I'm a terrible friend!

LegacyUser

I am beside myself about something that happened a few weeks ago, I was at a party and I kissed my friend's ex. Since then I have been racked with guilt and I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I feel like a horrendous person. This ex wasn't a long term relationship, she went on a few dates with him about 18 months ago but she really liked him, he ended up messing her about a bit and she was definitely hurt/pissed off when it ended.

The thing is I think she is still a bit sore about how it all ended and she's mentioned him a few times over the last few weeks so this makes me think that there are some residual feelings there for her. She is always saying that friend's exes are off limits so this makes me think that she will react really badly if I tell her what happened even though she is in the early stages of a new relationship herself.

I have been single for a long time and it's been really getting me down lately, when I drink I make really bad decisions, this being one of them. I just don't like the person I have become and I am so disgusted with myself. I am that selfish and desperate that I don't think about my actions and their consequences? I am terrified of telling her as I don't think the reaction will be good but at the same time I know it's the only option. She has been such a good friend to me, I really feel terrible. I can't think about anything else at the moment. I know the advise will be to tell her but it's her birthday this weekend, should I tell her beforehand or wait till afterwards? I really feel sick and anxious I don't know what to do. I feel like the worst person in the world right now and it's my own fault. I always seem to get myself into these situations and it is making me so unhappy. I always thought I was a good friend and person, I just don't know what I am turning into, am I so desperate that I will risk a friendship for a fumble with a man that probably isn't even worth it? I need advise on how to approach this with my friend and also how I am going to sort myself out overall? My life just feels like a mess right now.

SunnyDub1

It's not like you are seeing him behind her back or you slept with him, it was one silly kiss that meant nothing. There are people in a lot worse situations.
My advise would be not to tell her , you will make matters worse by telling her.

Move on and forget about it and don't let it happen again.
Take this as a lesson learned and a wake up call - Maybe you should knock the drinking on the head for a while if its making you do things you regret and making feel the way you are feeling.

ANXIOUS

Say nothing and he'll say nothing. Do you have the same circle if friends. If she finds out say you can't remember.

newuser30

Unless you are planning on seeing this man again there is no point in telling her, as you said it was a drunken fumble. It sounds like you haven't ruled out ever seeing him again and this is why you want to tell her and feel so bad? If it was meaningless you would just forget it, I mean she went on a few dates a year and half ago!

LegacyUser

I won't lie I was very attracted to him, I guess I allowed that attraction to rule over any common sense. It was my first time meeting him and there was definitely a chemistry between us, well that's the way I felt and I think he felt it too. He has added me on facebook but I haven't accepted. I can't. I know my friend would be incredibly pissed off with me and now thinking about it in a sober state, her friendship is more important. Sure this guy could treat me the exact same way as he did her so it would just cause loads of hassle and all be for nothing. I am obviously very concerned about my friends reaction if I tell her but if I'm honest I'm disappointed too that whatever attraction there was between us was something that I can't explore. I never seem to meet the right guys, it is frustrating and it does get me down. I don't feel that attraction/chemistry very often with guys so this one surprised me.

He said he wouldn't say anything but there are mutual friends involved so if he does tell someone it could get back. I feel like it would be better coming from me than hearing it from someone else. I also feel that I wouldn't be a very nice person to try and keep it a secret, I feel so sneaky as it is already. I don't know what to do!!

Katgurl

Is it likely she will find out? If so, come clean. Be apologetic, tell her you were drinking, you don't want it to damage your friendship, you regret it. Give one sincere thorough apology. And then forget it.

You possibly should feel a bit bad but defo not this bad. You didn't sleep with her husband.

If its really unlikely I wouldn't tell her.

IrishEyes19

I'm with everyone else on this one. If he isn't in your same circle of friends, and there is no risk of anyone knowing, then keep this secret and bury it!! I'm usually not one for lying or secrets, but I do think this is a red area where friends are concerned and it could change the friendship.

Look you made a mistake, and you are genuinely sorry. All I would say is, just be a bit more careful maybe. We all do stupid things when drinking, there are few people who havent slipped up in one or another, but this guy is definately not worth risking a good friendship and as you said yourself he messed her about.

If you do have to tell her because she may find out. Do it during the day or ona sober evening. No alcohol whatsoever. And do it face to face. And cheer up. There's a difference in cheating on a friend and having a drunken kiss with an friend's ex. Neither are pleasant by the way. But the latter is far more forgiveable. All I will say is, unless you really have to. Bury this secret for good.

LegacyUser

It really annoys me when people lay down laws for everyone else to follow. If the friend doesn't want to go near any of her friends ex's then that fine and more power to her but who is she to tell anyone else what to do.

I can understand if it was a serious relationship and more than a couple of dates but it wasn't. In our gang, some people have ended up married to guys who dated another person on the group. If your friend was issuing orders in our group then there would be 3 less happy marriages.

