was messed around now feel bad for him

LegacyUser

i dont know where to start really, years ago i got to know a guy, we were friends for about a year before anything happened, then when it did it was brilliant. the best ever! for about 6 months. then things went bad.
he would be big into it then would back off, the usual story. its been told here a million times.

anyway eventually i realised that it was going nowhere and stopped the contact, about 3 months ago he got in touch, told me he loved me, wanted to be together, that he had got panicked by the way things got serious with us quickly etc..
i thought about it for a while, ( having really started to get on with my life and started to forget about him) eventually i decided that yea, i would give it a go, so told him.
he panicked. sraight away. i could see it in him. he told me i was backing him into a corner etc etc so i left. very very upset at the time. but i mad my mind up that that was it. no way was i going through that ever again.
now though he is very down. he texts every few days, he calls but i dont answer. i know he is very upset.

he is not a player, he never meant to treat me badly. i know this 100% he is just very very shy/unsure of himself and doesnt have much confidence in these things.
i feel so bad for him now, he didnt treat me the way i would expect to be treated by someone that loved me, but i dont believe he has very much experience in 'grown up' realationships. he only had 2 other girlfriends before me. he doesnt know how to behave, what to say etc.

i couldnt take it. i need to know that the person i am with loves me, and i didnt feel it when i was with him.

now he is so down though, i feel bad for him, what can i do? i dont like to leave him alone with no-one to talk to, he not good at talking. but i dont want to put myself back in the situation where my feelings could come back and then be heartbroken again!

what can i do to help, without being to involved. he genuiley doesnt chat to anyone, just me occassionally.

sffc

sad for him wrote: »

i dont know where to start really, years ago i got to know a guy, we were friends for about a year before anything happened, then when it did it was brilliant. the best ever! for about 6 months. then things went bad.
he would be big into it then would back off, the usual story. its been told here a million times.

anyway eventually i realised that it was going nowhere and stopped the contact, about 3 months ago he got in touch, told me he loved me, wanted to be together, that he had got panicked by the way things got serious with us quickly etc..
i thought about it for a while, ( having really started to get on with my life and started to forget about him) eventually i decided that yea, i would give it a go, so told him.
he panicked. sraight away. i could see it in him. he told me i was backing him into a corner etc etc so i left. very very upset at the time. but i mad my mind up that that was it. no way was i going through that ever again.
now though he is very down. he texts every few days, he calls but i dont answer. i know he is very upset.

he is not a player, he never meant to treat me badly. i know this 100% he is just very very shy/unsure of himself and doesnt have much confidence in these things.
i feel so bad for him now, he didnt treat me the way i would expect to be treated by someone that loved me, but i dont believe he has very much experience in 'grown up' realationships. he only had 2 other girlfriends before me. he doesnt know how to behave, what to say etc.

i couldnt take it. i need to know that the person i am with loves me, and i didnt feel it when i was with him.

now he is so down though, i feel bad for him, what can i do? i dont like to leave him alone with no-one to talk to, he not good at talking. but i dont want to put myself back in the situation where my feelings could come back and then be heartbroken again!

what can i do to help, without being to involved. he genuiley doesnt chat to anyone, just me occassionally.

Sounds like you feel more sorry for him that love him and that's not right. Get yourself someone who's not afraid of a relationship and who's proud of being your guy. Strange question but is this guy Irish?

Humria

The first thing you need to do is stop feeling sorry for him. He hasn't been acting this way because he is unsure of himself, he is acting this way because he is unsure about you. If he really wanted to be in a relationship with you he would be. He is feeling sad and lonely and wants to know that you are there for him if he needs you. Every time you pull away he panics because his safety net is being removed. When you concede and get back with him, he retreats because he knows the safety net is back in place and he doesn't actually want to be with you. You care for him now and you are in the thick of it so you can't see the reality. If you remove yourself from the situation though you'll realise the truth after a while. He has been looking out for himself without any regard to how his behaviour is affecting you. You've also been worried about him and not enough about yourself. So there is two people worrying about him and no one is looking out you. Is that fair? I don't mean to be harsh but this guy is no good for you.

So in response to your question, there is nothing you had really do without getting involved. Your head is a mess because of this situation and you'll never get clarity if he continues to be in your life. If you are worried about him give him the number of the Samaritans, tell him to go to the GP and then cut contact. That might seem cruel but the reality is that you could spend a long time trying to help him and nothing will change. You can't make him feel better in the long term and you'll eventually regret all extra time you wasted on him.