Adjusting to being with partner who has a child

Pippy1976

I was going to go unreg for this but f**k it.

I'm with a guy who has a child, and it's taking a lot of adjusting to (on my part).

i was wondering if any other couples / people have advice for me on how to cope with this (I've not got kids myself) and how they coped - I'm finding it difficult to get used to the idea.

And, I'm ashamed to say it, I'm really concious of what my family will think of me dating a guy who has a child from another relationship... it probably doesn't matter to them and I'm over thinking it but was looking for guidance from you boards-ies anyway.

Thanks a mill, pips

sffc

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I was going to go unreg for this but f**k it.

I'm with a guy who has a child, and it's taking a lot of adjusting to (on my part).

i was wondering if any other couples / people have advice for me on how to cope with this (I've not got kids myself) and how they coped - I'm finding it difficult to get used to the idea.

And, I'm ashamed to say it, I'm really concious of what my family will think of me dating a guy who has a child from another relationship... it probably doesn't matter to them and I'm over thinking it but was looking for guidance from you boards-ies anyway.

Thanks a mill, pips

How long are you dating? Was he married? How long since he split with the childs mam? Does the child / mother know about you?
Sorry about the questions but every case is sooo different depending on your answers. Basically though you have mental block so I'm not sure it matters what we say ?

Pippy1976

sffc wrote: »

How long are you dating? Was he married? How long since he split with the childs mam? Does the child / mother know about you?
Sorry about the questions but every case is sooo different depending on your answers. Basically though you have mental block so I'm not sure it matters what we say ?

I do have a mental block and I want to get rid of it!

We are together about 7 months-ish. He wasn't married but dating his ex for a good 8 years, I'd say (not too sure as I don't concern myself with that too many questions regarding that relationship). They haven't been together for 3 years or more. Yes, the childs mother knows about me.

stargazer 68

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I do have a mental block and I want to get rid of it!

QUOTE]

Op No one can help you get rid of the mental block. You don't say how old either of you are but believe me, as you get older you will find a lot of men have children!

Pippy1976

Dovies wrote: »

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I do have a mental block and I want to get rid of it!

QUOTE]

Op No one can help you get rid of the mental block. You don't say how old either of you are but believe me, as you get older you will find a lot of men have children!

I am aware of that and have told myself the same thing many times over. I'm in my mid-30's, as is he.

I am way too concerned (to a fault) about what others are going to say / how they'll react about him having a child. I need to shake that feeling but don't know how. I've always worried (even as a kid!!) about what others think - when, really, it comes down to what I think.

Forever Hopeful

OP,
How do you feel about him? Forget about other people for a second, how do you feel (not what you think)?
Does he make you happy? Are you excited to see him? Do you miss him when you are not together? Does he treat you right?
It's hard enough to meet people and making a relationship work is even harder. It doesn't always come in the package you expect (as another poster said the older you get the more likely people will have kids from previous relationships)
Another way to look at this, if he was to break up with you tomorrow, how would you feel? Sometimes these concerns miraculously disappear when we think we might lose someone. I know that's not always the best way to figure out things but it does help me.

sffc

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I do have a mental block and I want to get rid of it!

We are together about 7 months-ish. He wasn't married but dating his ex for a good 8 years, I'd say (not too sure as I don't concern myself with that too many questions regarding that relationship). They haven't been together for 3 years or more. Yes, the childs mother knows about me.

I'm presuming the child doesn't know about you and the introduction is on the cards. If so you are quite rightly thinking of his child by wanting to avoid possible hurt to the child if you break up post introduction.
From experience ( I was the dad) a woman's feelings on this don't change but I'm biased by that experience so it counts for little.

My OH has a child. One of my best friends is with a guy who has a child. We don't see anything wrong with it and love it, and neither do our families see a problem.

sffc

bluewolf wrote: »

My OH has a child. One of my best friends is with a guy who has a child. We don't see anything wrong with it and love it, and neither do our families see a problem.

That's fab but for some women it's really hard almost exclusively if they don't have children themselves. Be honest and tell him is my only advice - he deserves to know.

Pippy1976

sffc wrote: »

I'm presuming the child doesn't know about you and the introduction is on the cards.

No, they know about me and I've met the child a few times.

sffc wrote: »

That's fab but for some women it's really hard almost exclusively if they don't have children themselves. Be honest and tell him is my only advice - he deserves to know.

I've said all this to my OH and, obviously, he's struggling with it. That's where we're at at the moment.

