Mixed Emotions re Children

LegacyUser

I'm in my early 30s and have always been certain that I never wanted children for a number of reasons, (a) I'm very career driven & believe you can't have it all, (b) I don't like other people's children at all usually because of the noise/smell/restrictions on their parents time, (c) I'm selfish and believe I would resent the cost in term of time, freedom and finances, (d) I don't need the added hassle they bring, (e) I've been described as cold and clinical and believe I may lack the nurturing side that a child would need (f) I'm set high standards for myself and not sure how I would deal with a child who wasn't perfect (sorry if that sounds cruel but I would want a bright well adjusted child and probably wouldn't react well if that didn't turn out to be the way) (g) I don't like what it would do to my body (h) The thoughts of being pregnant freaks me out completely/labour appears to be awful and destroys you (i) I have fertility issues that would bring added complications - natural pregancy probably impossible and even with help it may never happen anyway, (j) I'd probably be a very bad parent (k) It's probably better to have children in your mid-late 20s so you are not a burden to them early in their lives (l)I believe I would resent any child I would have for the impact they would have on my time/finances/career etc

I had an excellent childhood with very lovely parents so its not the reason for any of the above.

I would have said I didn't even have a biological clock, let alone one that started ticking!

Fast forward, I have met a man who I adore. It's still less than a year but I hope we will last. I know he would like children, but has said he's ok with it if it didn't happen either (I'm not sure I fully believe him on this one).

Having been absolutely adamant I never wanted children (I was and still am the bitch that will give you a dirty look when your child is roaring its head off even though thats a natural things for a child to do!!!), I am now doubting myself and thinking that maybe if there was a way that I could have a 4 year old and skip the ****ty part I would. (yet adoptions doesn't seem to appeal to me). There's also a part of me which has began to soften and I'm thinking of what my DNA and his would turn out to be, how we would shape a child's life etc.

Sorry so long and all over the place. Not really sure what I'm looking for. I suppose I'm wondering if anyone can relate to this. All of the reasons for not wanting children that I mention still hold true but I'm still confused. Worst of all I think I'm a cliche!

All advice/opinions appreciated.

looksee

I can respect all your reasons for not wanting children. I can also understand your feeling that you may be changing your mind. The main thing you have to remember is

YOUR OWN KIDS ARE NOT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE'S!

They are designed so that - in the vast, vast majority of cases, you find them adorable, in need of love and protection. They are brighter and more intelligent than other children (or if they are not, there is a very good reason). Their smelliness is incidental. Their bawling is because they are tired/ teething/ upset for some reason (well doh, but in their case it is understandable).

Unfortunately the only way to definitely find this out is to have them, so if you are one of the tiny percentage that the above doesn't apply to, well you will have to become the earner and let your adoring husband be the minder.

Don't dismiss the first four years though, they are in fact the easiest and cutest.

username123

Yeah, I dont want them either, for some of the reasons you mentioned but mostly because I do not want to have responsibility for another person - had a bad background myself, think it put me off ever wanting to take responsibility for anyone other than myself.

Luckily my husband doesnt want kids either. However, we have discussed all angles of this in case my clock starts ticking or he feels a sudden need to procreate and I think if it became a serious sticking point there would be room for compromise, in the sense that I wouldnt deprive him of fatherhood if it was going to ruin his life not to become a father and he feels the same way. Again, for the moment I feel lucky that we are on the same page, and as time passes it becomes less of a biological possibility anyway and we both seem to become more set in our desire not to have children the more we experience other peoples

edellc

OP you sound like me hahaha but me 3years ago now....I was all the things you describe, was with my partner at that stage 9years and loved my life and then I had a blip...I was bullied in work, left my job and was unemployed and had a moment to stop and think and reassess everything in my life and for a brief moment we spoke about kids...I had been on the pill for over 10years and thought my body needed a break so I came off the pill and literally within 3mths I was pregnant and boy was I scared ****less

I am now the proud mother of a two year old toddler and even thought I still dont like other peoples kids, I love my own and tolerate a lot with him...He comes before me always and thats okay with me and I am the happiest I have ever been as is my partner and he is a fab dad.

What I am saying is we all say things when we are younger and they are true for that moment in time, but as we get older we think that there has to be more than being a worker ant and making someone else rich. Its okay to question the decisions you made when younger and its okay to change your mind, likewise its okay to say no I have revisited this idea and I was right I dont want kids...I do believe that you can have a complete life without kids as they really arent for everyone.

The way I see it is that you are not with your partner all that long so you have time, if your not living together then take that step first and see if you can both tolerate each other that way, if your there already then get through your first year.

I think you know how your partner is thinkings as mine was the same but as soon as I said yeah lets have a shot and see if we can get pregnant he was over the moon and when the test was positive he cried his eyes out, so really its up to you and where your heads at on this. Nobody can tell you what to do but it isnt the worst thing in the world to happen.

Best of luck OP x

Nymeria

Hi OP,

firstly I think you are being a bit hard on yourself - its absolutely natural to question these types of things and come up with a different answer than a younger you would have given.

I am 28 and pretty certain that I don't want children, however I think it is natural and healthy for you to evaluate your life and your choices every now and then, and to really be honest with yourself about what you want. It is absolutely ok to want different things at different times in your life.

The thing is, you still have a few years to think about this. I would firstly take your time with this relationship and see where it goes, move in together and see how that goes and maybe revisit the children issue further down the line.

As for your reasons, I would say that with a supportive partner I'm sure much of the crappy stuff can be divided, so maybe find out from him if/when the time comes how involved he is willing to be. You wouldn't want to end up with the burden or chores/ childcare falling solely on you without support, especially if young children are not really your thing.

I would also ask yourself and answer honestly whether you feel you would only want a child with this man, or how you would feel raising a child on your own. I'm not saying that this relationship wouldn't last, but you never know what the future holds, and you need to think of how you would feel raising a child on your own if the relationship didn't work out. Is that something you feel you could cope with?

Good luck with your decision, there is no right or wrong answer here, only what is right for you...just be sure that it is something you want, not just something you want to do for him.