experience with people and an ability to anticipate what satisfies them and their needs. I want to be a team member for ____ because I’m a huge team player that loves helping people to bring the best out of them. I love _______’s teams’ positive aura. I am a positive person myself and anytime I helped anyone through my volunteer work it made my day. I believe my drive to help people could be a great addition to the team. My resume is enclosed for your review and consideration. I’m looking forward to having the opportunity to speak to you personally to discuss your specific needs and my ability to meet them.

Best Wishes,
Kai _____

I'd make those changes at least (the ones in bold)

I don't like the bit in red as it's very generic, and doesn't say much about your fit for the role other than that you like working in a team, and it's also a bit gushing.

user.name

I would paragraph it more. At the beginning say something along the lines of 'I am writing to you to apply for the position of ____ in your store _____.'

At the end I would say yours faithfully if you don't know the person you are sending it to and yours sincerely if you do know the person. I think best wishes is too informal personally.

Other than that I think your cover letter fine. If you know the hiring managers name then use it. That means the letter will go directly to them.

Good luck :P

kaiyoung

Stheno wrote: »

I'd make those changes at least (the ones in bold)

I don't like the bit in red as it's very generic, and doesn't say much about your fit for the role other than that you like working in a team, and it's also a bit gushing.

I understand you but I wanted to be a little upbeat and "gushy" because it's Pinkberry and I understand they have a really happy environment. I thought that part of my cover letter was the one part of it that personalized it rather than making it look like everyone else's lol. But I will make the changes.

kaiyoung

user.name wrote: »

I would paragraph it more. At the beginning say something along the lines of 'I am writing to you to apply for the position of ____ in your store _____.'

At the end I would say yours faithfully if you don't know the person you are sending it to and yours sincerely if you do know the person. I think best wishes is too informal personally.

Other than that I think your cover letter fine. If you know the hiring managers name then use it. That means the letter will go directly to them.

Good luck :P

I started and ended it like that to be DIFFERENT! lol. It's pinkberry and they're pretty positive so I thought they would appeal to that. But I'll try to be less formal.

driversurveys

I totally agree with user.name

Good luck with your application

Stheno

kaiyoung wrote: »

I understand you but I wanted to be a little upbeat and "gushy" because it's Pinkberry and I understand they have a really happy environment. I thought that part of my cover letter was the one part of it that personalized it rather than making it look like everyone else's lol. But I will make the changes.

I think coming from the outside it can look a little fake, but it's a totally different industry to mine (IT)

I agree with the other feedback too.

kaiyoung

Stheno wrote: »

I think coming from the outside it can look a little fake, but it's a totally different industry to mine (IT)

I agree with the other feedback too.

Thank you. I did say I was a good team player but not how.

driversurveys

I think the bit about your previous volunteer work nicely highlights how you are a team player.

BorneTobyWilde

I am a positive person myself and anytime I helped anyone through my volunteer work it made my day.''

Reads funny, Least to me

kaiyoung

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

I am a positive person myself and anytime I helped anyone through my volunteer work it made my day.''

Reads funny, Least to me

"Reads funny?" Huh. If you're saying it's funny, I don't understand what's so funny about saying doing volunteer work to help someone else in need made my day. But kay.

kaiyoung

driversurveys wrote: »

I think the bit about your previous volunteer work nicely highlights how you are a team player.

thank you!:)

driversurveys

No worries - its a good cover letter. Really hope you get the job

sligoface

i agree with the feedback you have been given so far. fair play to you for putting it up here for criticism, i think you're letter will be much better for it.

it IS tricky when you don't know the name of the hiring manager, i hate just putting 'Dear Hiring Manager' as it sounds very impersonal. Maybe since yours is for a team member and is very teamwork focused you could put Dear Team Leader or Dear Team Manager. But if you feel comfortable enough calling them and getting their name, that is probably the best option. I always feel awkward doing things like that, probably should do it more though. Good luck!