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

OP,
How do you feel about him? Forget about other people for a second, how do you feel (not what you think)?
Does he make you happy? Are you excited to see him? Do you miss him when you are not together? Does he treat you right?
It's hard enough to meet people and making a relationship work is even harder. It doesn't always come in the package you expect (as another poster said the older you get the more likely people will have kids from previous relationships)
Another way to look at this, if he was to break up with you tomorrow, how would you feel? Sometimes these concerns miraculously disappear when we think we might lose someone. I know that's not always the best way to figure out things but it does help me.

I really like this guy. We've been through the mill with other partners over the years and we're happy with eachother - we're a team. He makes me happy. I am excited to see him. I don't miss him terribly when we're not together but that's because I'm happy in the knowledge I'll see him another time soon anyway. He treats me really well and is such a rock for me most of the time.

I'd feel gutted if we were to break up.

ash23

I'm confused? What type of adjusting needs to be done? Other than what other people think, what are YOUR reservations about him having a child?

You need to be very honest with yourself about how much of a problem this is for you and I don't think you're allowing yourself to really dig deep about it, for fear of what you will find.

There isn't really any "adjusting" to be done. All there is, is acceptance. Can you accept that he has a child and everything that brings? That the child will always be on the scene, that it will always be his first born?

Pippy1976

ash23 wrote: »

I'm confused? What type of adjusting needs to be done? Other than what other people think, what are YOUR reservations about him having a child?

Not having gone out with a guy who's a dad before I would have to concede there is an adjustment period. I'm not sure why but for me, there is.

ash23

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Not having gone out with a guy who's a dad before I would have to concede there is an adjustment period. I'm not sure why but for me, there is.

Adjustment means getting used to something then? What is different about the fact that he has a child than if he didn't?
I'm genuinely asking. Is it that he has less time? Less money? What would be different about him and your relationship with him if he didn't have a child?

I am just trying to understand where your reservations are coming from. Because if it's just about what other people think, that's something that can be worked on. But if it's a case that you hate the fact that you won't bear his first child for example, or that he has a permanent tie to his ex, that is a whole other kettle of fish.

Like I said, you need to really think about what the hangups you have regarding him being a parent before you can see if it's something that can be overcome.

I know my partner had reservations about me having a child but they were easily overcome. Other issues wouldn't have been so you need to establish what it is that bothers you about him being a dad.

Pippy1976

ash23 wrote: »

Adjustment means getting used to something then? What is different about the fact that he has a child than if he didn't?
I'm genuinely asking. Is it that he has less time? Less money? What would be different about him and your relationship with him if he didn't have a child?

I am just trying to understand where your reservations are coming from. Because if it's just about what other people think, that's something that can be worked on. But if it's a case that you hate the fact that you won't bear his first child for example, or that he has a permanent tie to his ex, that is a whole other kettle of fish.

The difference that he has a child as opposed to not having one needs adjusting to in terms of his time and me not being used to not having my partners time when I want it. Entirely selfish, I know, and I've said as much to my partner.

Alot of the time it is about what other people think. There are the people who would think I'm taking on someone elses child (I'm not), there'd be people saying I'm getting myself into a whole spot of bother with his ex (I'm not) and there are people who would say he's bad news (he's not).

I really don't care about not bearing his first child - never even entered my head to be honest. Most of the time I struggle with the fact that maybe I don't want children. It doesn't bother me that he has a tie to his ex - they are over and he will not be revisiting that situation again. Nor will she.

ash23

Not having his time when you want it.......well, that's just something you have to accept or not. But just consider if he had a busy job, that might be the case also. No person will be there all the time. Hobbies, jobs, friends, family etc will all take some of his spare time. And yes, his child will too. So you just need to treat it the same way as if he had a busy job.

I know I asked myself similar questions. My OH has a job which is 7 days a week. He hasn't been off for a day in 3 years. He has time off but that is when I am in work (during the day). I did have to wrap my head around the fact that there would be no day trips, no weekends away, no holidays.....he will, for the foreseeable future, be tied to his job. And similarly, I can't go out on a whim. Babysitters have to be arranged, sicknesses allowed for......that's just life.

Alot of the time it is about what other people think. There are the people who would think I'm taking on someone elses child (I'm not), there'd be people saying I'm getting myself into a whole spot of bother with his ex (I'm not) and there are people who would say he's bad news (he's not).

People will always have something to say. But the fact that it bothers you so much makes me think that you feel there is a certain amount of shame in it.