I would not throw it in her face but if there is a future there I would not give that up to follow someone else's rules.

curlzy

I'm not in agreement at all. Your friend feels very strongly about ex's being off limits. You knew that but you got with him anyways. You feel so bad because it was a majorly d*ck move on your part, especially as he treated her so badly when it ended. I think you should tell her what happened, how genuinely sorry you are, how it will never ever happen again and that you will be changing the way you drink to ensure this doesn't happen again. I think if I were your friend I would feel twice as betrayed if someone else told me because you kept lying.

Personally I'd rather lose a friend than be a sh*tty person by continuously lying to a "friend", I don't think you have the right to call yourself their friend if you do something like this and then lie about it. It's one thing to make a drunken mistake and admit it and apolgise and try to make it up to them. It's quite another to do this and then lie and lie and lie.

I suggest you listen to your conscience.

Best of luck.

SunnyDub1

curlzy wrote: »

I'm not in agreement at all. Your friend feels very strongly about ex's being off limits. You knew that but you got with him anyways. You feel so bad because it was a majorly d*ck move on your part, especially as he treated her so badly when it ended. I think you should tell her what happened, how genuinely sorry you are, how it will never ever happen again and that you will be changing the way you drink to ensure this doesn't happen again. I think if I were your friend I would feel twice as betrayed if someone else told me because you kept lying.

Personally I'd rather lose a friend than be a sh*tty person by continuously lying to a "friend", I don't think you have the right to call yourself their friend if you do something like this and then lie about it. It's one thing to make a drunken mistake and admit it and apolgise and try to make it up to them. It's quite another to do this and then lie and lie and lie.

I suggest you listen to your conscience.

Best of luck.

So you have never made a mistake and told a white lie before ? :rolleyes:

It was a silly drunken kiss, not like she slept with the guy or plans on seeing him again.
What will telling this friend achieve? IMO it will make the situation a whole lot worse causing drama and creating something over nothing and having a strong possibility of losing her friend and any trust she has with other friends in that group.
The op feels awful for what she has done, I think thats enough punishment and her lesson has been learned.

OP: take the majority of advice you have been given - Move on and forget about it , it was a silly drunken kiss that meant nothing to you.

stargazer 68

badfriend2012 wrote: »

The thing is I think she is still a bit sore about how it all ended and she's mentioned him a few times over the last few weeks so this makes me think that there are some residual feelings there for her. She is always saying that friend's exes are off limits so this makes me think that she will react really badly if I tell her what happened even though she is in the early stages of a new relationship herself.

Maybe she already knows OP and is waiting for you to 'fess up'. She is in a new relationship and may surprise you by not really caring.

IrishEyes19

How dare she 2 wrote: »

It really annoys me when people lay down laws for everyone else to follow. If the friend doesn't want to go near any of her friends ex's then that fine and more power to her but who is she to tell anyone else what to do.

I can understand if it was a serious relationship and more than a couple of dates but it wasn't. In our gang, some people have ended up married to guys who dated another person on the group. If your friend was issuing orders in our group then there would be 3 less happy marriages.

I would not throw it in her face but if there is a future there I would not give that up to follow someone else's rules.

This guy hurt and messed her friend about, why would anyone even go there if they cared about their friend? The few dates they had are irrelevant. He hurt her. I take the OP as an exception due to silliness and drink and the fact that they are genuinely remorseful, but if it was a choice between friends and dating their ex. I'd go with my friends. Plenty of fish in the sea dating wise.

Cunning Stunt

badfriend2012 wrote: »

I am obviously very concerned about my friends reaction if I tell her but if I'm honest I'm disappointed too that whatever attraction there was between us was something that I can't explore. I never seem to meet the right guys, it is frustrating and it does get me down. I don't feel that attraction/chemistry very often with guys so this one surprised me.

reading between the lines here - it sounds to me like the main thing you want is reassurance from us that it's OK to have a relationship with your friends ex...

If you do really like him, then why not try to talk to your friend and see if she would come around to being ok with it. If he really likes you too, then maybe there is a future for you both.

LegacyUser

@Cunning Stunt I can see why you might think that but it's not the case. He's a no go area. I just wish I could go back in time and remember that.

Curlzy is right, it was a majorly d*ck move on my part. I have totally f**ked up. To think I may have risked a friendship over this. I don't know what I was thinking, well obviously I wasn't thinking! If she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore then I only have myself to blame.

There's a chance she will find out so I should tell her first, it will be awful but much worse if she hears if from someone else. I've made my bed now so I have to face the consequences.

fallen01angel

Hi OP, to be honest I think your friend is being harsh;there's exes and there's EXES....if for example she had being seeing him for a couple of months (6 or more) then she might have a reason for getting upset. But it sounds from your original post that it was quite casual and it finished 18 months ago.....if she's going around implying that every man she has ever dated automatically becomes off limits it would have me thinking WTF!!!!

As for advice on the situation-you can decide not to tell her and spend considerable time sweating over the fact has she heard, is someone going to let it slip today etc etc or you can ask her to meet up for a coffee,walk etc and tell her what happened-yes,she might blow a gasket and refuse to have anything more to do with you or she might not,but at least you won't have the stress of worrying about the what if senario and it'd sound a lot better coming from you than someone else.
If she does the whole blowing a gasket routine then I'm not sure she was a great friend to begin with.Good luck