Afraid I'll eventually drive friends away

LegacyUser

I've recently gone through a break-up, which i found extremely tough to deal with because it came completely out of the blue, no warning signs whatever. We'd been together almost a year, friends used to comment on how good we were together, how well suited we were etc and then BAM...one day he decided he just couldn't do it anymore, wouldn't explain why, wouldn't meet to talk about it...just over.
Anyhow, that was two months ago, i've done all the usual...couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, had to take time off work because I couldn't concentrate...it hit me way worse than I'd ever expected but i'm slowly staring to come round except -
I've no interest in meeting with any of my friends. I keep telling myself that it's better to get out of the house, keep myself occupied and busy. I'm really trying to get out and about but

I've no interest in anything that anyone has to talk about. I can't stand being out with couples, friends with children, even friends who have recently gone through break-ups too. I keep thinking that none of them have any idea of what i'm going through and when I do meet up with friends I just sit there watching the clock, waiting til i've spent enough time with them so it's not rude when i eventually excuse myself and head home. It's as if I just have nothing in common with anyone anymore, and I used to be the centre of all our social gatherings. I never ignored any of my friends while I was in the relationship, I always tried to keep a healthy boyfriend/friends ratio going.

I really am trying but i'm afraid that eventually they just give up on me and stop inviting me to meet up. I've already noticed a few who have started cutting down the phonecalls, cutting down the nights out together and in a way i don't blame them because I'm no company at all but i don't know what to do?

has anyone else gone through anything similar and what did you do to rectify it?

sullies

Yes l have gone through something very similar. I was engaged and then my fiancee just announced out of the blue that he no longer wanted to get married. Thankfully l was able to move back to Ireland and tried to start over. I know it doesn't feel like you will ever get over it right now but trust me in saying that you will get through it and will look back on your time now and believe that you learned so much from this experience. Nothing really made me feel any better. I couldn't smile, laugh, enjoy things like everyone else. I have a very supportive family who kept me busy. They helped me plan goals, get involved with volunteer work, hobbies....just to get me out of the house and have my mind on other things. He was the love of my life so l know how hard it is for you. I am now married with kids to a better man by far and l believe that l had to go through this experience to finally meet my perfect (not all the time!!lol) man and have a happy family together. I also lost my friends that l made as a lot of my friends were 'our' friends. I walked away fro most of them but to be honest l dont think or miss any of them. Re-invent yourself as l did. Get involved in things you would never have thought you'd do. Distract yourself if you start thinking about him or how you are feeling. It works. I hope this has been helpful. I wish you all the best.

Weebuns12

Yòur break-up was quite recent so I think if you just tell your friends the truth they should understand why you are not yourself at the moment and need some space.
Everyone copes with things differently and you should be able to just suit yourself- I would be similar to you in that I just want to be alone. Just remember that this awful feeling won't last forever.

LegacyUser

It is good that you did not ignore your friends when your were part of a couple as so many woman think once I have a boyfriend/husband that is all that matters.

At this stage I would ring the people you have been ignoring and ask them to meet up with you for a coffee. I would just tell them /// broke up with me and I have not been feeling great. I want to say sorry about how I have been acting with you and then arrange to do something with them so you have something to look forward to.
If you don't want to go out with them for the moment I would tell them this but in 2/3 weeks time I would ring them and arrange to meet them.

Just because he ended your relationship with out telling you the reason why it does not mean that your life is over.
Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is not going to bring him back or improve your life.
You need to meet up with friends, plan nights out or have time away from where you live.
The only person who can improve your life at the moment is you and you have to be willing to make some effort now to move your life on.

Flutterby80

Hi, the exact same thing happened to me nearly 4 months ago except we had been together 4 years. It's horrific when something like this happens and not being told a proper reason why is the worst part so I really feel for you. I'm finding it hard to be around some of my friends too because they don't seem to understand what I'm going through and have made some very insensitive comments. My advice would be to surround yourself with positive people who let you just talk about how your feeling without trying to "fix" you. Get out and about as much as you can, don't stay in the house on your own because you will crack up. This is a type of bereavement and you need to go through it at your own pace, it happened to me in August and am only starting to come around now. I still think about him every day and I still love him but I'm not crying all the time anymore. I have to try and believe that this pain will get better and a future is possible , just a different future to the one I thought I would have. Good luck and try not to be so hard on yourself.

m'lady

It's hard what has happened to you, and you need time to lick your wounds-so to speak. Bottom line is if they are your friends they will completely understand. I hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here,

Thanks for your helpful comments, I'm trying really hard to get out and about, meeting up with friends etc but I just can't get any enjoyment out of anything at the moment. It's as if I'm on auto-pilot and going through the motions just for the sake of it. I've never felt like this after a break up in the past and I'm hoping that it's just a short term thing and will pass but with the holiday season coming up i'm dreading it. The thoughts of having to go out and socialise and pretend i'm having fun...

Flutterby80

VeryLost wrote: »

Hi, OP here,

Thanks for your helpful comments, I'm trying really hard to get out and about, meeting up with friends etc but I just can't get any enjoyment out of anything at the moment. It's as if I'm on auto-pilot and going through the motions just for the sake of it. I've never felt like this after a break up in the past and I'm hoping that it's just a short term thing and will pass but with the holiday season coming up i'm dreading it. The thoughts of having to go out and socialise and pretend i'm having fun...

I know what you mean, I'm dreading Christmas too, especially since it would have been our first Christmas living together I was really looking forward to it. I've been on auto-pilot for 3 months now but I think sometimes that necessary to survive. Just keep telling yourself that every day is a day closer to feeling better and getting stronger. Dont worry about not being able to enjoy things, thats only natural as you have had a massive shock but dont let it stop you from going out and being with other people. Its a horrible time of year to be going through something like this, you probably feel like your life has been ripped out from under you, I know thats how I feel. My special person who I could always depend on and my best friend is gone and that will take a long time to get over, I would take him back tomorrow but I have to accept that its probably over for good and thats so hard. I really feel for you:(

curlzy

You've had a terrible shock OP. You're in mourning for what you've lost. I'm sure if your friends have any sense they'll understand why you're not the life and soul of the party right now. Just take your time, you're gonna be up and down for a while so just roll with the punches and try not to be upset that you're upset if you know what I mean? I don't have anything new to add other than to say I hope you start feeling better soon.

blatantrereg

Yes when things get me down I tend to withdraw a lot and avoid meeting people much at all. Even had it so I would feel tongue tied for no reason with people I'd usually be very chatty around. When I was a lot younger I experienced the same sort of thing, but also lashed out verbally at people sometimes.

I wouldn't feel pressure to socialise if you dont feel in the mood for it at all - or to be chatty or entertaining or the centre of attention. My experience is that most people understand and dont take it personally. Of course people are less sympathetic if you lash out verbally at them like I mentioned above, but that's understandable too.

LegacyUser

thanks so much for all who have replied, it's nice to know that i'm not alone going through this, although i wish that none of us had to go through it .