I think if you were 100% sure that him being a parent wasn't embarrassing or a slight on him, then you wouldn't care what people thought.
There is a stigma about single parents for some people. Would your parents be that way? Is it something that has always been commented in a negative manner at home?
Have you told your parents and family and friends about him and his child?


I think to be honest that you are stigmatising his parental status. He has nothing to be ashamed of if he is a good dad. And I would imagine that if anyone tried to make him feel bad about his child, it would be water off a ducks back to him because he knows it's nothing to be ashamed of.
However, you would be affected by it and that makes me think that you are not as cool with him being a dad as you are convincing yourself. I think you still think that he is somehow less of a catch, or you are less proud of him because of it. And if you can't change your mindset about that, then your relationship won't work.

Pippy1976

ash23 wrote: »

So you just need to treat it the same way as if he had a busy job.

Would your parents be that way? Is it something that has always been commented in a negative manner at home?
Have you told your parents and family and friends about him and his child

I like your analogy to him having a busy job... if I can get my head around it in such a fashion (realising that he can't just drop things on a whim) then maybe it'll help settle me a bit.

My parents are of the older mindset where single parents were to be frowned. However, they're slightly hypocritical (my mother more so) as my sister is a single parent, and doing an amazing job may I add. I think what's good for someone else, in their minds, isn't good enough for us.

Also, I'm 36. I really should be able to make up my own mind about such matters. But I've never been that kind of person - always relying on someone else to back me up so as I don't feel too bad about something! I need to shake this attitude.

I've told a few of my friends about him having a child. Whilst they maintain they wouldn't see there being an issue I have a feeling they think I'm taking on trouble. They never ask about his child... even today I mentioned that my partner had the kid at the weekend but the response I got completely glossed over the comment - which I thought was weird.

I feel that, as much as people pretend to be ok with it they're really not and maybe that's holding me back a little.

ash23

"People" don't like a lot of things as a rule of thumb. But everyone has their baggage and for ever person who isn't keen on a single parent, they probably have skeletons in their own closets which are far bigger.

What matters essentially is how you feel. Because he will pick up on it fairly quickly and it must be horrible to think your OH is slightly ashamed of you because you have a child.
You've met his child but he is still being kept at arms length from your family. He'll realise that soon enough.

You're the only person who can decide if this is for you or not. I know I was dubious about meeting my OHs parents because I knew they disapproved when one of his sisters had a child out of wedlock. To the point of not speaking to her for a long time. But my OH didn't care less. He said if they had a problem with it, they could take a flying leap because it was his choice.
You don't sound quite as convinced.......


(*his parents were lovely to me btw and have welcomed me and my child into their family with open arms*)

Pippy1976

ash23 wrote: »

But everyone has their baggage and for ever person who isn't keen on a single parent, they probably have skeletons in their own closets which are far bigger.

What matters essentially is how you feel. Because he will pick up on it fairly quickly and it must be horrible to think your OH is slightly ashamed of you because you have a child.

He has picked up on it. He can tell I'm not 100% comfortable. We've discussed that and agreed that it'll take a bit of time - for all of us.

I'm not ashamed he has a child. That would be awful, on my part. I'm just struggling to come to terms with the fact that I have ended up dating someone with a child - and realising that it's not straight forward and there are many factors to consider in this scenario.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. What you've said, so far, is really making things clearer and helping ALOT.

Starokan

The reason your struggling with this is that for some reason its ingrained into your unconscious belief system that there is something not quiet right about getting together with someone who has a child with someone else.

As to why its a taboo subject for you who knows. The important thing is that you deal with it, you need to realise that the hang up is in your mind , believe me no one sees this as a big deal and if they do they are narrow minded beyond belief

Try and focus on the positive, you have a guy whom you care a great deal about who is a loving father, thats a great quality. You need to be very careful here though as you can easily transfer your negative feelings into your dealings with the child, that would be very unfair and wrong.

The important thing is how you feel about his child yourself, i think you may need to embrace the relationship as the three of you rather than the two of you. The more you bond with the child the less of an issue this will be

CarMe

Your attitude to what people think really irks me, it's not your fault I know that but I just feel that himself and his child deserve someone who isn't ashamed of them.
Im sure there's plenty of women who would embrace them as a duo and wouldn't care less what anyone thought if she cared for them.

On a side note, I would be concerned that a woman your age puts so much emphasise on what other people think. Perhaps that's something you can work on.

Best of luck to all involved.

