wanting too much too soon?

LegacyUser

hey all,
Been with OH for a year now. All going very well, we knew each other well for a good few years and are in a good relationship I think. He has just started a PhD (but he's older than the normal age at 38) and I've got a job that helps me to just about 'get by' financially-but am grateful to have one at all! So, we're not rich, we have no savings..and its not likely we'll be making much more money than this in the next 4 years either - by then I will be 35.

Thing is, despite this, I would like to try to have a baby sooner rather than later (also as i think i may not get pregnant immediately or easily due to PCOS) and i'd also be up for getting married..when I asked him about his thoughts on these things this weekend - he sort of clammed up. Didnt say much and eventually said that he does want all these things in the future, he doesnt want to do it without having a financially stable situation and a house etc.

I know he worries about responsibility of having a child too -as he lost his brother when they were very young and the pain was awful for him and his family.

So lots going on with him apart from money and being responsible (a good thing! i dont want to do anything reckless) Please advice me on how I can get him to talk to me about this and not give me vague references to a future that we may never achieve (house, stable jobs etc!)

i've been very down since we had this chat at the weekend

thanks guys

squonk

ontiea wrote: »

hey all,
Been with OH for a year now. All going very well, we knew each other well for a good few years and are in a good relationship I think. He has just started a PhD (but he's older than the normal age at 38) and I've got a job that helps me to just about 'get by' financially-but am grateful to have one at all! So, we're not rich, we have no savings..and its not likely we'll be making much more money than this in the next 4 years either - by then I will be 35.

To be honest OP I am kinda with your bf on this one. The piece in bold spoke volumes to me. The thing is, it might be hard enough to keep a relationship going while he's studying and you're working to pay the bills. Add a small child to the mix and it could put enormous pressure on you both. Even after the first few months, babies cost quite a bit to look after. My 2c is that you're in your early 30's now. 35 isn't all that old for babymaking really but i know you have concerns that it may take a while in any case. There's never a good time to have a baby but where you both are now seems one of the less good ones. I haven't even factored in mortgage payments to the mix either. Who looks after the baby after maternity is over? You, your OH, or a creche? Creches cost money and you probably can't afford to give up work if your OH is still doing the PhD.

I'd just say take it step by step. Wait a few months and see how you both are coping then. In the meantime your bf might have time to digest what you've told him and be more receptive. If the sad loss of a brother is still affecting him such that he doesn't feel like having kids, perhaps he should pop along to a counsellor as well to help him through that as he might not have adequately dealt with that loss.

Piper101

I'd be thinking differently...actually 35 is old to be having a baby (really sorry but it's true). Also he's 38 and he's in a relationship with a 35 year old, at that age you can't think in terms of years you have to do these things a lot quicker. You decide fairly early on if this is a person you want to stay with and if they have the same life goals as you.

This should not come as a shock to your oh and frankly I'm surprised this issue hasn't come up sooner. If he's not prepared to tell you when he will be in a position to move forward with you then I'd be rethinking 1. The relationship or 2. How important having a family is to you.

Hope I'm not being too blunt

Piper101

Re read your op, you're 31? Sorry thought you were 35. A phd is a year right? Give him the year. Sorry for previous rant

BraziliaNZ

Piper101 wrote: »

Re read your op, you're 31? Sorry thought you were 35. A phd is a year right? Give him the year. Sorry for previous rant

A PHD is 3 or 4 years usually. So what's wrong with having a baby at 35 anyway? Don't more and more women do it these days?

Piper101

There is nothing wrong with having a baby at 35, don't get me wrong but starting to think about maybe having a baby sometime in the future at 35 IMO is a bit late. Already at 35 you'd be termed a 'geriatric mother' in medical terms

WaltKowalski

Piper101 wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with having a baby at 35, don't get me wrong but starting to think about maybe having a baby sometime in the future at 35 IMO is a bit late. Already at 35 you'd be termed a 'geriatric mother' in medical terms

Aren't you medically considered a 'geriatric' mother if pregnant in your late 30s?

I can understand OP why you don't want to wait, especially as you already know of possible fertility problems, but don't pressure your OH.

CathyMoran

I had to delay pregnancy as I was very ill - I would not reccomend doing this - the risks of problems with the baby increase as well as those of miscarriage, and what would happen if you want more than one child?

We were very lucky to have our 17 and 31 month old (we are 38 now) but I wish that we could have nad them sooner, especially as we would have loved another one.

shalalala

There is never a right time to have a baby. There will always be a reason not to and life will always get in the way but if it is something that you want then you will make it work regardless. You are at an age where if this is not what he wants and you cannot live without having a child then you need to move on from him now and find someone that wants what you want. You do not have the time to wait around for him.