Weebuns12

I was with someone who had two children for five years. His situation-divorced, and being a father were major red flags for me at the beginning, because I knew I just couldn't cope with it. However, we decided we would 'worry about it later' which was a terrible idea as I put myself through a lot of stress trying to adjust to being a stepmother etc, and obviously the red flag was never going to go away.
I think you need to decide if you can handle the situation before you go any further, I wish I had listened to my instincts.

sullies

To be honest, the fact that its a big enough issue to post on here then it is going to be a problem in your relationship. You will have to accept that this child will always come before you and that being a dad is more important than being a boyfriend to you. If it was me, l know l wouldn't want to share him. Good luck.

Pippy1976

all the comments have been really helpful. many thanks to all who took the time to give advice.

I spoke to my sister yesterday about everything and she told me to 'get a grip'! Which, unsurprisingly, put me in my place! I'm being ridiculous getting uptight about what other people think about my situation. At the end of the day I'm old enough to do what I want to do.

People come with all sorts of baggage and having a child is definitely not the worst of them... the kid is just a kid, not a monster!

WaltKowalski

I understand your apprehension, because you'll never be no. 1 in your OHs life. His child should be. But you're already a year in and that obviously hasn't been a problem for you.

CarMe

Also you'd be surprised how much a man can mature and soften when he has a child. Think of the positives and as far as baggage goes its definitely not the worst. Best of luck

Pippy1976 wrote: »

all the comments have been really helpful. many thanks to all who took the time to give advice.

I spoke to my sister yesterday about everything and she told me to 'get a grip'! Which, unsurprisingly, put me in my place! I'm being ridiculous getting uptight about what other people think about my situation. At the end of the day I'm old enough to do what I want to do.

People come with all sorts of baggage and having a child is definitely not the worst of them... the kid is just a kid, not a monster!

Pippy1976

WaltKowalski wrote: »

I understand your apprehension, because you'll never be no. 1 in your OHs life. His child should be. But you're already a year in and that obviously hasn't been a problem for you.

I don't mind not being number 1 ALL the time!! haha.

Pippy1976

CarMe wrote: »

Also you'd be surprised how much a man can mature and soften when he has a child. Think of the positives and as far as baggage goes its definitely not the worst. Best of luck

Thanks so much - that's a nice post. And I definitely notice that my partner is very caring, very patient, generous and great with advice which I guess are all traits that come with being a parent. I'm lucky really.

gagiteebo

WaltKowalski wrote: »

understand your apprehension, because you'll never be no. 1 in your OHs life. His child should be. But you're already a year in and that obviously hasn't been a problem for you.

I don't necessarily agree. Why would anyone get into a relationship knowing they will never be a priority. Just because you get into a relationship with someone with a child does not mean you should be resigned to the fact you will never come first. It is ridiculous. Different people are a priority at different times. You deserve to feel like you are the world to someone. I speak as a step mother and my opinion has not changed since having my own child.
My OH had a child when I met him. Things were not always easy but worth it in the end. There is no shame in it. If he makes you happy and you love him then that is all that matters, don't worry about the opinions of others. You only have one life.

Pippy1976

gagiteebo wrote: »

I don't necessarily agree. Why would anyone get into a relationship knowing they will never be a priority. Just because you get into a relationship with someone with a child does not mean you should be resigned to the fact you will never come first. It is ridiculous. Different people are a priority at different times. You deserve to feel like you are the world to someone. I speak as a step mother and my opinion has not changed since having my own child.
My OH had a child when I met him. Things were not always easy but worth it in the end. There is no shame in it. If he makes you happy and you love him then that is all that matters, don't worry about the opinions of others. You only have one life.

Thanks so much. I too don't agree that I'm never going to be my partner's priority. Sometimes I will be and other times I won't be. It's the same with his child - sometimes they will need to learn that they don't come first and things won't always revolve around their every whim.

It all depends on the situation at any given time.

CarMe

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Thanks so much. I too don't agree that I'm never going to be my partner's priority. Sometimes I will be and other times I won't be. It's the same with his child - sometimes they will need to learn that they don't come first and things won't always revolve around their every whim.

It all depends on the situation at any given time.

Totally agree with this, it's exactly the same as a couple who have a child together! If the child comes first all the time and never each other then they're asking for trouble! My dad met his girlfriend when I was 15 and I had a few run ins with her and moved out at 17 because of her but what if he'd broken up with her "for me", he's older now and Im so glad he has her for holidays, company etc. I love my daughter more than anything but if I put her "first" all the time what will happen when she goes and has her own family.
Don't see it as priority and second best, the relationship he will have with his child is totally different to the relationship he will have with you so it's not a competition. Enjoy every minute!